AudVanity AudVlogs

7 Minute Lazy Makeup Routine

I am in no way a makeup guru because I only have one style of makeup and it’s not even very good hahahaha.

But I have perfected the art of doing a complete face of makeup in under 7 minutes!

This is perfect for moms (who have toddlers hanging off their legs), people who like to press the snooze button and anyone who wants a quick to go makeup look.

I fast forwarded some parts to make it less boring for us, the ADD generation hahaha.

Products used in this video:
Shu Uemura UV Under Base Mousse in Beige
Laneige BB Cushion in True Beige
Moonshot Dark Spot Concealer in 201
Erabelle eyebrow pencil
Urban Decay eyeshadow in Beware
Charming Kiss liquid brown eyeliner
Dolly Wink volume mascara in black
Givenchy Prisme Libre loose powder in Voila Rose
Nars blusher in Orgasm

Enjoy!

AudParenting

How to get through the Terrible Twos alive

Hello from the depths of the Terrible Twos!  Misery loves company wtf.

So Fighter just turned two and a half and we’re firmly entrenched in what they aptly call the Terrible Twos.

I’ve been battling tantrums and meltdowns and whining which have actually intensified within the past one or two months.  In desperation, I turned to books for a solution.  And I’m actually really glad I did because it’s been very enlightening.

It helps me understand why Fighter does the things he does and how he thinks.  And why some things I do seem to work while others don’t.

And because of that I can empathize with him more and deal with him accordingly, making things (and our days) go by easier.

Anyway this is the book I’m reading.  It’s really very good and I recommend getting a read!

But if you haven’t the time, here’s what I learned (from the book and based on my own experience).

Toddlers are monsters more like teenagers.

They’re going through a huge, rapid development, socially, mentally and emotionally.

Imagine being a baby and thinking of yourself as an extension of mommy.  Then one day, you realize you’re actually your own person!  That’s what being a toddler is like.  You are trying to discover your own person – what you like or dislike, your relationship with the people around you.  That sounds like major upheaval and it’s no wonder toddlers have emotional meltdowns.

And then there are the emotions!  Suddenly toddlers are realizing they are filled with emotions.  Positive ones are fine and dandy of course, but what about the negative ones?  Anger, sadness, frustration, shame.  There’s no control switch in a toddler’s brain yet so when emotions happen, it floods them and they react accordingly.  Tears, rage, screaming fits etc.

On top of that, toddlers have not figured out how to express themselves yet in what we adults see as socially acceptable ways.  Heck, their verbal skills are only just developing – even some adults have trouble defining their feelings, what more little kids aged 2-5?  If they’re upset and they cannot convey it, they get even more frustrated.  Cue meltdown.

What else?  What drives toddlers? Control.

Toddlers are figuring themselves and the world out, and it can be scary.  They desire control over their surroundings and the most common ways of exerting control are during – you guessed it – mealtime, bathtime, bedtime and choosing their own clothes.  Which is why most fights occur during these times.

We as parents have to remember that toddlers don’t have the same logic that we do.  They see things in an entirely different way, which seems illogical to us but makes perfect sense to them.  One of the examples in the book was something that Fighter would totally do; a toddler is rocking himself on a chair, and balancing on the back legs of the chair, while holding on to the table.   He’s feeling strong and proud of himself.  Dad sees and freaks out and yells, “Fighter! Sit down properly or else you’ll fall!”  Instantly Fighter’s pride and happiness in his achievement is erased by his dad scolding and what he sees as shaming him.

The dad was actually trying to save his son from hurt but the toddler sees it as the dad scolding him for no reason and he feels shamed and sad.  It goes on like this – toddler’s logics and view clashes with adults.  And that’s why the clashes of the Terrible Twos (and beyond) occur – because the parents’ needs and wishes differ from the toddler’s.

So how to get through the Terrible Twos alive?

  1. Put yourself in the Toddler Point of View

Now that you sort of know what’s going on when your toddler has a melt down, instead of breathing fire back in their face, take a step back and try to empathize.  Put yourself in the toddler POV (TPOV wtf).  They’re probably not doing it just to piss you off but cos they’re genuinely upset. If you can figure out their unhappiness, it makes it easier to comfort them and solve the issue.

2. Acknowledge their feelings and needs

Everyone needs acknowledgement, even toddlers.  Or especially toddlers.  Their concern may be trivial to us (“Mommy cut my bread into two and now it’s broken”) but to them it could a huge stressor.  Listen to them, talk them through it and don’t belittle their worries or thoughts.

