AudSuay

Things that go bump in the night

Oh forgot to mention a very disturbing incident that occured today.

Jia Min, Rabin, Wei Zhen and me were naively sitting in a TGV cinema, absorbed in SPiderman 2 when ALL OF A SUDDEN….

I smelled this really horrific smell.

I turned to Wei Zhen and whispered in irritation, “Eh, you fart ar?”

“No!”

I turned to the other side. “Jia Min, you farted is it?”

“No! Why?”

“Damn smelly lah”.

“You think it’s Rabin ar?”

“Why? The smell stronger from his side ah?”

“No, but I hear funny sounds coming from him!”

A few seconds later, she whispered urgently, “Audrey! There, did you hear that?”

I sat as still as a lizard and listened hard.

Suddenly, “prrrrrrrrrrr…”

Oh shit!

The sound repeated itself a few times.

I stared hard at Rabin’s tummy, thinking he must have a heck of gas chamber inside.

Rabin realized that me and Min are giggling and whispering and staring hard at him. He asks Min, what are you laughing about?

Min says, “Was it you who farted?”

“No lah! Why?”

“Then what’s that sound?”

“It’s the woman behind me snoring!”

AudEmo

Warning: serious entry

I’m looking thru all my photos and getting all nostalgic.

“Goodness, how unphotogenic I am”.

But back to this.

Grace (on the plane now) and Wei Zhen (tomorrow morning)’s leaving for Melbourne really hit me with two things.

One, I myself am leaving in just one month’s time!

And two, I will not see many of my friends for possibly a long time…like 2 years or more!

If I’m lucky, some of them I will see in a year’s time.

Why does everything have to change…new life, new friends, new beginning. Of course I want to go to US and do my degree etc etc. But at the same time I’m so bummed that to do that, it would mean losing touch with all my friends, not seeing my family for a long time and missing out on all things Malaysian.

I know it comes with the package and always will, but it just saddens me that I have to give up so much for the sake of education.

Who’s to say that in 2 or 3 years’ time, my friends and I would still be able to click as we do now? Everything would be different by then. We would be two whole years older, our experiences would all differ and none would involve each other. We wouldn’t have anything in common. Plus, our personalities and characters themselves might evolve as well, making it difficult to get along like we do.

Maybe it’s time to let go now…but it’s so difficult! It’s not only about friendships. my whole life has been in Malaysia… my family, my entire schooling career, my first job, first boyfriend., etc etc.

I don’t like changes. Except when it comes to newer prettier hairstyles for meself. I don’t even like it when the grass in the garden gets cut, for god’s sake!

I just feel so, so uncertain. I really don’t wanna lose these people. I know who my true friends are and who they are not, and I don’t wanna lose these people who have always been there for me and have gone thru so many rites of passage with me.

AudRubbish

Unleash the beast

The temptation to buy the Dior Girly bag is killing me!

The worst part is, I actually have enough cash to do it. Obviously, genuine Dior Girly is just a far-away dream for me. But now that I have the means to do it, this puts matters in a different perspective.

One Dior Girly bag VERSUS 200 Roxy items.

Oh, the pain!

Why am I typing out mou liu things! Who cares about Dior Girly bag hor?

From now on, we shall discuss only rational and serious thought-provoking matters.

Like why my breasts are shrinking!!

No, no I am kidding. They are actually growing bigger.

OF COURSE NOT LAH!! HOW CAN I BE HAVING A GROWTH SPURT NOW?

I don’t even remember having a height growth spurt.

****

I asked my mother and she confirmed that I did not have a growth spurt at all. *stabs self*

****

I hate people with big breasts. For example Lindsay Lohan. Why does she get to go prancing around those big jugs slopping over her Santarina outfit when more than half of us Malaysian Chinese girls get teacups, huh? (Or am I the only one with teacups? Speak up!)

Btw, I would like to learn the Jingle Bell Rock dance in Mean Girls. It looks cute and slutty.

I had a traumatising experience with BIG BREASTS when I was at the young and impressionable age of fourteen.

Back then, I possibly didn’t even have teacups yet. But to reassure you all, I did not have to do sad things like invert my bra so I could fit in it.

Back to the trauma.

Oh, this is too much. All I can say that I was in class, wearing my usual flat pinafore and I wanted to ask the teacher something. So I got up and went to tap her on the back becos she was talking to someone else.

But another person has reached her first.

This person has gargantuan boobies.

