As mom to newborn babies, I foolishly thought that this was as hard as it gets.  The sleepless nights, the mastitis, the pumping around the clock… Get past the newborn stage and you’re good, they said.

They obviously don’t have five year old boys.

Dear Fighter,

You are four and a half years now, and you are in kindergarten!  Since you started your new kindergarten this year, I’ve been very proud of your progress and learning.  Your writing has improved so much and you’re starting to learn how to read CVC words!  You’re also maturing emotionally – it’s as if my manja, whiny baby disappeared overnight and in his place there’s this skinny little boy with a big smile, who understands logic and utters all these random ‘grown up’ phrases.

There’s one thing though.  Your new school is much bigger and his class is larger (twice the size actually) than in your old preschool so you’re exposed to a bigger variety of people.  And you’ve picked up some words to use when you’re upset, which makes me upset. :X

You have always been a sensitive and emotional child.  The good thing is that you’re very attuned to other people’s feelings.  The bad thing is that you know just how to press our buttons lolol.

The other day, you were angry at Gaston (our nanny) for something or other.  You came up to me and said, “I hate Gaston. I want her to die. I want to kill her.”

O_O

You’ve also started saying the same things to me and Daddy.  You want to kill us, want us to die, want to throw us in the dustbin wtf.  I’ve been dealing with it by being very calm and telling you we don’t talk like this in this family.  That if you insists on speaking like that, you’re welcome to leave the house.  I’ll even pack you bag for him to leave wtf.

You get damn scared la every time lol.  You’d burst into tears and say you didn’t want to leave.

But then the next time you got upset, you would do it all over again.

But one day, something you did managed to get into me.

We were in Penang for Mama’s birthday.  Both you and Penny were napping on our bed in the room, so I left the room and sat outside with my laptop to do some work.  At some point, you woke up and got a fright because you were alone in the room (albeit with your baby sister).

You burst through the door, crying and shouting.  I scooped you up and cuddled you but you refused to be comforted.

In your tears you yelled, “I am so angry at you! I want to throw you away!  You go out of the house! I pack your bags for you!” (lolol copy what I said to you before.)

I understood why you were upset.  You must have been very scared to find yourself alone when you woke up and you were venting your feelings on me.  I continued to hug you and said, “I’m sorry for leaving the room.  I didn’t know you would be scared.  Next time I will stay inside when you’re sleeping.”

That didn’t pacify you.  “Don’t do that again! Why you do that! I want to throw you in the dustbin! No I take you to the police station and they will put you in jail!” You got up and started pulling on my arm, as if really trying to drag me to the police station.

I lost my patience a little.  “Enough, Fighter.  I already said I’m sorry and I am.  You’re going overboard.” I raised my finger and looked at you sternly.

You burst into tears as you are wont to do when I get angry.  I took you on my lap and stroked your head and kissed you. “It’s okay, darling. I know you’re angry and it’s okay. I’m glad you used your words to tell me you were mad but you cannot throw people into the dustbin or say you hate them.”

You hugged me back and sobbed but gradually calmed down.  When you had finally stopped hiccuping, you sighed and said,

“Mommy. You know now I love you less.”

My darling, you’ve said so many things to me.  You said you hated me, you didn’t like me, you wanted to throw me away and put me in jail.  You’ve even said once that you wanted to slam me into the door.  I was taken aback because I knew you picked it up in school, since I monitor every cartoon you watch at home and you don’t watch anything remotely violent.  You’re even scared of cartoons (or Youtube ads) set in darkness wtf.

But nothing struck me in the heart like when you said you loved me less.

I’d never given a sh*t about what my kids say to me before because kids talk nonsense.  But that day, I don’t know if I was tired or I was sick or I was PMS-ing, but wetness pooled in my eyes and fell.

I hugged you tighter and said, “When you say that, you made me very sad. You have to be careful with your words because your words can make people happy or sad or angry.  Do you want to make people happy or sad?”

“Sad.” Defiant.

Penny on the other hand, crawled up to me and tried to cuddle me.  “I love you Mommy. Are you happy?” Super batu api your sister lolol.

I don’t really remember how we resolved it but I don’t think you apologized.  Instead you showed later that you were over it by hugging me and calling me to play with you.

That day, we both learned something about each other.  I learned that the day you were born, my heart strings will forever be tied to yours.  You learned that you have the power to hurt me (and Daddy).  And I learned that I will have to just be consistent and keep loving you and teaching you to be a person who will wield the power you hold wisely.

Love, Mommy.