Funny Fat Her stories

Thank you for the music

Yesterday I had a beeg fight with Fat Her Ooi about, of all things…Kazaa.

He insists that I delete Kazaa.

With a heavy heart, I agreed, due to the fear that the FBI would detect me downloading copyrighted stuff off Kazaa and sue me.

Hehe, sounds quite funny written down, doesn’t it?

I was very irritated. But the risk of that happening while I’m over in the US is there.

So I agreed to delete Kazaa.

Then Fat Her told me to delete ALL MY SONG FILES as well.

This is where I balked.

WHY MUST I DELETE MY MUSIC! I don’t have any movies or videos, all are songs. And not all of them are from Kazaa, some are sent to me by friends while some I downloaded straight from CDs.

Fat Her is paranoid that “what if my roomate doesn’t like me and she will go tattle to the authorities aka the school authorities or Police and they check on me and I lose my scholarship”?
Breathe in, breathe out, Aud.

Me and Fat Her are in the dark about all this legal stuff.

Can the FBI or the record companies track you down even if you delete Kazaa or any other P2P network you might have had? By checking your music files, can they detect whether you got them from Kazaa or from a legitimate CD?

Which is the better way, save all my music files on the comp, or burn everything into CDs?

I don’t really download any English songs anyway. Most of my songs are Chinese or Japanese. Does that decrease my risk of being sued?

Someone give me an answer!!!

Will I be doomed to spend four years without music?


Gone with the Wind

Ruth has left Malaysia and is on her way back to Melbourne. I will miss her so much…. woman, don’t forget about the small thing over here ok!!!

And remember to use your bag!! ANd wear pink underwear.

I am so depressed!!! Yesterday was the last time that I would ever see her again for a year. I won’t see her again until next June when(if?) she comes back again for holidays.

Not only is her leaving proclaiming the fact that I won’t see her again for a looong time but it also reminds me that Grace and Wei Zhen will also be going off soon and I won’t see them for another year or so too. *black cloud over head*

But we shall not talk about depression today as it is the morning and I do not feel as sad as I did last night. How can anyone feel sad in the morning anyway?

We shall talk about random happenings yesterday.

Whole day was spent with Ruth, JMin and Joel, with guest appearances from Hsin, Qi Zhen the Quack, WZ and people from my class in college last year.

It was a day of lies on Audrey’s part. SHall not go on about it as it is too sinful and I feel too guilty.

Bernard from Class in College invited us to join them for some kinda class reunion. We were coming down the escalator and could see Stonegrill on our left (they were eating there) when all 3 of us suddenly changed our minds and ran to the right instead, trying to think what to do next.

We do not get on very well with our classmates. We are too noisy and pan cute for them.

Bernard however, saw us already and called my phone while we were panicking on the right side of the escalator.

We had no choice but to go and sit down with them.

It was torture.

Ruth and JMin left me to do the small-talking while they sat at the side and whispered secrets to each other.

In the end, we were saved by Hsin’s phonecall and pretended we had to go get her from the hairdresser’s and thus ran off.

Whole day was spent taking photos.

QZ the Quack has terrible photography skills.

Day was interrupted by some unforseen circumstances but luckily self got to go out and spend another few more hours with darling Ruth after that.

I apparently have a 13-year old friend (who thinks I’m 13 too).

Let us digress for a minute.

A few weeks ago, I teman-ed Aden to his friend, Sze Jiann’s housewarming party. There was a small kid there who came up to me and stuck out her hand and said, “Hi, I’m Belle“.

To humour a child, I started talking to her and she told me she was 12 etc etc. She complimented me on my hair (“looks just like Hayley Duff’s”…. I was thinking, who on earth is that?!), my pink Guess watch, my Roxy bag, and my bracelet.

Then later on she was talking to another girl there, Sze Ling (this chick was damn cute, with fair fair skin, pink chubby cheeks and a damn nice smile).

They both came up to me and Sze Ling moaned, “She thought I’m 14!” She is actually 18.

I said, “Har?” (turns to Belle) “How old do u think I am then?”


I tried not to faint.

Anyway, yesterday Belle saw me outside QBar and waved to me most energetically. Everyone, including me was wondering who was that when it dawned on me.

