This is something I’d been feeling for some time. I’d been wanting to blog about it too but I didn’t have the time and I wasn’t sure how I wanted to put it into words. But today something happened and I thought I MUST write it down here, if only for closure’s sake.
I don’t consider myself a jealous person. It could be because Fatty gives me A LOT of security and I’ve never had any reason to doubt him (thanks Fats!) so I’ve never had to be the jealous girlfriend in our relationship. And I’ve never felt jealous or envious of friends when good things happen to them partly because I am super uncompetitive and partly because if they’re my friend the happiness I feel on their behalf usually overpowers any feelings of envy I might have.
So when Fighter came along, I was totally unprepared for this huge wave of possessiveness and jealousy that engulfed me.
I’m lucky enough to have had a confinement lady for 1.5 months, and that Fatty got us a maid who lives with us to assist in the caring of the baby. Both were/are awesome – the confinement auntie did everything I expected and other things I didn’t even expect of her, and our maid has been fantastic with Fighter; she genuinely seems to care about him and takes a lot of pleasure in taking care of him.
But instead of feeling grateful or relieved, everyday I struggled with this ugly jealousy. The confinement auntie has done this for 17 years and our maid has 5 kids of her own so they’re obviously a lot more experienced than I am in handling babies. In the early days when Fighter got home, if he cried I couldn’t get him to calm down, but the minute the auntie picked him up he quietened down instantly and went to sleep. I felt inadequate and useless, even though it was my confinement and she was helping me.
And when the auntie went home, my jealousy stemmed from the maid instead. Like I said, she really seemed to like Fighter plus in retrospect I think she’s just trying to do a good job, so she observed how the auntie took care of him, and when the auntie left, she just picked up and did EVERYTHING for him.
I’d wake up in the morning with bursting boobs and find that she’d already bathed and gave him his morning feed. And instead of being busy with baby, all I had to do was lock myself up in the room and pump milk. Maybe that sounds like heaven for some women, but it drove me crazy. I WANTED to do all these for him but a stranger was doing all this, and way better than I was!
In retrospect, all this was easily resolvable because it was just a matter of managing her; she’s under our employment after all. And it’s a good problem to have because she’s just being overzealous and passionate about her duties lol. Wouldn’t it be much worse if she hated Fighter and neglected him? I talked to Wendy about this and that’s what she told me, but I struggled to see this.
The green monster of jealousy really blinded me wtf. When she bathed baby, she robbed me of the experience. When she bottle fed him, she took away my bonding time with him and relegated me to being a cow wtf.
Eventually, as we both got used to things we worked out a schedule of sorts. I do all feeds when I’m at home and I fixed Fighter’s bath times so I could make sure to be around for them. I do the night feeds as well, except for one because I hate pumping milk and if I have to wake up in the middle of the night, I might as well feed Fighter myself than pump.
And to her credit, I think she sensed my insecurity and made sure to defer to me or get my approval before doing anything.
And yet the possessiveness persisted. Fighter started learning to smile, and he seemed to smile at everyone except me!!! Even worse, he always smiled when he saw her. I nearly went mad wtf.
I searched “how will my baby know who his mother is” and “what if baby loves nanny more” so much until I think it’s saved on my phone already wtf. (it’s a common topic in forums I guess a lot of mothers feel this way FOL) Results seemed inconclusive – articles said he will recognize mother’s voice from inside the womb. But then how!!! I also talk to my maid what maybe he hears her voice and thinks that’s his mom leh!!!
I let it slip to my dad that I was worrying about this and he assured me that children will always know who their parents are, and that they know by the voice, smell and heartbeat. My grandma raised Ooib when he was a baby and he was super attached to her, but at the end he still knows who his mother is. I wasn’t sure about the first part but the second convinced me – if my brother still doesn’t know our mom I’ll eat my hat wtf.
Nevertheless, the feelings of insecurity still nagged at me although I told myself to stay rational and did my best to banish these thoughts to the back of my head.
But then, in the past week or two, Fighter has been smiling more and more…. and best of all, the minute he sees me now, he breaks out in the most beautiful toothless grin you’ve ever seen. :))))))))))))
Ok la I think he just smiles when he sees any human because he’s just an attention whore like that. Lol. But I somehow think… he smiles the most when he sees me now. 🙂
And today while visiting my grandparents in Penang, Fighter got cranky and started wailing. My mom tried to soothe him but he was having none of it.
