I just discovered something amazing!

If anyone is using a laptop, do this. Hold the top of the laptop screen and yank it down. If person at laptop is intently staring at the screen, he will jerk head downwards in attempt to keep up with the screen! I am telling the truth!

Boys and girls, please try this at home (unless your dad happens to be an alcoholic grump who will beat the shite out of you).


Is it strange to want to stick stamps on the lefthand side of the envelope ar? The right side got no space what!

Instead, I kena laughed at and received a suggestion to put the stamps behind the envelope or worse still, put the stamps inside the envelope. Some more, you know those Mr Men characters? Like Mr Happy, Mr Angry etc?

The person said I should be Mr Wrong!

First of all I am not even a Mr! I am a female!

If I should be anything, it should be Miss Malaysia.:D

PKM! Brother Ooi stole my eyebrow tweezer and used it for God-knows-what! URRGGHH!! I don’t dare to use it again. Is anybody kind enough to buy me a new tweezer… or better still buy him a tweezer and some wax while you’re at it. He seems quite disturbed over his growing leg hair.

Regarding past entries, I have decided strongly that I am not vain. Vain is a person whose best friend is the mirror. I am not like that…. hor? Right? I am just particular about my looks. Because looks gives you the all-important first impression of someone, whether they’re likable or not. Not counting bitchy faces lar.

Oh, and if anyone has noticed that my English today is not so up to standard as normal, then good!

I have decided to use Malaysian English is my blog from now on.

Reason? I just received a DHL package from my uni today..a whole bunch of forms lar, nothing interesting. But then it occured to me that in the next 4 years, I shall probably get BRAINWASHED by all those ang mohs and *gasp* turn into a kwai mui myself! Okay lar maybe I’m overreacting, but I will still definitely miss Malaysian uniqueness. Therefore, I shall say as many lahs as I can before September. Byebye ESL!! *boots Perfect English into ionosphere*

Top 7 things I will miss about Malaysia:

#1: saying “lah”, “malou”, broken English, etc. Duh, this is like the most obvious one.

#2: saying Pukima!!

#3: Malaysian food: laksa in Penang, roti canai near Holiday Villa, kai fan at Success, pan mee at Tijuana, koay teow th’ng at Mee Yoke, nasi lemak at the dirty mamak down the road frm Mee Yoke, sambal, limau ais, soba (eh?)

#4: Malaysian weather, most of all. I know me being Ms Pah-pai, I’ll be the first one to complain about our temperature, but please! Remember that in winter, temperature over there reaches 0 degrees Fahrenheit! Sorry lah, but I don’t think I be setting foot in class during winter.

#5: Sungei Wang!! All the beautiful Jap fashion clothes will pass me by… Goddammit, I shall be relegated to children’s boutiques. I’ll be forced to buy, say a pair of jeans and snip out the embroidery of Goofy on the back pocket.

#6: hair dye meant for Asian hair:( The close friends (especially those that had to dye my hair in sufferable conditions) will know that my hair does NOT take hair dye for some reason. Apply the dye and it disappears. I swear! The only reason my hair is so damn ‘kam’ now is cos I dyed it a gazillion times already. Macam mana pulak itu hairdye yang dibuat bagi orang putih. How I’m going to redo my hair while I’m over there is still a big problem. Who has a good idea, please raise your right hand! And then use it to click on the tagboard and tell me.

#7: Most of all, the people here la! Family, friends, the Indian ah pek who sells papers outside Shell in 19… *sob sob* make sure you all keep in touch I tell you! If not you get a box from me.

Top 3 things I will not miss about Malaysia:

#1: poisonous-smelling and radioactive public toilets. And having to pay 20 cents for use of smelly toilets. And another 30 cents for tissue paper when you’re plain out of it but you feel you HAVE to because your bowels are just about to implode.

#2: bangalas and scary Malay buggers that give you the hamsap stare when you walk past them wearing tshirt and jeans. *vomits blood*

#3: Malaysian Censorship Board. Screw you la! Brady Bunch movie also want to censor! Siao lang. Haha porn here I come! Kidding!


Mug Shot

Obsession with hair has not died. In fact, it seems to have gotten worse.

While others were queue-ing up to buy tickets for Shrek (which btw, we did not get to watch thanks to overflow of hormonally-charged teens in Pyramid today), me and Min ran over to Kimarie aka GDO and carried out a nice long conversation with the people there about the 25% discount for haircuts that they’re having for the time being. And hair-obsessed and easily convinced people that we are, we almost wanted to cut out hair there and then. But willpower and fear – that we might end up looking like retards being so hasty – pulled us back.

