crackle crackle

Funny incident of the day:

The conversation between Dr Jeya and the call operator from Gribbles (a medical lab, methinks).

**Dr Evil is henceforth known by his real name, Dr Jeya, since he didn’t stab me today.


Me, Mummy Ooi and Dr Jeya in his office. My medical health report asks for something called HGB or HCT and even the good doctor doesn’t know what it is. So he calls up Gribbles.

Dr Jeya: “Hello, good morning, this is Dr Jeya. I just want to ask what HGB and HCT stand for.” (pause)

(long pause)

(hangs up phone with hangdog look on face)

“SITI!!! Dail itu Gribbles sekali lagi!”

(Siti the nurse quickly gets Gribbles back on the line)

“Hello, who’s this? Sophie eh? Sophie, how many operators are working now? Your colleague put me on hold and sent me to the devil’s workshop! (god knows what that means) You know the devil’s workshop? She put me on hold so long until I had to hang up! Let me speak to your manager! Yes, ok..”

(long pause)

(hangs up phone with even grimmer look on face)

“SITI!!! Dail lagi!”

(Poor Siti dials again and Dr Jeya snatches up his extension)

“WHO’S THIS?! Bawani, is it?! Let me speak to your GM! I’ve been put on hold twice already by your people! Get me your GM!

“What’s that? Your GM is busy? He’s always busy! Tell him to call Dr Jeya back or I will call Gribbles Australia and complain! And I will charge the expense to you! How do you all do things? The idiot at the phone is sleeping and has no manners! Burn his bloody backside!

“Give me your GM’s name. ……Mr Mamo Mamo is it? Right, you tell him to call me back in 10 minutes or I will personally call up Gribbles Australia. I don’t care how bloody busy he is, he’ll call me back in 10 minutes. Burn his bloody backside!”

(hangs up full of fire)

HAhahahAHAHahahAHhAHh!!!!!! That’s a first!


Need fo Speed

Yeah man!! I am using Photobucket!!! This, btw is a long lost photo of all us girls at Min’s SOuled Out thingy…minus the presence of Meow Fong who was waiting to people to take a crap.

Let me post more pics. This is so fun!

::This is Fat Her Ooi trying to shower outside the Holiday Villa pool. I promised stupid pics remember??::

::This is Fat Her Ooi 2 seconds after talking on the phone like a trishaw man. He saw Daughter Ooi with the camera and hurriedly hung up::

Guys in a bad mood drive in a terrible maniac way. I have discovered that through experiences of many of them who are angry and still drive. (this is not counting those who like to show off and drive fast all the time and cause people to get nosebleed. But that’s another issue).

On Friday I got the lovely opportunity of riding in a car driven by a Hell Driver.

Qi Zhen the Quack was pissed at his girlfriend, which is none other than my dear best friend Chung Jia Min, for no good reason. And to pay for his bad mood, poor us had to endure a hair-raising ride back to Subang all the way from Midvalley.

First of all, he inserted his CD into the player which sounded like a guitar riff that went on forever and ever.

Then he screeched his way out of the parking lot.

And onto the Federal.

Then he started cussing the number of cars on the road because he couldn’t cuss at the girlfriend.

Thanks to my lack of inertia, I started swinging around the backseat of the car.

It was time I put on my seatbelt. In the backseat.

Now let me tell you this. I NEVER put on my seatbelt even in the front. I hate seatbelts with a passion. They ruin my curls, flatten my boobs and choke me on the neck. If I have to wear a seatbelt, I usually strap it on then put my head under the belt that goes over your chest so I’m lying back on it instead.

But this time thanks to the terrorist, I was extremely grateful for the invention of the seatbelt.

I started marvelling at the cleverness of it, that when the car brakes and you jert in front, the belt tightens up and makes you stay still. But when you jerk the belt in front yourself, it just goes out without stopping. Ingenious.

I plan to write a glowing Friendster testimonial for the inventor of the seatbelt.

Anyway, the driving got even worse after that because Qi Zhen the Quack STARTED WEAVING IN AND OUT OF THE LANES. I’m sorry but I do not have much confidence in this person’s driving.

How do I know that maybe he resents my presence there in the car when he could be alone with the girlfriend to talk and maybe make up?

