In case you’re wondering what life with a toddler is like, here’s a preview.

Last weekend, Fatty and I took Fighter with us for lunch. My sister in law Fayth came with us too.

Everything was as usual.  I took out Fighter’s thermos of porridge and fed him while he sat next to me on the bench watching Peppa Pig on his iPad.

When he’d finished eating, I started on my own food.  Fighter on the other hand, walked up and down the long bench we were sitting on and kept himself occupied.

Fatty, Fayth and I were in a serious discussion about an article we’d read about ISIS wtf so we didn’t pay too much attention to what Fighter was doing.  He’d settled down behind my back and was playing quietly with something.

Suddenly I heard a loud yell from him.

Jude wash hand! Jude wash hand! Jude wash hand!

I turned around and got a shock.  Fighter’s hands were all bright red and he was crying.  My first thought was OMG HE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!! >_>

(yes we actually have photo evidence. Cannot believe Fatty still got time to take pictures -_-)

After a panicked second I realized it was lipstick!!! Fighter had gotten into my bag, took out my 3CE lipstick and smashed it up and was now complaining cos his hands were dirty which he cannot stand. -_____________-

To make matters worse, in his agitation, he started climbing all over me and getting lipstick on my shirt and arms. T_________T

I lost it.  He had already destroyed a couple of my lip balms the same way and I’d scolded him before so he knew he’s not supposed to play with my makeup!  I yelled at him but he yelled even harder, waving his hands at me and saying “Jude wash hand Jude wash hand”.

FML.

I carried him to the bathroom to scrub us off with soap all the while scolding him in a very loud voice.  God know what the other patrons in the restaurant thought wtf got a crazy mom in the bathroom shouting.

Didn’t manage to get all of it off cos that’s what makeup removers are for wtf.  I carried him back to our table and sat him down beside me.

I said, “You sit here and don’t let me see you move.”

Fighter looked around and said, “iPad! iPad!” -________-

I said sternly, “No iPad. You sit still and think about what you did. You’ve been so naughty I’m putting you in naughty corner when we go home.”

He stomped his feet. He slapped his hands on the bench.  When I had no reaction, he screwed his face up and fake cried. -_______-

Fatty decided to step in and whisked him outside to yell at him while I finished my food wtf.

By the time we were all done, Fighter was sobbing and hitching his breath and both of us felt like fainting wtf.

Drove home in grim faced silence wtf.  Fighter was still sniffing in the backseat while holding his aunt’s hand wtf.  It was time for his nap and I knew he might fall asleep from all the crying.  Sure enough, I saw his eyes close.

We normally try to keep him awake on car rides so he can go home and nap properly.  If he sleeps in the car, he always wakes up when we get home and then he won’t go back to sleep anymore.

Somehow I was already in shouting mode so when I spoke my voice was still damn loud.  I yelled, “Fighter! Don’t sleep!”

Fighter jerked awake and I could see him valiantly try to keep his eyes open.  But in two seconds his eyes fluttered close again.

I felt so bad T____________T Sure I was terribly angry with him. And sure he had been do disobedient and bratty.  But when I saw him try so hard to obey me and stay awake my heart broke a little.  I didn’t have to shout at him for falling asleep – he was just a little kid.

I was so angry at him for being disobedient yet not being sorry for it.  I was angry with myself and Fatty for not noticing what he was up to.  I was frustrated my lipstick was a gone case wtf and so was my shirt.  And I was guilty at accidentally doing sleep deprivation torture on a two year old wtf.

I still had to punish him though. When we got home, I woke him up.  I crouched down to his level and talked to him very seriously but in simple enough words so that he’d hopefully understand.

“Fighter, mommy is very angry with you because you played with my lipstick.  Mommy has told you so many times not to play with my lipstick but you still did.  So now I have to punish you and put you in the naughty corner.”

He burst into tears of course.  I carried him into the study (which is our designated naughty corner) and put him down.  He sprang up and ran to me and hugged my legs still crying loudly.

T_______T

So hard but… I disentangled him from my legs, and put him down again. He refused to stand on his legs so he ended up lying down on the floor, still crying.  I quickly shut the door and waited outside. T_________T

Inside I could hear him sobbing and sobbing.  I set my watch for 2.5 minutes and just waited and scrolled through Huffington Post wtf.

By the time 2.5 minutes were up, he was still crying but not as loudly.  I opened the door and he ran to me and hugged me, still crying.

I sat down on the floor with him and cuddled him.  I told him I hated to punish him but I had to because he was being so naughty.

While patting his back I asked, “Are you sorry for what you did?”

He whimpered yes while still sniffling.

“Okay then say sorry to mommy.”

Wah floodgates open again.  He gasped, “Sorry Mommy!” and then he burst into fresh tears and burrowed his face into my chest hahahaahha.  Super dramatic baby.

And then we went upstairs so I could get makeup remover to wipe him clean.

And I threw away my shirt. FML.

After that he can tell me some more, “Mommy, Jude cry.”

Yea, Captain Obvious I think I know that wtf.

So do you think he learned his lesson?

Two hours later, I saw him running around, brandishing a tube of mosquito repellant balm which I think he thought was another lipstick. -____________-

Hahaha sigh. Welcome to life with toddlers.