Today has been one of those days when I wish I wasn’t a mom.
Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve actually thought that.
The past few nights have been pretty rough with Penny waking up and crying more for milk more than usual. But last night took the cake.
She woke up at 3.45 am for milk so I fed her and she went back to sleep. So far, so good. But then an hour later she woke up again.
I thought she couldn’t be hungry so I tried patting her back to sleep. Instead she got angrier and angrier because I think she couldn’t go back to sleep fast enough for her liking. She woke up and had a full blown baby tantrum. And when Penny tantrums, the world shakes wtf.
Nothing helped. I cradled her, shushed her, patted her, walked her around, she kept getting louder and angrier.
Beside me, Fatty covered his ears with a pillow wtf.
She was so loud I thought she would wake Fighter in the next room so I brought her downstairs with me where she finally calmed down, although I dunno how long it took – I was that out of it.
And this morning I had to get up early to take Fighter to school so I’m feeling like ten kinds of shit.
I admit – Penny is a very difficult baby. On bad days I think that maybe because we had a smooth delivery with her (compared to Fighter), so now we have to go through a tough time.
My breastfeeding journey with her hasn’t been the smoothest of trips. The first two months was fine but somewhere within the third month she started becoming very hard to breastfeed. It got so that when I even laid her in the position to breastfeed, she’d arch her back and start screaming.
And once she starts, it’s nearly impossible for her to stop. I’ve had her cry in my arms for two hours straight while I slowly went insane. When she cries, she flails and kicks, and she just screams louder and louder. She’ll spit out her pacifier, and walking, patting and rocking her does nothing to help.
Sometimes, very loud shushing does work, combined with vigorous rocking but it’s not 100% effective either.
Because she’s so hard to feed, what I have to do is basically let her cry until she gets so tired she goes to sleep. Then when she’s half asleep I stuff my boob into her mouth and she drinks herself to sleep wtf. Do you realize how that sounds? That I have to let my baby cry so she’ll drink her milk?
I have no problems feeding her in the middle of the night cos she’s so sleepy then.
Can you imagine the amount of stress and crying we go through every day though? When she cries long enough I feel like crying too. And it sounds awful but when she doesn’t stop I feel like throwing her down or covering her mouth — anything to make her stop.
I don’t think she’s in pain or sick, because sometimes when we successfully distract her – usually Fatty taking over – she calms down fast enough and even smiles at us. -_- But then it’s like she remembers she was angry and starts again wtf. Her temperament is impossible. That said, I’m planning to take her to the pediatrician tomorrow just to get her checked.
It’s really taking a toll on me. When she laughs and plays with me I’m so grateful. But when she starts her uncontrollable crying, I want to jump out of the window. I look at her crying face and I feel so sad I can’t calm her. But some small sorry pathetic part of me wishes I had a different kind of baby. What kind of mother am I?
So this is what I’ve been struggling with for the past two months. And tonight Penny was asleep in her room. It was Fighter’s bedtime so I washed him up and got him his milk. I carried him into their room, where our nanny was.
She told me she would put Fighter to bed so I left.
Then I heard Fighter shouting and knocking on our door (our room connects to the kids’).
Penny had woken up thanks to his shouting so I told nanny to tend to her while I did the same for Fighter in our room.
Instead of going to sleep, Fighter walked all around our room, playing. He heard Penny’s voice in the other room and wanted to go and knock on the door again. -_- I wouldn’t let him for fear he’d agitate her further… and he threw a fit. After all the Penny pinching he does, suddenly so caring wanna go see his sister?
He screamed so loudly I scolded him and threatened him with the naughty corner. And this is where it got heartbreaking. He hates the naughty corner so I saw him actually take a deep breath and try to stop himself from crying. He gasped and hiccuped but still went on crying loudly.
Fatty was on the phone in our room and Fighter wanted to go to him, but Fatty waved us off. It triggered another tantrum in Fighter who was probably confused and heartbroken why Daddy didn’t want him. And Penny started crying again in the next room.
