AudParenting

Thirteen laws of the three year old dictator and his 20 month old second in command

So all this time I’d always thought I lived in a constitutional monarchy.

Oh how little I knew.  How deluded I was.

We have been living under, what politicians (and other parents) call a dictatorship.

I’ve only realized this recently much to our despair wtf.  If you are a parent to be, or a new parent (with babies smaller than 1 year), I thought it my responsibility to warn you what’s ahead.

You will have a despot living in your household.

Here are some of the laws that may not be broken under totalitarian toddler rule.  They may or may not be arbitrary.

  1. Thou may not wear slippers or flip flops of any kind.  Unless King Fighter is wearing slippers himself.  Then you may apply for permission to wear.

2. Thou may not play sports of any sort.  If you ever dare to put on workout clothes or sports shoes, be prepared to face your punishment – death by tantrum.  Your badminton racket, yoga mat or whatever will consequently be thrown into the dustbin.

Cases in point.

 

3. Thou cannot go out for dinner without kids.  In King Fighter’s words: “Mommy, don’t go out for dinner.  It’s not good. It’s very dangerous. Later you go out at night and the bad man catch you!” *does catching motion with his hand* “I cannot take care of you. So you don’t go out.  Stay at home. Just now you already ate dinner so you don’t need to go out ok.”

4. Thou cannot wear lipstick.  Any color on your lips demands a penalty of swiping away the lipstick with grubby hands.  Because wearing lipstick is a precursor to a worse crime: Going out for Dinner (without children).

5. Thou shalt not hold my food for me. I will hold my own banana and my own spoon of porridge even if it falls all over my white dress, dammit.  Failure to do so will result in the possible spillage of food on your nice silk shirt and all over the kitchen floor.

6. Your bed is for our entertainment purposes only. Do not mistake your bed as a place of repose and rest; your bed exists purely for the whim and fancy of the Lord King and Lady Queen.  If they deign to repurpose your bed as a trampoline/pirate ship/parachute/tree house, thou shalt not object.

7. Thou shalt not take showers. Thankfully this applies to Daddy only, and not me but it basically means if Daddy ever dares to take a shower when King Fighter happens to be around, well, hell hath no fury and all that.  Apparently we are not allowed to be clean.

8. Thou shalt not poop alone.  Heaven forbid you should poop in quiet repose.  Pooping shall only occur when a sentinel (max height: three feet) is present.  Preferably trying to flush the toilet when you’re still sitting on the toilet bowl.

9. Thou shalt not press the elevator button or doorbell.  It is solely the job of the King.  Forgetting this very vital point will produce a tantrum the size of Hurricane Katrina because HOW COULD YOU MOMMY?!, and subsequent demands to press all the other buttons in the elevator pad.

10. Thou shalt read Hansel and Gretel and The Elmo Book as many times as the King and Queen see fit.  Preferably until you’re able to receit by memory.  Severe punishment in the form of refusal to go to sleep if you dare to hide the book and pretend you’ve lost it.

11. The King and Queen shalt only brush teeth with expensive toothpaste. Recommended brand: Jack & Jill toothpaste, RM27 a tube.  Darlie and Kodomo Lion and other inferior (read: cheaper) brands shall be banned on the basis of being too spicy for royal gums.  Any money spent buying alternative toothpaste might as well be flushed down the sink together with their spit and gargle.

12.  Thy stroller is not for sitting.  Only for exercise.  Thou shalt not presume to push the stroller because the Queen must always be the driving force behind it.  The stroller may be used to place diaper bags and handbags only.

13. By royal decree, all pajamas in Tiahland must be short sleeved.  In the absence of short sleeved pajamas, thou shalt let the King wear his regular tshirts to sleep.

In other words, guys, if you know where to buy short sleeved pajama sets please let me know ASAP. FML.

2016-12-11_02-11-03
Sorry Your Majesty, are you displeased?

But seriously, I would like to clarify that this post was written for jokes. I don’t think my kids are spoiled; they’re going through the same toddler phase that every kid goes through.  They’re trying to figure out their likes and dislikes and attempting to assert control over their lives (and sometimes us). For example, throwing Fatty’s shirt and equipment into the dustbin was Fighter’s way of expressing his major upset that Fatty was going out and leaving him.  We know when to draw the line so don’t worry!  I wrote this blog post as a funny reflection of the weird things my kids get worked up about and I’m sure all you parents of toddlers can agree!

