Don’t actually feel like writing a serious post today but I think I should put it out there.
Today I had a very enjoyable dinner with a bunch of other Mount Holyoke alums. The Malaysian alums try to make it a point to meet … I dunno a few times a year.
Anyway, we were all sharing what we’d been up to lately, where we were working now, when it hit me.
I had nothing to share wtf.
More specifically, I had nothing to share which I felt was on par with what everyone else was doing. Don’t get me wrong — it definitely wasn’t a “I’m doing this so I’m more awesome than you” thing but Mount Holyoke women have a tendency to be… well, amazing.
One friend is on the Malaysian Bar Council, another is at Khazanah, a third is a financial journalist while the fourth is in politics.
And what am I doing? Blogging and being pregnant wtf.
I experienced a huge sense of inadequacy. This was not the trigger though, lately I have been feeling that… I’m not doing enough, and this just reinforced it.
I guess a number of factors brought this on. I’d already left my full time job for a year and while I am used to it — and love my current flexibility — I am increasingly feeling that because I’m not at a 9 to 5 office job, I’m not a contributing/useful member of society wtf.
It’s not that I’m not doing work. I am, although granted not as much as I did before and definitely a lot more relaxedly, and I earn comfortably more than what I used to. I still do work in social media, I blog and I run Foruchizu with Cheesie.
But it feels insubstantial. Frivolous. I’m not producing anything. I’m not changing the world. I’m not helping anyone. All I’m doing is essentially GET PEOPLE TO BUY STUFF. Social media marketing = convince people to buy stuff. Blog for living = ask people to buy stuff. Foruchizu = buy our stuff.
If I died tomorrow, would the world really care? No, because there will be no significant impact.
*tones down drama
The weird thing is, this started after I got pregnant. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, especially Fighter’s future and I keep thinking that I need to be someone that Fighter can look up to! Someone who he would be proud of. I don’t think I’ve got that down at all. Fatty’s got all his achievements sorted so he’s good wtf. If I were Fighter and I looked at me though, I’d be like meh wtf.
I’ve also been asking myself, what’s my niche? What talents do I have? What can I do well that I can cultivate and make into a substantial achievement?
Nothing WTF.
I think I did reasonably well at my job. I blog reasonably well. I’m reasonably funny. I sleep extremely well wtf.
These are not really things to be proud of.
I’ve never won a blogging award. Funny also not super funny until can make career out of it. Sleeping well just wastes time wtf.
I need to find something. Or find myself. I don’t know.
Is this what an existential crisis feels like?
Comments (56)
At least fighter will know that his mummy is a kind and funny mum, one who can be both open minded yet serious when she have to (like now). Don’t fret, fighter will be proud of you because you will be a good mummy 🙂 smile Audrey! Stay bubbly!
well imho the achievements you mentioned above are not so important after all. You just need to be a caring wife and mom who takes good care of the familiy – the most important peoples in your life. I believe fighter will feel proud of you as a good mom who shows great care for him regardless of whether you have made any great contributions to the society.
I can see you being a really great mother, so you don’t need to have like super achievements to make him look up to you. And anyway, your blog and Foruchizu are achievements don’t deny that! I followed many blogs but always ended up putting ’em aside because they’re so boring but not yours! So speak up for yourself 🙂 Hope you feel better soon! Cheers xx
Haha thank you. I understand what you’re saying but … I don’t want to be just that. :/
I can see you being a really great mother, so you don’t need to have like super achievements to make him look up to you. And anyway, your blog and Foruchizu are achievements don’t deny that! I followed many blogs but always ended up putting ’em aside because they’re so boring but not yours! So speak up for yourself 🙂 Hope you feel better soon! Cheers xx
Hi Audrey 🙂 I’m pretty sure all your readers will be devastated if you died tomorrow *choi choi*. You have so many love from them. Sure, you promote stuff. You got skills there already. Not many bloggers can have sooo many readers. Plus, if Fighter arrives in this world and mommy is busy working, you would probably regret not giving enough time for him. You’re also earning more than you used to. Don’t need to be part of the system to know you’re contributing 😉 Hope you feel better soon.