What is a 13-yr old girl doing outside QBar at 10 – 11 pm?! She should be in bed! Asleep! Or at least studying her Sejarah!

 Oh, this makes me feel so inadequate.


Sleep early

Random Signs that You’re Having A Bad Day and that You Should Go to Bed Early:

1. Your teacher’s car rolls over your foot while you’re standing at the side of the road waiting for your mum.

2. You’re cycling as fast as you can to avoid the rabid-looking dog chasing after you and don’t see the tree right in front of you and get smacked in the face by a branch.

3. Your toothpaste falls off your toothbrush before you get to brush your teeth.

4. Your lip swells up for no reason at all! You didn’t even eat any ajinomoto.

5. You discover you have a pimple on your ass.

I was bored.


Change the World

Sorry, NOT in a good mood now.

I’m irritated at almost all of my best friends, for god knows what reason. Bear with me, it must be because I forgot to take my hormone pills last night.

And dammit! My comp seems to have lost its sound! Aku tak dapat dengar itu lagu lagi!

Lately I’ve been having this feeling that’s nagging me. There are quite a few people who pass judgement on me before they even get to know me properly.

I know that as a person, I am shallow, don’t think real hard about most things, including heavy issues like I dunno, war or Canny Ong’s murder, obsessed with my appearance and probably swear too much and make too many sick jokes.

I know that some people say I’ve changed at lot. Maybe I have. But do you have a right to complain about me changing as a person? Who is to say that as a human being on this world, you will stay stagnant while your surrounding twist and evolve? That you will remain forever the same while everything around you changes?

Last year, there was this guy in my class in college, who told me that I had changed a lot since I was twelve.

Lets call him No Nuts.

He went on to say that I should not have changed, because it is as though I don’t like my old self and strived to turn into a new person.

I seriously felt like laughing and spitting into his face.

Points to consider:

1. No Nuts has only known me last year, has not known me when I was twelve, nor anytime before that or after….only known me at age 18.

2. Can you please name a person who has not changed the slightest bit from age 12 to age 18?

3. He said that I should have stayed like how I was in my IC picture… which was me with bangs across my forehead, giant red specs and buck teeth. Now I still have bangs across my forehead, but no specs and orthodontically corrected teeth. He said I shouldn’t have “made myself become so pretty” because “now when guys go after me, I dunno whether they like me for me or for my looks”.

Wtf?! Do you expect me not to change at all thruout my teenage years? To not even get braces for my teeth that are fcuking crooked?! So I should stay looking that way so I will know who is sincere towards me and who is not, huh?

What a fantastic idea! And now, when my first boss hires me for my first real job, I WILL KNOW TOO THAT HE IS SINCERE TOWARDS ME!

My boss hired me even though I look like a pig’s behind, BECAUSE HE IS SINCERE.

I don’t care how sincere my boss is! All I care is if he will be a fair and professional boss and not make my working life a hell!

Studies have shown that first impression is something that counts a lot in everyday life. It is proven that better-looking people have an unfair advantage as in they are given more and better opportunities than their less-goodlooking counterparts. So why then, pray tell me, shouldn’t I want to present a good first impression for people?

PLUS I am not making myself look good so I can “attract more guys”. PLEASE! Am I an idiot who thinks that just because a lot of people are attracted to someone, that person will have a happier existence, lose less hair and have better sex overall?

(Come to think of it, yes, he/she might get more, if not better, sex due to the hordes of groupies wanting a piece of their ass).

Go and die, that is not my goal.

I am doing this for my own self-worth and esteem. So whoever that thinks this bimbo-ism is due to a wish to be popular, go fuck yourself.

Another person has also said stuff to me about myself changing that makes me want to strangle him even more than No Nuts, if that’s possible.

Let’s call him Hernia.

In the long, long ago past, Hernia has always complained that I am not popular enough, am too short, only associate with nerds, never yell at people who have wronged me, have bad dress sense and even the scrunchies I wear to school are not nice enough.

These days, Hernia is saying that I know too many people that are too cool for words and for me, snap at him too easily, yells at me for going clubbing and interrogates me over every other guy I know because I think he wants to imply that I am a slut.