Maybe he is thinking, “Thanks to this fcuked-up small thing in the backseat, I cannot talk to my gf and vent out my frustration. Therefore she deserves to die.”

Then he will swerve the car to the left and brake a little at the same time, to ensure that the person sitting in that particular position will receive maximum force.

And the car behind will smash into this car, and we shall smash into the divider at the side and my brains will smash into the front seat and mission accomplished.

So to prevent this, I started praying.

“Dear Goddess of Mercy, please be like your name and have mercy on me and Jia Min. It is not my fault that we are stuck in this car with this Hell Driver. If an accident happens tonight, please let it occur on the right side of the car, and if someone should die tonight, let it be the driver.”

(repeat 100x with crossing of fingers)

My prayer must have worked because I arrived home safe and sound, if slightly shaky on the legs.

There should be a law against angry driving, as opposed to drunk driving.

PS. I found out later that the CD he played was the soundtrack for a PS game called “Guilty Gear”. Whaddya say?


Panadol mentstrual

*smug look*

All my friends are back!!! And I’m having a blast with them. RUTH, GRACE, WEI ZHEN WELCOME BACK!!!

Not forgetting the presents I’m getting from them. 😛 I got this beeyootiful Roxy clutch bag from Ruth and a equally pretty pink scarf from Grace!

Pictures to be pasted up not anytime soon.

I have to admit it. I’m a failure at posting photos. Ripway always lets me down, Fotopages won’t authorize me and Photobucket says my file names are invalid no matter what.

My enthusiasm for blogging seems to be fading. NO! This can’t be! Audree is my most prized possession!

But thanks to Brother Ooi’s incessant clacking on the computer plus my social life returning to claim me into its depths, the time for blogging has been severely reduced.

I will fight this lethargy! No lazy germ shall claim the daily bloggings of moi! There will be more coming from the fingers of Audrey Ooi.

But not tonight, dear. I’ve got a headache.

*swats hubby’s horny fingers away*




*cue for trumpets to blare*

Actually, it’s no big deal, I have driven there before, that was to pick up my altered 50’s style pink and black dress 😀 But now I feel damn terrer because this time I had to battle the 5.oo pm jam AND I took the NPE highway! So there! I didn’t once get lost! PLUS, now Ruth knows what a wonderful driver I am *nudges Ruth for clarification* Jia Min, on the other hand has already acknowledged my greatness a long time ago:P

We bought lotsa stuff! At first we couldn’t seem to find anything very nice to buy. And I kept looking for that perfect bag/top/skirt to buy that would brighten up my entire existence and make me look like a million yen.

BUT I COULDN’T FIND IT! This was the case of a junkie who had gone for rehabilitation (ie. controlled shopping for a loooong time) and couldn’t find the best drug for the best high.

I kep thinking like some old ah-ee in the market that, “NO! I am sure I can find something fresher than this stale piece of brown and dry looking fish!”

But I digress.

Then! The Ruth and the Jia Min made me buy a purple scarf from Comma just to get the spirit of shopping alive.

It didn’t work. Especially since my favorite shop wouldn’t let me try on tops and Jia Min’s fav shop’s prices had increased like ten-fold.

So we had lunch.

And then the purchases just kept on coming.

All of us bought the exact same bag! But in different colors; mine was light pink, Min’s dark pink and Ruth’s white. Wahaha!! 3 same bags in 3 different continents: Asia, North America and Australia.

Then I also got a white top while Min got 2 pink tops and Ruth got another bag and 2 other tops (issit?). The drug high is still around!

Happiness is retail therapy.

My dream job would be to be a personal shopper ala Becky Bloomwood.

AudDisgusting AudSuay

No More Tears!

The quest for courses continues.

This has been the most traumatic visit to the doctor’s for injections, thus far.

Here comes the evidence:

1. The Hepatitis B shot I took today felt like 24,000,000 ants were all biting into my flesh at the same spot plus a red-hot poker was being jammed into my arm.

2. I screamed the whole place down

3. I ALMOST hit the doctor (henceforth known as Dr Evil.)

4. The medicine wasn’t all injected into me.

5. Meaning that I might have to go for an extra shot if this is not succesful!

6. So Dr Evil grabbed my arm and started rubbing the injected spot most vigourously and excruciatingly.

7. I screamed again.

8. I tried to run away from him. So his grip increased and he rubbed my arm so hard that I could feel his enormous belly moving with the effort.

