Last night was one of the scariest nights for us so far.
Too tired to write right now but I wanted to document this part of our journey so I asked Fatty to take dictation from me. Here’s what happened last night:
1) Went into the bathroom to pee when I wiped fresh blood came off the tissue paper in gushes.
2) We called the nurses who immediately transferred me to the labour room.
3) I also started having contractions which were coming at intervals of every 4-5 minutes. They put me on a new blood pressure drug which also works to stop contractions. Â I was in premature labor.
4) One hour later the medicine slowed down the contractions a bit but not enough. Â By then, they were coming every 10 minutes.
5) Got injected with steroids in case the contractions couldn’t be stopped and Fighter had to come out in the next couple of days. Steroids is a way to accelerate the development of the baby’s lungs.
6) When the medicine didn’t work to bring down the contractions, they decided to sedate me to relax my whole body and hopefully also relax my uterine muscles and stop the contractions. This was at 6AM.
7) I passed out until late today and thankfully by the time I woke up the bleeding and contractions had both stopped *throws confetti*.
8) The bleeding is suspected to be from a marginal placental abruption, which means that the placenta is bleeding or tore away from my uterus wall a bit. Â So the next step is to just delay Fighter’s delivery until the second steroid injection is administered, which is tonight. After that whenever my body goes into labour again, we won’t fight it, and I will deliver Fighter.
I asked Fatty to help me update my blog with this but he came back with a letter to me instead. He seems in the mood for writing letters after he wrote one to Fighter yesterday on his blog. I asked him if he’s okay to publish it and he said ok so here it is.
————
Dear Shorty,
The past 12 days have been difficult. I know we expected that the road to having kids wouldn’t be an easy one for us, but I’m sure neither of us imagined we would be tested so hard. I have a confession though and since I’m to embarrassed to tell you myself, maybe I’ll just write you.
You see while the past 12 days have been difficult, the past 24 hours had been one of the toughest for me. I knew that from the moment you told us you had vaginal bleeding that it wasn’t going to be an easy night but I was prepared. Every day I remind myself how difficult this must be to you and so I push myself to be that rock of support that you need.
So when there was blood, I stayed calm and called the nurses in. When they tested you and found out that you were in labour, I told you not to worry because there will be ways to slow it down. When you were worried that there won’t be enough time to administer the steroids to accelerate the development of Fighter’s lungs, I confidently brushed it off and said there will be. And when they finally gave you the injection, I squeezed both your hands with mine so that you would know I’m with you.
By the time I reached home that night I was so tired I was walking into walls. I couldn’t sleep though. I was up for a long time, eager for tomorrow to come so I could go to see our Doctor and ask her what was going on.
The next morning when I walked into your room you were fast asleep. The nurse had told me they had sedated you to bring down the contractions and you would be asleep until noon. I saw an eyelid of yours move when I came in so I knew you were awake, You then mumbled, telling me that you had been sedated. I sat around for a while then I decided that since you were asleep I would go to work first and come back 6 hours later when you were awake. But before I left I had to see our Doctor.
So while you were asleep I walked across to our Doctor’s clinic. I will always remember the look she had on her face when I walked in. It was a look of worry. For the first time throughout this episode she looked worried. She went on to tell me how the bleeding was from a part of your placenta and that’s what caused your body to go into labour. That she had managed to slow it down so we have time for the steroid injections to take effect but the situation was unpredictable. She was sure we wouldn’t last another 4 weeks as we had planned and even at 30 weeks, Fighter is way too premature but at least we managed to hold it off for two weeks. The only thing we could do… was pray. I thanked her… grateful that we had such a good caring Doctor during this difficult time and left her clinic.
It had began to drizzle when I started walking to my car in the open-air car park. I knew I was supposed to go to the office but my mind was all over the place. For the first time throughout this episode I felt like there was nothing I could do to make this better. No amount of money, no amount of time I spent with you, no amount of research and no amount of medical care could make this situation any better.
Then as I sat in my car my Father called. He asked me what was wrong with you and in my car in that open-air car park I broke down and cried. For the first time in many many years I cried, not just man tears or anything but the faggoty “uhuk uhuk” crying you hate seeing other guys do (Fuckin pussy… I hate myself for that). I didn’t know what else to do and how else to help you. I spent the next 10 minutes in the car trying to compose myself.