For example, when Fighter has a tantrum he’s too emotional to even talk.  So I start by reassuring him it’s okay if he’s upset and that Mommy is here for him. Then I ask him are you sad or angry? He can’t say it but prodding him with words makes it easier for him to define what he’s feeling.  Then I ask him why. Is it because of this or that?  Normally by now he would have calmed down enough to say although sometimes he doesn’t make sense wtf.

That’s fine because the important thing is to show him that his feelings are valid and we understand.  And the toddler will also understand that even if he’s been “bad” – being angry or screaming – we still love them and will be there for them regardless.

3. Be honest

Toddlers are smarter than we realize sometimes.  They will know when we tell them little white lies and nobody likes being lied to!  I try my best to always be honest with Fighter and Penny and not lie to soothe their feelings.  If they know you’re lying, your word may not be accepted again and it’s going to be even more difficult managing them.  Worse, it tells them that lying is okay.

4. Be there

I’m not talking about quitting your job so you can stay home and see your toddler 24/7.  Toddlers are stuck in a paradox.  They’re driven by a desire for independence (I can eat by myself! I can put on my own shoes!) …. at the same time they’re scared and want to run back to mommy and daddy for comfort or security.

It’s this push and pull within the toddler that culminates in a meltdown. :X So what we can do is accept that, and be there for them when they’re struggling to sort through their feelings.

5. Let them vent

I’ve been guilty of yelling at Fighter or punishing him when he’s in a tantrum. :( Yesterday I told him to stop watching Youtube and in anger, he threw my phone on the floor. I lost my temper.  I shouted at him in a voice I didn’t even know I had wtf and threw him in naughty corner.

The thing is though, when kids melt down they can’t actually control themselves anymore.  They’re not thinking and naughty corner isn’t the right way to fix things.  I was mad at him for deliberately throwing my phone but when he’s losing it I have to be the adult that he can rely on.

Instead of naughty corner, the book indicated I should have let him vent his anger and aggression in a safe way, like giving him a pillow to punch wtf.  Which really makes sense because stifling his emotions just teaches him that it’s bad to have negative emotions which is not a healthy idea obviously.

But when I gave him a pillow to punch, he tossed it aside and smacked my knee. FML.

4. Stick to a routine / Be consistent

Toddlers have no grasp on time yet.  Tomorrow or next week don’t mean anything to them and they literally live in the moment.  There’s science to this but not gonna bore you with the details.

Lacking a sense of time can be disorienting to say the least.  How would you know what happens next if you don’t know the time?  That’s why it’s so important to put babies and toddlers on a schedule.  They feel more secure, in control, knowing what happens next.  For example, that after bath time, comes snack time and nap.  Apparently it’s why some preschools have songs for everything – songs for cleanup, songs for goodbye and hello.  It’s to signal to the kids that a transition is occuring and it’s comforting knowing what to expect.

Ironically, routines  set the foundation for managing on their won.  To quote the book:

The more structure and routines are in place, the freer the child is to develop the internal control to manage his or her own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors – all of what enables him to mature, grow, and learn.  In other words, regular routines enable flexibility.

5. Don’t shame

OK I think this is something Asian parents especially are super guilty of. Have you ever talked about your toddler to your husband or to his teacher as though he’s not there when he is?  How about saying “Don’t take your pacifier anymore lah. You see mei mei also not eating hers.”

I am super guilty of this please!

Even well intentioned remarks like “nobody dresses like this. How about you wear this shirt instead?” or “that’s now how you do it” can shame and frustrate a toddler. When we step in to “help” or “fix” a problem, we take away their opportunity to learn from experience.  They don’t get the chance to manage their own frustration; it interferes with their attitude towards learning and making mistakes.  And it keeps them from figuring out the person they’re becoming.

Toddlers see it as “I’m wrong” or “Mommy doesn’t think I can do it myself”.

Every day I struggle with Fighter because he wants to wear the same damn ABCD shirt.  And I don’t even know what ABCD shirt means!  I think it’s shirts with writing on them but not all shirts with writing also he will accept.  It’s a super narrow range and every day it’s a battle to convince him to wear what I want him to wear.  Sometimes I force it over his head and he’ll break down in rage and tears.  Sometimes I can distract him enough to wear, but other times he cries until I change his shirt.

