So….. This I was definitely not expecting. Pun not intended lolol.

This is the blog post that I wanted so badly to write two months ago but had to put off until now.

Truthfully, it’s not that easy to write because we did not plan for this.  And honestly it’s been a horrifically tough time for me.  We had no thought of another child anytime yet so this was a huge adjustment in thinking that we (okay fine, I) had to get used to.

Surprise!

Yup, like I mentioned, it wasn’t planned. -_-

Skip this part if you’re squeamish wtf.  I was still breastfeeding, my period hadn’t returned since I got pregnant, and we did use protection….. and it still happened. O_O

Wah lau Fighter number 2 la this one.

So when we found out, it was a huge shock to me.  So much so that I cried LOLOL.  And not out of joy, I’m sorry to say.

Here’s how we found out

Over the most shallow thing ever!!! I was going to make an appointment for Botox and fillers with DRx wtf.  It was something I’d been putting off for two years cos of the pregnancy and then breastfeeding so I was raring to go for a smaller face wtf.

But right before I booked the appointment, I thought hmmm okay just to be sure, let me just make sure I’m not pregnant (HAHAHA that’s a good one Aud wtf) first before I get my Botox.  I had one spare pregnancy test (some more Clearblue, the expensive one) left from before so I thought okay la use it in case it expires.

So went to the bathroom, sat down and peed.  When I was testing for Fighter I stared so hard at the test I thought I’d develop Xray vision wtf but with this one I just peed, then started cleaning up before remembering I was still holding the test.

JENG JENG JENG.

Couldn’t believe my eyes.  I remember blinking hard to make sure I’m not hallucinating.  But in fact, I was so pregnant that the positive vertical line appeared way before the lighter horizontal line (and the line in the diamond window that shows the test is working).  I stared at that line wondering if I somehow misunderstood it.

My first words were, “ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?” *guilt

Fatty came running into the bathroom, I showed him the test and I burst into tears.

Fatty hugged me and asked, “why are you crying? You used to worry that you’d never have kids because of your PCOS so this is good news!”

At that moment I didn’t know why I was crying. But I was thinking, “I cannot do my Botox!!!” :X :X

When I finally managed to pull myself together I realized it’s not about the Botox.  I was crying because I thought I could finally claim my body back as my own after two whole years.  I wasn’t sustaining another human being with my uterus or my milk anymore; I was free! If I wanted to get Botox, I could without fearing it would harm my baby.  My body was my own again!  But not anymore.

Then I thought of having to start all over again – the whole pregnancy shebang, the sleepless nights, the non-stop pumping and being permanently hooked up to a fucking breast pump, the fear of colic, worrying the baby won’t latch, the spit-ups…. The near future looked as dark as the Dark Ages.

And then worst of all, the preeclampsia.  If it happens the first pregnancy, it’s likely to happen again.  And the worse and earlier you get it, the higher the chances of it recurring.  I thought of the weeks of hospitalization, the bills, the emergency C sect, and then the month of visiting a fighting infant in the NICU, and I cried more.  And I had a toddler now!  How could I easily spend weeks in the hospital away from him?  Would I be as lucky this time? If my future seemed dark earlier, now it seemed non-existent wtf.

The aftermath

My first trimester was bad.  With Fighter I had some mild nausea but no real vomiting.  With this Bump, I was throwing up every day.  After breakfast within the hour confirm vomit.  Sometimes in the evening.  Usually after a bumpy car ride.  Often at night after dinner too, or if I drank too much water (which was bad cos I was probably dehydrated).

I developed abs from all that puking.  A couple times what came up was tinged with blood probably cos I scratched my esophagus.  I puked so hard the blood vessels on my face broke fml.  And I started googling how much can I puke before my teeth start to rot wtf.

Because of all the puking (plus I was exhausted) I couldn’t carry Fighter for a while.  His weight pressing on my tummy made me feel sick and even playing peekaboo with him made me dizzy.  I asked nanny to take over the feeding cos I couldn’t even be in the same room as his porridge cos I found it damn smelly and puke-inducing.

As a result, Fighter suddenly lost attachment to me and started preferring Fatty and the nanny. T__________T

I was feeling like shit and so hormonal (and still grieving the loss of my freedom for another two years) so I cried buckets over this!  Every time he struggled to get out of my arms to Fatty or nanny, I cried.  Until Fatty even got scared of wanting to carry Fighter. 🙁

There were crazy times when I thought fine fine Fighter doesn’t want me I still have Bump *caresses bump

But I gotta say, the last three months were one of the worst of my life.  Perpetually feeling sick and vomiting daily, the stress thinking of how I was going to care for two babies, the guilt at not being happy, the fear of preeclampsia striking again, the jealousy and resentment whenever Fighter showed he preferred someone else over me… Those were harsh times wtf.

Eventually I got over it and somehow Fighter started loving me back again wtf.  My energy came back and my vomiting petered out significantly the last week!  I vomited this morning but I didn’t puke for almost a week before already.

As for the preeclampsia, my doctor put me on a daily regime of low dose aspirin which may help, although it’s not 100% fool proof.

When I visited the doctor two weeks ago and she scanned me, I saw Bump doing what looked like situps in my uterus. Lolol.  Training up your physique to meet Mommy hor, Bump?

I fell in love.

Taken at 14 weeks

Bump,

If you ever read this, don’t think that mommy didn’t love you just because she wasn’t expecting you.  I already love you more than you’ll know (and probably more than you love me wtf).  If I cried before, it was the hormones (that are ironically keeping you well).  Blame the hormones!

While we can’t wait to see you, stay in there as long as you can ok? Don’t be like your kor kor who itchy backside wanted to see the world ASAP.

Momsy.