What ensued was me alternating between trying to soothe and hug Fighter who was struggling and screaming in my arms, and raising my voice and threatening him with the naughty corner again – something I’m not proud of. In retrospect I believe he was too emotional to control himself but at that point I thought he was being willful, refusing to obey me.
He finally fell asleep hugging me.
While I write this, he’s still sleeping in the position I left him.
I know I don’t mean this, and tomorrow will be a fresh new start, but at this moment I wish I was single with nobody to look after except myself. So I don’t have to feel like a failure. So I don’t have to be the person I was today.
Comments (40)
Dear Audrey =),
It’s okay to feel overwhelm at times. It’s okay to feel like you’re going to lose it. It’s okay to feel like you’re not succeeding in what you’re trying to do. It’s okay. What you are currently feeling right now is how you feel, and nobody has the rights to put in their two cents on whether you’re doing it right or wrong. Although I may not be a mother myself, but I do understand the feeling where you feel like you’re about to lose it or give up temporarily, try taking some really deep breath and then letting it go. You have to get the heavy feeling off your chest.
I would recommend just taking maybe a few hours or even a day away just to be by yourself (although I know it pains you to leave the kids), because sometime you just need to put yourself first, even if it’s for a minute, and to leave the environment that could be making you stressed out just to give a chance for you to recharge yourself. And when you return back home, you’ll feel much better.
I hope what I said doesn’t offend you in any way, but if I did, I would like to apologize before hand.
Thank you and have a nice day =)
Hugs.. Been there.. And am still there. FML. I have a four year old and a pair of 11 months old twins. All boys. It’s mad house at days with me trying to put the babies to nap and the big Bro continously making noise and waking them up. It gets so frustrating and I’d smack him or raise my voice really high. And there are days I grit my teeth so hard. It’s the last thing I need after a long day at work. But i always regret my outbursts. What does he know, he’s just a little one himself, it’s so unfair that I treat him angrily at times but hey I’m just human and I can only try so much. I suspect the frustration is largely due to lack of sleep so try to catch up on it if possible. It’s okay for fighter to miss a class or two. And oh just try to stuff ur boob into penny’s mouth if she cries at night, sometimes they just want to latch for comfort. Thats what I do to catch some sleep.
It’s normal. I am a SAHM and my LO has eczema. Sleepless nights have been a norm but still I get stressed up. At times it got so terrible I think I barely slept. To make things worse, my LO will cry and scream and struggle out of my arms. One part scared he’d break his neck turning so hard, one part scared he’d stop breathing from the nonstop crying and screaming. Not only am I not sleeping, I have to deal with a crazily itchy and screaming baby. He would rather scratch than sleep. Sigh. He is only 10.5 months. I’ve been facing this since 2.5 months ago. His eczema is still there despite spending so much on all kinds of creams or dermatologist. So yeah. Long way to go for me. Sigh. Some nights I would cry with him. Some nights I nearly hit him. Some nights I feel like leaving him. Some nights I understood why children get abused. Guess the stress of hopelessness and tiredness really affects your rationality. So sad I couldn’t help him. So sad I couldn’t help myself. But when it’s morning and I see him smile, I would forget everything. And regret like hell for having such terrible thoughts. I guess mothers are always filled with guilt of not doing enough or doing their best. Just know that you are not alone Audrey. Difficult babies are indeed testing our patience and sanity. From your Dayre, you are always doing the best you can. Be strong and hope Penny will grow out of it soon. =)
Stay strong Audrey, I’m sure it will get better! You can do it yummy mummy!! <3
http://www.plumhoo.blogspot.com
Dear Audrey,
Thank you for posting this … I know that it could not have been easy to write. You are not alone. Raising a child is not an easy task (thus the saying it takes a village) 😉 You are handling two kids (a task that probably requires a whole state) like a pro! Sometimes we reach the brink of insanity, a moment of weakness and have terrible thoughts … It happens!! The sheer fact that you are so consumed by guilt after only shows how selfless you are as a mother…. you said yourself, you are not going to feel this way tomorrow 🙂 It also does not change the fact that you have been and will continue to be a great mom!! So my dear Audrey, for someone so strong always, allow yourself that moment and accept it for exactly what it is … A moment of weakness *hugs*
Good luck with the paediatrician tomorrow!