I tried to reach the teacher, but before I could do that, the Big One turned around.

She came closer to me and pressed into me.

I lost my balance and stumbled because of the big inertia.

My elbow got stuck in her endless cleavage.

I tried to scream but my voice was lost. I thrust out my non-breasts in an attempt to push her back but I am no fight for her.

She is just too powerful and mighty!

I blacked out.

This is what I get for reading too much stupid Stephen King.

Nothing happened lar. My elbow got stuck in between her ample bosom and I stumbled, but that’s it.

No BUST-ups (good joke!), no lesbian sex, no whatever.

Sorry to disappoint if you happened on this blob, sorry, blog, oh dirty mind! by way of pervertically typing out “BIG LESBIAN BOOBIES” in Google. 😀

AudAngry AudCamwhore AudShopping

Diarrhea is yellow

Know what I hate more than anything else in the world?

People who break promises.

And people who fong fei kei or are more than 10 minutes late.

When I was younger, people who broke their promises to me caused me to produce tears out of anger and have problems such as constipation.

Now, at age 19, it does not seem to have improved.

Now at age 19, people who break promises make me bad mood for the entire day and have problems such as diarrhea.

Why, just today someone pissed me off so badly that I had to shit TWICE in a morning!

Urghhh!! @#*&%!!!

This is wreaking havoc on my bowels!!!

People who break promises have caused, no, forced (I digress, I dunno what is the HTLM for cancelled words) me to:
– have a permanent frown on my face
– get diarrhea
– change into my pajamas 5 hours earlier just to spite them, cutting off my own nose at the same time
– speak Hokkien to old ladies whom I don’t know!

People who break promises should not be allowed to:

– eat other people’s (especially those who they bersalah to) Japanese rice
– try to make people laugh so we will forget what they did to us
– repair their laptops at people’s houses
– have good sex ever again

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Of course I’m kidding. There’s no need for anyone to die. Just to feed me peeled grapes and scrub the dry skin off the soles of my feet while humming the Rubber Ducky song.


::Because I got new photos of myself, I have to show it to you. This is me and my most kam cheng friend in the Amex office, Ji-ann::


::And this is an example of how useful we actually are in the office. I did both sets of our nails! Mine’s the cow print and her’s is the leopard::

Few months back, me and this Ji-Ann went shopping in Sungei Wang.

And Ji-Ann, frequent clubber and abit psycho that she is, decided that she wanted to buy….

silicone-like sticky cups that looks like implants, which you stick to your boobs instead or wearing a strapless bra.

We walked in a damn cool way into Sasa.

We darted into the sticky bra-cup thing section.

The salesgirl in Sasa shouted, “HELLO! HOW MAY I HELP YOU? MIGHT YOU BE LOOKING FOR A NICE STICKY BRA-CUP THING?”

(All in Cantonese, of course to ensure that the entire customer population of Sg Wang would understand, with the possible exception of overweight ang mohs.)

We said yes in pure shame and she proceeded to demonstrate the use of the sticky bra-cup thing.

Not on herself you perverts!! She just took it out of the box and showed us how sticky the cups were. All for only RM199!

It was sticky all right.

It stuck right to my finger as a curious boyfriend temaning his gf stared strangely at two idiots holding breast implants in the middle of the shop.

It stuck to my hand as I discreetly tried to shake it off. Where is that fcuking salesgirl now when we need her? I thought furiously.

Finally, the breast implant came unstuck!

And it fell onto the floor and stuck to the tiles.

When the salesgirl finally succeeded in scraping the fake boob off the floor, there were grains of sand and dust stuck to it.

To save our souls and dignity, Ji-Ann bought a pair of fake breasts from them. All for only RM199!

But she wanted to buy it anyway! It’s not so bad.

I’m sure she’s perfectly satisfied with her purchase and possibly won’t go clubbing without it.

“Ji-Ann! What’s that skin-colored rubbery silicone thing that fell from your dress and is now stuck to your knee?”

“Oh, that’s just my brooch”.

AudSocialButterfly

I could have danced all night…

Argh!! Fucking Internet explorer had to die and be shut down!!!

WHy did you have to do this to me?! Right after I typed out this fucking long entry, you had to shut down!!! Damn the devil to hell!

Start again.

*************************

Oh happy day!

I think yesterday was a day that I’ll never forget.

My parents wanted to have a farewell party for me. But they told me that it is for “me and my relatives and neighbours”.

