AudEmo AudVerbalDiarrhea

A new year

Okay so there was this thing going on for like half of 2014 with me.  I never blogged explicitly about it but I guess I dropped hints here and there.  If you hadn’t already guessed, it was a fight I had with a friend.

I didn’t want to air dirty laundry in public, but at the same time it killed me that I wasn’t getting closure!  Maybe to other people, closure is just walking away but to me, closure means talking it out, telling the other person my side and listening to theirs so I could figure out what went wrong.  Whether or not we manage to mend the relationship after that is irrelevant but normally I find that when two people talk it out in a calm manner, it almost always ends well.

(well for me it does anyway, cos I like to think my strength is I don’t have that much ego that I cannot see and understand a point of view different from mine.  On the downside, I am very easily swayed and cannot join debate team or be a judge or lawyer cos Imma be like ‘oh ya true true good point’ wtf and have no rebuttal fml.)

But cos I didn’t have that closure, it drove me nuts.  The more time passed, instead of calming down and forgetting, I got more and more upset.  From a medium sized issue, it blew up into a huge thing inside my head and resentment kept piling on. All because I didn’t get to talk it out!

I guess I slowly started going crazy wtf.  I raged that this person couldn’t even give me the peace of mind to move on, and I was stuck in this negative vortex of resentment.  It didn’t  help that this person was in my inner circle and I still had to see her at gatherings which further pissed me off. It bothered me so much I started to drop hints here and there that things weren’t right in this aspect of my life. It was as if everything was just simmering and now was threatening to boil over; in fact it did start to boil over and spill out in bits and pieces on my blog and Dayre already.

Maybe I subconsciously did it on purpose.  Maybe I wanted to keep poking and poking so that the other person would finally have enough and agree to talk to me and I could let it out.

And on New Year’s Day, that happened.

We sat down (with a mediator, no less) and talked.  I let out what I was feeling this whole time and then I listened.

And I realized that… she wasn’t really wrong.  In my head, I’d built her up to be this super villain – this person who wouldn’t listen to reason, who did selfish things with no regard to how it would affect me, who was unethical, etc etc.  But when I actually listened to her and found out the full story from her point of view, it wasn’t like that at all.  A lot of it turned out to be horrible miscommunications and misunderstandings.

Sure, she had a part to play in exacerbating things since she was terrified of confrontation and therefore never spoke to me directly, resulting in tons of misunderstandings.  But I wasn’t completely innocent either – I was emotional and rash.  I didn’t realize it but I misphrased some things which came out sounding horrible and worsened the situation.  And I placed blame without bothering to find us a proper solution.

For six months I convinced myself I was right and now I found out I wasn’t, totally.  I wasn’t wrong, but neither was she.  It was like we were both staring at a mug that had a different color on each side; we both saw the same mug but in a different color and while we were both right, we couldn’t agree what color it was cos we only saw things from our individual stand points. *philosophical

So that got me thinking.  I’d always thought I was a good person.  But in this case, while I won’t say I’m not a good person hahaha, I definitely didn’t do the right thing all the time. I was going to say next time I wouldn’t be so sure I was right in an argument.  But it won’t be true.

It’s human nature to always think you’re right or that you’re good.  If a bad person does a bad thing, do they think they’re wrong?  No they’re likely justifying their actions in their head so their self perception still remains ‘a good guy’.  For example, the hater in my previous post – he probably justified leaving hate comments for me as, “oh I don’t like her. I think she’s a bitch. Therefore she must be a bad person.  Bad people don’t deserve nice comments.  Therefore I am going to leave her a nasty comment HAHAHA! It’s okay to do it cos I’m a good person and she’s not.”

Or they may not even realize what they did was bad at all.  Like me, in this situation with my friend.

Crimes aside, it’s not always straightforward deciding who’s good and who’s bad in a conflict.  Most of the time both are a bit wrong and a bit right.  Which is why I believe the best thing to do is to talk it out calmly and resolve it rationally.

Anyway, the talk was very therapeutic for us both.  She’d never done it before so she said she felt ‘amazing’ wtf.  Me, it was what I wanted so of course I felt awesome too.  I apologized and she apologized.  Once I talk it out and resolve things, I’m ready to forgive and forget immediately.  It’s like a rainbow coming out immediately after the storm wtf.  So that’s one relationship saved.

This happened on New Year’s Day, after six months of turmoil.  I don’t normally trust in these things but I think it’s symbolic that resolution came on Jan 1.  If what happened on the first day is a sign of things to come, I think I’ll have a very good 2015. 🙂

 

  • http://wordpress.com/thebeautysuitcase Elise Mooijman

    Really happy for you that you managed to save your friendship! I’m just like you: I need to talk it out, otherwise there is no closure. And once it’s talked out I also instantly feel good! It’s just such a great feeling to know that you said everything you wanted to say and tried everything in your power to make things better!

