AudAngry AudShopping

Vibrating breasts

A much-needed juvenating trip to Sungei Wang was held by Min and me.

And I saw a woman wearing a low-cut top, whose breasts vibrated when she moved, hence the title.

Unfortunately, the trip wasn’t very pleasing thanks to some damn action salespeople who don’t know good business when they see it.

It wasn’t a productive day. Even though I bought 2 tops and 1 jacket (all together only RM40+!!) I wasn’t satisfied because there was nothing there that I really liked, I merely bought stuff for the sake of buying (unlike Jolene, Melody and Abby who got damn lots of stuff that they fell in love with at first sight! I hate them!:P)

So to cheer myself up and to make a shopping trip all the way to KL worth it, I decided to go over to Isetan to buy myself lipgloss. First I went over to the M.A.C. counter to check out their Lipglass (I shall not tag them because they don’t deserve it). I picked up a tube of Lipglass.

The %$@^* salesgirl, who looks like a pondan by the way, looked at me then looked away.

I hate salespeople with sticks stuck up their backsides so I walked away. To the Lancome counter.

Thankfully, the guy there (yes its a guy) decided to be nice to the small thing with frizzy hair from the rain and layaned me. Unfortunately they didn’t have what I was looking for so I went to Lancome in Metrojaya.

The fat lady there was tending to someone else so I waited.

And waited.

When her customers went off, she slowly turned her fat head and looked at me and Jia Min. Then she cranked her head back again, obviously happy enough to ignore the two 19-year old kids who don’t look like they can ever even afford to LOOK at Lancome products, what more buy them.

Then she started talking to 2 guys who came in and inquired where her colleague, May was. She was absorbed in the conversation. Obviously talking to two lala chais is a much better way to spend her time than to get good business for the company that is paying her monthly salary.

My blood was starting to boil but Min said, never mind, you want to get the lip gloss right? Tahan only!

But as I looked longer and longer at the Stupid Fat Saleswoman who is Blind and Deserves to Sell Yau Char Kwai only not Lancome, I couldn’t tahan anymore and stomped off.

Lancome Metrojaya shall not have my business!!

I stalked over to Parkson and luckily the saleslady over there was like an angel. I should have bought Hypnose mascara from her too! So I finally got my Lancome Juicy Tubes Lipgloss!!

I wanted to take a picture of it, but too bad I locked my camera into a drawer and left the keys with JMin.

But this does not stop me from being pissed!

Do you think I can’t afford the products that your company makes and hired you to promote? What do you think I’m doing at your counter then? Trying on products to get a free makeup job there and then? Don’t look down on me because I am just 19 years-old, am 4 feet nine, have frizzy hair cos of the rain, wear Converse sneakers, not Jimmy Choo mules, and carry Roxy bag, not LV!

You want me to wear Jimmy Choos? I will put on my Jimmy Choo boots and stamp on your face! Argh!!! I have never been treated this way before!

I don’t know if this happens only in Malaysia or everywhere else too. In Australia, Ruth does not seem to have a problem buying Lancome or Clinique! Does she look richer than me? More mature maybe?

The Jews must have felt like this in Hitler’s time, except a hundred times worse and they got executed.

AudNerd

The real story behind Dad’s Pavlovian Theory

In light of the baffling last two entries, I have thus decided to explain myself and the hint of pervertic-ness that was in Fat Her Ooi’s entry.

What he was talking about is perfectly innocent, although it’s certainly very mean to a tiny little two year-old girl. When I was young and naive, I used to follow my parents to supermarkets, not knowing about the terror that lay ahead.

In the household goods section, Fat Her would (in a saccharine voice) ask me to give him my hand. And in my childhood innocence, I would happily oblige, secure in the fact that my Daddy would protect me no matter what.

WRONG!!

Once he’d gotten his grubby paws on my cute little hand, he’d unhand a rotten-looking toilet brush (the round brown kind that looks like its made of coconut husk/lidi that you use to scrub your downstairs toilet floor with) from behind his back and proceed to scrub my tiny hand in a most vicious manner.

I would scream with laughter (because it’s ticklish in an obscene way) and anger at being bluffed and yank my hand out of his claws.