9. Then he made me sit on his lap while he rubbed my arm.

I AM SO TRAUMATIZED!!! The doctor made me sit on his lap!!!!!! Could things get any worse?!

I don’t think so.

Dr Evil said, “I’ve never seen anyone your age scream so loud.”

Backstabbing Mummy Ooi said, “Yalah, terrible lah!”

Dr Evil said, “Girl, how are you going to deliver next time?”

The victim said, “That’s why I’m not having kids!!!”

Yes, you heard right. I am never having children.

Sorry to disappoint you, Mr and Mrs Ooi. But there is always Brother Ooi to pass on the Ooi genes and name.

Why am I not giving birth? Good question.

1. STRETCH MARKS! This can be a whole answer in its right.

2. Bloating, morning sickness (though I’m very good at throwing up), fat ankles

3. Maternity clothes

4. The pain of labour!

5. The scar after my Caesarean (which I am sure I will definitely undergo, due to my tiny frame and therefore, hips)

6. Screaming babies in the night

7. Screaming babies on the plane when you’re going for holiday

8. Screaming children in restaurants and those who don’t listen to you

9. Screaming teenagers that don’t listen to you


The halfway man

I’m freaking exhausted. I’m in the midst of staring at lists of course information and schedules, trying to synchronize everything to register for my courses, which btw I am extremely late for.

I am sure, seeing that Mount Holyoke seems to be full of extremely efficient over-achievers, all the classes that I want to sign up for will already be full by now.


Orang Melbourne has returned from Melbourne. When he came to pick me up today, it was like he never went off at all. Everything went damn comfortably between us, as though I just didn’t see him for some time but he was in Malaysia all the while. Don’t really know how to explain it. But everything was okay lah.

Let me take that back. Everything went fine until LUNCH. Then I happened to mention a tiny little place called Bangsar, and thar she blows. (Or he, in this case).

I lost my appetite. Especially when he fixed me with The Look (its a mixture of hurt and at the same time as tho taunting me to answer), which is something he always gives me when we fight.

And then, earlier this evening, he SMS-ed me saying that he knows that I went clubbing last week. Then when I called him up demanding an explaination, he said he heard someone say I went to Atmos last week.


Let me clarify things a little. First of all, I am the Geek. I have not been clubbing since New Year’s. And second of all, Audrey the Geek has never stepped into Atmos her entire life! Thirdly, what is it to him whether I go clubbing or not?

I have a boyfriend that is not a boyfriend.

I know I said I wanted a boyfriend but not this kind!

This person does not come with the perks that a boyfriend provides, such as flowers on my birthday or “I love yous” over the phone. Instead, what he gives is:

1. The Look

2. Choking feeling when he gives me The Look

3. Possesiveness

4. Nagging

Why me?! He could be the clone of a certain friend’s bf I know from UK in terms of the above! (I have a theory that it’s in the stars since they were born on the same day). But at least that person has official status! Let me tell you that this one definitely does not.

So why does he still have a hold on me? Why am I extra soft-hearted with him? Why do I get irritated beyond belief whenever we fight? Which is a lot. And always over the same thing.

I feel like strangling him, really I do.



Feel I’m going back to Massachusetts…



Thurs: Went shopping with Cheryl and Hsin for Chung Jia Min’s birthday present AND Daddy Ooi’s Father’s Day Present.

Fri: Went to SJMC to check if I have TB. I DON’T!!!:D Also, went over to Hsin’s place to watch My Sassy Girl (must watch!) again and cried bucketloads again. Also, went to Rack…… AND MET THE EX-BOYFRIEND for the first time after breaking up.

He seemed terrifed to see me. I wonder why:D. So when Her Bitchiness went to look for Malcolm and found The Ex instead, I smiled terribly sweetly and said, “HELLO!!”

He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He just held on to the foosball sticks and looked at me and opened his mouth and closed it then looked away.

I feel a bit bad actually.

But I thought it was quite funny. Rape me with goats and strike me down with lightning.