So I asked her to pass him to me. And when I held him, he snuggled against my chest and fell quiet right away.
He knows his momma!!!!!
My finest moment yet wtf.
I was bursting with pride but I was like act cool, act cool.
Maybe he just likes me holding him, I dunno. But it’s amazing to know that after all the craziness and slogging day by day, he knows me and maybe loves me as much as I love him. 🙂
Comments (44)
I can totally relate to this. My son is young like yours, he’s just 3 months old this week and he was premmie too. My mum and my in laws have been around to help a lot but when they see I am struggling and they move in to help I feel inadequate sometimes. Especially if he is very unsettled and I cannot calm him and as soon as my mum takes him he stops wailing. I know they are only doing their best to help me but sometimes I’m disheartened a little despite the great help everybody has been.
i’ve always been a silent reader but i just want to tell you this. what’s yours is yours. no one can take it away from you. soon, fighter will grow, learn and be mature enough to know that you are the only person that will ever be his mother. there is always a special place and longing for parents in each and everyone’s heart. he might just be pai seh to show it cos you shower him with so much love! babies these days, so young already know how to be pai seh. :p
My maid took care of my brother and i since we were born. My brother always got pampered by her. But after 16 years. We still know who our momma is ^^ we favourite our mum more too
i can totally understand how u feel!!! i’m having it too!! my daughter is very much attached to my nanny’s family members and they always get to experience all her first with her instead of me experiencing it.. but in the end of the day she’s still happy to see me once i go fetch her after work.. but their childhood time is very short.. spending more time with them is the most important thing.. T.T
i woke up in the morning with bursting boobs … hahahahan
I can totally comprehend how you are feeling. The green eye monster sets in when you see your baby snuggling up and smiling at others but not you. However, whenever the critical period arrives, diaper changing or feeding time, they somehow will soothe down when it is the daddy or mummy carrying.nI guess this is what they meant by our baby will know who are their parents and will take care off and protect them. nnCherios!nHappy Holidays Audrey & Tim. 🙂
Hi Audrey, can I have the contact of the confinement lady that take care of fighter. I m very headache on getting a good confinement lady
a girl friend of mine was telling me this recently – how moms (especially new moms / first time moms) get incredibly territorial and possessive over off-spring like they just have to be there for every little “milestone” but then over time, with more kids, it might change. lol. fret not, it’s a positive kind of frustration i’d say. i mean, at least you really want to be a good momma! nnhooray smiley toothless fighter <3nhappy one month to him! /confetti
Hi Audrey ,baby will naturally know his mother ,=)))and before 5month ,babies are not attach with anybody yet ,they can handle by anyone.so dot worry ,fighter still love u the most ,most important is after 5mths ,they will start to build attachment ,so on the time u can spend more times with fighter so that he can build attachment on you
Haha, i was once at your stage whereby my mum was helping me to take care of my baby during my confinement as i am having some really bad issue with the wound underneath so i really need ample of rest.Because of that, my daughter was so attached to my mum that she wouldnt allow me to carry her or hush her when she cry!! I was so down and bad temper during that times that i actually scold my mum not to attend to her needs and i will be there for her 24hours just to ensure she knows who her mother is. Till now, i know whatever things i did eariler on was in vain as she is going 2 years old now, follows me like my ‘ tail ‘ whenever i goes. So its really fine with you feeling that way now. Slowly you will realise you want some privacy space instead! Haha!!n
“I was bursting with pride but I was like act cool, act cool” HAHAHAHAA, can totally imagine how you looks like that day..LOL nNo worries, I’m sure Fighter know who is the mother because only the mother will wake up countless time in the middle of night to feed him. Somemore from a person who before Fighter will never get out of bed in the middle of the night even if there was a thief broke in. HAAHAHAAAA
i understand the feeling.nmy son rather kissed his aunt,grandpa than kissing me when he was a baby.nn:)nas time goes by, he knows me:)nnhttp://biglovehome.blogspot.com/n
Lovely pics 🙂
Your entry total express how I feel towards my mil.