And then next time we went to a supermarket, the same thing would happen again. And again.

After a while when I got older and wiser, every time he asked for my hand in the household section of a supermarket, I would put both hands behind my back and shake my head firmly.

Thus is proved the Pavlovian theory.

For those who STILL don’t get Pavlov’s theory, go look it up in your SPM Bio reference book. I lazy to explain it out. Unless one day when I’m bored with nothing to blog about, I will consider it.

Funny Fat Her stories

dad’s pavlovian theory

To all psychology students

know why i’m the weird kid that i am? its all down to my dad. Being the mad wannabe scientist, he experimented on me. thanks to him, I’m now a firm believer of the pavlovian theory.

It all started in the supermarkets when i was small. He did it to me time and time again …and again. sounds like one of those depraved stories that you read in the papers,right? you’re damn right to be concerned. and he even used one of those thick household brushes.
Want to hear more? Call NOW!!!

Disclaimer: Previous entry in small black font was written by none other than Mr. Ooi. Audrey would like to deny any connection with it whatsoever. However, Mr Ooi is quite disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm and comments for his FIRST ever blog entry. Therefore, we would like to beseech you to leave any kind of comments at all, even if it has nothing to do with what he has written, for example calling him fat.

Disclaimer

AudRubbish

I am Michelangelo

Since my artwork 2 entries ago was greeted with much acclaim, I shall attempt another masterpiece (and also because I am quite bored).

Wait, excuse me for a second, is this big-ass gargantuan font better or is the old tiny cute one nicer? Which which? I thought this is better because when I read my own blog I don’t have to squint and put on my reading-glasses. But does it look amateurish? Somehow this font looks unprofessional to me, like as though it will contain lots of typeos an mitstakes. What do you think?

Yes yes, about the masterpiece.

Scroll down to check it out!!

Hold your breath everybody!!

I call it Brotherly Love.

In the event of me being too bored and with too much time on my hands, I’ve managed to polish up my Photoshop skills splendidly and superimposed two separate photos of two heterosexual males to look like they really dig each other.

The guy on the right is actually scratching his right knee (which is unseen in the picture) and thinking, “Kan ni ma… I kena mosquito bite some more this bloody fool wanna take my photo? Never mind, try to force a smile….”

And the guy on the left is actually…..well, the guy on the left is actually drunk.

After the photoshoot, Guy on the Right is angry because we have framed him and confused his sexuality. Therefore he refuses to pose anymore.

But it was to no avail! Fans and kay-poh-chis, all eager for a piece of this controversial dude just would not leave him in peace. “Eh look! Isn’t that the ah na!”

There was only one thing left for him to do. He had to hide!

“Nobody will find me now.”

Disclaimer: This entry was meant for entertainment purposes only and was not meant to embarrass or hurt anyone especially Hell Drivers.

AudSuay AudVanity

Stupid days

Min said she misses those days where we were stupid and did terrifically embarrassing stuff.

Why, are we damn smart now?

Min said, “No, but now we are more jaga kelakuan and not so klutzy anymore.”
Let me go back to what we did that was so stupid in the past.

I was reading Jia Min’s FIRST ever blog entry.

We were on one of our numerous shopping trips to Sg Wang becos apparently “Audrey needed to get new jeans for Chinese New Year”.

I got so selfish drag people to Sungei Wang for shopping wan meh?!

But I digress.

We took the train there. And for some reason, the stupid woman PANICKED when we boarded it, I dunno why, scared that we can’t find seats on the train. She turned in one spot for several rounds and uttered this strange grunting noise that sounds like this: “Unh unh unh unh…”

Double you tee eff!!!

I laughed until I wanted to pee in my pants.

And on the way back from Sungei Wang, we went to the cab stand to get a taxi to go to Megamall to meet EX-BF No. 2, who at that time was still my boyfriend lah.

We waited. And then it started pouring with rain.