P.S If you have the time for it, there is a book called baby whisperer … I swear by it; It has worked wonders for me!
Dear Audrey,
I know is tough handling 2 kids at a time even though I only have 1. 1 is already taking a toll on me and I just wanted to say that you had done a great job being mum to Fighter and Penny. Please don’t think bad about yourself being their mum and do allow yourself to have some time off.
Women have all the hormones going on with them.
Hang in there, Audrey! Jia you and take care. =)
“Because she’s so hard to feed, what I have to do is basically let her
cry until she gets so tired she goes to sleep. Then when she’s half
asleep I stuff my boob into her mouth and she drinks herself to sleep
wtf. Do you realize how that sounds?”
Yes, I do. That sounds like a mother who will do everything in her power to ensure her baby gets the nutrition she needs. That sounds like a mother who’s still willing to give her best every time, even though she knows her best may not be enough. That sounds like a mother who knows there’s hellfire ahead, who nonetheless swallows her fear and plunges straight into the flames. That sounds like someone who’s keeping it REAL.
And you know what?
That sounds like a DAMNED FINE MOTHER.
So sometimes your patience runs thin, or you feel like just screaming and running away, or feel like a failure. That’s normal, because you’re human. Go ahead and let it out, because motherhood is a rough ride, and fuck the idiots who act all shocked and say ‘you shouldn’t think that way’–if they aren’t fighting in the same trench as you, they DON’T get to tell you how to charge across YOUR stretch of no man’s land. So there.
In the meantime, here’s a hug, because they are free (((HUG))) And also one to all mothers in here and out there who get KO’ed everyday, say “no more”, and climb up from the mat anyway. Much respect for you all.
PS: when I’m really stressed, sometimes I just get the bf to drive me to the nearest seafront in the middle of the night, and I yell FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK really loudly into the wind. It’s surprisingly cathartic.
Sorry it’s tough right now. It will definitely get better (easier) as they get older. I know you had mentioned that Penny was colicky so I wonder if she might refuse to eat because she associates it with the colic pain. Could also explain the screaming/crying for no apparent reason. I hope the pediatrician is able to give you some answers/advice on what might make it better. Please remember to take care of yourself also.
audrey, i feel the same way. you couldn’t have said it any better. i have a 7mo boy and sometimes things get really challenging. i can only imagine the struggles you’re facing right now esp with two kids. just hang in there, it will get better. 🙂 praying for you and your family 🙂
I can’t say that I totally understand how you feel, because I have a 2 year old and am pregnant with another princess. but I do know some of the feelings that you went through. I used to wish that I was a sahm so that I could spend all day everyday caring and watching my children grow up and not miss a moment, but when I reflect, I think sahm is really so much more tough. especially with no helper and we are expected to do everything. literally no offdays, no lunch hour, etc.
On tough days with my toddler, I try my level best to remain calm and keep reminding myself that they are kids, so young with so much going through them and not able to put those emotions into words that we adults comprehend. When it gets overwhelming, I’d leave my daughter in the room to cry it out while I went to the bathroom to keep calm.
I guess we all go through shitty days as a caregiver for our kids. It’s not easy but you have support here! And in Dayre too! 🙂 Today we fall, tmr we try again!
Hugss….may you gain strength and the much needed energy and wisdom to manage this lovely yet trying moments! U are doing great! Keep it up!
Dear Audrey,
I have a been a silent reader of your blog (and I actually you on Dayre as well). After reading this post I feel like reaching over to give you a big, BIG hug. I have 2 children as well – a boy who is 22 months and a girl who is 4 months. There you have it – we are basically on the very same, leaky boat.
You are definitely not alone. It is difficult managing a toddler who wails because he doesn’t want to change his diaper, and an unpredictable baby. I am envious of moms who rave on their Facebook how much they are loving this mom journey, complete with cheerful pumping at 2am and 5am. I am extremely jealous of my gfs on Facebook who have midweek date nights with their hubbies.
