AudAngry AudBaby AudEmo

Life in the hospital

Hello everyone my condition is more stable now!

I was going to take another rest after dinner when my parents left but I found when I lay down that my stomach acid instantly rose up my throat so I think Imma sit up for a bit and blog.

Anyway things have stabilized somewhat.  The bleeding and contractions have stopped and I’m on various meds to control my blood pressure.  The protein in my pee is increasing though (which is a sign of preeclampsia progressing) but on the bright side, liver and kidney functions are still okay.

I’m more or less stuck here in the hospital for now until I deliver, which will be premature la within the next few weeks.  I guess I’ve more or less accepted it.  At least we have the breast pump, stroller and car seat in hand now!  When Fighter comes out, he’ll probably be in the NICU for a while so at least we have the pump to express milk to feed him.

I’m still classified as a high risk pregnancy and the preeclampsia is considered quite severe actually.  Wah I never thought I’d have such a serious condition wtf.

So all outings are off limits for now and the doctor and nurses have been nagging me to cut down on visitors.  I was quite whiny about it wtf but I also did notice myself that whenever visitors came, my BP would spike quite scarily.  It’s not that I angry or kik or what!  But I think when people come, they’re my friends ma and I hate being quiet wtf so I invariably want to talk or entertain them and maybe it puts additional stress on my system.

Plus these new drugs have a side effect of making me a bit breathless actually so I guess it’s really not a good idea for me to have visitors now.  I’m very appreciative of those who came and sent things and sorry to those we had to turn away. 🙁

Breathlessness makes me super tired also.  I tried to make a round around the ward to stretch my legs a bit, prevent thrombosis and I was panting before I finished half wtf.  Luckily blogging is just finger work.

What else?  Oh ya I damn ugly now I cannot believe it wtf.

Permanently red face from flushing (meds side effect).  Hospital gown (btw the correct way is to tie it in front WTF I laugh at people for nothing and wore my gown backwards for 2 weeks nobody told me).  Anti embolism socks.  The drugs also cause huge water retention so I’m bloated beyond belief now — my legs I swear to god are 50% their original size.  My ankles are the size and shape of tennis balls.  Even my arms are chubby now and I feel exhausted carrying around all this water weight.  I hope it’s water la wtf later turns out to be fat fml.

Emotionally I’m not doing as well as everyone online thinks.

Maybe cos of the water, maybe cos I’m weak, I dunno but I find I’m unable to support myself standing up.  I have to hold on to surfaces and I bend over in front or else my back cannot take it.  I really dunno how other mothers carry to full term — isit cos of my current illness or isit cos I’m just a weak ass wtf.

Being unable to support the weight affects me a lot cos I really feel like an invalid.  And let’s not talk about the constant headaches, constant drugs, blood tests and the breathlessness.  It feels like one long asthma attack fts.  My self esteem and whatever strength I had has plummeted and I keep thinking if it wouldn’t be better for Fighter to just come out now.  Lots of people have said that they know 7 month preemies and they’re all wonderful!  Why wouldn’t Fighter be?

So I’m really not as good or strong or selfless as everyone thinks.  Every day it’s a struggle for me — on one hand I hope he’s ok in there and will continue to be, on the other I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen and secretly wish that something WILL happen so we can take action.

And I keep thinking why does everyone else get to have such easy births?  Why do they get to go in to the hospital for just a few days and reemerge with their healthy babies?  Why isit me that has to go through this and why do I have to put my husband and family through this?  Why do I have to leave my baby in the NICU and watch them stick him with tubes?

Obviously I know I’m not the only one in this situation but it doesn’t make it easier.

Imma stop now before this self pity party gets out of hand.  I know I have a lot to be thankful for either way so I just have to keep reminding myself.

Thanks for all the concern and all the stories about premature babies!  I think I managed to read most of the emails and comments already since I’m on bed rest so that was something nice to do. 🙂

P/S: Please try not to send me links or discussions about alternative therapies or cures or whatever!  I appreciate the well meaning behind them but I’ve learned that medicine is an evolving field and one study does not a fact make.  Some kind souls have tried to open my eyes to new studies or whatever, but reading all this conflicted sources only confuses and agitates me. 🙁  I fully trust my doctor and I don’t think this is the right time for me to be studying and trying to certify facts anyway.  Not good for my BP!

