So all this time I’d always thought I lived in a constitutional monarchy.
Oh how little I knew. How deluded I was.
We have been living under, what politicians (and other parents) call a dictatorship.
I’ve only realized this recently much to our despair wtf. If you are a parent to be, or a new parent (with babies smaller than 1 year), I thought it my responsibility to warn you what’s ahead.
You will have a despot living in your household.
Here are some of the laws that may not be broken under totalitarian toddler rule. They may or may not be arbitrary.
- Thou may not wear slippers or flip flops of any kind. Unless King Fighter is wearing slippers himself. Then you may apply for permission to wear.
2. Thou may not play sports of any sort. If you ever dare to put on workout clothes or sports shoes, be prepared to face your punishment – death by tantrum. Your badminton racket, yoga mat or whatever will consequently be thrown into the dustbin.
Cases in point.
3. Thou cannot go out for dinner without kids. In King Fighter’s words: “Mommy, don’t go out for dinner. It’s not good. It’s very dangerous. Later you go out at night and the bad man catch you!” *does catching motion with his hand* “I cannot take care of you. So you don’t go out. Stay at home. Just now you already ate dinner so you don’t need to go out ok.”
4. Thou cannot wear lipstick. Any color on your lips demands a penalty of swiping away the lipstick with grubby hands. Because wearing lipstick is a precursor to a worse crime: Going out for Dinner (without children).
5. Thou shalt not hold my food for me. I will hold my own banana and my own spoon of porridge even if it falls all over my white dress, dammit. Failure to do so will result in the possible spillage of food on your nice silk shirt and all over the kitchen floor.
6. Your bed is for our entertainment purposes only. Do not mistake your bed as a place of repose and rest; your bed exists purely for the whim and fancy of the Lord King and Lady Queen. If they deign to repurpose your bed as a trampoline/pirate ship/parachute/tree house, thou shalt not object.
7. Thou shalt not take showers. Thankfully this applies to Daddy only, and not me but it basically means if Daddy ever dares to take a shower when King Fighter happens to be around, well, hell hath no fury and all that. Apparently we are not allowed to be clean.
8. Thou shalt not poop alone. Heaven forbid you should poop in quiet repose. Pooping shall only occur when a sentinel (max height: three feet) is present. Preferably trying to flush the toilet when you’re still sitting on the toilet bowl.
9. Thou shalt not press the elevator button or doorbell. It is solely the job of the King. Forgetting this very vital point will produce a tantrum the size of Hurricane Katrina because HOW COULD YOU MOMMY?!, and subsequent demands to press all the other buttons in the elevator pad.
10. Thou shalt read Hansel and Gretel and The Elmo Book as many times as the King and Queen see fit. Preferably until you’re able to receit by memory. Severe punishment in the form of refusal to go to sleep if you dare to hide the book and pretend you’ve lost it.
11. The King and Queen shalt only brush teeth with expensive toothpaste. Recommended brand: Jack & Jill toothpaste, RM27 a tube. Darlie and Kodomo Lion and other inferior (read: cheaper) brands shall be banned on the basis of being too spicy for royal gums. Any money spent buying alternative toothpaste might as well be flushed down the sink together with their spit and gargle.
12. Thy stroller is not for sitting. Only for exercise. Thou shalt not presume to push the stroller because the Queen must always be the driving force behind it. The stroller may be used to place diaper bags and handbags only.
13. By royal decree, all pajamas in Tiahland must be short sleeved. In the absence of short sleeved pajamas, thou shalt let the King wear his regular tshirts to sleep.
In other words, guys, if you know where to buy short sleeved pajama sets please let me know ASAP. FML.
But seriously, I would like to clarify that this post was written for jokes. I don’t think my kids are spoiled; they’re going through the same toddler phase that every kid goes through. They’re trying to figure out their likes and dislikes and attempting to assert control over their lives (and sometimes us). For example, throwing Fatty’s shirt and equipment into the dustbin was Fighter’s way of expressing his major upset that Fatty was going out and leaving him. We know when to draw the line so don’t worry! I wrote this blog post as a funny reflection of the weird things my kids get worked up about and I’m sure all you parents of toddlers can agree!