The other day I went Christmas shopping for Fighter and Penny. We don’t normally celebrate Christmas and Fighter has never received a Christmas present in his two years on earth wtf but I love the spirit of the season and I wanted to introduce that to him and Penny, as well as hopefully teach them about giving vs receiving next time. *noble wtf
So what should I buy them?
The last time we went to Toys’r’us, Fighter spent ages in front of this toy – the musical teapot wtf. You guessed it – he loves cups wtf so he was completely enthralled and spent like ten minutes trying to grab the teacups and opening and shutting the lid on the teapot.
Cups are kind of his obsession wtf and at home he keeps bringing me empty cups and glasses and telling me he’s made me coffee. Hahaha. He has a toy kitchen set at home too, so he pretend to wash his cups in the sink and then make fresh brews of coffee.
Why I got him the toy kitchen set is because he sees me or the helper cooking at home and he’d always seemed interested. Mummy and Fat Her Ooi had slight reservations about me getting him a “girl’s toy” I think hahaha but I’ve always been adamant not to expose my kids to ‘preconceived gender notions’. I buy him pink shirts and ‘masak-masak’ sets because I don’t want him to feel restricted by gender notions and feel like he must act only a certain way and waste his full potential.
Who knows, he may turn into a Michelin star chef wtf.
Worse, what if he feels embarrassed by his interests and preferences because society deems them “too girly”?
I told myself, no son of mine would be restricted in that way!
At the same time, I prefer not to buy him toy guns because you know. Violence. wtf. Anyway he hasn’t showed an interest in them yet.
If you say, what if he turns gay, let me give you a big -____- face wtf. Firstly, I highly doubt you can turn gay by playing with a few kitchen toys and wearing pink clothes. Secondly, if he’s gay, he’s gay. Fatty and I will always have his back (and Penny’s)
But recently, I’ve noticed something. Fighter is now two years old and his personality and character is obvious. He’s charming, impatient, easily moved to laughter, careless, messy and a very people’s baby. A lot like me actually wtf.
He’s also quite un-aggressive for a boy and very gentle. I realized this because a few weeks ago he got into a sort of fight at school. He was dancing around and accidentally sat down on another boy who was already sitting on the floor. The boy reacted by reaching out and clawing Fighter on his face. Instead of fighting back, Fighter burst into tears and avoided the other boy for a while. :X
So two things. One, Fighter has totally recovered physically and mentally wtf. He goes around now telling people at random, “Ethan scratch Jude.” WTF. Like very important like that hahahaha.
Two, WHERE IS HIS SELF DEFENSE INSTINCT?! Not to say I want to raise a gangster la wtf but I’m hoping he will strike back instead of just crying? Cos at other times when the kids play a bit rough, I notice Fighter sometimes get pushed around but he never hits back. He just moves away or comes back to me whining.
On one hand I’m proud that my son doesn’t turn to violence in hairy situations. On the other, I’m worried he’ll be bullied. Already so small sized. T___T
So I’m stuck. Don’t want my kid to be shackled by gender biases. But then when he acts “not like a boy” I get worried wtf.
I guess this is compounded by the fact that in two weeks he will be starting nursery. Real school where he will wear a uniform and I will have to drop him off and leave. T_____T
MY BABY BOY IS LEAVING ME *hysterics*
Here is Fighter, yep, looking gay. Yes, happy wtf.
So should I send him to martial arts class? Tell him to punch back? Reporting to teacher is one thing, but nobody likes a tattle tale wtf. Being a parent is hard.
Moms, what would you do?
Comments (27)
I do teach my daughter to strike back in a way..for example, if she is playing with a toy and someone snatches it out of her hands, we tell her that its okay for her to snatch it back haha. But if she puts the toy down and plays with something else and someone takes the toy, then she has to wait until that person is done with it.
As a suggestion, maybe you can teach Fighter to strike back using his words? If someone hurts him, Fighter can tell that person ‘Stop! That hurts’ instead of lashing out. Hopefully that allows him to better communicate his feelings and to prevent him from hurting someone.
Hey Audrey. I have a 2.5 year old and his behavior of late puzzled me to no end! My son is always defensive in a lot of ways and it makes simple everyday tasks (e.g. brushing teeth, pee pee) is a challenge. My friend recommended this book “The Child Whisperer” by Carol Tuttle and it describes behavior of our child, depending on Type. And how to help our child based on their behavior. So in Fighter’s case, there might be suggestions that you can follow, having in mind that he is a gentle, loving child (bless you Fighter 🙂 ) This has help me so so much, so thought I would share it with you too. Let me know if you would like to have the epub version of this, will be gladly to share it with you!