Saturday: Oh, busy one, this. In the morning, I WOKE UP AT 1030 to have brunch with Hsin, Jill and…. Rachel Ng Ai Mei!!! Haven’t seen her in yonks. Her laugh hasn’t changed though:)

Then, the London Nerd pestered me to get home quick so we could bake a cake for JMin. In the end, it turned out that me and Pak Lun did the most of it. What LN did was chop up half a lemon and wash all the dirty utensils.

Then The Nerd and PL had to quicky rush home while I had to quickly shower and apply the makeup before rushing off to surprise Min like crazy at SOuled Out.


Argh, I don’t know how to use Photobucket and I’ve given up hope on Ripway! Photos to be posted at a later date. For now, satisfy your craving to see my face by visiting Hsin’s blog.

Oh, Tan Jin-Fei wants to be mentioned in my blog. Here goes.

Darren Tan Jin-Fei

Darren Tan Jin-Fei

Darren Tan Jin-Fei

Darren Tan Jin-Fei

Darren Tan Jin-Fei

Eh Darren, if you type your name out in Google, my blog will come out. Try lah!

Sun: Fat Her’s Day! For the occasion, Brother Ooi drove instead of The Daddy so the parents sat at the back like heroes. Went to Holiday Villa and to my embarrasment, the Ooi parents requested the singer at the restaurant to sing “Massachusetts” just because I’m going there soon. For revenge, I took some gloriously cringe-worthy shots of Daddy Ooi which will be published at the earliest moment possible.

AudEmo AudRubbish

Mission: Improbable

Thank you everybody for taking the effort to give me your suggestions. Really appreciate it! *muaks all around*

Unfortunately, it has not helped me to make my decision. This is because everyone suggested totally different things!


Chris – Psychology

Suggestion (obviously this is anonymous- thanks for taking the time to suggest even tho I don’t know you) – Love, Relations, Marriage and Cultural Change

Pei Xuan – Middle Ages

Ruth – Love, Relations, Marriage and Cultural Change

Hsin – Varieties of English Comedy, Psychology

Cheryl – Philosophy

Jia Min – Love, Relations, Marriage and Cultural Change, Philosophy

Jill – Varieties of English Comedy

Hahaha what everyone thinks is totally different!

I can’t make up my mind yet! But many thanks to all of you! Love ya! *smooch*

Love, Relations, Marriage and Cultural Change got the most votes. I know lah, everybody wants me to find Mr Right soon, right? I also want lah!

Fcuk, and I’m going to a WOMEN’S COLLEGE. I might as well join a nunnery (is there such a word?) for the next 4 years. Then when I come out, I’m going to hump the first thing I see with testosterone… tall, short, canine, whatever.


But seriously, I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!! *weeps into hankie*

What brought on this “lam” mood? Firstly, it is PMS. Yep, that time of the month again. Others get moody and bloated; me, I just cry and start the nostagia.

“Won’t you please play a song, a sentimental song, for my sentimental friend over there…” (Violins wail in the distance)

Secondly, yesterday I made the stupid mistake of opening an old love letter (ok lah, not love letter, love email). I was innocently cleaning out my inbox and deleting rubbish like “Osama on Friendster” and “Biggest Tits in the World” when I ter-opened the Letter.

*chin wobbles and eyes tear* It was very sweet. Nagging but sweet. But screw him lah, after we broke up he told me that he didn’t love me as much as he said he did.


This makes me so pissed. Why has noone ever loved me enough to want to stay with me? By the end they’ll tell me “Oh sorry, I fell out of love with you” or “Uh, I think I lost the feel”.


AM I??

I want a good boyfriend. Someone who will love me a lot. Or at least someone who loves me more than I do him.

I want a chance to dump someone cruelly by saying, “Fcuk off, your equipment is not big enough.”

Come on, angel of Heaven! Throw me one of those good ones.

Preferably while I’m at Mt Holyoke.

Not in Malaysia where I’ll have a crying fit at KLIA and he’ll commit suicide by hanging himself and drinking arsenic at the same time.


Kill Audrey Vol. 2

It’s that time of the week again. The time to poke Audrey to death.

This time it was the dreaded TUBERCULIN TEST. Lazy to explain about it again, read my past entries if you forgot.