Because as you all know, getting a bad cut is like going to hell and back. I feel sad everytime I look in the mirror, I wash my hair 23 times a day to make it grow faster, I put gel or whatever on my hair in a pathetic attempt to look better and I don’t feel like going out of the house until it grows. And most of all, you know that my haircut is not reflecting my true self as a pretty girl! (For me, anyway:P)

I’m kidding. The last thing I feel is pretty.

When I look in the mirror, I see this:

Maybe the reason why I keep feeling I wanna go shopping kau kau and buy makeup and earrings and new tops and shoes and that Dior bag, plus get a hair makeover and always doing my nails is cos I’m feeling depressed and low about myself. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe its just me mengada-ing, I dunno. So to make myself feel better, I either surround myself with a lot of people or dress myself up. And since its not possible to kacau people all the time, retail therapy is what I go for.

The best way for me to feel good is to look good. Yes, this is how shallow I am. And how much image and looks matter to me. But when it comes to others, it doesn’t matter how ugly you are, I will still talk to you and be your friend (unless you’re a biatch la). But for myself, it’s somehow so important that I look good. It’s as though the whole world will end if I don’t have my mascara or have greasy hair. To the point that when I was working, people in the office referred to me as Fashion Queen.

Which is actually quite annoying, as though I have no substance under my hair and clothes. Hmm, do I?

I feel so unfulfilled. 🙁

And I still need new hair to improve my mood!


Hair today, gone tomorrow (ha!ha!)

Hmm…everybody’s too busy to choi me so I guess I’ll have to make up my own entertainment. Which these days, other than GunBound is…… finding a new hairstyle to cut! I’m sorry, if you people love me enough, you’re gonna have to put up with my narcissim every now and then. 😀

Current hair is getting more and more common, ie. more copied ie. getting more and more irritating everytime I walk past someone with a similar hairstyle. I’m sorry if that sounds very bitchy, but I’m not known for liking having the same stuff or image as other people or vice versa. That’s why I never (hardly, anyway) buy stuff from places like Espirit, MNG, Ms Selfridge etc (other than the fact that they’re also fcuking expensive and don’t fit me) and always shop at Sungei Wang.

Current hair = fringe cut across forehead + very layered longer than shoulder-length curls x red color that looks to be turning brown as usual.

Problems with hair = hair growing too long for my liking + curls getting limper and straightening out + A GAZILLION PEOPLE CUTTING FRINGE AND PERMING THEIR HAIR!!!

Fcuk this, even Melissa G5 apparently got bangs! And looking at her, I thought she would be the antithesis of cutesy hair across the forehead. What is this world coming to… And would you look at the number of people on the street with permed hair. When me and Min first curled our hair, everyone else had straightened hair. Fine by me. But now just look at all those curly-headed cuties out there. It sickens me.

I’ve had my fringe my entire life (for reason, please refer to shiny bulbous forehead) and I permed my hair last year in an attempt to look less like a certain Jap star, which I dunno why some people kept saying I looked like, flattering but after a while, annoying. You can see how my quest for originality leads me.

But this hair is getting old fast. Which is why, I’ve decided to chop it all off. Bye bye, curls. Hello, funky hair (and possibly a cut that would make me look retarded or toad-like). Ha! Try to follow that then!

Possible cuts:

:: Not exactly the short cut I was looking for but I damn like the long things at the side!::

:: Don’t really like the hair but I like the fringe. What am I thinking? No more fringe!::

::Quite like this one. But maybe it’s due to model’s cuteness. Might end up looking like toad
with this::

::My fav! Especially the hair color. But without the strand poking into the eyes of course::

PS. Brother Ooi’s calves have taken on quality of sandpaper. Fantastic!


Don’t know much about history

ANNOUNCEMENT #1: All those who are eager to learn more about Brother Ooi’s haunting experience or would like to follow in his footsteps to macho-ness, please visit his blog for more information.

ANNOUNCEMENT #2: I found my 50 bucks! It was not actually stolen, I forgot that i put it into the back pocket of my jeans 😀 before going to Hock Yau’s “concert”. My mother found it when I put my jeans in the washing machine. Apologies to Min and Ruth for worrying them.

Brother Ooi’s leg hair is growing back (much to my glee and joy). Better not come near his legs, they will probably poke you to death.

Went for Hepatitis B first jab yesterday. Fucking painful, I almost wanted to deal with hepatitis B itself instead. Ah, another 2 jabs and I’ll be all immune and healthy and able to breath in air from Hepatitis B patients without worrying.

