Don’t actually feel like writing a serious post today but I think I should put it out there.
Today I had a very enjoyable dinner with a bunch of other Mount Holyoke alums. The Malaysian alums try to make it a point to meet … I dunno a few times a year.
Anyway, we were all sharing what we’d been up to lately, where we were working now, when it hit me.
I had nothing to share wtf.
More specifically, I had nothing to share which I felt was on par with what everyone else was doing. Don’t get me wrong — it definitely wasn’t a “I’m doing this so I’m more awesome than you” thing but Mount Holyoke women have a tendency to be… well, amazing.
One friend is on the Malaysian Bar Council, another is at Khazanah, a third is a financial journalist while the fourth is in politics.
And what am I doing? Blogging and being pregnant wtf.
I experienced a huge sense of inadequacy. This was not the trigger though, lately I have been feeling that… I’m not doing enough, and this just reinforced it.
I guess a number of factors brought this on. I’d already left my full time job for a year and while I am used to it — and love my current flexibility — I am increasingly feeling that because I’m not at a 9 to 5 office job, I’m not a contributing/useful member of society wtf.
It’s not that I’m not doing work. I am, although granted not as much as I did before and definitely a lot more relaxedly, and I earn comfortably more than what I used to. I still do work in social media, I blog and I run Foruchizu with Cheesie.
But it feels insubstantial. Frivolous. I’m not producing anything. I’m not changing the world. I’m not helping anyone. All I’m doing is essentially GET PEOPLE TO BUY STUFF. Social media marketing = convince people to buy stuff. Blog for living = ask people to buy stuff. Foruchizu = buy our stuff.
If I died tomorrow, would the world really care? No, because there will be no significant impact.
*tones down drama
The weird thing is, this started after I got pregnant. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, especially Fighter’s future and I keep thinking that I need to be someone that Fighter can look up to! Someone who he would be proud of. I don’t think I’ve got that down at all. Fatty’s got all his achievements sorted so he’s good wtf. If I were Fighter and I looked at me though, I’d be like meh wtf.
I’ve also been asking myself, what’s my niche? What talents do I have? What can I do well that I can cultivate and make into a substantial achievement?
Nothing WTF.
I think I did reasonably well at my job. I blog reasonably well. I’m reasonably funny. I sleep extremely well wtf.
These are not really things to be proud of.
I’ve never won a blogging award. Funny also not super funny until can make career out of it. Sleeping well just wastes time wtf.
I need to find something. Or find myself. I don’t know.
Is this what an existential crisis feels like?
Comments (56)
hey audrey, ncongrats once again on the baby. I don’t know why you feel this way, but believe it or not, i really am envious of you. You are so cute, running your own shop, blogging and also have a loving and caring husband, on top of having awesome family and friends (i read alot about fat her hahahaha)nYou are really a useful member of the society, i really think so and i’m sure alot of people do too. Running your own business is no easy feat, and blogging? that’s even more tough!! These are enough to show your competency lor, really.nAnw, I honestly think its not a crisis, just hormones maybe…hahaha go back and rest la ok?nnIn all honestly and sincerity, I think you’re awesome and all the best to you and Tim!!!n
hi aud.. i totally get what u mean. u want sth in life so u will feel important, like u mean sth i.e. contributing to the society n etc. u knw wat, although i hv a 9 to 5 job, i still feel pretty much useless. cos im not doin sth that i love. anyways, i digress. wat i want to say is that u’re doing sth great now – through blogging. n ur Foruchizu, in a way, u’re boosting ladies’ self-esteem. i mean what other ways to be confident if not by dressing up well and stuff. u hv fans who look up to u, and to be honest, u’re an inspiration to me. reading ur blog always make me laugh n i learn to see the bright side of things. n posts like these makes u who u r, ure human with feelings. that’s what i like about u, u’re honest in ur blog posts. oh u’re SO gorgeous and super funny! So Aud, be proud of who u r, a blogger, a fashionista and an inspiration to us 😉
You know Aud, I think I am one of your older readers- I’m a Chinese American 27 year old with a 1 year old son. Right now I’m a stay-at-home mom and I feel the same way about giving my son something to look up to. I want it for myself as well; I want to pursue something bigger. Then there’s also the reality of ageism and competing for a good job with younger people. I won’t ramble about my feelings, but it’s similar to yours. Last week though, I came across teaching myself how to program. (OK this is going to sound like spam, but it’s truly coming from a fan who reads almost all your posts and is trying to be helpful): Google has free classes and Harvard posts some of its lectures online (free). LearnPythonTheHardWay is also a good resource (The one I find most helpful). You could give programming a shot.
There are too many people in the world chasing accomplishments. The measure of our success is not in the position we have in this corrupt system. We have forgotten what our real duties are. If you are giving up lots to stay at home, have a family and raise your child, you are doing the best thing in the world any woman can do not only for this generation, but the generations to come. Having a job is mediocre. Raising a child with good moral values and love is amazing. JUST DO THAT and he will always have something to look up to. xx
I really enjoy reading your blog, to give people happiness is not an easy feat. It may not seem “substantial” compared to others, but it’s something that will change people’s livesn:)nKeep up the great job! I’m so influenced by your blogging style that I can’t stop using “wtf” 😛
Well for me, what defines success is raising a good person AND something else in addition. haha