  • mosfets

    You are definitely NOT ugly! You’re going through so much, and being so brave and admirable! Right now, you just look a little un-dolled-up, but no one who is going through this much can ever be called ugly, ok D: take care and keep fighting!! Rooting for you from Canada!!

  • tan jia pei

    You and your husband had done very well. You are so strong. Get well soon. I believe you and fighter can get trough!

  • WL

    Hi Audrey! I never thought of commenting before, but I really admire you for your courage. You are really really strong, I’m praying for all the best for you! Don’t worry about Fighter, because I ever came across a real life story where someone had her baby at 24 weeks 5 days and yes, nothing was wrong with her baby. I’m sure Fighter will be more than okay. He’ll be a great, healthy baby! Take care and all the best! Cheer up! (:

  • Michelle

    Hang in there Aud!nYou and Tim are making the best out of a crappy situationnYou guys and fighter are in my thoughts

  • evelynwann

    Jia you!!!! n

  • Chezy

    Stay strong positive!! You and fighter is gonna be okay :’)

  • jess

    some people have/pop babies out like nothing, it’s unfair!!nntake care, God bless that you’ll have a smooth remaining pregnancy

  • Snow

    Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping the best happens. Good luck!

  • yoges

    so nice to be hearing from you!

  • Rojakgal

    Hi Audrey, don’t be defeated! There’s always a rainbow after a rain. 🙂 Setbacks make us to be stronger, more beautiful and appreciate our loved ones even more! Fighting!!!

  • Huei Jean

    Do let us know when you can accept visitors again. Was going to visit you but saw that you’re not allowed visitors anymore. Be strong Audrey!! I was having fainting spells and could hardly walk 15 steps without feeling exhausted but its okay. Just think happy thoughts!! Keep fighting!

  • Nicole

    O Lord God Almighty, Creator of all things and Giver of knowledge to mankind; Who fashioned the body of man from the earth and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, granting him Your blessings, that he might increase and multiply by means of the birth of children: We fervently entreat You Who loves mankind to bless this Your servant, Audrey, who is with child, granting her help and comfort at this trying time. Ease her labor and bring her to a safe delivery. Yes, O Lord, open the treasury of Your mercies and Your compassion to her, and let her give birth to a fruitful vine to be a cause of joy to her all the days of her life. For You are blessed, together with Your Only-begotten Son, and Your Most-holy, Good and Life-creating Spirit, now and forever. Amen.

  • Anonymous

    Hang in there Audrey… Take care and God bless 🙂

  • Eri Peng

    hope both of you and baby are doing fine. hugs. love love love.

  • Dawn

    KEEP GOING AUDREY! You’ll be the bravest hero of fighter and everyone out here is praying for you. Fighting!!!!

  • Wan Ying, Soh

    take care aud ! may god bless u !

  • cherryberry

    I hope you will do it well this time. For so long I’ve read your blog, this is the first time I commented. I wish you well and may God bless you. Be strong and deliver a healthy baby!

  • pearly

    love, hugs, kisses and prayers for you and your little one and your fat one! jiayou jiayou!

  • Nikaya

    If it makes you feel better, I was born 2 months premature. I’m now 22 and healthy as an ox! I know you’ll get through this. You’re in my prayers.

  • Anonymous

    You are so strong and admirable in so many ways Audrey!! You have many readers here rooting for you and Fighter! Stay strong!

  • Humaira

    Take care Audrey! Ur pregnancy and baby will be fine don’t worry.. Every child is god sent… Gambatte chaiyoh!! Ps, a reader fr spore 😉

  • Amy

    Take care! I wish you, your husband and your newborn all the best and happiness and health. It’s just a little sad to see how cheesie and xiaxue are such fair weather friends.

  • Anonymous

    hang in there audrey!

  • Rainbowjaz

    It’s normal to feel helpless at times Audrey. Here’s a quote I hope that will make you feel better “When Life Gives You No Choice But To Be Strong”.

  • yy

    all the best audrey! hope everything turns out well for you and that you will feel better soon! jiayou and rest well!! 🙂

  • Fourfeetnine

    Crazy. You just had to try insert a little poison didnt you?