Fighter is not trying to piss me off or being nuts; he’s just following toddler logic.  Toddler logic says that he wants to be independent and decide on his own outfit.  And that he feels secure wearing the same few shirts.

So instead of criticizing his choice, I will just give in and buy more black tshirts for him.  Until he gets over it and lets me style him again hahahaha.

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And that’s what I’ve gleaned so far.

I think the real key is to really just take yourself out of your own frustration and try to get in the Toddler POV.  Trying to understand matters from their perspective will make a vast difference in the way we interact and raise them.

Hope this helped!

Audvertorial

A full time mom’s BFF

There are many things that turn out to be a mom’s best friend.  Individually wrapped vegetable crackers, mini bottles of yogurt, YouTube, an iPad (sad but true!!!), a functional oven. Water soluble markers.  Instant baby food.  Bottle sterilizer.  A mixer.

Sometimes you have to buy them, and sometimes when luck shines on you, you’re handed one of them.

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Like this Volkswagen Passat. (Okay la it wasn’t just handed to me. I have to return it some time hahahaha) Truth be told, I wasn’t too thrilled when I saw it because… it’s not the sexiest of cars la. Hahaha.  

I prefer round cute cars wtf and the Passat is a sedate, conservative piece of work which  But it’s really grown on me and here’s why I think the Volkswagen Passat makes a great car for moms/dads/anyone who has to shuttle kids around.

  1. The Auto Hold function

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This nifty button here? It’s life changing. Hahaha. Okay so I don’t have the most experience with vehicles so I have no idea if this function is available in other car models, but it’s the first one I’ve encountered.

Turn on the Auto Hold function and you don’t have to keep holding down the brake pedal to keep the car still!

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Say you’re stopping at a traffic light.  Just pump the brake pedal down firmly once, and lift your foot up.  The car will stay absolutely still as though you’re in neutral mode or your brake is on.

Damn good!  Especially for driving in Malaysia where there’s almost always a traffic jam.  It’s such a relief to be able to lift my foot up and relax a bit.

2. Nifty knick knacks space next to the front seat

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This mini cabinet thing with the striped sliding cover is not new to Volkswagen, but I really like how spacious it is.

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See?  Can store a lone sock wtf.  No la kidding hahahaha.

I like how with just a flick of my hand, the cover slides, and a good sized storage space is immediately accessible, cup holders included.  Somehow I’m always having to hold miscellaneous kid paraphernalia which I’d normally toss on to the seats and pray they don’t fly off when I brake.

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Case in point.  Pacifier, iPad and water bottle all can easily be slipped in, not to mention my phone.  

3. Ample space in the trunk

I take it back! You not an uncle car!  Even if you are, it’s worth it hahaha.

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Because look how huge the boot is?????? I put in our huge Stokke stroller (which is really big and comes in two pieces) and look how much space there is left!

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Put in Careen’s baby present on top (which is another big bulky box) plus a birthday gift for Fighter’s classmate and there is still a lot of space left.  Can squeeze in two more good sized suitcases I think with some arranging. I now appreciate the value of a big trunk — my car if I put the stroller in can fit but then groceries maybe have to put in the front already.

4. Baby car seat friendly — comes with ISOFIX

Although our car seats fasten with seatbelts, it’s good to know the Passat comes with the ISOFIX function.

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That said, the backseat is spacious enough to accommodate two car seats side by side comfortably.  

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Penny loves Koko so I thought this is a bonus — put her next to Fighter so she’ll be happy and not cry.  Sadly this backfired because they keep getting into fights FML.  Penny likes to pat or poke Fighter and once I caught him trying to push his foot into her face FML again.

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I look very serene here but in reality half the time I’m shouting from the driver’s seat at them to stop fighting or screaming. *forced smile

5. Driver’s seat can adjust until super high LOL

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Okay la maybe you all tall people find this redundant don’t need to show off ok wtf.  And okay, this has nothing to do with being a mom and everything to do with being a short person.  But I looooove that the driver’s seat can be adjusted until an extraordinarily tall height. 😀 A lot of cars I have to sit up straight (without my back touching the seat) to see the road FML.