And the wind started blowing. In our direction. Splattering rain drops on our faces, jeans and permed hair. AND the fucking taxis would not stop for us poor people stuck in the taxi stand.< Probably they are too pah pai, don't wanna drive in the rain and wanna get home to their hot dinner before the missus rings them up to accuse them of going to see their mistress etc. We were stuck in the damn taxi stand for hours and hours, wind channeling into our bones, teeth chattering and getting gastricitis and whatnot. Finally, a kind and deserving cabbie stopped his car for us. KIND AND DESERVING MY ASS!! First of all, he wouldn't even drive into the taxi stand and 2ndly, he charged us RM8 just to go to Midvalley. Pukima! But we had no choice. That was our only option, if we didn't wanna wait in the taxi stand for the next ten years. We had to run to the cab which was a car's length away from us in the thunderstorm. And the flood. Knowing KL's stoopit drainage system, the water level reached my shins!< When we got into the cab, we quickly stripped off our shoes and POURED the water out from our sneakers onto the floor of the car. Padan muka. When we finally got into MV and met up with The Ex and friends, we were dying of TB.< We even felt cold when other people walked past us, causing a breeeeze.< In the end to solve the matter, we had to go to Carrefour to buy RM5.90 slippers so we could change out of our soaked shoes. It was truly a remarkable experience, taking off our sneakers and socks in front of TopShop and Chris (who bought slippers too cos ours were just too nice!), Ben, Bob (omfg) and borrowing scissors from the Information Counter to cut the tags off. This is just one example of how stupid Min and I can get. Somehow, she thinks that that stupid era is over. Maybe becos I am leaving soon? Just last weekend, we were shopping and something dumb has to happen to the fateful us.< We were trying clothes in a MNG dressing room.< Smart Aud decided it would be fun to take photos of us using my disposable camera so we could finish up the film. "One, two, cheese!" Overheard from next door changing room: "Eh, got people taking photos ar?" "I think so! yadda yadda bitch bout inconsiderate people taking photos in changing rooms etc..." Smart Aud decided to stick her head out of the room and see who is talking.< Smart Aud was met with stares from girls holding up various pieces of MNG apparel. Smart Aud does a truely smart thing for once and ducks back in. "Eh I think the people who took pictures is Malay lah." WTF!< Do I look like Malay to you?! And even if I am Malay what do you have against Malays, you racist bugger? Why must say in such a snotty manner? I am not Malay!!! I am a pretty and cute Chinese girl. *vomits liver out* I don't even have dark skin already due to sitting at home for the past 8 months! Why, I went to Body Shop to buy concealer the saleslady gave me Concealer 02! Do you know what 02 means? From Concealer 02 to Concealer 04, 02 is the fairest!< This means that I am fair. I even asked the salesgirl, are you sure I am 02 ar? I thought I am quite dark, you know. She proceeded to test out the colours on me...and concluded that, YES, I am indeed 02! Min said I chanted 02 02 02..all the way home. I disagree. I merely casually mentioned it a few times in passing. This is after all a trivial matter and nothing to get overly excited about.< EVEN THOUGH I AM HENCEFORTH COUNTED AS FAIR I SHALL NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT AS IT IS HURTFUL TO OTHERS WHO DON’T HAVE SUCH GOOD COMPLEXION AS ME.

AudShopping

shop till you drop..has never happened to me

Joy oh joy!

I am finally online after 3 days! My streamyx is cured!

I went shopping on Saturday.

This is the first time I’ve actually went out for the purpose of shopping ever since Sungei Wang with Ruth and Min.

WAH LAU I CANNOT BELIEVE IT I AM SHOPPING FINALLY SHOPPING THIS IS SO EXCITING EVEN THO IT WAS NOTHING MUCH THAT I BOUGHT BUT THE RELEASE IS INCREDIBLE AND IT FEELS LIKE….

I shall stop and catch my breath.

Anyway I bought…

::My beloved pink cap that I’ve been eyeing since dunno when. It was on sale some more! Damn chun right? From now on, I shall start wearing caps. ::

::Body shop concealer! Bye bye circles under eyes! If anyone thought I was trying to acheive the smoky-eyed look before this, sad to say it was au naturel. But no more!::

::This is me. As you can see, I’m wearing Body Shop concealer and my Roxy cap::

PS. If you still see shadows under my eyes, that’s just it: shadows. My concealer is working!!

::Just to convince you, this is the before pic.::

AudSuay

Things that go bump in the night

Oh forgot to mention a very disturbing incident that occured today.