Uhm… I think martial art classes… yes? Martial art also teach about disciplinary… Not simply go and fight people like that hahaha…
Hello Audrey.. my son is a mixed ethnic so my husband and I sometimes worried that he will be bullied later ( coz husband’s ethnicity is still quite very homogenous ) and my husband want to send our son to their ethnic school.
I think about it and i already prepared that i will tell my son this later : I give birth to you not for you to be bullied.
But this maybe he will understand when he is more grown up. When he is still a kid, maybe he does not understand so i thought i will become his guard.
Like as if later somebody called my son as a mixed blood or whatever, i would talk loudly “oh yes, indeed. That is why you are so handsome and has big eyes.” HAHAHA… ( coz husband’s ethnic mostly small eyes ). I am cruel too LOLLL
Of course all of this only happens in my mind, i also do not really know yet how i would handle it later.
A martial arts class that’s highly recommended for kids is Aikido. Sent my kiddo for that to enhance his focus, fitness and discipline. And to improve his ability to listen to instructions. Besides, Aikido is generally with mild actions, more tactical than physical. No kicks whatsoever. A famous person practicing Aikido will be the action star, Steven Segal.
oh wow, i never thought of this before but yea, i would want my daughter to knw hw to defend herself but i also dont want her to be violent and strike back. aiks. its nice to know though that at least fighter didn’t resort to violence. such a loving kid, makes u only wana sayang him more. please share when you find a good solution ok! heheehe
my husband and i discussed bout this (though our baby is only 3months +.. LOL) he said he will ask our girl to fight back.. he said, better bully than to be bullied !!! … but that’s a joke.. we do not want her to be a bully too.. how ah??
I was quite a small-sized child since young. it’s in the genes from my mom’s side. in fact, i’m actually your height hahaha. when i got into school, my mom told me that i must be wise in picking my “opponent”. if the kid is much much bigger in size and also has the notorious or gangster attitude, it would be quite silly to hit him back as i’ll only be hit back harder.
so i was taught to raise my voice as loud as i can, glaring while saying “STOP IT!!” or scream that person’s name out loud “ERIC!!” to get everyone’s attention around me. can even add some dramatic effects like banging the table. somehow or rather it worked for me maybe cause he/she was embarrassed that everyone is looking. it does help a little to be a “cili padi”. in a way this tells people not to mess with you.
but then again, there was an incident when i got really angry at a boy for always taunting me in class. i couldn’t stand it anymore and actually physically lashed out at him. (he kept taking the broom and using it to brush on my pinafore), when he walked away i pulled him from the back and bit his shoulder so hard till i sort of felt my teeth shift a little. and he bled and had my teeth mark for 2 weeks omg. hahaha. from then again he didn’t taunt me anymore and stayed far away from me.
and then there was another incident when the teacher’s son (he’s known to be very naughty and won’t sit still) taking the dustpan and just putting it over everyone’s head. he came near me and i warned him not to even try. nonetheless he did anyway and i didn’t know where i got the strength from but i tackled him and pushed him so hard on the billboard and he cried. from then on he never thought of targeting me ever again.
but i think the most important thing is my relationship with me parents. they always make it a point to ask me “how’s school today, what did you do, did anything interesting happen?” i don’t hide anything from them. when i fight in school or get bullied, i go home and tell them upfront what i did to “them”. my mom would listen and if i was on the wrong side, she would not scold me but tell me nicely on how i could have tackled the problem better. if i was doing the right thing in standing up for myself she would say “good, that boy deserves it.”
so i think it’s essential that parents don’t scold their children from hitting someone before listening to the full story.
I had the same problem with Noah last time too! He kept getting shoved by bigger-sized kids, never mind that they were younger than him, and he wouldn’t retaliate at all. I mean, no one wants to raise a bully, but sometimes, it feels worse to have your kid being the victim, I think. We talked about it, and I blogged about it too, and many other mums shared how they dealt with that. They would teach their child to say, “No pushing.” firmly, and to reiterate it, if the bully continued, and to walk away from the bully. I don’t want to be the kind of mum who swoops in to rescue my kid whenever he gets into trouble, so as much as it bugged me to watch him get bullied, I had to stick it out, and remind him to defend himself verbally, and that he was not to bully others as well, since he didn’t like how it felt when others bullied him.
In Noah’s school, the teachers are usually there to supervise, and they try to let the kids sort it out themselves too, unless the other kids get too violent. Noah has also learnt to “defend” himself more, and negotiates with the other kids when they try to take away his things. Haha.
Hope this helps!
