AudDisgusting AudSuay

The worst day of my life

Everyone has an Embarrassing Poop Story but few have the kind of special courage it takes to share it on the Internet.

This woman (who kept a piece of her poop in her bag on a date) and then wrote about it on Twitter has my utmost respect hahahaha. She stayed true to herself which is something I always admire wtf.

Which is why I’ve decided to share my Embarrassing Poop Story.

Actually I’ve got tons wtf.  But this one stays in memory because not only is it the worst, it is also the most recent. FML.

So here goes.

Chup ah.  This was how I looked like at that time ok.  Keep that in mind when you read the story.

Once upon a time (in 2012, shortly after our wedding), Fatty and I were in the Bay Area — I’d gone with him when he had a business trip.

And one day, we had to make a trip to San Jose for Fatty to meet a PR firm.  So we took a long (by Malaysian standards) drive over from our apartment in San Fransisco.

The drive takes about an hour and usually it’s a nice chance for us to talk rubbish and play stupid games and generally is very enjoyable.

On that particular day though, Fatty started feeling pangs of pain in his stomach.  I don’t remember what we ate the night before but it must not have agreed with him cos he suddenly felt like he had to go REAL BAD. Hahahaha.

Being the loving and supportive wife I am, I did what comes naturally to me.  I laughed at him and proceeded to laugh for the next half hour as he drove like a demon and broke out in goosebumps and cold sweat.

Really FHL la! We couldn’t find any toilet stops some more so Fatty sped all the way to downtown San Jose, some more had to locate the office, find a parking spot then hustle in with clenched butt cheeks to use the bathroom before meeting starts.

Apparently, when he reached the toilet, he thought he also reached heaven.

Anyway I decided not to stick around for the meeting. There was a nice park nearby and I thought I’d take a walk.  Also, Angela had a friend working in that area and I was waiting to meet her to pass her something (or take something from her I forgot)

I peacefully strolled around the park while waiting for Vivian, Angela’s friend.

Suddenly, my stomach gurgled.

OMG Karma, they were not kidding when they said you were a bitch.

My turn to have lao sai!  And I’m stuck in a park with nowhere to go!

Surrounding me was just office buildings, no stores or restaurants where I could borrow the bathroom.  I could have gone to Fatty’s meeting place but I didn’t actually know the exact location — Fatty left me at the park and went to the meeting himself.

And he was in the middle of the meeting so he didn’t reply my urgent texts wtf.

What was I to do? I started combing the streets, searching for a restaurant or cafe that I could enter.  But no they were all private corporate buildings! In the meantime, my stomach was doing the rhumba, I was breaking out in cold sweat and I could barely stand up straight.

At this point I would be grateful for a drug store to buy an adult diaper BECAUSE THAT’S HOW CLOSE I WAS TO SHITTING THE PAVEMENT.

Then I found a post office!  I was like OMG tons of customers enter it right, I’m sure they’d have a bathroom to use.  So I went in and meekly asked some guy in uniform if I could borrow the bathroom.

He said, “Sorry miss.  The bathrooms are upstairs and are for private use only.” And he gestured to a grill that was blocking access to a staircase.

With that, my heart shattered into a million pieces and I resigned myself to defacing the property of the United States of America (the post office floor).

Somehow I managed to twitch my butt muscles and walked out in what I hoped was a relaxed and dignified way.

I was doomed.  There was no way I could leave San Jose with my self-worth intact.  I could see the headlines now – “Woman defecates in front of post office, faces charges.”  My only saving grace was that nobody knows me there wtf.

My stomach cramps faded a little bit and I made my way back to the park, wondering if I should poop there and bury the evidence wtf.

But lo and behold!  There stood like an angel from heaven, a toilet.  Smack in the middle of the park!  My sphincter sang.

It wasn’t a portable toilet but a proper one.

Something like this. (Apparently this is in Hyde Park) It was a circular standalone cubicle although I remember it being more ornate looking with gold painted fixtures.

I stood outside and fidgeted while trying to figure out how to open the damn door.

For some reason there were absolutely no instructions!  I know now that it’s an automatic door and I think you’re supposed to put money in to use it but the one I encountered really had no sign of what I was supposed to do. Not even a coin slot.

At this point I thought I’d have to take a dump outside the toilet like a poodle FML.  Literal case of so near, yet so far.

But suddenly, the door slowly slid open.  And the occupant sauntered out.

I rushed in.  Then I couldn’t find how to close the door either.  Eff this shit la.

Please remember that by now I think it had nearly been an hour.  I didn’t know if I could last any longer. Pooping in front of strangers was starting to look like a better and better option.  I had serious fears that I might actually vomit my poop, the way my stomach was behaving.

Finally I got the door sliding and it closed. I ran over to the toilet bowl and frantically unbuttoned my pants wtf.

It was too late. FML.

If you have a sensitive gut you may want to skip this section hahaha.

I pooped, guys. In my pants. FML.

The bad news is, there was a pile of steaming poop on my underwear FML max.  The good news is, it was all neatly contained in my pantiliner WTF.  Wonders of wonders! So my underwear wasn’t actually in any danger!

But life just keeps on giving.  I turned to the side to find there’s no toilet paper wtf.