    X The Beauty Suitcase

  • Windy

    I had a fell out with a dear friend last year, we talked it out and both of us apologized. I thought that was good and we would be friend again but it didn’t work out. I just feel that we couldn’t go back to the past that we could talk nonsense and rubbish, make funs of each others like all close friends do. We still talk and meet up, but the feeling is just.. weird. Our whatsapp messages no longer the same, sometimes the replies just feel awkward. Both of us are so careful with our words.. bcos we’re afraid of miscommunications again. Hence we are so “polite” to each others that makes everthing so different from the past.
    I hope your friendship doesn’t end up like mine. Happy New Year!

  • Kar Yan

    I wish I had it like yours! Fell out with a friend pretty close to me, but we’ve had small issues for a period of time prior to that, and practically we fell out due to those feelings all welled up and didn’t talk about it directly. We had things that we didn’t like about each other and we both knew it. She did pretty nasty things behind my back later on and I dropped hints to tell her that i’m aware of it. But we just never talked about it. More like not wanting to take the risk to destroy what’s left (that’s at least what I thought). And one day something happened and so we decided we had to talk. But instead of talking, she started her first sentence cursing and all that. And said we’re no longer friends. So it just ended up like that. And we never had the chance to talk and salvage the friendship.

    And i’m really happy to know that things went well between you and your friend! Been following your blog and dayre all along and read those hints in your posts. Glad that all is good now 🙂

  • Candy Wu

    I fell out with a close friend of 10 yrs and the initial 6 mths, it was horrible. I have this resentment growing because like your situation, we didn’t get to talk it out and it seems to be my fault. But our common friends were all still with me but none with her, so it says a lot about it. She kept poking at my friends so that I will still see her posts on FB initially. she unfriended me.

    We all dreaded confrontation, life moved on and till now there is still no closure but because it’s been 2 years. I was glad that it ended, there were sorrows but she was the kind of friend that you want to help her with life problems but she never listens or solve her problems. so it could be a blessing to my life now.

    Hope that you get to have a closure and give it another chance with your friend since both of you got the chance to spill the beans. Happy 2015! look forward 😀

  • fourfeetnine

    IKR! But a lot of people are very uncomfortable with confrontation and just avoid it. 🙁

  • fourfeetnine

    Hehe wah you so teliti can pick up the hints! I can understand not wanting to bring things up to avoid making it worse but sometimes if we don’t it’ll get worse anyway 🙁 I’ve lost friends too despite talking it out but at the end of the day I still felt better for talking it over 🙂

  • fourfeetnine

    That sucks 🙁 maybe give yourselves some time away? Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder wtf

  • fourfeetnine

    It sounded like she was a very difficult friend to have anyway? Maybe things worked out for the best that you’re no longer friends!

  • Marisa

    oooo, really happy for you.
    I fell out with a very good friend last year and we haven’t been talking ever since.
    I wish I had the courage to whatsapp her and ask her out so we can talk things out.
    You are right, sometimes we always think that we’re right and the other person is wrong, I guess it kinda scares me that perhaps I was in the wrong…

    Would you mind sharing how you approached her to talk things out and how having a mediator helps? Also, I am aware that you may not be comfortable sharing specific details on what went wrong with the friendship initially but do you mind sharing some general pointers? If you mind it is fine, thanks for sharing this post anyway 🙂

  • Candy Wu

    there were good and bad times but when I look back there were more difficult times so yes i think im happier now lol… great last trip before bump~ happy bathing fighter in the sink 😛

  • kim

    In the past year I also had some friction with a friend, and like you, I’m the sort of person who needs to talk or I’ll be upset I didn’t do anything about it once too much time has lapsed. When the opportunity came, I whatsapped her and fortunately, she was understanding and it’s all normal now 😀

    I wish you all the best with Bump! Can’t wait to see how she looks like!

  • 爱看剧的Eirene

    Please tell me it’s not Cheesie 🙁
    I am a big fan of yours and Cheesie’s T-T

  • fourfeetnine

    No definitely not cheesie hahaaha. Anyway I wrote that we’re friends again so no issues

  • Cai Ying

    Wow congratulations!! Definitely a great start to the new year ^^
    That reminded me of my own story also… During high school days a classmate sent me love letter and i rejected him. Guess what? He stopped talking to me since then wtf. It was months before the final exam hence i was too busy to be bothered. FInally until the last day of our graduation trip, i braved myself and raised this issue up in front of the entire class (yes they all knew abt it fml) because i couldn’t stand losing a friend without knowing the reason. Ok i knew i rejected him but what actually made him stop talking to me? Did i hurt his ego or what i didn’t know and i needed an explanation. Fortunately he was willing to put every thing behind else i would be embarrassed to death wtf. It’s been 10 years since it happened and we still meet quite often with other classmates. I was so glad that i chose to talk it out and had this friendship saved. 🙂

  • BV

    Hi Audrey! I hope you don’t mind me asking. Is this person Sherlyn? I’m really really glad that this friendship of yours is salvaged. And with so many things to look forward to, especially Bump, I’m sure your 2015 will be awesome!! Wishing all the best to you and your family!!!

  • 爱看剧的Eirene

    So relieved to hear that! 😀
    Cheers! ;D

  • fourfeetnine

    Haha ya it is. How you know wtf. I’m glad things are settled and we can still be friends 🙂

  • MEFLINE

    do you & cheesie still hang out? Seldom see posts on you guys hanging out..and now Cheesie also moved to SG