Not everyone can be very good in blogging & making people laugh and you are 🙂 You made people to read your blog..let them destress themselves from their hectic life..not everyone can do this and isn’t this your achievement already 😀
Hello Aud! I’m also a first time commentor. Anyways, I guess in such a busy society, a kid would really love to spend more time with his mum. No offense to other working mums, but they sometimes have to choose which to sacrifice (and apparently many have said they don’t bear to leave their kids after birth to go back to work). I think it’s a blessing that you’re somewhat being prepared to be a stay-at-home mom, to be the one who document your kids’ every growth and everything. And I think blogging is a job many would yearn for, so Fighter would really have been proud to have a fashionista mummy – who owns her own enterprise 🙂 doesn’t that spell “capable” all over it? Its your own success – financially dependent and happy family! Don’t like society define your success 🙂
how about your kempen sopan santun? I always dream that Malaysia can be on par with those Scandinavian countries. 🙁
Don’t be too hard on yourself, so many people would kill to be as good a blogger as you.
Obviously, you are intelligent, funny, and good with people. You have a long life ahead of you and can make an impact on your family, your community, and the world in any way you choose. It’s funny how getting together with motivated people will increase your drive to do good things. And you’re already touching the lives of strangers all over with your social media skills. So don’t feel too bad, just channel the positive energy you have in ways that make others and yourself happy! If you think of answers to the questions you have been asking yourself, write them down and brainstorm more on what you can do.
Helloo this is the first time I ever really commented on a post but Aud I think you are able to influence people much more strongly than other bloggers were able to – for me at least. You are a powerful writer and readers can relate to you very much because… I don’t know, you’re just so real and have such strong morals. Don’t underestimate and belittle those abilities of yours to reach out to others 🙂
seriously.. im facing that too. I am constantly reminded from peers how mediocre my job is and how well the others are doing when you attend such reunions. BUT you just that you don’t know how much people envy your blogging job rather than being in a council or some politics that is seen more than contributing to the society. I really love your blog to bits together with cheesie and everyone else, you bring such joy to readers all the time that you may not know that its actually contributing to the lives of people in society. something more similar to being a celebrity where they contribute by asking people to SEE them, buy their stuff too. believe me, its nothing less than working for an important council or a huge bank. nncan’t wait to see fighter out in the world~ continue fighting audrey!
I think you’re a very good writer and perhaps you can write more inspirational articles as part of your aim to be ‘influential to the society’?? I think with your blog traffic and the amount of readers you’ve got you can make a very significant difference!!! 🙂 Keep it up. xxx
Maybe tell fighter that your achievement is finding him a successful daddy lol
You have fighter remember? Raising fighter to be one fine man in the society, in the future years will be your highest achievement, way higher than Tim’s haha. Best Mom Award, i would want to have the award from my son/daughter =D
Audrey, i also sometimes can think similar thing coz i also basically does nothing great too (only helping husband’s work a bit from home – seems like doing nothing except housewife works). But when i see my auntie or my grandma who is a full housewife, they’re so busy. Busy of raising up the kids, managing the time of the kids, education, food, etc. And all of the children (even me as a grandchild) cannot say that they do nothing as i when got problem in daily practical life thing (as simple as if my hand kena frying oil, what medicine should i put on), i turned to them. One day i spent full day with my auntie and i saw that she is so busy and does a lot in a day, even resting time is not much. Maybe later when Fighter is born already, you will also be super busy taking care of him so you wont feel that you do nothing awesome anymore 😉
Perhaps this book by Alain de Botton can help you find the things you are looking for or shed of lights on why you are feeling this way. nnhttp://www.alaindebotton.com/status.asp
funny how people console you ….of course it’s a noble thing to raise a child and not many will get to do it, but it’s not everything to life. you can be as great as you want. just stay determined to make a change.
Thanks! Maybe ill check it out
Thanks 🙂 that’s what I wanted to say too — being a good mom is a noble aspiration but that’s not all I want from life…
Thanks for your super long and honest comment 🙂 you’re right I just need to find something that fulfills me but leaves me with enough flexibility to be there for fighter too. nnDon’t think ill be a breast feeding advocate tho hahaha. There’s enough of them out there and I think nobody doubts the benefits of it anymore
Ya a lot of people said I might feel differently when fighter is born. But for now I can’t shake this feeling lo
Erm that’s not an achievement at all lol. Unless you’re a gold digger wtf
Ya a lot of people said I might feel differently when fighter is born. But for now I can’t shake this feeling
While it may be because you are pregnant now and all pregnant ladies tend to be very emotional and sensitive, i think it is a good thing to be able to think this way. I agree with what tutu said, being a mom is a noble thing and although it is almost an invisible reward, i felt woman could do better than just being a mother. I think that by living our live to the fullest and helping others do the same, we could be an inspiration to our children,which is even better than just being with them (which is also important of course) this is also what drives me to build my business. I hope you find your calling soon!