With the Passat, no such issues because the seat is so adjustable.  It makes me feel very secure that I can see the road so well hahahaha. And no back aches from sitting with my back ramrod straight. :X

* I’ve been using the Passat as my main car for the last two weeks, ferrying Fighter to and from school and taking Penny with me on errands.  I’ve really enjoyed driving it around!   It drives really well!  Suspension is great so the ride is unusually smooth.  I don’t worry about Penny waking up when we go over speed bumps. Steering wheel was light and easy to pull on too. :)  My usual car is a two seater so I really enjoyed having the Passat and being able to pile everyone in (Fighter, Penny, nanny) and take Fighter to school, then go grocery shopping or whatever I need to do with Penny snug in the backseat.

BONUS: This car loves me too

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Fatty kept wondering why the seat was always adjusted so high and to the front, and every time he wants to use it he has to lower it down and push it back again hahaha.  Even if he thought he just adjusted it recently!

One evening he exited the car before me and I saw it with my very own eyes — the engine was already off but the car seat started whirring and adjusted itself to my preference – high up and to the front. D:

Super amazing and convenient please? It somehow identified that I am the main driver and adjusted the seat to my liking so I wouldn’t have to.

Passat, I love you too.

To book a test drive, click on to the Volkswagen website :).

 

 

DSC02414This blog post was written in collaboration with Volkswagen.

AudVlogs

Things we do on weekends

Fatty was away for work recently so it was up to me to entertain the critters.

I had to find ways to keep them busy (and tire them out enough so they’ll sleep better nyehehe). Did the usual kiddy stuff – take them to the mall for dinosaur rides, take them to the playground… and have lots of tea parties of course.

Enjoy and please subscribe!

AudBaby AudParenting AudSlave

Book Week got me like…

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This week is Book Week at Fighter’s school. Which means the main focus is reading.

Every day a parent volunteer will come in and read a story to the class.

Well guess who got roped in yesterday wtf.

The above pic was taken while I was frantically trying to find a suitable book to read to the toughest audience ever – 2-3 year olds 😂

Cannot be too long (or else they lose interest), too short (or else kena judged by teacher for being lazy), must be easy enough to understand (or else lose interest again), hopefully a lot of sound effects and weird voices for that exciting factor wtf.

And worse, kids are the toughest audience!  Cos if they don’t like something they won’t give face one wtf. Very stressful ok hahahaha.

Anyway I went in to Story Time all prepared with Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Only to be informed that they JUST read it FML.

I had to faster change course to the Three Little Pigs, which I hadn’t rehearsed at all FML. My wolf voice not very on point but I think I did ok la. Nobody booed me wtf.

Teacher asked if anyone had questions for Jude’s mommy. And Chase asked me a very important, soul stirring and relevant question.

He asked

Where’s the fire truck?

Very good question Chase. As everyone knows, any story that matters needs to have a fire truck in it. Hahaaha Hahahaha

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Here’s a group photo!  Sorry had to blur out the kids faces to avoid getting killed by other parents.  Didn’t blur out Chase’s cos his mommy Sieu Ee posts his pic anyway hahaha. And his photo face is too funny!

Oh and if you’re wondering why Fighter is crying, it’s cos he’s mad Mochi gets to sit on my lap. *strained smile

Anyway for the grand finale of Book Week, the kids had to come dressed today as their favorite story book character.

My problem is Fighter only very recently got into stories – his attention span finally lengthened enough to sit through a whole story and understand it; before this his books were all like pop up or flip books about letters or numbers or animals.  No storylines!

So he hasn’t developed any favorite stories or characters yet!

And Peppa Pig Mickey Mouse etc cannot cos they don’t originate from books. The point of this exercise is to encourage love of books and reading.

So as a sneaky mom I purposely read the same story to him every night for a week wtf. My staple Goldilocks and the three bears 🐻🐻🐻

I obviously brainwashed him enough because he fell in love with it! He actually started asking me to read it to him every night.

SETTLE LA!

So I went ahead and made his costume.

Gave him the choice of papa bear, momma bear or baby bear and he picked baby bear.

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Ok it looks like sai la I am aware hahahahaha.  Sent this photo to the Competitive Aunties and they asked me why is it made out of paper FML. But in case you want to make a half assed bear costume like I did, here’s how.

      1. Get a piece of cloth in light brown large enough to make a shirt and fold it in half.
      2. Place a jacket or shirt of the size you want on the fabric so that the collar and shoulders line up with the fold, and stencil it.
      3. Cut according to your stencil.
      4. Cut a semicircle for the neck.  Make sure it’s big enough for your kid’s head to fit through.
      5. Be careful not to cut the fold where the shoulders are.  You should have a rough bib like shape.
      6. Using darker brown cloth, cut a circle for the bear’s tummy.
      7. I added a small heart at the corner for extra cuteness.
      8. Fabric glue everything.  Of course, you can sew but I don’t have a sewing machine and I didn’t have time to hand sew. I actually added two straps at the sides to join the front and back together but it didn’t work cos the fabric is not stretchable at all.  When I put it on Fighter, he got stuck and agitated so I tore those out.