  • http://www.adrianathani.com/ Adriana Thani

    Haha that’s adorable! Though I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it in the middle of a tantrum, lol

  • lenalena116

    Maybe I’m too strict but what I see from Fighter’s behaviour is he lacks discipline. When Fighter threw away Fatty’s shirt, if it were me, I’d pick his favourite shirt and throw it away in front of him and ask him how he’d feel if someone else throws away his things. It will be even harder for you guys when he hits his teens if being too lenient. That’s just my own opinion and one of my ways, I’m in no way trying to teach you how to raise your kids.

  • fourfeetnine

    I appreciate your not trying to teach me how to parent. :) But I’d like to clarify – this post was written as a humor piece. It was meant to describe the silly things that toddlers seem to get upset over and to tell other parents that we’re not alone! So don’t worry we do discipline and set boundaries. For eg, Fighter wasn’t just being a brat throwing Daddy’s things away; he was expressing his upset that Daddy was going out and therefore leaving him. So we do take action accordingly but I would not necessarily punish him for being upset at being left at home. I’m sure your parenting methods work for you. For my family, I prefer to understand the reason why they’re throwing a tantrum first before taking action. :)

  • fourfeetnine

    Definitely not LOLOL

  • Nicole

    Hi Audrey,

    I’ve seen pics and videos of fighter and penny sitting/standing in grocery baskets and trolleys with their shoes on. Wondering if you guys don’t think it’s a big deal or it slipped your mind that it’s actually not very hygenic :/
    I’m not sure if it’s just me being a little OCD but everytime I see them in the baskets with their shoes on I can’t help but think that’s the place where people put their food in.

    Not hating here but it seems kind of inconsiderate and you guys don’t appear to be that sort who’d do that deliberately. So I’m curious about your views on that, including standing on public seats and tables with their shoes on.

  • lenalena116

    Our family do get to know and understand the reason behind their behaviour first in case you thought we punish without reason. :) We punish if it is repetitive (as seen on Fighter). Instead of letting kids throw away things that are not supposed to be in the bin, we have always been supportive and encourage them to voice out their dissatisfaction or opinions instead. One comment from me and you accused me of judging your kids (as seen on FB) but I was simply sharing my opinion. I am your longtime silent reader (since 2008-2009) but I won’t support anyone blindly.

  • fourfeetnine

    I’m not saying that you don’t find out the root cause before punishing. Like I said I’m sure your methods work well for you and that’s great. But I’m going to say this because I think we’re both mature enough to have a civil discussion. even though you may not mean it, I do feel judged by your first line where you declared “he lacks discipline”. Those videos were recorded around the same time where he was going through this phase. I was uncomfortable that they were used to form a judgment on my son. We’ve addressed this issue and hopefully he understands and he hasn’t done it since although of course I dunno if he will never do it again. But fatty and I are learning new things every day.

    About your method, it doesn’t work for us cos he doesn’t see throwing away things as necessarily bad. He doesn’t care if I do that. So I have to find another way to make him understand. That’s why I said your ways may work for you but not for me or for other people. We just have to find a way that suits our family. I do feel like you were judging but there’s no malice in my reply to you nor my fb post.

  • fourfeetnine

    Thanks for the insight! Honestly it never occurred to us that standing in carts and baskets are unhygienic. Like I never even thought about it until you left this comment!

    Hmm lemme think. I think it’s cos carts carry lots of non food items besides so it never seemed like a place for food only. And food items are always wrapped up anyway and will be cleaned prior to cooking/eating. Thirdly, the carts and baskets themselves can be pretty filthy with rotted vege stuck to it etc so it was never about hygiene to me. 4thly I put my own food in baskets where the kids are standing and am totally unbothered by it wtf. I don’t know if other parents realize but I’ve never seen other kids in carts/baskets with no shoes on either. Or am I just blind hahaha.

  • Nicole

    I’m not a parent yet which might be the reason why I’m more particular that aspect. I guess there must be a 101 more important things to take note of while lugging a toddler around lol. Thanks for sharing your views :)

  • Pearly

    i buy short sleeved pajama from Sogo – Cuddles is the brand!

  • Sook-Kuan Loh

    We get short-sleeved cute pjs from pasar malam for my nephews and nieces 😀

  • Elisabeth Eli

    Short sleeved pajamas set – i bough the lounge sets from Uniqlo.

    All those written above are soooooo true true true. Especially pressing elevator button one. Happens everytimeee arggghhh