Anyway, I took the shot at SJMC and it was, as usual, fcuking painful.

I made such a big fuss in the ER that another nurse (in scrubs!) felt obligated to come over and talk to me after that.

Oh, the jab: It felt like the nurse pushed the needle in THEN pressed it in further till the plastic part of it was pressing into my flesh.

What’s worse, after that she took a pen and DREW A CIRCLE AROUND MY INJECTION so she could remember where she poked me.

I’m too lazy to take a picture so I drew one instead:

::This is what my arm looks like now::

Okay, I want everyone’s opinion on this. In Mt Holyoke, I have to take something called a first year seminar, which is just a normal 4-credit course. Every first year student is supposed to take one first year seminar. It involves class discussion, debates, writing papers etc.

And I can’t decide which. Help me out, people! Please post comments or tag on what you feel is the most interesting (also the one which would hopefully require the least amount of work:)

I’ve narrowed it down to these:

1. First Love: Attachment Theory (under Psychology)

2. First-Year Seminar in Philosphy (under Philosphy)

3. Love, Relations, Marriage and Cultural Change (under English)

4. Picturing the Middle Ages (under History)

5. Varieties of English Comedy (under English)

6. First-Year Seminar on Brain/Mind (i think this is under psychology too)

Pleeeease!! Just tell me what you think. Muchas gracias!


It’s a bug’s life

I got the vanity case! *clutches it to self*

Thank you, Chung Jia Min!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

I spent the afternoon arranging all my makeup stuff in its compartments and organising each different cosmetic by its type. I will never be messy with my makeup again!

However, I did make a few surprising discoveries. For example, I have 3 mascaras, 2 eyelash curlers and 4 eyeliners (2 liquid and 2 pencil!). What am I doing with so many?!

Secondly, my Maybelline Lash Discovery Mascara smells.

It is quite disturbing. Luckily it is the worst of the lot, in terms of unsuitability with my eyebags.

But what’s EVEN more disturbing is this:

I spent about half an hour picking bugs out of the rice bin.

It is a disgusting job. But someone has to do it. It is almost as bad as pulling shit out of ikan bilis’ bellies.

The bugs were tiny and thank goodness they couldn’t fly. So even though my arms were perpetually covered in goose bumps, I continued picking them out of the beras.

Step 1: Stir rice, looking for small black specks in the middle of white sea
Step 2: Use fingernails to pick bug out
Step 3: Drop bug on scrap paper (you can use old SPM trial papers)
Step 4: Fold paper on top of bug and squash it to death. If you’re lucky you can hear a crack sound. I think that’s the bug’s back breaking.

After I couldn’t find anymore, me and Brother Ooi set up a system.

Apparently, these bugs lay eggs inside grains of rice. Then as the egg hatches and the baby bug stays inside the grain of rice and slowly eats its way out. So the rice grain will be left hollow after the bug grows up and gets out. Shit I’m getting goosebumps again thinking about it.

Anyway, the system was like this: Brother Ooi picks out rice grains that look greyish, because
the presence of the bug inside gives it a grey hue.

Sister Ooi then, with most macho-ness, uses her nail to crush the rice grain open thus exposing the bug inside. If it doesn’t move, I just drop it on the paper. If it does, I use a pencil to stab it to death.

Brother Ooi’s job requires: super sharp eyesight and nimble fingers

Sister Ooi’s job requires: super sharp nails and lots of guts

Food for thought: If the bugs are inside the rice grains itself, wouldn’t it mean that we would cook the rice and eat it together with the bug inside?


::Rice bug itself::

::That is my hand. Am I macho or am I macho?::

::The murder weapon::

Food for thought: I actually saw the birth of a rice bug.

Brother Ooi handed me the rice grain. When I took a closer look, I saw a small hole in it and a rice bug trying to climb out. It’s head and four of its legs were out and it was struggling quite badly. We studied its efforts for some time.

Then Hero Audrey decided to give it a Caesarean. I crushed the rice with my nail and out fell the bug, in a tizzy trying to crawl away as fast as it could.

It did not seem to be grateful at all for the Caesarean I gave it.

I did not like its attitude.

Therefore I stabbed it to death with the pencil.