Which is what being a mom of more than one is about wtf.  Balance!

Two and a half weeks in and the one thing that really stands out being a mommy of two is….

The guilt.

Did I think it would be this pervasive? Nope.  Did I even consider I would be feeling this way? Not at all.

Balancing attention

It didn’t seem like it then but having one newborn back then was relatively simple.  Sure there was a steep learning curve but when it comes down to it, all newborns need are regular feeds, burping, checking and changing diapers.  When it’s none of the above, they’re asleep for most of the time (unless they have colic la then touch wood and FYL).  And then you have your free time to stare at them, take lots of pictures and maybe google rniggling queries like “what’s the best way to burp a baby” or “why does my baby grunt at night”.

The second time round, you have to do all of the above.  But with a hollering toddler clinging to your knees.

So there’s the feeding, pumping, burping, changing diapers 4000x a day, wiping spit up, the daily bath. And then for the toddler, there’s the wrestling into and out of the bathroom for the bath, either chasing him around the house wielding a spoonful of food, or cringing when he tries to feed himself but most of the spoon ends up on the floor or down his clothes because he refuses to wear a bib.  And then the wrestling him back into the bathroom for his second bath thanks to all the food stuck on him. Or the careful watching while he stumbles around the house and praying he doesn’t put his hands into the toilet bowl again.

So the entire day is filled with these two.  And that’s fine.  I even have a nanny and confinement lady without whom I wouldn’t have survived these past weeks.

But the problem is, when I’m tending to one child, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not there for the other.

So if I’m feeding Penny in the room, I’m wondering what Fighter’s up to downstairs even though the nanny is watching him.  If he’s yelling happily downstairs I’ll worry I’m missing some milestone or if I happen to be hormonal, I’d be like “WHY IS HE HAPPY WITHOUT ME DOES HE LIKE NANNY MORE” WTF.

Or if I’m feeding or playing with Fighter downstairs and the confinement auntie goes upstairs to bathe Penny or change her diaper I’d be like maybe I should be there while she gets her diaper changed… even though I trust the auntie.  Or maybe I should sit by her basket and watch her sleep instead of chasing Fighter around the house.

It’s not rational but it never ends!  Any time I give attention to one kid, I instantly feel bad because I’m not there for the other.  Wish I could clone myself wtf.  So each kid has one mom to themselves hahaha.

Balancing the sibling relationship

It’s not just about dividing my attention either. Penny is obviously too young to know any better but it’s been a pretty precarious few weeks managing Fighter’s feelings and relationship with his sister.

He’s mostly neutral and indifferent towards her — she’s just a bundle sleeping quietly in the basket most of the time, after all — but sometimes he can be persuaded to touch her gently (he does this by stroking her head with one finger hahaha).  And tonight before bedtime he actually gave her a kiss on her head!

But other times when he sees me carry her or nurse her, he’ll try to pull her away from my arms WTF.  And then try to insert himself into her space. O_o  Or at the very least, if I’m holding her, he’ll come up and put his hand on my shoulder and try to get me to hug him too.

I’ve found that distracting him — talking and singing to him, and giving him kisses — while still holding her helps sometimes.  When that fails I gotta pass Penny to nanny and carry him to prevent a meltdown. :X

A lot of people told us to do the “present trick” – to buy a present, wrap it up and give it to him, telling him it’s from his baby sister.  But we didn’t do it because he doesn’t understand the concept of presents yet, much less enjoy it so it would defeat the purpose.

Balancing opportunities

Specifically, travel opportunities.  Fatty and I haven’t gone anywhere in nearly a year and we have cabin fever wtf.  We really want to take a nice break somewhere.  But do we go just the both of us?  Should we bring Fighter because it’s better to miss one child than to miss two? But isn’t it unfair to Penelope?   But she won’t know any better.  But then do we really want to start this habit of bringing out one kid over the other?  Can I really stand being away from my baby girl?

The guilt never ends. -____________-

Balancing husband wtf

This one not so bad yet but I need to keep reminding myself not to get too caught up with the two babies until I forget about Fatty wtf.  He once accurately identified my love language as spending quality time together.  And I never realized it but after he said it, it’s true!  I miss spending quality time as a couple without someone squalling in the background wtf.  But right now with confinement and still getting into the groove of things, we still have another 1-2 weeks to go.  But I want my quality time and I don’t wanna neglect him!!!

Because the guilt never ends. -____________-

So I guess that’s life as a mommy of two in a nutshell.  It’s all about the guilt.  And second guessing myself.  And it will probably never end wtf.

But then when I see scenes like this…

And this…

And this…

I guess it’s worth it. 🙂