Ah, it looks like everyone is busy going through exam stress and growing new white hairs (with the exception of Brother Ooi, who’s still sprouting black hairs on his legs). I have two words to say: Ha! Ha! No, I’m kidding, I am! *takes into account how many people are facing exams* Best of luck people! I will be glad to help anyone who needs it, proofreading, finding sources, etc. Or anyone who needs a push to get started on their studies, I am quite handy with the cane.

Have resolved to take up knitting. I’ll show you, Kah Leong and Lai Zhun Yan!

Don’t know much about history


Smooth as a baby’s bottom

Though I did nothing today, others seemed to be more productive, specifically Brother Ooi.


I was sitting on my room floor, minding my own business, listening to MDs and waiting for my nails to dry, when who should burst in but Brother Ooi, asking if I still have any wax strips left. I stop waving my hands about in the air and stare at him.

I think: This will be wonderful entertainment.

I say: My nails are wet. Open up my drawer and take it out yourself.

Brother Ooi proceeds to do that and then stick the wax strips onto his shins. He follows precise instructions from sister and rubs strips between his palms to warm up wax before carefully pressing down strips to avoid capturing air bubbles. Then according to sis, he must yank out the strips in an upward direction, in a “fast and steady” movement to pull out as much hair as possible. He does just that.

“EEEEYAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” goes Brother Ooi.

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!” goes Sister Ooi.

And the dialogue repeats itself a few more times. Unfortunately, Sister Ooi had only 2 strips of wax left so Brother Ooi was left with two very glaring patches of shining white BARE skin surrounded by mountains of scraggly hair.

So he decides to shave the rest off. Unfortunately, was unable to get any pics of him doing so, due to the fact that he slammed the door in my face when he saw me holding my camera. So boys and girls, use your imagination.

Now he has even smoother legs than I do. I can’t wait for the regrowth.

AudAngry AudAtMoho/USA AudSocialButterfly

Oh say can you see…

Bloody shite, trip to US Embassy was a waste of time. First of all I had to wake up at bloody 7pm which is 4 hours earlier than my usual time. Then I clambered into the car and felt carsick all the way to KL.

THEN. At the embassy, those ang mohs were so bloody “pah-pai”. All of us who wanted to enter had to line up OUTSIDE THE GATES OF THE EMBASSY in the bloody hot sun. FOR FUCKING NEAR 2 HOURS! When we finally reached the security door of the embassy, the big beefy bald guy (who looks like he might have a night job jaga-ing the entrance of Atmos or something) let my mother through but stopped me with a almighty thrust of his hand (which btw, looked the size of a football).

Me: Wha..?!

Beefy guard (in thunderous voice): ONLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME.

Me: …… (still stuck outside sweating profusely in glaring sun)

Beef (swinging open door again): NEXT.

Me (marching in and muttering): Why embassy also got bouncer one ar…(quickly keeps silent when notices that Beef is staring at her menacingly).

We go through TWO body and bag checks before we can finally enter the embassy. And inside, we discover that we have to line up once again to submit my visa application. When it’s finally my turn, I go up to the guy at the counter, who’s young and actually not bad-looking. I pass my application form to him. He glances at The Visa Photo and giggles: hur hur hur.

I stare at him in aghast embarrasment.

He flips open my passport now. “Hur hur hur”

My eyes get even bigger. 0_0. “What?” I say defensively.

He points to The Visa Photo. “So happy.” He snorts again before finally uruskan-ing what needs to be uruskan-ed and telling me I need to sit and wait again until my number is called.

So I sit and wait for 15 minutes until my number is announced. I go up to the counter and much to my irritation the fat lady there tells me I can’t submit my application now because I don’t have the I-20 form (which is for students). I stare agog once again and my mum tells her that we were told we could apply first and submit I-20 later since it takes so long to apply for a visa.

Fat Lady: No, you can only submit your application early without I-20 if you’re a boy. Applications for guys take longer than girls so they can submit it earlier. You as a girl don’t need to apply so early. So u can wait for your I-20 form then only come and apply.

This means I have to make another trip to the embassy next month. Cakaplah awal sikit!! Aku tak payah tunggu lama di luar itu embassy dan ditakutkan itu bouncer yang besar. Bitchiness.