 

    And you’re done!  I paired the bear ‘suit’ with Duffy bear ears I got from Disney Sea.

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Baby bear up from his nap and going to school!

Fighter’s outfit: Tshirt – Next
Skinny brown jeans – Zara
Baby Sneakers – Vans
Sunglasses – Babiators

Accessorized with Duffy ears, a picnic basket stolen from his sister and a pacifier wtf.    

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Here’s Baby Bear in his complete outfit!  I added the bowl and spoon cos Baby Bear likes porridge what hahahaha.  Note the bowl is empty cos Goldilocks ate all his porridge. *realistic

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Eating his porridge.

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And offering some to his favorite Auntie Sieu Ee.

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My baby bear!!!! The costume is really quite sai but he still looks cute la right hahahaha. Its super half assed compared to the princesses and Cowboys and dinosaurs that the other kids were. I think most people just bought outfits but I’m too kiam to spend on a costume he’ll only wear once!!!

And I like that DIY will give me exactly what I want (as much as my capabilities can go anyway wtf)

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Fighter Bear also has a tail!  Got the pom pom from Spotlight and glued it to his butt hahahaha.

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Another pic!

 

 

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And here’s a photo of Sieu Ee and her son Chase (who’s Fighter’s best friend) and Fighter hijacking his friend’s mom hahahaha.

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Love this pic!

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And love these two little girls.  Who came to support their big brothers.  Mia, Chase’s sister is only two months older than Penny but she looks like a little girl while Penny still looks like a baby hahaha.  Must be the lack of hair wtf.

But why support?

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Because during assembly they had to go up onstage class by class.  Each child had to tell the audience (super scary for a two year old leh!) who they were dressed up as and from what story hahahaa.

There’s a video but I’m not posting it to protect the other kids’ privacy.  But basically when it was Fighter’s turn, this is how it went.

Teacher: Jude! Who are you today?

Fighter: Jude.

Teacher: No, who are you dressed up as?

Fighter: Bear!

Teacher: Ooh a bear!  And what story are you from? What book are you holding?

Fighter: Goldilocks and the three bears.

Teacher: Very good! And what do you have in your hand?

Fighter: Bowl. And spoon.

Teacher: But your bowl is empty! What happened to your porridge?

Fighter: All gone!

Teacher: Oh no!  Who ate your porridge?

Fighter: My mommy ate my porridge.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Anyway I was so proud that Fighter carried himself so well and answered confidently and accurately.  He didn’t shy away or cry. :)

Also very happy with the way the school handled Book Week.  Ya I was damn stressed la wtf but I like how our school in particular emphasizes reading and books to such a degree.  Because above all, the love of reading is what I’d really want Fighter to develop as a young child. 😀

Uncategorized

Kyoto travel vlogs!

Okay they’re not really travel vlogs la cos we do very little touring and a lot of eating and walking around with stroller and two small persons toddling along.

But those two small people enjoyed themselves I think.  Nothing to do every day except hang out with mommy and daddy and mama and ah kong and eat and play with things in shops wtf.

Hope you enjoy these vlogs!

AudVanity Audvertorial

CG210 is ‘hair’ to help

You see. You see this.

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Skin on point.  Makeup on point. Hair…uhhh…. Okay okay I have a hair problem.   Nowadays I keep it short cos it’s easier with annoying babies playing tug of war with my hair, but I have always had thin and fine hair.  Thanks Mummy Ooi hahaha.   Fat Her is the proud owner of a luscious head of hair but Ooib and I got the thin hair genes and I think Ooib might even be prematurely balding FHL. I don’t think I am la *prays. But I do have very thin hair!  I prayed that this gene would die with me and Fighter seems safe from it.  Not sure about Penny though… Anyway I used to disguise it with lots of hair extensions and a very layered haircut especially at the top of my head. This look was achieved with hair extensions, a curling iron, hair spray, lots of layers on the top and wax to volumize so my hair doesn’t lay flat on my crown. 2016-03-31_11-37-22 But unstyled, my hair is flat on my head like this. *sad CIMG4890 This is further proof that my hair is damn thin la! I got cornrow effect without having cornrows wtf. Okay la, say so much but actually I don’t care for my hair enough.  I do use hair masques, and always apply a hair oil after I wash it but that’s for the hair.  I don’t do anything for my scalp. 2016-03-31 11.20.48 1

Enter Abbott’s CG210, a hair essence formulated for the purpose of reducing excessive shedding and promoting healthy hair growth.