You made me into what I am today. Well, you did most of it anyway. You were the one who drilled it into my head that looks are one of the most important things. You screwing me over every small thing I did made me less intolerable of people fcuking me up. But on the good side, you gave me the confidence to dress up and be pretty.

I am not blaming you for the hand you took in making me different from what I was. I was always obsessed with looks, its just that its manifested itself stonger now. You were in my life for a reason, maybe it was for that, maybe it was to make me stronger and better equipped to fight with people. I don’t blame you for that.

I blame you for blaming me because I changed. You did that. Don’t forget it.

As for people who look down on me because I am shallow or bimbo-istic, too bad. If you are too blind or self-absorbed to not notice things other than my bimbo-ism, then noone can help you.

I love being a bimbo, and applying makeup (it feels like art!) and irritating people by asking them if my mascara ran. I don’t deny it; that is a part of me.

But please let me tell you that I probably read more books than you in your entire life, have a wider vocab (though my blog might not show it), don’t own more than 3 books of chick lit, got 90 plus for my TER, worry about beggars a lot, and ran into the rain to save my best fren, wtithout a thought to my makeup!:P

Besides being what you might call a bimbo, I am also what you might also call a geek (I refuse to say nerd due to certain associations with the word).

If you don’t know me, shut up.

Change the World


Nightmare on Jalan Tujuan

I seem to be having lotsa weird dreams during my afternoon naps these days.

WHY?! Is it that God is punishing me for not being human enough and being too piglike for sleeping too much? Or have I been eating beans or some food that induces nightmares?

Okay, today’s nightmare was this… I dreamt that my phone broke into half!

This is what my phone looks like. But maybe not so shiny and clean.

And I dreamt it broke into two: like this!

Goodness! I felt like crying in my dream. I think in real life, I must have been squirming on the bed with the eyelids fluttering ferociously and sweating.

Then it got worse. I dreamt that Daddy Ooi told me he didn’t have enough money to send me to US after all!

I started snivelling and snot dripped out of my nose as I asked to see our savings account. But no, Daddy Ooi wouldn’t show them to me and insisted we were broke so I had to study Form 6!!

Luckily I woke up and realized its nothing but a dream.

That is not the worst dream.

A few afternoons ago, I had this surreal dream, no, nightmare about none other than Chung Jia Min! (Don’t step on me, please)


It was terrible. We were in some hotel lobby with brown marble decor (We means almost everyone I know, but I only specifically remember Min, Hsin, Ruth, Wei Zhen, Rabin and I think Darren -but Darren only vaguely).

So anyway, there’s these 2 girls who were with our group who nobody likes and a bit scared of since they were so darn freaky.

I don’t know who are these 2 people lar, they are a figment of my imagination and I am also not sure why everyone is scared of them because I remember they had short Jap-like ponytails and looked quite cute and sweet. Oh ya, also it was implied in my dreams that they were like into satanism or something and also lesbian. Let’s call them Weird Gals.

And then, all of a sudden, Jia Min disappeared with those two to god knows where. I was terrified out of my mind, I dunno why! All I know was those two gals were bad news and I didn’t know what they were going to do with her. And she seemed to be very good frens with them suddenly and willingly went off with them.

I remember the emotion I felt at that time… stark white fear.

So Ruth and Hsin started comforting me, saying things like don’t worry, I am sure she is fine and she will come back soon etc.

Then I went into the hotel toilet. The toilet is like any other. When I enter it, the cubicles are on my left and the sinks are on my right. There are 3 cubicles.

The first cubicle door is closed. So I move further down the row.

Somehow I pass the 2nd one without seeing anything.

The 3rd cubicle door is open. Noone is inside, but on the toilet seat, there’s a crumpled pair of blue jeans, as though someone stood on top of the toilet bowl and dropped her pants there and then.


I gostan to the 2nd cubicle. The door is open too.

Inside, I see…… CHUNG JIA MIN sitting on the toilet bowl, while Weird Gal #1 stands with her naked ass facing the cubicle door, nonchalantly taking toilet paper from the roll. Chung Jia Min seems stoned.

With horror, I reverse even more. Now I’m standing in front of the 1st cubicle. Either I push its door open or the door opens by itself, and I see Weird Gal #2 also sitting on the toilet bowl…….


