AudSuay

The Girl with the Crying Face

Yet another trip to the American Embassy.

Had to line up bloody long as usual.

When it was finally my turn, the girl at the counter opened up my passport to show me my visa and confirm that it was indeed mine.

When I saw it I got a shock.

It was so ugly that I thought it was not mine. I almost said that she got the wrong passport.

Daddy Ooi got scared that my well-known vainness would make me try to get the Ugly Visa Photo changed and hurried me away from the embassy before anything happened.

Oh my god I just remembered that I used the Ugly Visa Photo for my MAS Grad card as well. But sucks to everyone! That Grad card is going to get me a free invite to a Christian Dior show soon! Ha! Ha! Here I come Chris 1947 and Dior Girly and CD facial wash!!

Other than that, its been a shitty day.

First of all, Perang Ooi occured because nobody could decide who should go and buy food for dinner. It almost ended up with nobody having dinner to eat becos Brother Ooi stormed upstairs, Daddy Ooi plonked on the sofa and wouldn’t move and Aud Ooi grabbed the Mercedes keys and threatened to drive out herself, which got a shout from Mummy Ooi.

In the end, Daddy Ooi decided to drive out and buy and Aud Ooi decided to follow him even though she was missing her 8.30 show because she felt guilty.

And there, in ss15 disaster struck yet again.

I LOST 50 BUCKS.

Daddy Ooi went to Burger King to buy his dinner and I went to McD’s to buy mine and Brother Ooi’s. And somehow on the way from Burger King to McD’s I managed to lose the RM50 that my dad gave me. And there was Perang Ooi II in McD’s.

And I started crying sitting at a McD’s table.

Fuck it, damn lazy to write about crappy things that happen. Anyway I dried up enough to take my order but on the way back home I started flooding the car again and poor Daddy had to drive around ss18 a few rounds so I would stop by the time we reached home.

All fine now.

Makes me feel terribly incompetent though. How am I supposed to survive on my own if I keep doing things like this? This is total Audreyness.

To be continued.

AudRubbish

dead man walking

F U C K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so goddamn bored!!!!!!!!!!

Why, oh why does Monash and RMIT and Melb Uni and the rest of all the cheebye universities have to do this to me?!

They are taking away my friends from me! Eternal damnation to you and your exams! Thanks to you, I’m bored out of my mind.

Let me recap the things I did today just to keep myself occupied:

1. Washed 3 pairs of undies (all different colors) and 2 black bras.

2. Plucked my eyebrows.

3. Played GunBound. Hmm I seem to be getting bored of it. MAYBE BECOS I KEEP LOSING! Why is everybody getting better except me?

4. Used a needle to poke and burst all the tiny bubbles on my fingers (which were probably caused my some allergy yet again).

5. Then pulled and picked at all the skin on my fingers. They fcuking hurt now.

6. Increased everybody’s hit count on their blogs by clicking Refresh several times.

7. Opened my own blog several times during the day to admire the pinkness of it.

8. Played 400 games of Spider Solitaire.

Bravo! What a productive day! I must be sure to do it again sometime.

I can just see myself doing all this every single day for the next 2 weeks.

AudShopping AudSuay

Hello Dolly

Too tired…I wasn’t planning on blogging today BUT! My dear darling Ruth changed my mind because she said that she LOVES MY BLOG!! 😀 So here I am.

WELL. Today was quite a suey day.

First of all, I decided to give lip gloss another try.

If you didn’t know, I don’t wear lip gloss, or any lip balm other than Vaseline. I will wear every single kind of makeup there is except lip gloss. This is because I am very allergic to it.

But this lip gloss was a very nice color and it looked damn good on me. URghh!! I was tempted.

I dabbed it onto my lips. No problem!

No problem until….

TWO HOURS LATER MY LIPS TURNED INTO A FUCKING BALLOON AND SWELLED UP AND ITCHED!!!!!!!!

I now look like Dolly Parton, minus the breasts.