Don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t very enthusiastic about it because I thought when they said relatives, they meant those people that I only see once a year at Chinese New Year, who I’m not very close to also.

I thought the whole night I would have to make lotsa small talk and inform people how many jackets I’ve bought already.

But I thought its ok lar, since there would be lotsa food *slurps* and lotsa angpaus around. 😛

The day approached, the caterers came (bearing a fountain and two damn fake-looking plants which were infested with ants), my grandmother came, and Wei Zhen came with the excuse that he wanted me to teman him buy a CD for his sis.

Since he is the King of Impromptu Visits, I did not suspect anything.

In actual truth, it is a ploy to lure me out of the house so the rest of my friends could sneak in and surprise me when I got back.

Signs that something was amiss yet I did not notice:

1. When Wei Zhen came to pick me up, my dad went out to the car to talk to him in a secretive fashion. Wearing my pink slippers.

2. When I asked WZ what my dad said to him, he said “uh..nothing lar..EH! later you got farewell issit?” I said, is tat what my dad talked to you about? he said yaa…hesitantly.

3. Instead of going to Parade to buy his sis’s CD, he took me to McD’s in ss15 because he wanted to “sit down and talk to me”

4. At 7pm, I told him I had to go home already cos I didnt wanna be late for the party. His reaction? “Har? Your dad didnt even call also!”

5. He told me he wanted to pee before we went off. He then proceeded to sit down there and yak some more.

6. When i told him to go piss, he said he had to sit down some more and wait for the pee to collect in his bladder!!

7. When we finally left, he suddenly parked his car again and proceeded to show me how the nozzles on his car bonnet shot water out and washed his windscreen. TWICE.

8. I got irritated with him cos he was driving soooo slow.

9. We saw Kah Leong and Donovan at the roundabout! I did not suspect anything and was merely puzzled when instead of waving back, the just zoomed off.

10. Wei Zhen took the wrong turning to my house!! This is the stupidest thing when he has been to my house a gazillion times! It was to slow us down to make sure evryone reached already before me.

I finally realized what was going on when I saw Hsin’s car parked outside my house and a whole group of Langkawi people walking towards my house.

Things were not helped by the voices of people in the dining room while they were waiting to surprise me. 😛

Thanks to all that came!! I really really appreciated it…and I was damn touched by the loads of people who showed up.

Thanks goes out to:

Mummy and Daddy Ooi (the name Fat Her has been removed becos of this) who organised the whole thing together with…

Brother Ooi (love ya Baz!) and..

Chung Jia Min (thank you dear for organising this and getting terrorised by Daddy Ooi)

Liow Wei Zhen (sorry you were so stressed out!) – the con man

Those who attended…the night wouldn’t have been the same without you!!

SU gang – Grace and Mark, Rabin, Hsin, Vina, Jolene, Meldee, Nimalan

Elaine Kan – thank you so much for coming! Never expected to see you there.. you were the surprise!

Sam Li Huan – thank you for coming..I know you were bored!

Langkawi Gang – Din, Meow, Cheryl, Malcolm (with his Lynn Dhia), Don, Kah Leong, Wee Li, Mun Joon, Darren

all relatives and neighbours (but who will never read my blog anyway:P)

**Dearly missed was Ruth Gong, also Chow Pak Lun who have jetted off to Melbourne already. It felt incomplete without you…

All right all right here are the pics!!

::Some of my relatives! The short blue one is Daddy Ooi::


::SU gang!! Clockwise from F*C*U*K: Mark, Wei Zhen, Rabin, Jia Min, Audrey and Grace. ::


::The network! Min, Audrey, Grace::

::From front: Elaine, Vina, Hsin, Grace. Drugged guy in the back is Rabin::

::Jolene, me and Meldee. Sorry Jo, all the pics also your eyes closed!!::


::Langkawi!! Clockwise from pretty woman in the black top: Cheryl, Wee Li, me, Donovan (1/2 head), Darren, Lynn Dhia (1/2 head), Dinesh, Meow Fong::



::Auntie Rina, Auntie (not sure what but she’s Uncle Fook’s wife), Uncle Fook. Above are me and Mummy Ooi. Dammit why am I winking?!::


::L-R: Rabin, Wei Zhen, me, Min, Sam::

And for the heck of it and also cos I miss her so much…

::Min, me and Ruth at Kim Gary’s the night before she left::

::Power of 4 at Oishii…. Ruth’s farewell for me!!::

Funny Fat Her stories

I spy with my little eye

Fat Her Ooi is having great fun with my MSN account.