Just this morning at 7am I was pumping milk, sitting on the floor and playing cars with my boy, AND pacifying a baby who wanted attention. AND I had to get myself ready and out of the door for work in 45 minutes. At that moment I wanted to burst into tears.
So just know you are not alone. and that though we have these low moments,, we also have our unequal share of high moments. Hang in there Super Mommy!! We can do it..and in a couple of years time we will look back at all this and be able to laugh about it.
Love,
Fi
Big hugs to you!
Babe,
I feel you. But somehow I feel you are luckier as you still have a nanny to help, I am alone when hubby is late for work. But stay strong mama, once lil Penny growing more, fruits will come. And I am now enjoying it.
Love you babe, you are definitely not alone. We all are here with you.
90% of mothering is heartache, guilt and torned feelings. Be it for working mothers or SAHM. Regardless, know that this will pass so hang in there. We all snap and loose our shits, it’s only human. Most importantly, I hope all goes well with Penny. I’m wondering if she’s extremely colicky? That will improve as she ages #fingerscrossed.
Hello. I only have 1 baby and an easy to care one (don’t jinx) at that. Yet i have felt so helpless on many occassions, so cannot imagine what you must be going through. Have always been following your blog and dayre so even if i don’t know you personally, i feel confident in saying that you are a great mum to your 2 kids. It is human nature to imagine an easy way out when the going gets tough. That doesn’t make you a bad mum. Just one that is trying to stay sane. Anyway, what i am trying to say is, dont feel bad about this and hang in there! 🙂 and also, thank you for posting this. I am sure many mums like me are feeling better to know that others are facing the same problems, instead of the rosy pictures many paint on social media.
My mother has 4 kids.. All boys. And we were not the easiest kids to take care of either :p but we turned out ok.. So i think you’ll be fine. and i think you’re a cool mum.
Hi Audrey. I’ve read your post & I must say you are a strong courageous person. It’s not easy to face our set of challenges, let alone admitting & facing them. I believe you will turn out fine. I believe you can overcome this difficult phase. You are Strong Audrey (like a superhero)!
Sorry that u are going thru a rough patch, and I know how it feels (not completely thou, cos I only have 1 baby boy now) to be helpless in e face of a tantrum-y, crying baby. My boy was really tough for e first 3-4 months – had to be carried ALL THE TIME or he will scream and cry till he loses his voice. Paedictrician said it’s cos he had bad reflux and he only feels better if he is in an upright position. Breastfeeding was a nightmare cos he would arch his back and yell when e milk flow was too fast etc. I never slept more than 3hr blocks cos he never slept thru e night. Bad nights were those when he woke up EVERY SINGLE HR.
Those were dark dark days and I remembering feeling like I hated being a mum. I was bitter and angry, always frustrated at something, and just really an awful person. I kept my distance from friends who told me to be positive (what do they know? They had such easy babies they would never imagine wat I was going thru), felt annoyed at all others’ well-being advice (what do they know? They didn’t know that I tried all methods to make it better already).
He slowly got better (think his reflux went away) and I returned to work after maternity leave. And he is now a bubbly funny 9mth old and I always wish I have more time with him!
Motherhood is a crazy rollercoaster journey and I think u’re doing a hell good job so far. Hang in there Aud!
Hang in there… few nights of cranky baby only… maybe stomach has wind…. I had a full whole.mth of that… baby waking up at 3 in the morning n cries continuously till 7am… lik u say.. nth works… rocking, cuddling, talking, ….. lol… it will pass…
I think you are so brave to be so honest about the realities of parenting and really putting your emotions out there. We always want to share the rosy happy side of having children but what is not said is how challenging it can be.
When the going gets tough with my second boy, i would sometimes feel that way too – why did i become a mother… It’s so difficult to be responsible for another human being, especially when you don’t know what is it that is wrong and what are the solutions. And when i feel extra frustrated, i try to remember that this too, shall pass. So hang in there and take a break from the kids when you need it. 🙂
You care for them and doing the best you can. That’s make you a great mom.