I went to Midvalley and it was supposed to be a day of fun and shopping together with Mummy Ooi, Leslie Cheung Auntie and other auntie from Penang. (Let’s call her Nail Art Auntie)

I went there with high hopes because Nail Art Auntie is the most happening of the lot ie. she goes to karaoke and pubs with her hubby and therefore she would want to go to such shops like MNG etc.

We entered MNG.

There was NO sale.

All the clothes looked like for working women.

And then after that, whatever happeningness there was between us disappeared as they attacked all the auntie shops and left me to carry the big ugly cloth bag of water bottles.

So I decided to join Daddy Ooi over at MPH. And when I got there, I had a terrible pain in the stomach and I had to go.

It turns out in the end, I had to go THREE times: twice in the Metrojaya toilet and once in Leslie Cheung Auntie’s house.

I was so tired from lugging bottles of water about and crapping my insides all over Metrojaya that I fell asleep in the car.

Suddenly, thru my sleep I heard shouts of “Tchoot hoon! Tchoot hoon!” and “AUDREY! GET OUT OF THE CAR!”

I opened my eyes and hurriedly scrambled out of the car, to see smoke swelling out from under the bonnet (Tchoot hoon in Hokkien: emitting smoke) and everyone standing outside the car. We were at Holiday Villa to drop Nail Art Auntie off.

They opened up the bonnet ( I say they becos I just stood at the side, I’m not pretending to know anything about cars) to check what was wrong, and suddenly, a whole bunch of other people came running to kaypoh, the hotel jockey, the parking attendant and what looked like a man in a waiter’s uniform.

My dad asked the jockey for some water to pour into the container thing becos apparently it was dry.

He nodded most efficiently.

He took a 1.5 litre mineral water bottle and galloped off………… to the fountain outside the hotel and FILLED THE BOTTLE WITH FOUNTAIN WATER.

Daddy Ooi wanted to pengsan.

Anyways. We were soon on our way with the jockey giving us a friendly nod-head-down-and-lift-hand gesture and we flew all the way back WITH THE AIRCON OFF to avoid any breakdowns.

And here I am.

PS. Luckily I got a book and new camisole/spaghetti top to counter the suey-ness.

AudRubbish

Encounters of the Weird Kind

I FINALLY GOT MY VISA!!

Ha ha ha…after all this time! Nobody will get in the way of my passport and me! Not even Hurhurhur man who laughed at my picture! I’m waiting for your congratulations.

What is it with me and the most unlikely encounters with the most unlikely people?

Case No. 1:

I received this message on Friendster which is just so strange that I have no guts/don’t know how to answer. This is what it says:

hi audrey….nice to meet u..how r u?? my name is simon, im 19 and i live in subang jaya.im now currently studying at nilai college.i like to meet new frens and i wonder if i can be ur fren?? heheheh;)

Nothing wrong or pervertic about it right? Wait.

Next to his name was this picture of a big-ass bugger posing in front of some touristy monument. I couldn’t tell who it was but I was thinking, “eh? 19 and from subang jaya? issit somebody from SJ or Seafield that I might know of?”

So! To satisfy my curiosity, I clicked onto his Friendster page. And I saw to my surprise that he put his primary school as SR SS19.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is my school if you don’t know!

Hurriedly, I clicked on his photos…….and discovered to my horror that he is none other than PUI SHIO MIN!!!

Rachel, do you remember him??!

The guy who when the bola baling ball flew past him he lifted up his arm 3 seconds later? The one who when he ran the ground shook? The guy who used to terrify the crap out of us in primary school?! Who tried to bully us every chance he could? The one who ran to his mother Puan Pak whenever he’s not satisfied with something? And now he wants to be my friend.

Let me die, just let me die.

But maybe he’s changed. Maybe he doesn’t kick holes thru doors anymore like he used to. Yup. People with good plans as to how to answer this fellow, please! By all means give me something!

