Taking up from where I left off, the five days or so after I delivered Fighter was quite an emotionally trying time for me.
Preeclampsia is supposed to resolve after delivery and I naively thought that once the baby and placenta were out, my blood pressure and everything else would go back to normal almost immediately.
In mild cases it does apparently but as my doctor never fails to remind me, mine was extremely severe and as such, it might not resolve right away. T_T
But I wasn’t prepared for worsening symptoms! I some more thought I’d be out of the hospital in a few days but instead my blood pressure got higher and higher WTF.
At times it was worse than even the worst reading before my delivery. I’m still at risk of having seizures which is why I’m still stuck here for observation and care.
But every time the reading came back high, I’d get very upset and cry. I worried that maybe my preeclampsia was so bad that it’s impacted me permanently. That I’d developed chronic hypertension at age 28 and was stuck dealing with it forever. And I worried about how it would affect my life and caring for Fighter and having future kids wtf. (Not that I want a lot of kids la I just like having options).
Coupled with the pain of a C section recovery… it wasn’t pretty wtf. Sitting up was already a bitch, what more getting in and out of bed to go to the toilet. So painful until I nearly asked for the catheter back up my pee hole so I wouldn’t have to force myself to get out of bed. Before the operation I couldn’t stand up straight cos I was too heavy, but now I cannot stand up cos it was too painful fml. I don’t know what recovery from natural birth feels like but I dunno why anyone would do an elective C section if they knew how shitty the recovery was gonna be. And painkillers didn’t even seem to work to reduce the pain.
Looking back on it now, it’s possible that it was post natal blues after all. I felt quite unhappy and irritable and even had trouble sleeping (which NEVER happens for me).
To be honest, I didn’t even want to have any visitors. My BP was still high so activity was still discouraged and I was actually thankful for that. The thought of seeing anyone and having to make conversation was exhausting. I knew people cared about me and wanted to know if I’m okay and I really didn’t feel like acting okay when I wasn’t.
I didn’t even tell my parents about this! They were already so worried and I dunno if they can take it wtf. One night only I confessed to Fatty and cried more. FML.
Then I also hated the way I looked. I was still bloated, my stomach still looked pregnant even though there was no baby — I thought it was gross how it was big but not firm like during pregnancy. I crazily thought I’d be ugly forever and I really didn’t wanna see anyone looking like this.
Thankfully two days ago it passed! I started peeing loads and lost 5kg in 2 days. Yesterday only I realized I could see my wrists again hahaha. My double chin (seriously I actually had one of those) disappeared. I actually had a tube (like a pool float) around my hips which was all wobbly and full of water and depressed the hell out of me but even that started to go down. So I started feeling better about myself.
Then as I recovered from the surgery I got more mobile and could visit Fighter more often! And I got to do kangaroo care with Fighter! Which made the whole world seem more colorful wtf.
Kangaroo care is supposed to be good for Fighter but I think it was nearly as beneficial for me too. ^^ Although the first time I held him I burst into tears. T___T Then Fighter also started crying and it was just a very emo experience hahaha.
But this Fighter very smart leh! In his incubator he’s usually very restless and kicks around a lot even when he’s sleeping. But when I pick him up he straight
Happy feet. He’s very red because he hasn’t had time to put on fat yet and his skin is super thin. But I think yesterday and today he looks less red already!
My favorite photo EVER. Fatty put his hand in to touch his son and this Fighter just gripped his finger and wouldn’t let go. T_____T
Maybe he heard Fatty’s voice and recognized him as his daddy. And the look in Fatty’s eyes as he stroked Fighter… all the wonder and tenderness on his face made me fall in love with him a little more.
Fighter developed jaundice one day and they had to put him under the light. He usually wears a little preemie diaper but the doctor wanted to maximize the light on his skin so they let him wear a face mask (which will let in more light) instead. HAHAHAHAHA. The strings make him look like he’s wearking a bikini ahhahahaha damn cute.
Fighter holding Daddy’s hand again. He never hold my hand leh! Then can see this Fatty melting again. Clever ah this baby knows the way to a man’s heart wtf.
So in summary I’m doing much better now! Fighter is going strong and even managed to gain some weight the last two days and looks chubbier now. And while my BP is still high the past day looks like it’s slowly coming down bit by bit. I’m on the road to recovery!!!
Cannot wait till the both of us can go home and be a normal family.