I think I’m over my post natal hair shedding phase already cos I definitely lose less now.  So I’m primed to start using this product!

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It comes with a cannula which you have to fix to the pump like this.

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Shake it before use, and using the cannula, spray on to the scalp.  Be careful to aim on to your scalp, not the hair itself.
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Then using your fingers, gently massage the essence into your scalp.

The essence is a ntural botanical formulation and it has a slight sweet smell.  It’s supposed to be berry for women, and mint for men hahaha macho.  It’s hypoallergenic and contains no preservatives either.

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My hair is actually pretty thick at the back of my head so I focused my efforts on the top and sides.  I think these areas are more prone to sun damage and pollution, that’s why.

It’s recommended to spray at least 5-10 times each time, and to do this every morning and evening.  Each bottle should last about a month.

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Wah look like crazy person hahahaha.  After you’re done, do not wash it off!  Just style your hair like always.

The essence is a very watery form and when it dries, it doesn’t seem to leave any residue!  I was worried my hair would look greasy or sticky but no wor.  In fact this CG210 actually volumizes my hair!

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After I applied it this morning, I brushed my hair and curled the ends as usual.  And see now my hair quite pong pong hahahaha.

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Act model shot.

I’ve only been using this for a few days so I can’t tell if there’s any effect yet.  It’s supposed to take 44 days to see a difference.

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But in the meantime, I love how it makes my hair look! Clinically proven benefits of the CG210 essence are, reduces hair shedding, increases hair thickness, improves healthy hair, and promotes new healthy hair.  Cross fingers it actually works to thicken my mane yo!

CIMG49152016-03-31 11.20.36 1  You can get the product in selected private hospitals, clinics and all leading pharmacies. If you need further information, please call Abbott Lifeplus careline 1-800-88-0709 or visit the website at www.cg210.com.my. Disclaimer: This post was written in collaboration with Abbott CG210. Abbott partnered with me for its campaign and as part of this program, I received compensation for my time. Abbott believes that consumers and bloggers are free to form their own opinions and share them in their own words.

AudShopping AudVlogs

Shopping haul from Kyoto

Here’s my shopping haul video from when we were in Kyoto and Osaka! Sadly I am super auntie now so less clothes and makeup this time, and more baby stuff! Sorry young girls, you may not be interested hahaha.

If you’re planning to grab baby food while in Japan, check out supermarkets and drug stores. I got all mine at a drug store (kusuri-ya). A popular one is called Matsumoto Kiyoshi.  You may be able to find baby food in Don Quijote as well, but as I didn’t manage to go, don’t take my word for it wtf.

For the other stuff I bought, if you’re interested, here’s where to shop.

Kids’ Vans (also Fatty’s matching adult Vans and tons of other sneakers) : ABC Mart

 

Gyaru and Shibuya style fashion (Kyoto/Osaka area): OPA Kawaramachi in Kyoto, OPA Umeda, Umeda EST. Also Hep 5 in Umeda although I didn’t go this time.

Jelly magazine – any konbini wtf

 

AudDisgusting AudSuay

The worst day of my life

Everyone has an Embarrassing Poop Story but few have the kind of special courage it takes to share it on the Internet.

This woman (who kept a piece of her poop in her bag on a date) and then wrote about it on Twitter has my utmost respect hahahaha. She stayed true to herself which is something I always admire wtf.

Which is why I’ve decided to share my Embarrassing Poop Story.

Actually I’ve got tons wtf.  But this one stays in memory because not only is it the worst, it is also the most recent. FML.

So here goes.

Chup ah.  This was how I looked like at that time ok.  Keep that in mind when you read the story.

Once upon a time (in 2012, shortly after our wedding), Fatty and I were in the Bay Area — I’d gone with him when he had a business trip.

And one day, we had to make a trip to San Jose for Fatty to meet a PR firm.  So we took a long (by Malaysian standards) drive over from our apartment in San Fransisco.

The drive takes about an hour and usually it’s a nice chance for us to talk rubbish and play stupid games and generally is very enjoyable.