Case No. 2:

This is nowhere near as scary, but equally as surreal.

Daddy Ooi was at DHL today helping me to send some stuff off to Mt Holyoke. There he met this mother and daughter duo who were trying to send off some stuff too.

Lo and behold, it turns out that this girl is also going to US. Wellesley College, to be precise (which is the college in Mona Lisa Smile and the school that I secretly want to go to because it is famous).

She seemed very impressed/happy that I was going to Mt Holyoke. Pokoknya it was a good response.

She wanted to contact me probably cos there was someone else other than her going to Massachusetts. She gave Daddy Ooi her email add to pass to me.

Daddy Ooi comes home and conversation at dinner table goes like this.

Daddy Ooi: Eh just now at DHL I met this girl who’s going to Wellesley, etc. etc. (hands over name card). She asked you to email her.

Me: (thinking that I got kaki over there already): Wah, good lar make contacts then if anything can contact her.

Daddy Ooi: Yalah, she’s from Kuching one. And she very smart somore, taking economics/engineering (this part its me that cannot remember what she’s taking, something starting with E). Then her mother ask me what is my daughter going to study there. I cannot answer, just say dunno lar her, my daughter blur blur wan dunno what she wants also.

Me: ……………..

(decides to change subject by scrutinizing the name card, which is her mother’s one. She justwrote her email on it).

Wahh, the mother got PhD wan somore leh.

Daddy Ooi: Yalah, but she’s not working one, you know. She’s a housewife.

(silence as we contemplate this)

Mummy Ooi: Eh, don’t tell me she’s the girl who got 16 A’s in her SPM wan ar?

Me: (skeptically) Are you sure? I thought that girl is from KL wan?

Mummy Ooi: Yalah, KL lar. Kuen Cheng girl what.

Me: (still not getting it) Oh you mean, she came from Kuching to study at Kuen…ohhhhh.

(collapes against the wall)

Of all people to meet! The genius person that Hsin’s grandma couldn’t decide was a girl or boy! The first person in Malaysian history to score 16 A’s in SPM! This is so surreal! But I shall not say any more. After all, this person might turn out to be my new best friend in US. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AudRubbish AudShopping

Gian-ness

Wow!! TWICE IN A DAY! The spirit of blogging is overtaking me…

I SUDDENLY WANT A LOT OF BAGS.

And I feel like bidding for them on ebay. Wtf?!

It’s 2.55 am and here I am, looking at bags online.

WARNING: This entry might make reader start drooling uncontrollably and lose all sense of time.


::First up, my fav! The Dior Girly bag. Check out the white butterflies! And the pink D’s! And the diamante Dior at the side::

::And look! It comes with a matching shoe too! To tell the truth, the cutting of the shoe is not that great. But imagine if you were to wear it to gym! Gayanya! I think they would evacuate the gym for you::


::Louis Vuitton Le Fabuleux. This is just so elegant::


::Louis Vuitton Papillon. I like the round shape. But after seeing all the other nicer pinker stuff, this seems a tad gaudy. ::


::And this. *breathes sigh of awe* This is a work of art. Check out the heel. I would never wear this. It belongs in a display cabinet::


::Louis Vuitton Pink Leonor. This and the pink Speedy bag are competition for the Dior one. Just look at the satin man!::

::Louis Vuitton Pink Speedy. Beautiful.::

Who cares if some of them have been around for some time already. Beauty is eternal.

And everybody needs to enjoy it! Louis Vuitton should thank me for all the publicity I’m giving them. One day, he will stumble upon this site and say, “Bonjour, what’s this? A site with pictures of my weetle baggies!”

And he will then click on ‘Contact Me’ at the side to thank me for my fanship. And I will tell him how much effort I put in to put these pics on my site because I kept offing the browser accidentally.

And then he will be so terharu that he will send me every single LV bag that he has ever made (women’s range of cos) and fly here to meet me and sign an autograph.