I realised that all the cubicles had peepholes drilled into their walls for people to look in/look out.

That disgusted and horrified me even more and I ran out of the toilet, without a sound, maybe I was scared that the Weird Gals would catch me and make me join them too.

I woke up traumatised and sweaty.


So long, farewell, auf wiederschein goodbye

Guess where I’m blogging from???


After dunno how many days, I finally managed to set it up with the all-important help of Chow Pak Lun. Thank you sir!! Will get you Ribena when Mummy Ooi buys it.

The reason I haven’t blogged in so many days is because Daddy Ooi’s fcuked up laptop is getting sicker and sicker PLUS my streamyx has been down. But surprise, surprise! It decided to work fine tonight. So here I am.

Okay, let’s recap what happened the past few days (which has been a lot) since the Hair Revamp of Thursday.

Since Thursday, the Jia Min has had a humongous fight with Qi Zhen the Quack and sad to say, they have broken up over the stupidest reason possible. I will not divulge further information but I will just say that I think she made the best decision for herself, and possibly for him too. It may not be the easiest decision to make (in fact, it is fcuking difficult to do it when the person that you’re breaking up with happens to be your First Love – if it were me I would not be able to do it, honestly)



It has been a very trying past few days for her (of course the bf must be half-dead by now) and she is damn strong!! Don’t worry woman, you have everyone’s support and love! And like I said, you have your boyfriend-less, uni-less, lifeless best friend here to teman you 24/7! *muaks and hugs*

Friday, July 2 2004:

Ooh, surprise farewell dinner for me by Ruth!!!

This is the sweetest thing that anyone could ever do for me!! Next to planning my surprise birthday party, of course:P *dabs at tears* She planned it cos she would be going back to Melbourne soon and wanted to do something for me before she left!! I cannot believe it…you are so sweet Ruth!!! *smothers Ruth with kisses*

I never expected it! Min called me up in the evening and told me we’re going out to dinner.


Then she told me to dress up because we were going to a nice place.


She told me that she’d already informed Mummy Ooi that I was going out.


I never assumed that this would be a surprise thing for me!

Until I got into the car and they wouldn’t tell me where they were going.

So anyway, the thing consisted of:

Master Mind: Miss Ruth Gong Huai Lan

Sneaky #1: Miss Chung Jia Min who sneakily called up Fat Her Ooi on it

Sneaky #2: Miss Tan Hsin-Ee who sneakily pretended she didn’t know where we were going too

Getaway Driver: Mr Joel Low Jia Liang who threatened to sell me off or kill me

We went to Oishii (is that how you spell it? Anyway I know it means delicious, so there! When I was in Japan I had to keep announcing that everything I ate was oishii to not hurt people’s feelings) in Midvalley.

Nihon go no Buffet!!! Need I say more?

But of course, our delicious dinner had to be disrupted by Qi Zhen the Quack, who dragged the Pak Lun plus a bouquet of pink lilies (PINK!) to MV and waited there for Jia Min.

Naturally, Audrey the Amiable was called down to act as a middle person. And of course I dragged down with me Ruth the Ravenous and Hsin the Hungry, who told them to come back later cos they were having a farewell dinner for me.

Then we went upstairs and continued dining on sashimi etc. Then! The happy dinner was disrupted once more by QZ the Quack who called Min and told her he left the lilies at the counter for her. So of course, she’d rather not and went downstairs followed by me again.

Then she and QZ had a nice fight outside Oishii while me and PL stood behind the pillar and pretended they were not fighting.

Then Ruth and Hsin also came downstairs, wondering why on earth were we taking so long. On seeing the two of them fighting, they also decided to pretend everything was fine and started making small talk with us behind the pillar.

Then, Audrey decided that enough is enough, it is already 9.40 pm, the buffet is closing at 10.30 pm and she hasn’t eaten enough sashimi yet! So she goes back in to continue eating and Min comes in 2 minutes later.

Thanks to the Quack, I didn’t get to eat as much as I want, much to my annoyance.

Thanks to the Quack, I didn’t get to eat dessert!

Thanks to the Quack, they switched off the aircon while we were still eating!