On that particular day though, Fatty started feeling pangs of pain in his stomach.  I don’t remember what we ate the night before but it must not have agreed with him cos he suddenly felt like he had to go REAL BAD. Hahahaha.

Being the loving and supportive wife I am, I did what comes naturally to me.  I laughed at him and proceeded to laugh for the next half hour as he drove like a demon and broke out in goosebumps and cold sweat.

Really FHL la! We couldn’t find any toilet stops some more so Fatty sped all the way to downtown San Jose, some more had to locate the office, find a parking spot then hustle in with clenched butt cheeks to use the bathroom before meeting starts.

Apparently, when he reached the toilet, he thought he also reached heaven.

Anyway I decided not to stick around for the meeting. There was a nice park nearby and I thought I’d take a walk.  Also, Angela had a friend working in that area and I was waiting to meet her to pass her something (or take something from her I forgot)

I peacefully strolled around the park while waiting for Vivian, Angela’s friend.

Suddenly, my stomach gurgled.

OMG Karma, they were not kidding when they said you were a bitch.

My turn to have lao sai!  And I’m stuck in a park with nowhere to go!

Surrounding me was just office buildings, no stores or restaurants where I could borrow the bathroom.  I could have gone to Fatty’s meeting place but I didn’t actually know the exact location — Fatty left me at the park and went to the meeting himself.

And he was in the middle of the meeting so he didn’t reply my urgent texts wtf.

What was I to do? I started combing the streets, searching for a restaurant or cafe that I could enter.  But no they were all private corporate buildings! In the meantime, my stomach was doing the rhumba, I was breaking out in cold sweat and I could barely stand up straight.

At this point I would be grateful for a drug store to buy an adult diaper BECAUSE THAT’S HOW CLOSE I WAS TO SHITTING THE PAVEMENT.

Then I found a post office!  I was like OMG tons of customers enter it right, I’m sure they’d have a bathroom to use.  So I went in and meekly asked some guy in uniform if I could borrow the bathroom.

He said, “Sorry miss.  The bathrooms are upstairs and are for private use only.” And he gestured to a grill that was blocking access to a staircase.

With that, my heart shattered into a million pieces and I resigned myself to defacing the property of the United States of America (the post office floor).

Somehow I managed to twitch my butt muscles and walked out in what I hoped was a relaxed and dignified way.

I was doomed.  There was no way I could leave San Jose with my self-worth intact.  I could see the headlines now – “Woman defecates in front of post office, faces charges.”  My only saving grace was that nobody knows me there wtf.

My stomach cramps faded a little bit and I made my way back to the park, wondering if I should poop there and bury the evidence wtf.

But lo and behold!  There stood like an angel from heaven, a toilet.  Smack in the middle of the park!  My sphincter sang.

It wasn’t a portable toilet but a proper one.

Something like this. (Apparently this is in Hyde Park) It was a circular standalone cubicle although I remember it being more ornate looking with gold painted fixtures.

I stood outside and fidgeted while trying to figure out how to open the damn door.

For some reason there were absolutely no instructions!  I know now that it’s an automatic door and I think you’re supposed to put money in to use it but the one I encountered really had no sign of what I was supposed to do. Not even a coin slot.

At this point I thought I’d have to take a dump outside the toilet like a poodle FML.  Literal case of so near, yet so far.

But suddenly, the door slowly slid open.  And the occupant sauntered out.

I rushed in.  Then I couldn’t find how to close the door either.  Eff this shit la.

Please remember that by now I think it had nearly been an hour.  I didn’t know if I could last any longer. Pooping in front of strangers was starting to look like a better and better option.  I had serious fears that I might actually vomit my poop, the way my stomach was behaving.

Finally I got the door sliding and it closed. I ran over to the toilet bowl and frantically unbuttoned my pants wtf.

It was too late. FML.

If you have a sensitive gut you may want to skip this section hahaha.

I pooped, guys. In my pants. FML.

The bad news is, there was a pile of steaming poop on my underwear FML max.  The good news is, it was all neatly contained in my pantiliner WTF.  Wonders of wonders! So my underwear wasn’t actually in any danger!

But life just keeps on giving.  I turned to the side to find there’s no toilet paper wtf.

And when I was still sitting there, there must have been a timer because the door suddenly slid open, exposing me in my best moment to the world FML again.

I had to get up, waddle over to the door with my pants around my knees and shut it again.