Then he will realize how adorable I am and how much I’m prettier than Andrea Fonseka, and say, “J’adore Mademoiselle Audrey! Voulez vous marry me?”

ANd of cos I will and become Mrs Louis Vuitton, and make friends with Giorgio Armani and Alexander McQueen and Gisele and I will live happily every after.

If that doesn’t work, I’ve got a damn good plan.
#1: Go to Petaling Street.
#2: Go undercover. Wear shades (even at nite) and a cap. Make sure noone recognises you.
#3: Sneak up to the Dior/LV stall and buy whatever it is you’ve been eyeing. Do this as fast as possible to minimise risk of being seen.

#4: Bring bag around casually one day and when people ask, say you stopped by in Singapore during the weekend and got it.

This plan will be a secret among Audree blogreaders only. SsHhh!!

I’m going to do it. And then I’ll bring it to US and show off.

AudAngry AudRubbish

Fat Girl in the Rain, tra la la la la….

I’m sure everyone knows who Miss Malaysia is right?

I opened the papers this afternoon and saw a gigantic photo of her in a bikini.



I wanted to cover my face and weep.

Did you see her thunder thighs? The lapisan berminyak at her waist? Everybody in my family is very disgusted by it.

I really don’t understand how she managed to win Miss Malaysia. Which part of her qualifies as a Miss Malaysia? Her thighs? Her ass? Fine, you have to admit that she is quite pretty. But is she beauty queen standard? NO. I heard that Miss Penang was actually the favorite to win, winning 5 of those titles like Ms Photogenic, Ms Body Beautiful, etc.

But! On the final day, Andrea Fonseka was the one who walked off with the main title. So why does this happen? Hmm, this reeks of a conspiracy. Daddy Ooi and Leslie Cheung auntie’s theory is that she got the title because her mother who was Miss Malaysia last time probably has connections and therefore pulled strings to get her chubby daughter to win.

What’s that, you say? Maybe she won because she’s very articulate and could answer the questions really well? Yes, that may be so, but that is not the only criteria to win Miss Malaysia! I also can answer questions what and I can speak English properly! Does that mean I should win Miss Malaysia? NO. (But my waist and ass is nicer, not to mention my boobs like that also I have more cleavage than her! So hmm, maybe I should). If she is so smart, let her go and join Mensa and show off her IQ and speech there la!

This is a disgrace! How can they ask her to represent Malaysia? The papers stated before that she used to have low self esteem about her looks as a teenager. So? Is that why her mother made her get Miss Malaysia so she can feel she’s the most beautiful woman in Malaysia? What a crap reason. I had low self esteem too, as did every other teenage girl in the world!

Her body shape is like a tree trunk. A 100 year old oak tree trunk. She has no waist for god’s sake! Oh I just caught the repeat of Miss Universe on Star World. She didn’t even make it past the first cut. Btw, Australia won for those who are interested.

Quotes from the truthful Ooi family:

Daddy Ooi: Eh Audrey! Her stomach is bigger than yours! (gets zapped with a laser stare from Aud)

Daddy Ooi (while watching Ms Universe): “Toh pui poh boh thaan liao” (translation: the fat woman didn’t get in). And…
“You notice ar all the skinny ones are from first world countries, and the fat one is from the Third
World country! Why, too much lactogen ar?”

Aud: “I think if she gets Miss Universe ar, the newspapers wanna print her photo also have to make it double spread.”

Daddy Ooi: “Ya, and that’s only to cover her face.”

AudVanity

Stupid entry

Everyone likes Puss-in-Boots. Me, I like Pinocchio, man!!

Reasons why I like Pinocchio:

#1: His voice turns me on:P

#2: He’ll be the next Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 4

#3: He’s into kinky underwear

#4: He can’t tell lies! Very important quality in men

#5: Pokoknya, he’s damn stupid lar.. and I have a thing for dumbasses…look at all my exes! Kidding kidding! Ohmigod I shall be killed for this.

But he doesn’t have Puss-in-Boots’ eyes.