After I pulled myself together I decided that I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I didn’t want to run away from the problem. So I got out my car and walked back into the hospital. I’m glad I did, because when I got to your bedside again you whispered that you were hungry but was too weak to eat or call for help. So I had the chance to help you up and feed you.
When I think back now I realize now why I had that moment of weakness. As much as you often tell me how I am a rock to you, the truth is… even in this difficult time you are a rock to me too. And this morning when you were sedated I felt like I had lost you. That I was all alone.
If there is one thing good that I feel this experience has brought us is that it has tested our relationship and got me to understand how we depend on each other in so many ways. How I rely on your strengths just as much as you rely on mine.
I told Dad and Mum today over dinner…. that somehow, after going through this experience… I feel that I love you even more.
Sincerely,
Skinny (Or Fatty…. poh-tay-toh poh-tah-toh what’s the difference?)
Comments (236)
I read your blog all the time but this is the first time I’m commenting…nI just wanna say… Stay strong you all… Tim, you and fighter!!! I hope prayer from a stranger (me~!) will work! 🙂
Stay strong guys, hold on tight, u guys can do it, be strong fighter… May all my blessing go to the 3 of u~
Hi Audrey, this is my first comment after being a silent reader of yours for a number of years now. Thank you for consistently updating your blog, entertaining us with your words. This is definitely a hurdle for botb Tim & yourself and i know whatever comments to you now are just another consolation perhaps & none of us here truely understand what you are going through.nnI hope though you can gather the strength and brave through this storm for I believe a kind hearted soul like you will have a happy ending. Keep it up Audrey! I look forward to reading posts of you & the new happy addition in the family.
I shed tears as I was reading both letters by Fatty to Shorty and Fighter. Sorry for being emo. The content were very touching. You guys must be strong…And to Fighter..please hang on okay.nGod bless!
audrey, you will be alright.Baby will be alright too! Stay strong!!!
Stay strong Tim and Audrey..
Stay strong aud! It was so touching and it somehow inspired and remind me to be more caring and loving towards my beloved. We all will pray for aud, Tim n J M tiah!
Your silent reader through these years, also a paediatrician who has worked with premature babies, a 30 weeker would be not too much of a worry. He would need some medical support until he is about term and most 30 weeker would do okay compared to if he is much younger. Stay strong and try to talk to mothers who have premature babies to know that you are not alone in this situation.
love, strength, prayers to tim, audrey and fightern
Hi Aud & Tim, I am not married and not pregnant yet but I feel so touched reading both of your posts. I hope you guys stay strong. I am sure Fighter is fighting as hard as you both do! Hang in there! 🙂
I cried so much after reading this :'( You’re so fortunate to have each other! I hope Fighter will be delivered safe and healthy. Of course, you must be safe and healthy too wtf pls.
praying for both you and fighter!
Dear Audrey,may god bless you and I sincerely pray to god that may you and fighter stay all well n good!hugs!
*sobs*nGracious Father, Your Word, spoken in love, created the human family and Your Son, conceived in love, restored it to Your friendship. Hear the prayers of Audrey, who awaits the birth of her child. Calm her fears when she is anxious.nWatch over and support her and bring her child into this world safely and in good health, so that as members of Your family she may praise You and glorify You through Your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, now and forever. Amen.nnI’m not a Christian not sure if you are but hopefully this prayer will help you. You gotta be strong Fighter. Don’t give up. May God bless your whole family.
Oh dear 4ft9 & Fatty, we all praying for you! Thank you for sharing this story. Hang in there, you guys! GBU3!!! xoxo
hang in there Audrey, you, Fighter, and old Tim here will make a beautiful family
Hug hug Audrey…. Figther pls stay as long as you can in mummy… Tim, hug hug to you too… Wil continue to pray for your…
Hi Tim and Audrey, I am a mum myself with a 18 month old baby.As a new parents, having a support group really help me a lot as to learn from other parents’s experience. You may really consider to join this group- “Malaysia Miracle Babies” which is a closed group in FB for premature babies. Do pm the admin and let them know your concerns. Hope this helps…
dont worry tim and aud. fighter be fine! I had a dream that fighter was delivered and he look pretty healthy! is a gd sign 🙂
Hi aud and time and fighter, The Lord always is the best doctor ever. Have faith in Him and sure miracle will happened soon. God bless you all!
am usually a silent reader but this post really touched my heart. :'( be strong Tim and Aud! will always keep you guys in my prayers. continue fighting on!