I feel you audrey :'( I left my jov, being promised by the ex boss that I could make more money if I worked for him, but after 2 months, I was asked to leave!! Reason – I did not find enough sales to support my own salary and he have no money to pay my salary, WTF, God why do this to me. So here am I, left with nothing, nope I was left with parents I can’t face, I am a loser… nnYou still have Tim & Fighter, Aud 🙂 Cheer up!
WTF your boss! good luck looking for a new job. on the bright side, you have a clear sight of the scope and job you already want right? 🙂
yes i feel the same way. good luck to you with your business too!
ya me too! i feel very guilty if i use fatty’s money, so my personal purchases and shopping are my own. :/
hahaha i still do tell rude or inconsiderate people off! but it’s like a drop in the ocean la wtf
hahaha well i would kill to be a better, more famous, more influential blogger. the grass is always greener
The hardest job in the world is to be a mother, nay, A WOMAN. If you work, you guilt over the kids you leave behind ( like me). If you take care of the kids, you guilt over your capacity and monetary issue. Then on top of that, you have OTHER WOMEN beating you senseless if you pick either stay at home or keep working. nThis self doubting will go on and on, until wake up in the middle of the night also guilt for nothing *cries*. SO I think the only way to it is just to appreciate what we have on hands, take it in a step of a time and JUST BE.
Aw audrey, for what it’s worth you’re my favourite blogger and you make me happy 🙂
At present, I’m actually doing what I’ve yearned to do since my undergrad years. Got my masters degree and serving the nation through a government agency, believing it’s the noble thing to do. My peers envy me. But after more than two years, I realize it’s killing me. Yes I’m serving my country, but at the same time, this isn’t me!nnI’ve come to realize that you don’t need to be in a serious job to contribute to something good. We’re too accustomed with how our elder generations measure success. You can touch people’s lives and bring positivity directly through social media and I think that’s a great thing, Audrey.
I would say that having a successful clothing line is something VERY impressive, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. How many girls that are into fashion and have blogshops are not able to have what you have? I also bet none of those alums were ever on the cover of Seveteen magazine. So you don’t contribute to politics or finance? So what? You contribute to another very important part of society, and you do it well. I would say fighter would be very, very, very proud of you!
also, you are a business owner who helps fuel the economy and, most importantly, you do something you LOVE doing. You left the rat race to pursue your passion and that is the most important thing you can teach your son!
I like u the best Audrey. Bcos u were a science student that found your calling in the fashion/blogging industry. I find u ahead of your time! Why be ordinary when u can be extraordinary? Pls tell fighter your are a well respected retail therapist with years of experience and many clients/patients. nFML why does international postage cost so damn friggin much?
This is not an existential crisis feels like. This is what your hormones did to you.nNow go back to sleep =P
What about us?? If you did die tomorrow, your faithful readers would care. You have made an impact on us! Reading your blog has cheered me up, inspired me, and made me laugh A LOT. You make a big difference, it’s just not easy for you to see it. Your faithful readers will vouch for your awesomeness to your son!
wahhh.. ur current life now is all my die-hard amway friends want lehh..
Lololol
I agree, this is just hormones messing with your brain and heart. 🙂 give it time… You’ll be a great mother.
P.S Hormones do this to me too.
Are you from mhc too!!! What year!!!
and fighter is famous too xD
I’ve always been reading your blog since back in blogdrive days and it’s the only blog i’ve been following non-stop, this long. It’s like a never ending Harry Potter book ( I was hell depressed when the Harry Potter saga ended ). Reading your posts cheered me up a whole lot during sad, mundane, unmotivated days, and also gave me ideas and inspiration to be funny! If that’s not giving back to society, I don’t know what it. I guess it may be summarized that what good we do for society is to make a better society, and a better society is a happier society. nnI bet you’ve brightened up a whole lot of people’s days. And it’s not easy. nI also have a friend whose mum is a hardworking strong woman. His inspiration is his mum. n
Hi Audrey, first of all congrats on being pregnant. I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal, not because you are pregnant, but because there will always be a time in life for each and every one of us to inquire about our self and our lives inwardly or from within. And it usually happens around this age, or perhaps later on. It is a natural of us humans to self-inquire, because after all the worldly experience, we will eventually come to a halt, and then decide our next step in life or find out what we are meant to do in this lifetime. On a diff note, we both went to the same school, so congrats once again. It’s nice to know that you are doing well and glowing. =)
Well Audrey, you changed many lives, including mine. If that’s not enough I don’t know what is.
I just want you to know reading your blog makes me happy. Hugs