Exactly how I felt! I did not latch baby due to my husband and mil not being very supportive.nThey prefer me to express it out so that they know how much the baby drinks.nSo along time is spend on sleeping and expressing during my maternity leavenAnd becos I already need to wake up every now and then to express milk. I took the night feeds.nIn the day time I’m busy catching sleep and expressing milk.nMy mil will feed himnSo in the end , I realized he smile at my mil and look at me blankly.nI was super upset!nI went back to work and realized the situation got worsenI think I’m paranoid cos In the end I took no pay leave to stay at home to take care and spend time with him for another one month plusnHappy that he looks for me now when he is hungry though …nBetter than nothing
That’s so cute! ^^ I feel all warmy by the end of the post~nIt’s great that you are sharing your experience with us ^^nnhttp://tenshichn.blogspot.com/2013/12/032-christmas.html
hehe thanks!
Hi Audrey, totally can understand how you’re feeling. I didn’t bf my daughter and she was bottle fed all the way. I always felt that she was always smiling and playing with the nanny and stone faced at me. However, now she’s turning 3, she only wants me and no one else, it sometimes drives me up the wall. :p You’re doing a great job! Enjoy every moment~
AWWWWWWWW i wanna cry reading this wtf. cause there are some parts that are damn funny like you being a cow (can imagine you in the room all sad and alone and got pumps on all your 8 tits wtf) and when you nearly went mad hahaha, but then got some parts so sad and real also, like i can totally see why you feel that way (motherly instinct what does this mean wtf). nhonestly sometimes fighter so grumpy dunno how you can still be so sane so whether he smiles at you now or not, he’ll grow up to love you the most just because you’re probably the most patient mother i’ve seen. nok lah type so long for what see you soon. fighter better smile at me if not i will camp there more wtf
I feel badly for complaining now because at least I can stay home and work on our bond! you’re awesome for getting through this with a full time job
aww happy to hear that!
hahaha you’re his cow wtf
I think having this issue with mil is so much harder :X
only one lol
Yay!
hahaha when I cannot take it anymore the maid does the night feeds though!
glad to hear that! hehe I want fighter as my tail too
5 months ah! where did you read that? I wanna find out more
yea it’s the novelty I guess hehehe
yes please email me
so many of us feeling the same way!
hahaha your pai seh theory damn funny
thanks for the reassurance! can’t believe the maid gave her a smug look though omg if that were me I might have fired her wtf
I’m taking early childhood course,I read that from my textbook ,from birth to 4 month ,baby haven’t form their attachment ,roughly from 4-6months ,their attachment start to form ,at this time they need a consistent care giver in order to build secure attachment ,this will effect their feeling of secure,before 4month ,they actually can take care by anyone .n
happened to me too! my mum and dad where helping me look after my boy as i am a single mother and he preffered them over me. He even called gandma before he could call mummy. I cried every night!!! I swore that i will spend as much time as possible with my son and we even have bath time together everyday. Now he is 3 yrs old and he tells me i am his favorite and ‘ I love mummy in the whole world!’. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! As long as you spend as much time with your child whole heartedly, your child will love you with his/her whole heart too. 🙂
so cute!!! I hope fighter says that to me some too 🙂
Aww that’s so sweet 🙂
very good blog. we like it so much. more blog
Hi Audrey, I am a first time mummy too..I guess all mummies the same…I am not sure why,perhaps i think i scarifies a lot and my baby should closer to me than anyone else.My gal is in infant care as i am a working mother..Other than that, I take care of her most of the time with the help of my husband only .But I always notice my gal will laugh loud and babbling to her dad more often than me! It cause me jealousy too! I know I shouldn’t but still…I feel I take care and attend to her most of the time why she still not sticky to me.like u.. I hope my gal know who is her mummy too haha
Fall in love with fighter’s smiles. nnYou’ve done a great job Aud .. we are proud of you.
Hi Aud, I was about to ask you for your recommendation on your confinement lady (seems like a good one from what I read in your blog posts), aaannnnd then I came across this post, haha! I wonder if my sister (who’s gonna due in july) will face the same situation as you!. But I believe no matter how, little fellas will eventually be closer to their mummy, and I know you will be one of the best mums, looking at how much of effort you put into Fighter!
good more blog
Totally understand how u felt. I told everyone ard me abt my insecurity n jealousy but no one, not even my mum, understood. Somehow we just feel like we are not the mother if we don’t do everything for the baby. I actually hated when my elders fussed over my baby and gave advice, like as if I was incapable as a mum. Tks for sharing Audrey.
I needed to read this! Thanks for blogging so honestly even though it was many years ago!