Not sure how much comfort this will give you but this period shall pass as they grow older. hang in there and keep up being the mother who cares for her children. That is the best gift you can give to them.
XXX
Only great moms feel they don’t do well enough. It goes to show how much you care.
Thank you for showing the reality of being a mom. You’re definitely not alone in wanting to jump off a building. I want to bang my head against the walls many times a week. I actually bought a bose noise cancelling headphones when dot was a cry baby (every two hours) so that I can comfort her without going insane myself and that’s just one baby. You have two. So don’t be too harsh on yourself.
You’ve done so well with Fighter so I am sure you will with Penny too. You have a good track of records so give yourself some faith ok. 🙂
probably trapped gas.. have you burped her often before, mid and after breastfeeds?
also read on diet that might cause colic.
im guessing you’re a working mum.
Good guess. I might have to say in my case it is 99% of it is the stress of not being there, at least at first. But it does get better now that everything works out just fine 🙂
I’m not married and do not have any children. But I feel for you when I read all the things you have gone through. Be strong and hang in there. Your children will be grateful to you when they grow up next time. In the meantime, ganbatte! 😀
Big hugssss!!!!!!!! Those of us who don’t have babies certainly can’t comment much except to cheer u on!!! Jia you jia you!!!
also try https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi3zJRz6U1w
I love how honest you are in your blog posts. It’s so hard to raise a kid. I know we’ve all thought that we wish we weren’t parents. I think that sometimes and then I feel guilty for even thinking it. It can be so hard to deal with the craziness. Just keep going. You know you can do this! Even though it will drive you crazy.
Who Let the Mum Out?
Try to take your baby with a car ride when she cries, thats what I always do when my 6 months old baby cries & nothing seem to be able to stop him from crying for more than an hour, it helps 🙂
Thanks for the great comment and the book recommendation! I’ll check it out
Yea that’s what I’m trying to do as well – when Penny cries like crazy I tell myself she must have it so much harder – to be so upset but cannot articulate her feelings and her mom cannot understand her lolol. Good luck for when your baby is out!
Haha the reason she cries at night sometimes is cos she’s trying to sleep but can’t. The boob honestly doesn’t help much with her. I know what you mean though – Fighter is always trying to wake Penny up -_-
Hehe for some reason Penny stays awake in cars fml. And she doesn’t stop crying if she’s started
Thank you!!
Yes it’s not trapped gas cos it’s something that triggers and irritates her and then she starts crying with no end
Hey Audrey, raising children and taking care of them full time ien’t an easy task. Maybe you could make reference to the methods used by Song Il Kook in the Korean tv programme Return of Superman. 😉 Good luck and all the best :)))
Hi Audrey,my little princess is same age (2 months younger) like fighter, and she is entering her terrible 2 very soon. now the tantrum has just started. the entire world has been asking – when is the time for you to have No. 2? I am a FTWM, and I don’t think I have the courage to go for another round of pregnancy. But if you are comparing to your birth experience, mine are just a little tougher compare to normal ones. But it scarred me for life. = =….you are such a brave mummy and you have our supports!
Hi hello Audrey,
I had a high needs baby gal who has now turned into a spirited 2.5 yrs old toddler (which is much challenging). I totally get what u mean when u feel like u dun want to be a mother anymore. Not literally that but sometimes it just gets so frustrating, tiring and feeling so lousy and defeated esp when people around you don’t understand. My gal is my first kid and we are thinking it could well be our last as we don’t have the energy and sanity to cope with this high needs thing again. Theres so much emotions I feel reading ur post as it brings me back to those infancy days where we had totally no idea what her tantrums and cries are about and how to deal with it, why she is not sleeping as much and how to make her stay asleep. Feeding has been difficult and time consuming as my gal is so distracted it could take an hour to feed just a 100ml to 120ml of milk. Some things does get better along the way. But of cos other issues will start popping up. Take care and remember you are not alone in this. I joined a support group in fb although majority inside are Caucasians mums but they are in similar situation and I do find some sort of solace knowing im not alone.
*Penny arching her back could be a sign of reflux, you might want to have it checked out if you haven’t.*