I go back to the city for the first time in two years and find that everything is the same. And yet very different.
We bypass most of Chinatown and all of the student eateries and head into quaint little restaurants tucked into side roads that I’ve never seen before. Instead of hanging out in cafes on the street and counting out change to pay for their drink, we go to eat steak and everyone fights to pay the bill. I recognize all the restaurants and buildings but everything’s different now that I’m an adult.
We go out of the city to see kangaroos and feed wombats. Charlotte, David and Grace’s baby cries in the car and for once, I don’t mind. Go to watch Australian football with beer and a meat pie.
I tell people that I can’t remember how to get around the city though I’ve been here twice before. I don’t expect this, I don’t remember remembering, but in actual fact, every time I pass a familiar building or shop, I get a hard bitter feeling in my stomach. So many memories here and the strongest ones are unhappy. This is where he sat next to her and teased her with me sitting opposite. This is where he sat next to me but exchanged secret looks with her across the table. This is the club he carried her out from when she was passed out drunk and left me to carry her purse. This is the street we walked on because he said he wanted to make it up to me after weeks of neglect, but ran off halfway to work, leaving me to find my way home.
So I take it out on the person who never deserved it. I stiffen when he makes a joke and blink back tears if he doesn’t sit next to me. He is going to hurt me too. IHe’s going to do the same to me. I am paranoid as hell now because before I dismissed my fears.
Same city, but different. Different shops, different food. Different company, a different older me. And I have to remind myself, a so very different him.
Comments (53)
ve nothing intelligent to say, but *hugs you*
T______________T i wanna hug you so tight you feel like your ribs will crack wtf
no seriously, i want to.
sad memories will not stay with you forever!
and remember, the one who cherish you the most will not do the same.we all know that, right? =)
Must be a terrible, terrible experience..but look on the bright side. Everything IS different now 🙂
*hugs* T____T
<3
Awww… next time you feel sad, just think about “the sofa incident” at Westin.
“so i take it out on a person who never deserved it” wtf gave me goosebumps cos i’m stuck doing the same exact thing.
but at least u created new memories! we went to cafe sienna together wtf.
GOD is fair…After all the sufferings, ‘Blessed are those who waits’. You are now ‘given’ the best in TT 🙂
ppl tend to follow patterns coz it is supposedly “familiar and safe”
usually this works with some things in life coz predictability soothes us.
but of course, this pattern would be bad bad bad with bad experiences. so, do be mindful of yourself carrying out the same actions or else u’ll be stuck in a vicious cycle.
seeing that you realise that it is all NOT the same, i guess u’ll be fine. good luck! =)
let bygones be bygones, right now, you have a very fabulous boyfriend and all of us gals really envy you for that (i just can’t shake of the thought of tim renting the whole shoe shop for you and letting you pick whatever shoes you want).
should be happy you have someone with you now. i’m stuck loving someone who will never love me back the same way. and it hurts.
hmm…what a sad story…dont really know what to say about that…i cant really handle things like this….try to think of some happy things instead…hope it will be better…
i know how it feels to know a city because of someone. i know how it feels to get hit by memories so distant you thought you have forgotten them. i know how it feels to be afraid to walk the same path and do the same things.
but i also know how it feels for all that to be overridden. it doesn’t matter so much that it’s a different person – what matters is that you’re a different you.
*huggies*
at least u have a very good boyfriend now that simply adore and love u…trust me…EVERY GIRL in the blogosphere is envy of u!
memories from the past often hurts…thats why they are in the past…and not in your future!
*hugsss*
your present one is so muchy betta than da ex… *envy*
*Hugs*
U’ve found someone better.. no, the BEST now.. =)
Tim would never treat u like that!!!
Aww.. not sure what to say, but, make new happy memories in the city so the old unhappy ones become insignificant.. *hugz*
hugs hugs =) sayang audrey *pat your head*
*hugs* dont think of the past, instead learn from it and look to the future 🙂
*huuuuuuuugs*
i love you audie
That’s the worst thing eh? The bad memories. I can’t even look at a Mars bar cake without thinking about this girl that I really loved (perhaps the only one I loved?).