So after that to make up for it, I went to Sungei Wang! And bought sculpting lotion for my precious hair. 😀 *happiness*

And then I went to watch Troy with Min, Hsin, Yee Mei and Ferinna. Me and Min sat across the aisle from the rest and entertained ourselves with clever jokes. And I became teacher of the day and enlightened Min all about ancient Greek mythology (due to self as nerd child reading about it in encyclopedias and such). We decided that:

#1: Hector is our hero.
#2: Nia Vardalos would make a better and more Greeklike Helen than whatsherface. (With one swing of her body, she would take down the whole of Troy. But then if she were Helen, I can tell you there sure wouldn’t be a war).
#3: Orlando Bloom looks like Francis in Malcolm in the Middle and is a pukima.
#4: Hector’s baby doesn’t look Greek either.
#5: Helen looks like a bitch. Her lips are really thin.

Then at night, we went for Jacky Cheung’s concert in SUnway Lagoon. Thanks Hsin! But turns out, he is another pukima. He bloody started BEFORE 8.30pm! So by the time we reached, he sang 1 1/2 songs before they announced it was time for the autograph session etc etc.

#1: I got two bloody aching legs thanks to running to the concert place to see him and from being unable to stop running because it was downhill
#2: I also got a blood clot each on both my big toe nails. God knows why.
#3: I was smart enough to ask Sam to carry me up so I could at least catch a glimpse of Hock Yau in the flesh. Unfortunately when he picked me up, the blinding white light flashed into my eyes from the stage and I couldn’t see anything at all. Of course, I didn’t tell him that, after all his help and energy to pick me up.

So after the terrible disappointment that was an excuse for a promo concert, we headed to Breakers. And there:
#1: I fucking lost RM50! Only discovered it today when I had no money for lunch. Dunno what happened to it, whether it dropped out or somebody took it from my wallet when I was foos-ing. Stupid me happily left my bag in the corner near the stairs and went off to play. Fuck whoever took it and may you die being stabbed in the eyeballs!
#2: Hsin and I practised our 70’s dance poses everytime we scored a goal.
#3: Stupid dunno-what staff of Breakers asked us for ID!! Malou.. and to think we’re already one year past the legal age!
#4: Sam let down whoever was on his team by not looking when the game was started and by knocking the ball into his own goal. (But I shouldn’t compain cos he caught me stopping and fiddling with my mascara in the middle of a game)

The End


How I love my ABCs

Today was my first day as a *ahem* uni student! Though technically I was a an illegal alien in Monash. And though I attended just one tutorial.

But who gives a fuck! Haha I went for class! *sigh* People get excited cos they’re going clubbing, I get excited because I’m going to school. Cheryl, Hsin and Yee Mei were astonished at my enthusiasm, including the fact that I panicked because I thought we were going to be late for the tutorial which was: DESIGN OF SCIENCE. Didn’t want to miss a minute of it. The spirit of the nerd lives.

In the class, I was happily sitting next to Yee Mei, devouring their Design of Science assignment, which seemed v. interesting to me even though everyone stared at me like I was insane. It’s cos I have nothing to do plus I really really miss academics:( Also I was very happy to see all you guys! Missed all of you so much. Anyway, just to tell you people that I’ll be glad to help you with your assignments… ahem… what are friends for? So bring it on, babes!

Tomorrow, am going to the American Embassy to sort out my visa application and prove to them that I’m not a Muslim terrorist/Nazi/drug dealer/prostitute. Wish me luck, people! Also, am going to wear skirt and pants combo. It’s a luck thing.

AudEmo Funny Fat Her stories

The Quarrelsome Duo

Nothing happened today that was worth blogging about actually. I went back to The Photo Shop to collect gargoyle-like visa photos. The lady in the shop fixed us with a wary look, as though afraid we were going to throw a tantrum again and break her photostatting machine or something. But sucks to her, we were on our best behaviour and smiled the entire time at her and the rest of the customers. She gave us 10 cents off our payment, probably in relief that no quarrels broke out today.

Visa photo looks immensely bad. Think eyebags big enough to carry the kitchen sink in, bulging shiny forehead (DUE TO HAIR PUSHED UP!! ngghhh…), and cement hard cheeks (DUE TO TRYING TO KEEP SMILE ON DESPITE PISSED-OFF MOOD). Felt sick when I look at it. From now on, passport will be kept top secret to prevent public from discovering my secret identity as a toad.

Quote of the day:

“Life with the Ooi family is like a sitcom…oh except for your mother of course” says Daddy Ooi.

Oh yes, have also lost all faith in men. (To all males reading this, apologies. I’m sure there are great guys out there but unfortunately I have not met any decent ones yet). I’m not saying that we girls are perfect – it’s proven that we are the much bitchier and backstabbing half of the population – but I’ve heard so many stories and experienced first-hand what guys can do that I just putus asa. I guess the best so far is Ruth’s Joel 😀 (Huzzah for him!) From the controlling, over-sensitive boyfriend to the one who couldn’t care less, from the boyfriend who pretends to be asleep when his girlfriend calls, to the guy who dumps girls because they’re not “chun” enough, to the boyfriend who CHEATS on his girlfriend (once or repeatedly). *black cloud over head*

Oh wait, come to think of it, there are some good guys around, I guess. Its just that none of them are ever mine!!!

