I go back to the city for the first time in two years and find that everything is the same.  And yet very different.

We bypass most of Chinatown and all of the student eateries and head into quaint little restaurants tucked into side roads that I’ve never seen before.  Instead of hanging out in cafes on the street and counting out change to pay for their drink, we go to eat steak and everyone fights to pay the bill.  I recognize all the restaurants and buildings but everything’s different now that I’m an adult.

We go out of the city to see kangaroos and feed wombats.  Charlotte, David and Grace’s baby cries in the car and for once, I don’t mind. Go to watch Australian football with beer and a meat pie.

I tell people that I can’t remember how to get around the city though I’ve been here twice before.  I don’t expect this, I don’t remember remembering, but in actual fact, every time I pass a familiar building or shop, I get a hard bitter feeling in my stomach.  So many memories here and the strongest ones are unhappy.  This is where he sat next to her and teased her with me sitting opposite.  This is where he sat next to me but exchanged secret looks with her across the table.  This is the club he carried her out from when she was passed out drunk and left me to carry her purse.  This is the street we walked on because he said he wanted to make it up to me after weeks of neglect, but ran off halfway to work, leaving me to find my way home.

So I take it out on the person who never deserved it.  I stiffen when he makes a joke and blink back tears if he doesn’t sit next to me.  He is going to hurt me too.  IHe’s going to do the same to me.  I am paranoid as hell now because before I dismissed my fears.

Same city, but different.  Different shops, different food.  Different company, a different older me.  And I have to remind myself, a so very different him.