Thanks to the Quack, after dinner, we had to rush down to Rafi’s in SS15 for Min to “berbincang with him”.

So off we went. And when we reached there, the Jia Min was lured into the car by the Quack who refused to get down and discuss things at the mamak table.

So the night was then spent this way: me, Ruth, Joel and Hsin in Joel’s car waiting for them, and Min, QZ and PL in QZ’s car discussing things out.

In the end, the break is final, with Min climbing back into our car to a lot of hugs and bitching.

And I am exhausted from typing out this long entry.

AudSocialButterfly AudVanity

Paper, SCISSORS, Stone


Today was the day the 3 champions plus one supporter totally changed their hairstyles and also the day when Kimarie sucked blood from us.

Ruth and Jia Min look so gorgeous!! *weeps into hankie* Of course, these friends of Audrey Ooi have always been pretty (if not I won’t friend them… joking!!) but now…. Va-va-voom!!!

(Hsin, we’re waiting for you to kumpul enough cash for hair revamping as well:P)

And this is the proof to their beeyootifulness:

First up, we have Chung Jia Min.

::This is the before pic. SMiling, but the crazed look in her eyes asks for… a new look!::

::This is the process. Note the grimace on her face and the glee on Kimiarie man’s as he scrubs colour into her locks::

::And tah-dah!!! A sight to behold!!::

And then we have Ruth Gong Huai Lan!

::This is the before photo. She looks into the camera and thinks, hmm.. I wonder how much money I have in my ATM after the hair revamp.::

::This is the look of terror on Ruth’s face, I don’t know why. Is Hsin going to smack her with the camera?::

::And voila!! Hot chicky mama unleashed!::

I have decided not to post up any photos of me, because as my MSN nick proclaims, Audrey’s fringe looks retarded.

I got the shock of my life when John Tang took away his scissors to reveal to me….and idiot fringe! It ends at my eyebrows! I now look like Jolin Tsai gone wrong.

Therefore, everybody shall stick to the image of Audrey with fringe that reached BELOW her eyebrows. There shall be no proof of Aud the Down Syndrome.

Oh all right, to satisfy you and myself, here’s a pic of me in the process. Mind you that’s before the fringe got snipped to idiot level.

::Me looking sweet, with a IQ above 50::


crackle crackle

Funny incident of the day:

The conversation between Dr Jeya and the call operator from Gribbles (a medical lab, methinks).

**Dr Evil is henceforth known by his real name, Dr Jeya, since he didn’t stab me today.


Me, Mummy Ooi and Dr Jeya in his office. My medical health report asks for something called HGB or HCT and even the good doctor doesn’t know what it is. So he calls up Gribbles.

Dr Jeya: “Hello, good morning, this is Dr Jeya. I just want to ask what HGB and HCT stand for.” (pause)

(long pause)

(hangs up phone with hangdog look on face)

“SITI!!! Dail itu Gribbles sekali lagi!”

(Siti the nurse quickly gets Gribbles back on the line)

“Hello, who’s this? Sophie eh? Sophie, how many operators are working now? Your colleague put me on hold and sent me to the devil’s workshop! (god knows what that means) You know the devil’s workshop? She put me on hold so long until I had to hang up! Let me speak to your manager! Yes, ok..”

(long pause)

(hangs up phone with even grimmer look on face)

“SITI!!! Dail lagi!”

(Poor Siti dials again and Dr Jeya snatches up his extension)

“WHO’S THIS?! Bawani, is it?! Let me speak to your GM! I’ve been put on hold twice already by your people! Get me your GM!

“What’s that? Your GM is busy? He’s always busy! Tell him to call Dr Jeya back or I will call Gribbles Australia and complain! And I will charge the expense to you! How do you all do things? The idiot at the phone is sleeping and has no manners! Burn his bloody backside!

“Give me your GM’s name. ……Mr Mamo Mamo is it? Right, you tell him to call me back in 10 minutes or I will personally call up Gribbles Australia. I don’t care how bloody busy he is, he’ll call me back in 10 minutes. Burn his bloody backside!”

(hangs up full of fire)

HAhahahAHAHahahAHhAHh!!!!!! That’s a first!