Every time he turns on the comp, my MSN pops up automatically.

People think Audrey is online and message me, putting themselves in the mercy of the Fat Her.

A frequent victim happens to be Severe Examinational Hailatification Syndrome

*snigger* one saved conversation goes as such:

Severe Examinational Hailatification Syndrome says: alien!

this is audrey not mr ooi says:hi its real dad again

Severe Examinational Hailatification Syndrome says: oh… sorry mr ooi… cos her nickname says it’s not you mar…

this is audrey not mr ooi says: aud is sniggering at the back

Severe Examinational Hailatification Syndrome says: she’s evil. you raised an evil daughter mr ooi. did you know she put funny pictures of you on the internet? hahaha….

Audrey kanna pinch by Fat Her Ooi!!!

this is audrey not mr ooi says: Erm, i will get back: to you later. i have something to SORT out with her. Is the picture about me in my funny pyjamas?

There is no such picture. Mr Ooi is playing along with Severe etc.

Severe Examinational Hailatification Syndrome says: hahaha… erm… no no… i better not say anything more… she will kill me… hahaha

***end of conversation***

Other victims include devilmin aka JMin and seabiscuit aka Hsin.

They invited audrey to their chatroom, thinking of course that it is Audrey.

Unfortunately for them, it was Kaypoh Ooi again. Unknown to them, Kaypoh Ooi read carefully their chat about their first sem results, under the cover of pretending to be audrey.

When he was done, he closed the chat.
devilmin and seabiscuit just thought that audrey was quite rude for not talking and simply leaving the conversation. They did not suspect anything else.

For revenge and prevention of further infiltration of Father Ooi into my MSN, i took the following measures.

1. Changed MSN nick to “this is mr ooi

2. Changed picture on MSN from this:

to this:

AudVanity

Hello, goodbye

Mean Girls is damn nice!

You know me, a sucker for chick flicks.

But other than me and Min, Rabin and Wei Zhen seemed to like it a lot too, though I don’t know if that’s more due to the amount of cleavage and leggage shown than the plot and humour.

Almost everyone I know seems to be damn worried about their future. Yes, first sem results are out and there are lots of uh, worrying grades.

All the best to everyone!!

(drums fingertips on table)

I thought I had a lot to blog about but it seems I’ve lost my train of thought.

I want something from Von Dutch! I don’t think they have it in Malaysia. But the things are all damn nice, kinda funky (in the old sense of the word, not the new, which apparently means weird or smelly or something) and casual.

I first saw it in Japan. ANd I already thought it was damn chun. But I dunno why the messages on the Tshirts didn’t make any sense, like for eg.,

“Real Men are Good-Looking!”

or something equally as mind-boggling. (I made that up, btw.)

So I thought Von Dutch was just some crap Jap brand and I chalked up the nonsense English to their oh-so-kawaii way of mangling the language.

I came back and suddenly I see pics of Von Dutch everywhere. And I realize that its an American brand.

Shit.

OK, let’s just talk about something else. We shall not discuss the fact that I’m having terrible period cramps right now, for the reason that it’s disgusting.

We shall talk about a quite scary thing I do which is talk to myself.

When I say talk to myself, I don’t just mean shouting “Fuck!” when I ter-kick the table leg.

I mean, sometimes you can see my lips move as I debate with myself whether to buy that skirt or not.

Or I ask myself questions and answer them when trying to make a decision. There really is an Angel Audrey and a Devil Audrey perched on my shoulders pulling me this way and that.

Or even worse, I conjure up whole conversations that I might have with anyone I know and actually act them out in my head, me acting out both parts of course, complete with lip-moving and voices.

FIrst signs of schizophrenia.

Funny Fat Her stories

Thank you for the music

Yesterday I had a beeg fight with Fat Her Ooi about, of all things…Kazaa.

He insists that I delete Kazaa.

With a heavy heart, I agreed, due to the fear that the FBI would detect me downloading copyrighted stuff off Kazaa and sue me.

Hehe, sounds quite funny written down, doesn’t it?

I was very irritated. But the risk of that happening while I’m over in the US is there.

So I agreed to delete Kazaa.

Then Fat Her told me to delete ALL MY SONG FILES as well.

This is where I balked.