And when I was still sitting there, there must have been a timer because the door suddenly slid open, exposing me in my best moment to the world FML again.

I had to get up, waddle over to the door with my pants around my knees and shut it again.

Things must have gotten too traumatic at this point because I don’t remember what happened or how I managed to solve my issues.  I know I lifted out my pantiliner and just dumped the whole thing.

But I don’t know how I solved the toilet paper problem.  I guess I’ll never know now wtf.

All I know is, I staggered out of the toilet a changed woman.

It was two hours before I could tell Fatty my ordeal. (It must be noted that he was super nice and didn’t laugh at me although I was relentless about his diarrhea.)

And it’s been four years before I can hold my head high and write this down.

This experience has in fact taught me several lessons.

One: always wear a pantiliner.
Two: Marry a man whom you can tell your most disgusting things and he will still love you.

 

  • disqus_BdOLC1pcNm

    i’ll also admit my even more horrific poop story. I had a bad stomach bug so I decided to take pepto bismo before bed. It is supposed to be a medicine that helps upset stomach/diarrhea and was expired when I took it but I thought it could help a little (stomach was so bad, I couldn’t dare leave the house to get new medicine cause I didn’t want to risk an incident on my local bus). FML it made things worse. What was just a frequent trip to the toilet blew up to be a full on WAR. I took it at night and couldn’t sleep well – my stomach was gurgling in pain and I had a cold sweat. But I didn’t want to go to the toilet cause at that point, I thought I could hold it in and let my poop….solidify. So I let out tiny farts instead, which seemed to help. Finally in the morning, the worst was past and I didn’t feel the need to poop. Go to pee and see my panties are covered in flecks of poop. I. Had. Sharted. In. My. Pants.

    I have so many more poop horror stories but that incident is scarred in my mind. Sorry if you were eating your lunch while reading this! xD

  • lilxcute

    i had one when i was in primary school. I didn’t know where the toilets were and couldn’t hold in any longer. Many other school kids experienced the same :/. Teacher had to send me home without underwear I think. I don’t remember the details anymore since I was only 7 but it has scarred be for life!

  • fourfeetnine

    OMG hahahahaha. well at least you were only 7 excusable hahahaha

  • fourfeetnine

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA why didn’t you leave your name hahahahahahha

  • http://crush-ice.blogspot.sg/ CT Bayya

    Happened to me when I just got married. in fact we were going to our OP to collect our pictures. Hubby was drinking redbull and I told him I’m allergic to it. He didn’t believe me and playfully dripped a few drops into my glass. 1/2 hour later, the terrible urge came when I was driving! And I can’t find my OP’s place! Painful abdomen + cold sweat while driving and lost. Nice. I wound down the window. When I finally reached the OP’s house, I hurried asked to use his toilet but it was too late. Soiled my panties but the issue was: How do I discard it?! Luckily his was a ground floor unit so I slid it (after washing) out the toilet window. And I went commando after that. No one asked why I took sooo long in there (I even washed his toilet floor). But hubby now knew that I’m REALLY allergic to redbull.

  • Audrey T

    HAHAHAHA your story made me laugh. i don’t know why I enjoyed reading this entry?? Haha but I think it’s bc you wrote it with such humor and lightheartedness for such a stressful situation 🙂

    By the way, I remember when you and Tim went to the Bay Area (I think you wrote about it on your blog?) I remember wishing I was in San Jose at that time to catch you because I’m from here and it would have been so awesome to meet you (but I was in Irvine at the time studying)!

  • disqus_BdOLC1pcNm

    OMG I still need to get married LOLOLOLOLOL

  • http://yuene.wordpress.com/ yuene

    Happens to me all the time! My poop story involves a 9 year-old me, and a drink mix called Fybogel. One day my mum let me try a little bit of this drink. I thought it tasted delicious, so over the next hour, I prepared and drank down an additional 4 packets of the thing. Shortly after, I felt something warm in my pants. That day, I shat into 3 different pairs of undies, before my mum realised what the hell happened. It took 4 hours for the effects to die down.

    As reference, adults and children over 12 are supposed to take 1 packet in the morning and 1 in the evening.

    But in my defence, she should’ve told me it was for constipation in the first place.

  • embarrassing_poop_story

    Hahahaha..i have to add my own story (need to do it annonymously as it’s highly embarassing)!!! we went for a seafood lunch some 60 mins away from Kuching and i have a really weak stomach. usually after i eat anything spicy, i’ll need the toilet 30 mins later…anyway so as we were driving back after our lunch, i started to get really bad stomach pains and i was literally breaking out in cold sweat. but we were literally in the middle of nowhere…i tried to hold it in but i really just couldn’t so my mum actually suggested to park the car by the road side and for me to get behind some bushes and just do my business there. hahahaha..i obviously refused but finally i couldn’t stand it so i said, ok and got out of the car. but i just couldn’t bring myself to poop behind some bushes on a highway..so we got back in the car and at this point i was seriously worried about defecating in the car..finally we saw a factory and i just ran in and asked for the toilet..i didn’t even care that it’s obviously for staff only..i think they saw how desperate i was so they let me in..the relief i felt then and there..omg..indescribable.