Cheer up Aud! You’re in good hands now! 🙂
i felt the same to Shanghai.
well, we all deserve better, that is why god seperated us into diff journey of life.
*hugz!
I get that feeling sometimes. But then I knock myself in the head and try to remember that terrible men who made our past terrible do not deserve the right to ruin our futures, too.
Right now is what matters, Audrey. And your Right Now is a pretty darn nice fella. =) *hug*
Heys Auds,
Things from the past and such painful times can only make us a stronger n better. We have no control in the way people treat us, only the way we treat them so i pray that in time, your hurt will heal and that you will learn to be brave to know that you are each day a better person from your past, yesterday. *hugs*
btw… i think you may know my cousin… Krystle…possibly…
Cheers
<3<3
all things happen for a reason =)
awwwww babie *hugs.
but hahahaha exchanging secret looks. reminds me of thailand and our card nights teeeheee WTF
🙂
yo babe, i totally feel d same. heck, i can’t even sit down on a particular couch at 2am watching the Asian Food Channel or Miami Ink anyone. cos i used to do it with him. and when i see that same model of car he used to drive, i turn away.
nostalgia sucks, esp if it ended a bad one.
*hugs*
If you want to forget sad memories, the best way to make new ones that will replace the bad ones! A friend told me that 🙂
All will be better, cheer up! (*hug!)
*big hug*
Life has to go on. =)) At least you are happy now. It’s the past that shaped us. It’s the past that tells us what we should do and what we shouldn’t. It’s the past that teaches us to appreciate. Look at it as a learning experience, at least you know the one beside you now is different.
=)) You’ll be fine. *hugs* (if you let random girl hug you. =P)
i sayang you a lot, love!!!!!
mwaaaaaaahhhhh. <3 <3 <3
here. kleenex. don’t drop it in the toilet bowl ar.
it’s ok to feel down n sad. for a while. coz without all those painful moments, we may not appreciate our blessings today. *hugs*
Oh you write so beautifully!
never thought so young you been through so many things already bao bao~~
wish we could wipe off all the bad memories with wet wipes hehehe…
Concentrate on the happy memories you made last time!! Like when we went to the haunted jail wtf and took pictures of us doing morning exercise ala prisoners WTF.
And all the new memories you will make this time! <3
bear hugs!!!
*cubit cheeks* smile 🙂
hugs hugs.. we make new memories with the cute round wombat ok?
replace the old memories of that place wit new pleasant ones so u can go backkkkkkkkkkk n enjoy it ;pppp
it really is waste to let sum1 ruin a whole country for u ;p
hang in there miss;p
*huGs*
*huGs*
*huGs*
*huGs*
Don’t be sad Audrey.
Come I comfort you
*Rubbs furball self on Audrey’s leg*
o dear audrey… trust me, it happened 2 me at oz too. he held my hands & said, “i do this to my mother & sister too; does that mean i wanna marry them?” T_T
Many years back when the show Ripleys Believe it or not was a hit, I used to watch it together with an ex. When we broke up, I never watch it anymore. I really liked that show and so after a few months when I was almost over him, I tried watching it again. But only for less than a minute tho’. It reminds me so much of how we use to watch the show on this couch and he would give me smooches during advertisements. The memory was still so vivid and each time I think of it, it feels like my heart is 50 kg heavier. I still really do love him even after so many years. 🙁
Cheer up! It may sound cliche and all, but there’s always rainbows after the storm!
aww…audrey, i must say, I am so glad for you now that you have tim. I am sure he will give u happiness. I can feel it from his blog. ^^
hi…just went through the exact same thing at singapore; he did the same thing with her. wish i have the strength to move on like u did. hugs to u! ur bf now is the luckiest man and he seems to know it too! 🙂
aud, i have never experienced anything like this (yet, and hopefully not ever) but upon reading this beautifully written passage i could feel the pain in my heart and i can not imagine how hard it must have been for you.
look on the bright side and you will realize that you are much stronger than you think you are.
i send my love your way.