Need fo Speed

Yeah man!! I am using Photobucket!!! This, btw is a long lost photo of all us girls at Min’s SOuled Out thingy…minus the presence of Meow Fong who was waiting to people to take a crap.

Let me post more pics. This is so fun!

::This is Fat Her Ooi trying to shower outside the Holiday Villa pool. I promised stupid pics remember??::

::This is Fat Her Ooi 2 seconds after talking on the phone like a trishaw man. He saw Daughter Ooi with the camera and hurriedly hung up::

Guys in a bad mood drive in a terrible maniac way. I have discovered that through experiences of many of them who are angry and still drive. (this is not counting those who like to show off and drive fast all the time and cause people to get nosebleed. But that’s another issue).

On Friday I got the lovely opportunity of riding in a car driven by a Hell Driver.

Qi Zhen the Quack was pissed at his girlfriend, which is none other than my dear best friend Chung Jia Min, for no good reason. And to pay for his bad mood, poor us had to endure a hair-raising ride back to Subang all the way from Midvalley.

First of all, he inserted his CD into the player which sounded like a guitar riff that went on forever and ever.

Then he screeched his way out of the parking lot.

And onto the Federal.

Then he started cussing the number of cars on the road because he couldn’t cuss at the girlfriend.

Thanks to my lack of inertia, I started swinging around the backseat of the car.

It was time I put on my seatbelt. In the backseat.

Now let me tell you this. I NEVER put on my seatbelt even in the front. I hate seatbelts with a passion. They ruin my curls, flatten my boobs and choke me on the neck. If I have to wear a seatbelt, I usually strap it on then put my head under the belt that goes over your chest so I’m lying back on it instead.

But this time thanks to the terrorist, I was extremely grateful for the invention of the seatbelt.

I started marvelling at the cleverness of it, that when the car brakes and you jert in front, the belt tightens up and makes you stay still. But when you jerk the belt in front yourself, it just goes out without stopping. Ingenious.

I plan to write a glowing Friendster testimonial for the inventor of the seatbelt.

Anyway, the driving got even worse after that because Qi Zhen the Quack STARTED WEAVING IN AND OUT OF THE LANES. I’m sorry but I do not have much confidence in this person’s driving.

How do I know that maybe he resents my presence there in the car when he could be alone with the girlfriend to talk and maybe make up?

Maybe he is thinking, “Thanks to this fcuked-up small thing in the backseat, I cannot talk to my gf and vent out my frustration. Therefore she deserves to die.”

Then he will swerve the car to the left and brake a little at the same time, to ensure that the person sitting in that particular position will receive maximum force.

And the car behind will smash into this car, and we shall smash into the divider at the side and my brains will smash into the front seat and mission accomplished.

So to prevent this, I started praying.

“Dear Goddess of Mercy, please be like your name and have mercy on me and Jia Min. It is not my fault that we are stuck in this car with this Hell Driver. If an accident happens tonight, please let it occur on the right side of the car, and if someone should die tonight, let it be the driver.”

(repeat 100x with crossing of fingers)

My prayer must have worked because I arrived home safe and sound, if slightly shaky on the legs.

There should be a law against angry driving, as opposed to drunk driving.

PS. I found out later that the CD he played was the soundtrack for a PS game called “Guilty Gear”. Whaddya say?


Panadol mentstrual

*smug look*

All my friends are back!!! And I’m having a blast with them. RUTH, GRACE, WEI ZHEN WELCOME BACK!!!

Not forgetting the presents I’m getting from them. 😛 I got this beeyootiful Roxy clutch bag from Ruth and a equally pretty pink scarf from Grace!

Pictures to be pasted up not anytime soon.

I have to admit it. I’m a failure at posting photos. Ripway always lets me down, Fotopages won’t authorize me and Photobucket says my file names are invalid no matter what.

My enthusiasm for blogging seems to be fading. NO! This can’t be! Audree is my most prized possession!

But thanks to Brother Ooi’s incessant clacking on the computer plus my social life returning to claim me into its depths, the time for blogging has been severely reduced.

I will fight this lethargy! No lazy germ shall claim the daily bloggings of moi! There will be more coming from the fingers of Audrey Ooi.

But not tonight, dear. I’ve got a headache.

*swats hubby’s horny fingers away*