WHY MUST I DELETE MY MUSIC! I don’t have any movies or videos, all are songs. And not all of them are from Kazaa, some are sent to me by friends while some I downloaded straight from CDs.

Fat Her is paranoid that “what if my roomate doesn’t like me and she will go tattle to the authorities aka the school authorities or Police and they check on me and I lose my scholarship”?
Breathe in, breathe out, Aud.

Me and Fat Her are in the dark about all this legal stuff.

Can the FBI or the record companies track you down even if you delete Kazaa or any other P2P network you might have had? By checking your music files, can they detect whether you got them from Kazaa or from a legitimate CD?

Which is the better way, save all my music files on the comp, or burn everything into CDs?

I don’t really download any English songs anyway. Most of my songs are Chinese or Japanese. Does that decrease my risk of being sued?

Someone give me an answer!!!

Will I be doomed to spend four years without music?

AudSuay

Gone with the Wind

Ruth has left Malaysia and is on her way back to Melbourne. I will miss her so much…. woman, don’t forget about the small thing over here ok!!!

And remember to use your bag!! ANd wear pink underwear.

I am so depressed!!! Yesterday was the last time that I would ever see her again for a year. I won’t see her again until next June when(if?) she comes back again for holidays.

Not only is her leaving proclaiming the fact that I won’t see her again for a looong time but it also reminds me that Grace and Wei Zhen will also be going off soon and I won’t see them for another year or so too. *black cloud over head*

But we shall not talk about depression today as it is the morning and I do not feel as sad as I did last night. How can anyone feel sad in the morning anyway?

We shall talk about random happenings yesterday.

Whole day was spent with Ruth, JMin and Joel, with guest appearances from Hsin, Qi Zhen the Quack, WZ and people from my class in college last year.

It was a day of lies on Audrey’s part. SHall not go on about it as it is too sinful and I feel too guilty.

Bernard from Class in College invited us to join them for some kinda class reunion. We were coming down the escalator and could see Stonegrill on our left (they were eating there) when all 3 of us suddenly changed our minds and ran to the right instead, trying to think what to do next.

We do not get on very well with our classmates. We are too noisy and pan cute for them.

Bernard however, saw us already and called my phone while we were panicking on the right side of the escalator.

We had no choice but to go and sit down with them.

It was torture.

Ruth and JMin left me to do the small-talking while they sat at the side and whispered secrets to each other.

In the end, we were saved by Hsin’s phonecall and pretended we had to go get her from the hairdresser’s and thus ran off.

Whole day was spent taking photos.

QZ the Quack has terrible photography skills.

Day was interrupted by some unforseen circumstances but luckily self got to go out and spend another few more hours with darling Ruth after that.

I apparently have a 13-year old friend (who thinks I’m 13 too).

Let us digress for a minute.

A few weeks ago, I teman-ed Aden to his friend, Sze Jiann’s housewarming party. There was a small kid there who came up to me and stuck out her hand and said, “Hi, I’m Belle“.

To humour a child, I started talking to her and she told me she was 12 etc etc. She complimented me on my hair (“looks just like Hayley Duff’s”…. I was thinking, who on earth is that?!), my pink Guess watch, my Roxy bag, and my bracelet.

Then later on she was talking to another girl there, Sze Ling (this chick was damn cute, with fair fair skin, pink chubby cheeks and a damn nice smile).

They both came up to me and Sze Ling moaned, “She thought I’m 14!” She is actually 18.

I said, “Har?” (turns to Belle) “How old do u think I am then?”

“Thirteen”.

I tried not to faint.

Anyway, yesterday Belle saw me outside QBar and waved to me most energetically. Everyone, including me was wondering who was that when it dawned on me.

What is a 13-yr old girl doing outside QBar at 10 – 11 pm?! She should be in bed! Asleep! Or at least studying her Sejarah!

 Oh, this makes me feel so inadequate.

AudSuay

Sleep early

Random Signs that You’re Having A Bad Day and that You Should Go to Bed Early:

1. Your teacher’s car rolls over your foot while you’re standing at the side of the road waiting for your mum.

2. You’re cycling as fast as you can to avoid the rabid-looking dog chasing after you and don’t see the tree right in front of you and get smacked in the face by a branch.

3. Your toothpaste falls off your toothbrush before you get to brush your teeth.

4. Your lip swells up for no reason at all! You didn’t even eat any ajinomoto.

5. You discover you have a pimple on your ass.

I was bored.