You know the kids’ song (and I now know a lot) Que Sera Sera?

It goes like…

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother,
What would I be?

As it turns out, I would be a mother myself. Hahahaha.

Something I’d always assumed I’d be eventually, but I never thought too deeply about (although my friends joked my kids would be on the back of a milk carton. ¬_¬)

Now that I’m actually one, it’s all the things that they say it would be of course.  Exhausting, fulfilling, joyful, heartbreaking, life defining all.

I am enjoying being a mom and raising my baby.  Every day is filled with stuff to do and time just flies by.

But the other day a friend who was a bit down over the state of her love life said she wished  she was over this stage and she had a family, like I did.

I said, “Well I wish I had my career… like you have.”

The grass is always greener on the other side wtf.  I’m damn lucky that I have this choice of leaving my full time job so I can take care of him.

I don’t regret being a full time mom and choosing to work part time from home.  In 20 years when he’s all grown up and doesn’t need me anymore, I know I’d hate myself if I wasn’t there to nurture and guide him…

But at the same time, in twenty years would I hate myself for not having anything else to my life after the kids are all grown?

I’m in my late 20s now so all my friends’ careers are really starting to take off.  And I can’t help feeling this is where I would be too if I didn’t give it up.

But then again, it wasn’t an option to stay in my old job, working the hours I did.  Many of my ex-colleagues do that even now with kids of their own and they’re so amazing at juggling I can’t even.  But I know I wouldn’t be able to do my best for either my job or my mommy role and I’d probably be absolutely miserable.

So I chose a part time role where I could work from home when Fighter is asleep.  With it ok la, can still earn steady although obviously nowhere near my old salary.  But it’s not a career.  The work I’m doing used to be done by the juniors in my team.  It’s easy work, if time consuming but I’m not building a career.  With this role I will never grow and I will never have a personal legacy – something that I can look back on and feel proud of how I’ve progressed.

Now with Bump on the way, it’s even less possible to return to a full time role.  Ahhh why can’t we have our cake and eat it!?

(Don’t say blogging hor because how many people can be a full time blogger? Besides, blogging as a career path is still quite unstable.  Who knows what will happen in the future?)

And this dilemma only applies to women if you think about it.  Men where got think aiya should I give up my career to raise my kids wtf.  No cos their role is very clear cut – traditionally they are the family’s provider.  And most men take it on staunchly.

But women also work now.  And we still want to be there for the kids as much as we can.  So how? Career intentionally stunted whether by not taking promotions which require more work, or by leaving sharp at 5pm everyday? Leave the raising of the kids to grandparents and helper?

So hard to find a balance that we’re all satisfied with, isn’t it? 🙁

Okay la nothing just wanted to end with a picture of myself wtf.