Here’s a simple guide to bringing your kids out for dinner and back. Follow these instructions and you should have a pleasant fuss free night.

1. Pack diaper bag(s)
2. Realize you forgot their dinner and turn back.
3. Scoop two year old’s porridge from the stove into a Thermos and place into diaper bag.  Thankfully you’ve already fed the eight month old her puree dinner.
4. Fill toddler’s water bottle.  Add a dash of Ribena so he’ll be more likely to drink it.
5. Wash up baby and change her into footsie pajamas. You may be back past her bedtime and you’d like to put her to bed right away.
6. Finally leave the house
7. Strap both into their car seats
8. Pass the toddler his pacifier so he’ll stop whining
9. Shush and pat the baby so she’ll stop whining
10. Arrive at destination, release both from their seats and start walking to restaurant
11. Toddler alternates between asking to walk and asking to be carried. Go along with it; it’s called picking your battles.
12. Get seated, ask for two baby chairs.
13. Wrestle both into the chairs
14. Pick up a pacifier from the floor.  Pick up the toddler’s left shoe. Pick up baby who’s crying to be carried.
15. Try to open menu but baby is now reaching for the butter knife. Hastily push utensils to the furthest corner possible.
16. Snatch pepper and salt shaker out of the toddler’s fist.
17. Finally order food
18. Pick up more pacifiers off the floor.  Make a trip to the restroom to wash them off.
19. Come back and pick color pencils off the floor and hand them back to toddler who’s “coloring”.
20. Snatch pencils out of toddler’s fist while barking at him to stop drawing on the table.
21. Carry baby because she’s whining again.  Stand up and bounce her.
22. While bouncing, bark at toddler for trying to get to the damn knives.
23. Pick up paper napkins from the floor.
24. Ask passing waiter in strained voice, WHERE THE HECK IS OUR FOOD?
25. At this point, waiter may have mercy on you and gives you a teaspoon for baby to play with
26. Baby starts eating the spoon and you have five minutes of peace
27. Ask the waiter for a new spoon when baby drops hers
28. When food arrives, it’s finally time to break out the iPad because toddler is slowly going stir crazy in his seat and has mysteriously lost all his color pencils.
29. Eat as fast as you can.  Chewing is optional. Indigestion be damned.
30. You may need to eat with one hand while the other clutches the baby.  This is okay because you’ve gotten really good at this.
31. Ask the waiter for a new spoon when baby drops hers (again)
32. Alternate shoveling food into your mouth and shoveling food into toddler’s mouth.
33. Pick up baby’s pacifier from the floor.  Put her back into her high chair and head for the restroom to do another round of washing.
34. Come back and be horrified because baby has somehow managed to squeeze her butt out the back of the chair and is hanging on for dear life.  Readjust her and pick her up again.
35. Nag toddler to drink more water.
36. Bark at poor unsuspecting sister in law for talking too much during dinner and not eating fast enough.  Baby is flinging herself around because it’s an hour past her bedtime.
37. Still chewing, ask for the check.
38. Yell at toddler to sit down and stop taking off his shoes.
39. Ask for the check again.  It’s been five minutes!
40. Pay, throw things back into diaper bag and get out of there.
41. Snap at toddler for resisting getting into his car seat. Strap both in and go go go.
42. Once home, tag team it with Daddy so that he gets toddler ready for bed and tucks him in
43. Carry baby into your room where she promptly closes her eyes and falls asleep.
44. And then because you’ve overtired baby, be prepared to be woken up by her every hour until 5 am, which is when she is up for the day.

That’s all there is to it! Sounds simple, doesn’t it?  Feel free to follow this guide for a easy family evening out. ^^

Love, Fatty, Shorty, Fighter and Mochi Tiah.