I’ll love fighter even if he turns gay. He’s such a sweetheart and a charming boy he’s lovely nonetheless! Yes to martial arts class or taekwondo
Martial arts class might work. You could teach him to defend himself. He just doesn’t know any better. I’m sure you will figure it out. Parenting definitely is hard.
Who Let the Mum Out?
Had similar experience with my boy when he was at Fighter’s age. We think that it’s because he was the first baby in the family and didn’t have a lot of kids to interact with on a daily basis (before starting playschool), hence did not have a lot of “practise” in terms of self defence. Like Fighter, he does not know how to fight for his rights when his toys were snatched, nor does he know how to defend himself when other kids were being rude/hit him. I used to tell him to walk away or escalate to an adult when he gets bullied, but was worried that he might become too weak and makes the condition worse (you know, kids and their words sometimes). But when it comes to toys, I don’t always push him to share because I think it’s ok to take turns waiting until the other kid is done playing with a particular toy before passing on and vice versa.
I have met parents that tell their kids – when somebody punches you, you punch them back! …. But I have yet to come to terms with that lol!
He started preschool in Oz when he turned 4 and I see vast improvement in the past 12 months. I have since take a step back and let him try to sort things out himself and I realise that he has improved! Instead of always walking away he can now defend himself with words like – STOP IT! I DON’T LIKE THIS or I AM NOT DONE WITH MY TURN YET! Of course, when he got bigger he also picked up things like – guns, i punch you u punch me, superhero….. you know, all the typical boy stuff from his peers…. I think Fighter will eventually pick things up 🙂
My girl on the other hand turned out quite differently and we are guessing that’s a survival instinct kicking in because she has got a brother to fight for her everything since day 1 haha!
My boy has got the teapot set from ELC. It encouraged pretend play and I don’t think it’s gender biased. Boys no need to eat and drink meh?? Now that my kids are older they can sit down and play with all their masak masak toys together and mummy can have some me time.
Martial art class is an excellent idea! And they’re not only for boys so you don’t need to worry about the gender biased. Also martial art teaches kids to stand up when they fall and to control their strength appropriately.
Hahaha I don’t care what he is as long as he grows up well 🙂
Wow thanks for the super long comment! definitely i think having a good relationship and open communication with parents definitely help, as does a solid self esteem.
Yea don’t want them to be bullies but if no choice I prefer them to not be hurt la hahaahah. but then again if they are bullies it means i have failed as a parent. :/
It’s ok, Hana is soooo cute and pretty I think all the boys will be fighting to protect her hahahaha
Ohhh never considered Aikido. Thanks, will look it up!
I’m curious where you live! And yea mixed kids are usually very good looking hehe
Oooh thanks for the book recommendation! Maybe i’ll buy it on Kindle, thanks for offering to share hehe
That’s a good idea! I think Fighter needs to learn to not just cry but like you said, defend himself using words hehehe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbAWRmAU8mM This is a demo vid done by the school my son attended. Aikido for pre-schoolers.
When I was in kindergarten, I had a classmate who liked to kachiao me. One day, he did something particularly disgusting. When I figured out what he had done, I raised my hand in class and yelled out “TEACHER! Eugene dig his butt and make me smell his finger!!!!” (he’d scratched his butthole and then stuffed it under my nose) He really got it from the teacher that time, and that was the last time he ever disturbed me in class.
And then there was the nasty dental nurse, who was always rough with our teeth, was mean to the kids, and she had a habit of calling us out in the middle of class, which irked our teachers a lot. One day, my friend and I got delayed by our teacher, and subsequently got yelled at by the dental nurse, even though we explained it was our teacher who held us back. I glared at her, and told her that I would speak to our vice-principal, and promptly grabbed my poor friend and marched off to the general office. Well, I didn’t get the VP, but as luck would have it, our principal was there, and she asked me what was wrong. So I told her what happened. I suppose she must have consulted with the teachers, because a couple of months later, we got a change in dental nurse, to one who was kind and friendly, and she stayed all the way until long after I’d graduated from secondary school.
So my suggestion is to get him to identify the authority figure, and to articulate (preferably loudly) to that person exactly what behaviour the other person is doing that is unacceptable, as this 1) creates a common point of authority that the children should refer to, and 2) gives the teacher a reference point from which to make a judgement. I’m not a big fan of if punched, punch back, because in all likelihood, the original perpetrator will figure out that s/he can’t win and start crying (which will make it twice as unfair!).