Oh well, looks aren’t everything. Haha look who’s talking.

Let’s all celebrate the rebirth of Jia Min’s car window!! After an unfortunate encounter with Lai Zhun Yein’s itchy fingers, it has been miraculously restored not by JMin, Kah Leong, Audrey or any of the Chung family, but by a heroic SS19 mechanic! Huzzah!

After a long, long, loooong time of not seeing them, I saw Malcolm, Cheryl, Mun Joon and Sanjay today. Malcolm still didn’t give me my 80 bucks back! But since he was kind enough to come and fetch me instead of letting me stay at home and rot, I will shut up about it for today. And the first thing he said when I got into the car was:

“You said you got bad hair day!” (as though I’m supposed to have a neon sign “WARNING: BAD HAIR ALERT” pointing to my head)

“Yalah, bad hair what!”

“It looks the same!”

“Yalah, that’s why it’s bad!”

Some people just don’t get it.

The thing I cannot tahan is everyone is cutting fringe! Why is everyone trying to pan cute? I am the original cute one! Stop infringing onto my territory:P This is why I need a haircut so badly. Either I start growing my fringe so I won’t look like everyone or I’ll make my fringe even cuter!

PS. Sanjay is selling SmartTag. HAHahahah!! Anyone who wants to buy it for a cheaper price, pleaSe contact me for his number:)

PPS. Malcolm broke his back. I promise you if you need to go for operation (choi!) I will come and visit you with fruits. And if the operation goes wrong (even more choi!) I will definitely attend your memorial service.

PPPS. I saw a pink Roxy jacket which is so damn adorable but costs 200+. Whoever didn’t buy me a birthday present and feels guilty about it, please contribute any amount to the Buy Audrey A Jacket Fund! Thanks.

AudRubbish

Negaraku

I just discovered something amazing!

If anyone is using a laptop, do this. Hold the top of the laptop screen and yank it down. If person at laptop is intently staring at the screen, he will jerk head downwards in attempt to keep up with the screen! I am telling the truth!

Boys and girls, please try this at home (unless your dad happens to be an alcoholic grump who will beat the shite out of you).

**************************

Is it strange to want to stick stamps on the lefthand side of the envelope ar? The right side got no space what!

Instead, I kena laughed at and received a suggestion to put the stamps behind the envelope or worse still, put the stamps inside the envelope. Some more, you know those Mr Men characters? Like Mr Happy, Mr Angry etc?

The person said I should be Mr Wrong!

First of all I am not even a Mr! I am a female!

If I should be anything, it should be Miss Malaysia.:D

PKM! Brother Ooi stole my eyebrow tweezer and used it for God-knows-what! URRGGHH!! I don’t dare to use it again. Is anybody kind enough to buy me a new tweezer… or better still buy him a tweezer and some wax while you’re at it. He seems quite disturbed over his growing leg hair.

Regarding past entries, I have decided strongly that I am not vain. Vain is a person whose best friend is the mirror. I am not like that…. hor? Right? I am just particular about my looks. Because looks gives you the all-important first impression of someone, whether they’re likable or not. Not counting bitchy faces lar.

Oh, and if anyone has noticed that my English today is not so up to standard as normal, then good!

I have decided to use Malaysian English is my blog from now on.

Reason? I just received a DHL package from my uni today..a whole bunch of forms lar, nothing interesting. But then it occured to me that in the next 4 years, I shall probably get BRAINWASHED by all those ang mohs and *gasp* turn into a kwai mui myself! Okay lar maybe I’m overreacting, but I will still definitely miss Malaysian uniqueness. Therefore, I shall say as many lahs as I can before September. Byebye ESL!! *boots Perfect English into ionosphere*

Top 7 things I will miss about Malaysia:

#1: saying “lah”, “malou”, broken English, etc. Duh, this is like the most obvious one.

#2: saying Pukima!!