Things must have gotten too traumatic at this point because I don’t remember what happened or how I managed to solve my issues.  I know I lifted out my pantiliner and just dumped the whole thing.

But I don’t know how I solved the toilet paper problem.  I guess I’ll never know now wtf.

All I know is, I staggered out of the toilet a changed woman.

It was two hours before I could tell Fatty my ordeal. (It must be noted that he was super nice and didn’t laugh at me although I was relentless about his diarrhea.)

And it’s been four years before I can hold my head high and write this down.

This experience has in fact taught me several lessons.

One: always wear a pantiliner.
Two: Marry a man whom you can tell your most disgusting things and he will still love you.

 

AudBaby AudBirthdays AudSocialButterfly

Penny’s first birthday party

Ooh lemme blog about Penny’s first birthday first before I forget.

I celebrated Fighter’s first birthday with a big party.  Inaugural birthday must make it special ok.  But his second one I was like whatevs hahahahaha he doesn’t know anything yet anyway.

So to be fair to Penny, I have to throw her a party for her first birthday too!  And it turned out even bigger and fancier than Fighter’s hahaha sorry Koko.

I decided on a heaven and angel theme (cos Penny is my angel la wtf) and went with the colors blush and gold.

And here I have to thank all our sponsors and wonderful vendors who came onboard to make Penny’s birthday such a beautifully done event.  You’ve seen my DIY right, there’s no way I can make such a nice shindig otherwise hahahaha.

Underground Société for hosting us and serving up such scrumptious dishes

The Party Project Malaysia for glamming up the space
Balloon Pixies for the stunning balloons
Batter.Batter for the too good to eat cakes
Shau Fun Sim for the gorgeous goodie bags
Gracious Little Things for the organic baby grains
And Onewaytix for the beautiful photographs :)

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This was what greeted us when we arrived.  Gorgeous signage to tell people the party is here!

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Reception area.  TPP and Balloon Pixies filled it with balloons and photos of our family.

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And the dessert table, cake and photo area. OMG so gorgeous until I forgot to breathe for a second hahahaha.

It was everything I dreamed of and more!  I never had such a gorgeous party so I throw it for my baby girl hahahaha. So elegant and sweet and princess-y and sophisticated yet girly *runs out of words

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Another look at the dessert table.

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Birthday cake by Batter Batter.  I loved Fighter’s yellow submarine cake but this is a whole new level of elegance and simplicity.

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I’ve never seen clear balloons like this before! Balloon Pixies really surpassed my expectations too.

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TPP even glammed up the tables with crisp white table cloths and glittery gold runners.

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Pink lemonade in glass bottles and gold foil wrapped Ferrero Rocher. :)

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The food prepared by Underground Societe.  I honestly assumed they’d dump a pot of spaghetti and chicken wings on the buffet and I was fine with it hahaha.  But they really outdid themselves artistically too.

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See grapes also arranged so nicely! 

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Cupcakes with chubby angel wings hahaha.

Now for the guests!

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With my ohana.  Love this photo!

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With our family twins, Vivy and Fadza, and Daniel and Mariam hahaha.

Yup, Penny’s halo and the wings I’m wearing were prepared by the Party Project.  They basically prepared all these for the little girls to wear. 😀

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With my #dayremoms and #dayrebabies!! Some left already so couldn’t get their faces here. :(

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Juvyn and Chloe!  Hahahaha these two baby angels together too cute I cannot.

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And one with Li Anne and baby S!  Juvyn and Li Anne were my high school mates and I’m so glad we got back in touch the past few years. <3

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With Wei Zhi, Gin, Sam and Bobo! <3

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Fighter loves the balloons too hahaha.

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The loves of my life.

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And my vain little girl.

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Kar Wai and Kar Heng, the brothers behind Underground Societe (and Coffee Societe and Garage 51) and Fat Her who’s sleeping wtf.

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Fighter and his favorite Kuku hahaha.

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Ally and Aud wtf.  We sound like a girl group.

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And us with pretty Lay See!

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Then it was cake smash time.  The cake is also by Batter Batter.  Gentlest cake smash ever though – Penny just gingerly poked her finger in, and didn’t get down and dirty by smashing anything hahaha.  

At her first taste of sugar, she shivered AHAHAHA.

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She did very sweetly alternately feed me and grandma her cake though awwwwww.

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One of my favorite photos cos we all look genuinely happy (ok except the kids who look baffled).

 





Here’s my vlog of the party!