As a parent, sometimes you get days filled with joy and smiles. And sometimes you get days filled with poop.
Saturday was one of those days for me FML.
We were happily eating dinner with my parents and brother, when suddenly Fighter said in a panicked voice, “I need to poo.”
He’d kicked off his shoes at the table so suddenly everyone was in a flurry trying to get the right shoe on the right foot, while Fighter pulled weird faces as he tried to control his sphincter muscles. Hahahaha.
I grabbed my phone and sanitizer spray in one hand, and Fighter’s fist in the other. We half walked half ran to the rest room which thankfully was quite near the restaurant.
Got to a toilet stall and he managed to get his pants down and sit on the toilet bowl in time.
But then! Calamity struck wtf.
See, he was sitting down, but his bird wasn’t down wtf. It was resting on his thigh in fact. So when he started to pee, he peed on himself WTF. Thankfully, it wasn’t a geyser wtf. But because his thighs were closed, pee was pooling on his legs T______T In a panic, I pushed open his legs. Clearly it backfired because the movement caused his pee to start spraying everywhere instead. @_@
I thought the worst was over when he finished but then he said very calmly, “Mommy my underwear is wet.”
I quickly cleaned him up and stripped off not just his underwear, but also his jeans which were both soaked. @_@ By this point, we were both just standing in the bathroom looking at each other. Fighter still had his tshirt, socks and shoes on, but no pants. Hahhahaahha.
I said, “OMG Fighter you have no pants. How to go home like this?” Then I started laughing uproariously. #shitmom
And Fighter started sobbing.
HAHAHAHAHA oh God. My family and I are the worst when it comes to toilet humor and laughing at other people’s misery (also our own misery wtf). But my son was crying his eyes out, so I swallowed my giggles and asked him, “Why? Why are you crying?”
“Because I don’t want people to laugh at me!” *cries*
*coughing to subdue laughter* “No way! Nobody is going to laugh at you!”
“How do you know?”
“Because only Mommy can laugh at you. If anyone else laughs at you, I’ll scold them.” Said while pinching my own nose so I wouldn’t laugh.
And he sniffled and nodded like the trusting lamb he is.
So that left the little matter of him being pantless. I certainly didn’t want to ask him to roam around without pants because he’s all of five years old and very aware of the concept of shame. But I knew what to do.
Other people might consider this a problem, but not to this family wtf. My kids bring the weirdest things out with them but that day Fighter had brought with him what would turn out to be the best solution to our problem.
Normally Doggie Dog Dog is always brought along with us, non negotiable one wtf. But this time, Fighter also decided to take along his old lunch bag which he called Doggie’s luggage…. packed full of Fighter’s own old underwear WTF. He said those were Doggie’s outfits.
So Fighter ended up wearing a pair of underpants formerly belonging to Doggie Dog Dog formerly belonging to himself. Hahahahaha.
To solve the issue of no jeans, I decided to just grab him and hotfoot it over to the nearest kids’ clothing store. We found a great pair of skinny jeans for him, and while it cannot be used for Chinese New Year anymore, it looks really nice on him, and most importantly, we preserved his dignity hahahaha.
But let’s backtrack a little. Doggie Dog Dog’s suitcase was back at the restaurant so I called Mummy Ooi to come save us. She came bearing the bag and a skipping Penny at her side.
While Mummy Ooi helped Fighter on with his underpants, Penny declared she had to pee.
So I brought her to the next stall, which had a squatting toilet in it. Penny’s new school has mostly squatting toilets and I’d taught her how to squat and pee so I wasn’t too worried about her. She got up and squatted over the toilet with ease.
Unfortunately, she didn’t back up enough so when she started peeing, her pee also missed the toilet with ease and hit my shoes and legs FML.
Luckily my shoes were relatively waterproof but still. *anguish* Some more had to remain calm cos I don’t want her to panick and spray even more haphazardly LOLOL.
Calmly wiped off her shoes, my shoes and my legs and then sprayed everything with our trusty Softaman spray.
And then we calmly walked over to Next to get Fighter his new jeans.
So thanks chudwens (how Penny says ‘children’) wtf. For giving me the chance to be covered in your bodily secretions. Also for teaching me unconditional love. Lolol.
As they say, shit happens. Especially with kids. ^^