Martial arts classes sound great, because they are good skills to learn at any rate.
omg fighter is so cute. that’s all i have to say -not a mom yet
Aiden is 2, smallest boy in his class..and pretty much everywhere. I suspect because he is small, he knows better than to fight back..he is unfortunately pretty dramatic and a tattletale..”XXX hit me!” complement with a wait and an indignant look…we try to get him to talk to the other kids directly (“tell xx you don’t like it” etc) instead of crying and looking at the adults
when it comes to conflict with other kids..still a work in progress..
( I have to resist the urge to accidentally shove that kid who keeps pushing mine)
My 4 year old son was a gentle boy like Fighter. Kids would always grab toys from him, and he would just get sad by himself and do nothing about it. We did 3 things to make him assertive:
1. Daddy put him through his “Anti-Bullying” training. His basically took toys from our son and encouraged him to speak up, but never hit.
2. I figured he needed to watch Mommy set the right example, so I socialized him a lot (here, we have library, playgrounds, and church that I take him to weekly) and spoke up to bullies myself. Ex: whenever a kid grabs a toy from his hands, I stop the toy from moving, look at the child, and gently but firmly say “No no [name of child, or Sweetie if unknown girl, Buddy if unknown boy], wait your turn; right now Rocky is playing with this.” Short and sweet. Works 100% of the time.
3. He has a sister now! He gets so much practice, now that she wants Everything he’s paying with. She forced him to be assertive, and he forces her as well. I just monitor their interaction, making sure they don’t hit, and still act lovingly to each other. Yelling is OK for us because that’s the way bullies his age listen. But, yelling is still a gray area, and I correct him if it’s too excessive.
Now, my son yells at bullies to stop, and the best part, he even yells at bullies when they bully other kids. He makes my heart burst.
Hello! I’m actually a preschool teacher and petty fights and squabbles are pretty common i must admit! But we as teachers, are supposed to have our eyes constantly on the kids to ensure that all incidents are witnessed by us and that we can break up fights or resolve issues. To the best of my abilities, i will stop any sort of interaction that is starting to get negative and mediate the situation/explain what’s right and wrong to both parties.
However, not every teacher is that interested in maintaining peace in the classroom, especially when there is only 1 teacher in a class of 20. Enforcing good behaviour within the class is also something that must consistently be done and this is not something easy… So yeah i do have a number of colleagues who act blind to bad behaviour and even fights. It’s quite intolerable but it happens.
I always tell my students not to resort to anything physical when fights arise, as the minute they lay a hand on their friend, they automatically take half the blame. I tell them to say “STOP” or move away and find a teacher to report any bad behaviour to as soon as they can. But there are times when they get hit first and they retaliate and although it’s quite heart pain lah, but i still feel that no child should retaliate, as it’s hard to decide who’s the provocateur or the instigator when both kids are ridden with marks and bruises (especially when there is an absence of CCTVs in the class). There may be times where the bully put a scratch on your child but is returned with a punch. How do we then determine the child with more faults? The one who started the fight but with only a light scratch, or the one who self-defended but landed a painful punch? So i’d definitely advice against retaliation but instead getting Jude to approach a teacher for help. A true teacher will definitely mediate the situation and ensure both parties are clear about the situation and why things are right or wrong.
So it’ll be good if you constantly check on Jude for any new injuries and please do not hesitate to approach the teachers or the school to demand for an answer. As his parent, you deserve to know why there’s a new scratch mark across his face. You can also ask Jude to relate to you and fights that might have happened, but children have a tendency to exaggerate or forget details. And they may play victim despite being the provocateur.
Also, try to ask Jude open ended questions instead of asking him if something happened (e.g. “Jude i notice you have a bruise on your leg, do you remember what happened?” instead of “Omg Jude you have a bruise on your leg did somebody push/punch you?”) as children tend to agree with the options given to them by their parents or the options that sound more serious, even if it might not have occurred at all. When presented with two options (e.g. “Were you pushed? Or did somebody hit you?”), they are very likely to pick either one of the options even if they actually got the bruise through other means such as knocking into furniture. It’s only when they get older (around 5+) that they can start giving you accurate and clear answers.
The best thing to do if you know that Jude got an injury from school is to approach the teacher soon after you notice the injury and of course, ask her in a calm tone! (e.g. “Hello Miss ___, i noticed that Jude has a new scratch on his neck and was wondering if any incidents might have happened in class. Do you mind helping me to check?”) Although by right, teachers should call parents to inform them about squabbles that lead to violence and injury right after it has happened. If the teacher is unable to give you an answer on the spot, you can then ask Jude if he remembers what happened.
Goodness this turned out to be so lengthy but i hope it helps! Also know that preschools like to conceal incidents or tone it down in reports just to look good infront of parents.. it’s sad but the truth. So if you feel that Jude is not receiving the help he needs, please withdraw him and find someplace better!