#3: Malaysian food: laksa in Penang, roti canai near Holiday Villa, kai fan at Success, pan mee at Tijuana, koay teow th’ng at Mee Yoke, nasi lemak at the dirty mamak down the road frm Mee Yoke, sambal, limau ais, soba (eh?)

#4: Malaysian weather, most of all. I know me being Ms Pah-pai, I’ll be the first one to complain about our temperature, but please! Remember that in winter, temperature over there reaches 0 degrees Fahrenheit! Sorry lah, but I don’t think I be setting foot in class during winter.

#5: Sungei Wang!! All the beautiful Jap fashion clothes will pass me by… Goddammit, I shall be relegated to children’s boutiques. I’ll be forced to buy, say a pair of jeans and snip out the embroidery of Goofy on the back pocket.

#6: hair dye meant for Asian hair:( The close friends (especially those that had to dye my hair in sufferable conditions) will know that my hair does NOT take hair dye for some reason. Apply the dye and it disappears. I swear! The only reason my hair is so damn ‘kam’ now is cos I dyed it a gazillion times already. Macam mana pulak itu hairdye yang dibuat bagi orang putih. How I’m going to redo my hair while I’m over there is still a big problem. Who has a good idea, please raise your right hand! And then use it to click on the tagboard and tell me.

#7: Most of all, the people here la! Family, friends, the Indian ah pek who sells papers outside Shell in 19… *sob sob* make sure you all keep in touch I tell you! If not you get a box from me.

Top 3 things I will not miss about Malaysia:

#1: poisonous-smelling and radioactive public toilets. And having to pay 20 cents for use of smelly toilets. And another 30 cents for tissue paper when you’re plain out of it but you feel you HAVE to because your bowels are just about to implode.

#2: bangalas and scary Malay buggers that give you the hamsap stare when you walk past them wearing tshirt and jeans. *vomits blood*

#3: Malaysian Censorship Board. Screw you la! Brady Bunch movie also want to censor! Siao lang. Haha porn here I come! Kidding!

AudVanity

Mug Shot

Obsession with hair has not died. In fact, it seems to have gotten worse.

While others were queue-ing up to buy tickets for Shrek (which btw, we did not get to watch thanks to overflow of hormonally-charged teens in Pyramid today), me and Min ran over to Kimarie aka GDO and carried out a nice long conversation with the people there about the 25% discount for haircuts that they’re having for the time being. And hair-obsessed and easily convinced people that we are, we almost wanted to cut out hair there and then. But willpower and fear – that we might end up looking like retards being so hasty – pulled us back.

Because as you all know, getting a bad cut is like going to hell and back. I feel sad everytime I look in the mirror, I wash my hair 23 times a day to make it grow faster, I put gel or whatever on my hair in a pathetic attempt to look better and I don’t feel like going out of the house until it grows. And most of all, you know that my haircut is not reflecting my true self as a pretty girl! (For me, anyway:P)

I’m kidding. The last thing I feel is pretty.

When I look in the mirror, I see this:

Maybe the reason why I keep feeling I wanna go shopping kau kau and buy makeup and earrings and new tops and shoes and that Dior bag, plus get a hair makeover and always doing my nails is cos I’m feeling depressed and low about myself. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe its just me mengada-ing, I dunno. So to make myself feel better, I either surround myself with a lot of people or dress myself up. And since its not possible to kacau people all the time, retail therapy is what I go for.

The best way for me to feel good is to look good. Yes, this is how shallow I am. And how much image and looks matter to me. But when it comes to others, it doesn’t matter how ugly you are, I will still talk to you and be your friend (unless you’re a biatch la). But for myself, it’s somehow so important that I look good. It’s as though the whole world will end if I don’t have my mascara or have greasy hair. To the point that when I was working, people in the office referred to me as Fashion Queen.

Which is actually quite annoying, as though I have no substance under my hair and clothes. Hmm, do I?

I feel so unfulfilled. 🙁

And I still need new hair to improve my mood!