Top 5 boyfriends (in no particular order):

1. Joel – no need to say lah, whoever knows him and Ruth will attest to that.

2. Jill’s Kevin – hearing the stuff he does for her from Hsin:)

3. Cho Sing Hing in the Wah Lai Toi 930 show – aiyoo I know that he’s not her real husband but he is a real person in history and look how much he did for Cheung Ping

4. Dinesh – see the way he treats Meow…so gentle…amat menyayatkan hati

5. The Fringe’s Boyfriend – he holds her floral parasol for her and puts up with her poofy prom dress. What more do you expect?

People who have stories to tell about their wonderful boyfriends, step out and raise my mood a bit. People who have stories to tell about their crappy boyfriends, also step out and make me laugh.

Guys who feel/know they’re good boyfriends, please feel free to enlighten me. Seriously.

AudSuay Funny Fat Her stories

Manic Monday

Surprise, surprise! Today was actually quite productive for Audrey.

First of all, I went for a BLOOD test (!!), which was disgusting, bowel-moving and puke-inducing. Actually the Mother and Father wanted me to get my Hepatitis B injections all done before I go off. But thanks to smart me, who kept saying that I should have already gotten my injections when I was a baby because of the law that says all babies have to be immunized, they decided to sent me for a BLOOD test to confirm if I already have had the injections. And since I full well know that the law I was talking about was only implemented in 1988 (3 years after I was born), so now it turns out that I will take the BLOOD test AND the damn hepatitis B shots as well.

Blood test = 1 shot
Hepatitis B = 3 shots
Blood test + Hepatitis B = 1 + 3 = 4 BLOODY SHOTS!

(Petunjuk:- Ugly green colour represents hate of injections)

The BLOOD test was farking painful. Like when I was young, I tried to distract myself by thinking of ice-cream. Unfortunately it did not work (preferences and priorities must have changed over time). So I tried to think of something else nice. And I dunno why but my mind decided to pick kissing (?). I started thinking about how blood rushes about faster when you’re kissing then I started thinking about my own blood rushing into the test-tube or whatever and then I could feel the needle pushing itself in under my skin and flesh…. *goosebumps*. So that did not work either.

Then later in the evening I went to take my photo for my visa. I went to the shop and the lady told me to change into something with a collar because according to some great logic, my sleeveless top would somehow not be visible in the photo and I would then look naked. So I went home and changed. Then I went back to the shop. Then the lady said I would have to tuck my hair behind my ears. Okay, I know it is fucking stupid to get into a fight over my hair but you know how obsessed I am over it. Some more, before that I’d already susah-payah went and blowed my hair nicely to take the stupid photo. And then she told me I have to push my fringe off my forehead also. You know my fringe, right? How the hell am I supposed to push it off my forehead when it’s all straight and coming down nicely over my forehead?

My father kept yelling and me to push back my hair but I was already trying to without messing it up and getting very irritated and stressed. Then he came over and starting sweeping it in the WRONG direction. So I screamed and there started World War III in the tiny little photo shop. By that time I didn’t care already that the other customers were all staring at me. In the end, I went home AGAIN and pinned up my hair, plus my mother combed out my lovely curls cos she said its too messy and brought mousse and a comb back to the stupid shop and finally took the photo (which I know I look like shit in because it’s damn difficult to smile nicely when you’re pissed. I probably look like a serial killer).

And then, when I got home and went up to my room (and after remoussing my hair and blowing my fringe again), what do I find but ants on my wall! Out comes the insect spray, but after spraying the fucking wall THREE times, I still see more and more ants coming out! What are they, immortal or something? So it’s time to call the heavy artillery, which is none other than Mummy Ooi.

Mummy Ooi stormed upstairs armed with 3 packets of powder poison, which actually works in a very sneaky and evil way. You scatter the poison all over the ants’ trail and then they’ll take it back to their nest, thinking it’s food and eat it and die in the nest. I felt very very wicked while watching Mummy lay the poison. It seems a much more inhumane way to kill ants than by just spraying them. Like you secretly kill them with poison, whereas when you spray them at least you’re being upfront about it. Then I started to feel sorry for the ants cos they looked so busy and productive, unlike the human here. But then I thought of them attacking me while I sleep then I didn’t feel so bad anymore.