Pray that everything will be fine for you and Fighter! Will be keeping you in my prayers 🙂
Hi Audrey and Tim, I’m praying for your safety and health. I found a link on babies born at 30th weeks and how they are now ie. happy and healthy! I hope this motivates you:nhttp://www.lilaussieprems.com.au/then-now-photos-babies-born-at-30-weeks/nKeep Calm and Carry On.
Saya doakan yang terbaik for both of you 🙂 I’ve been following this blog for years and I would like to lend my love, support and prayers for both of you…Semoga Fighterdan Audrey akan selamat dan sihat
All the best to you and family. Take good care!
Be strong all 3 of you. You can get through this.nHopefully Fighter stays in for as long as he can.. be strong little one.n
be strong….everything will be alright…
Hang in there! I hope Fighter stays in as long as possible, and I also hope that years from now when he’s old enough to understand what labour means he will discover this blog entry and fondly learn about how much mum went through for him 🙂
its so touching I almost cry. Hang in there fighter. My prayers goes to you, good luck and take good care.
Dear Audrey,nnAll the best and please stay strong. My prayers with your family.
Teared reading this post. My prayers goes to you 2 and fighter. Tim, take good care of yourself too while Audrey needs you by her side.
pls stay strong.. rmbr the secret.. theres so many of us out there praying for u and with the secret power I believe fighter will turn out strong.. I strongly believe and I visualize it.. stay strong!
extremely touching audrey…. fighter must be so so proud of his parents! stay strong!!! 🙂
audrey and bb.. pls stay strong… tim.. u too.. !neverything will be turned out ok
Stay strong! pray for you and fighter! <3
I teared while reading Fatty’s letter too… its so touching and heartbreaking to see you guys fight together. I just want to say ‘hang on’ to three of you, as well as all the family members and friends that stand behind you. I will keep you guys in my prayers. Please all be safe!
Stay strong!!! Everything will be fine. Pray for you here
Dear Audrey and TimnPlease talk to your doctor about magnesium sulphate infusion, it will help protect your baby’s brain. I am an obstetrician in Australia, and we do it routinely now. Tim , please consider transferring her to a hospital with neonatal intensive care if the doctors at the hospital is not confident caring for prem babies. If she bleeds again she must be delivered, or they will both be in more danger. Finally, Nifedipine is contraindicated in APH because it can worsen the abruption.
All the best you two. It will ll turn out fine 🙂
Stay Strong Audrey! You will be fine~ nFighter will be a fighter that will fight till the end.nHang in there <3
Stay strong Audrey & Tim *hugs*
Dear Orr See,nRemember me? Tim’s letter made my eyes moist. I hope everything would turn out well for you and your baby in the end. *gives you a big bear hug
I read Timothy’s letter on his blog and criednThen I read his letter to you and cried againnSending well-wishes your way *hugs*
Stay strong aud&tim!!!!! Baby Fighter also have to add oil! Pray hard for u all
Stay strong!! My prayers are always with aud and fighter. God bless…
Fighter needs a good Paediatrician to take over from Dr Theresa. Do check out Dato Dr Vernon Lee. You can call for him during labour so that Fighter won’t be under the care of on call doc. Since you are there, you can even go check out his clinic. Hang in there lil bub. Stay in there for as long possible. Take care mommy and daddy.
Everything will be alright!!!! Keep fighting and stay clam…
Hello, aud and tim. Stay strong! Xoxo
i keep coming to ur blog to read for updates on ur condition, Aud.. u have ur readers supporting and praying for u Aud, Tim & Fighter. Continue to be strong dear! u can do it! Fighter.. u must be strong for ur mummy ok? and Mummy Aud, u will be alright… don’t worry too much and relax.. Tim, u r an amazing husband and father already. I wish u all the best and i will keep praying!
It’ll be fine. My prayers to you tonight. Stay strong.