Jia Min, Rabin, Wei Zhen and me were naively sitting in a TGV cinema, absorbed in SPiderman 2 when ALL OF A SUDDEN….

I smelled this really horrific smell.

I turned to Wei Zhen and whispered in irritation, “Eh, you fart ar?”

“No!”

I turned to the other side. “Jia Min, you farted is it?”

“No! Why?”

“Damn smelly lah”.

“You think it’s Rabin ar?”

“Why? The smell stronger from his side ah?”

“No, but I hear funny sounds coming from him!”

A few seconds later, she whispered urgently, “Audrey! There, did you hear that?”

I sat as still as a lizard and listened hard.

Suddenly, “prrrrrrrrrrr…”

Oh shit!

The sound repeated itself a few times.

I stared hard at Rabin’s tummy, thinking he must have a heck of gas chamber inside.

Rabin realized that me and Min are giggling and whispering and staring hard at him. He asks Min, what are you laughing about?

Min says, “Was it you who farted?”

“No lah! Why?”

“Then what’s that sound?”

“It’s the woman behind me snoring!”

AudEmo

Warning: serious entry

I’m looking thru all my photos and getting all nostalgic.

“Goodness, how unphotogenic I am”.

But back to this.

Grace (on the plane now) and Wei Zhen (tomorrow morning)’s leaving for Melbourne really hit me with two things.

One, I myself am leaving in just one month’s time!

And two, I will not see many of my friends for possibly a long time…like 2 years or more!

If I’m lucky, some of them I will see in a year’s time.

Why does everything have to change…new life, new friends, new beginning. Of course I want to go to US and do my degree etc etc. But at the same time I’m so bummed that to do that, it would mean losing touch with all my friends, not seeing my family for a long time and missing out on all things Malaysian.

I know it comes with the package and always will, but it just saddens me that I have to give up so much for the sake of education.

Who’s to say that in 2 or 3 years’ time, my friends and I would still be able to click as we do now? Everything would be different by then. We would be two whole years older, our experiences would all differ and none would involve each other. We wouldn’t have anything in common. Plus, our personalities and characters themselves might evolve as well, making it difficult to get along like we do.

Maybe it’s time to let go now…but it’s so difficult! It’s not only about friendships. my whole life has been in Malaysia… my family, my entire schooling career, my first job, first boyfriend., etc etc.

I don’t like changes. Except when it comes to newer prettier hairstyles for meself. I don’t even like it when the grass in the garden gets cut, for god’s sake!

I just feel so, so uncertain. I really don’t wanna lose these people. I know who my true friends are and who they are not, and I don’t wanna lose these people who have always been there for me and have gone thru so many rites of passage with me.

AudRubbish

Unleash the beast

The temptation to buy the Dior Girly bag is killing me!

The worst part is, I actually have enough cash to do it. Obviously, genuine Dior Girly is just a far-away dream for me. But now that I have the means to do it, this puts matters in a different perspective.

One Dior Girly bag VERSUS 200 Roxy items.

Oh, the pain!

Why am I typing out mou liu things! Who cares about Dior Girly bag hor?

From now on, we shall discuss only rational and serious thought-provoking matters.

Like why my breasts are shrinking!!

No, no I am kidding. They are actually growing bigger.

OF COURSE NOT LAH!! HOW CAN I BE HAVING A GROWTH SPURT NOW?

I don’t even remember having a height growth spurt.

****

I asked my mother and she confirmed that I did not have a growth spurt at all. *stabs self*

****

I hate people with big breasts. For example Lindsay Lohan. Why does she get to go prancing around those big jugs slopping over her Santarina outfit when more than half of us Malaysian Chinese girls get teacups, huh? (Or am I the only one with teacups? Speak up!)

Btw, I would like to learn the Jingle Bell Rock dance in Mean Girls. It looks cute and slutty.

I had a traumatising experience with BIG BREASTS when I was at the young and impressionable age of fourteen.

Back then, I possibly didn’t even have teacups yet. But to reassure you all, I did not have to do sad things like invert my bra so I could fit in it.

Back to the trauma.

Oh, this is too much. All I can say that I was in class, wearing my usual flat pinafore and I wanted to ask the teacher something. So I got up and went to tap her on the back becos she was talking to someone else.

But another person has reached her first.

This person has gargantuan boobies.

I tried to reach the teacher, but before I could do that, the Big One turned around.

She came closer to me and pressed into me.

I lost my balance and stumbled because of the big inertia.

My elbow got stuck in her endless cleavage.

I tried to scream but my voice was lost. I thrust out my non-breasts in an attempt to push her back but I am no fight for her.

She is just too powerful and mighty!

I blacked out.

This is what I get for reading too much stupid Stephen King.

Nothing happened lar. My elbow got stuck in between her ample bosom and I stumbled, but that’s it.

No BUST-ups (good joke!), no lesbian sex, no whatever.

Sorry to disappoint if you happened on this blob, sorry, blog, oh dirty mind! by way of pervertically typing out “BIG LESBIAN BOOBIES” in Google. 😀

AudAngry AudCamwhore AudShopping

Diarrhea is yellow

Know what I hate more than anything else in the world?

People who break promises.

And people who fong fei kei or are more than 10 minutes late.

When I was younger, people who broke their promises to me caused me to produce tears out of anger and have problems such as constipation.

Now, at age 19, it does not seem to have improved.

Now at age 19, people who break promises make me bad mood for the entire day and have problems such as diarrhea.

Why, just today someone pissed me off so badly that I had to shit TWICE in a morning!

Urghhh!! @#*&%!!!

This is wreaking havoc on my bowels!!!

People who break promises have caused, no, forced (I digress, I dunno what is the HTLM for cancelled words) me to:
– have a permanent frown on my face
– get diarrhea
– change into my pajamas 5 hours earlier just to spite them, cutting off my own nose at the same time
– speak Hokkien to old ladies whom I don’t know!

People who break promises should not be allowed to:

– eat other people’s (especially those who they bersalah to) Japanese rice
– try to make people laugh so we will forget what they did to us
– repair their laptops at people’s houses
– have good sex ever again

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Of course I’m kidding. There’s no need for anyone to die. Just to feed me peeled grapes and scrub the dry skin off the soles of my feet while humming the Rubber Ducky song.


::Because I got new photos of myself, I have to show it to you. This is me and my most kam cheng friend in the Amex office, Ji-ann::


::And this is an example of how useful we actually are in the office. I did both sets of our nails! Mine’s the cow print and her’s is the leopard::

Few months back, me and this Ji-Ann went shopping in Sungei Wang.

And Ji-Ann, frequent clubber and abit psycho that she is, decided that she wanted to buy….

silicone-like sticky cups that looks like implants, which you stick to your boobs instead or wearing a strapless bra.

We walked in a damn cool way into Sasa.

We darted into the sticky bra-cup thing section.

The salesgirl in Sasa shouted, “HELLO! HOW MAY I HELP YOU? MIGHT YOU BE LOOKING FOR A NICE STICKY BRA-CUP THING?”

(All in Cantonese, of course to ensure that the entire customer population of Sg Wang would understand, with the possible exception of overweight ang mohs.)

We said yes in pure shame and she proceeded to demonstrate the use of the sticky bra-cup thing.

Not on herself you perverts!! She just took it out of the box and showed us how sticky the cups were. All for only RM199!

It was sticky all right.

It stuck right to my finger as a curious boyfriend temaning his gf stared strangely at two idiots holding breast implants in the middle of the shop.

It stuck to my hand as I discreetly tried to shake it off. Where is that fcuking salesgirl now when we need her? I thought furiously.

Finally, the breast implant came unstuck!

And it fell onto the floor and stuck to the tiles.

When the salesgirl finally succeeded in scraping the fake boob off the floor, there were grains of sand and dust stuck to it.

To save our souls and dignity, Ji-Ann bought a pair of fake breasts from them. All for only RM199!

But she wanted to buy it anyway! It’s not so bad.

I’m sure she’s perfectly satisfied with her purchase and possibly won’t go clubbing without it.

“Ji-Ann! What’s that skin-colored rubbery silicone thing that fell from your dress and is now stuck to your knee?”

“Oh, that’s just my brooch”.