All right all right, I’m back to the small font, due to popular demand.

I am depressed (yet again. It’s that time of the month)

And of course, its got to do with guys. Yet again.

I should be happy! This is after all, the first time I’m having a crush after 4 years! I never let myself get crushes because as it is quite obvious, guys do not fall for twerps with big and thick glasses, buck teeth and no breasts.

At least with all these ugliness on me, I thought I still have a heart that’s intact.

When I got more presentable looking, I still did not have crushes. If guys came up to me, I would consider them but I never got crushes on them, even if I did like them in the end, the feeling would just grow on me, not in an infatuated way.

But now! This is all different!

I feel like I’m 12 again!

The giddy giddy feeling I have when he calls, the perpetual smile on my face, the clicking on his Friendster to look at his pictures…

Oh, I am so geli-fying.

Not to mention the irritation when he doesn’t answer my messages.

So that’s what I’m feeling now. BUT! That is not the reason why I’m feeling so down now.

The reason is…

At this young and carefree (relatively lah) of 19, what problems do you think people like us have? Failed exams maybe? Quarreling parents? Maybe a little unrequited love at the same time?

No, we get infidelity, domestic violence, sexual harrassment and whatnot.

All this are really happening to us, happening to us directly, not to family members or anything.

WTF! How is it possible? But it is and has been proven.

I feel so grown-up. Like I’ve stepped into the world finally and seen what can happen. Sometimes people that you think you really know can really up and fuck you up.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at. Thoughts are buzzing through my head and I can’t put them down on the screen!

You said you’re sorry and I said ok. I said to forget this whole thing, but truth is, I simply cannot. What you did was too shocking, too terrible. This is one thing that will haunt me for the rest of my life, the damage is done.

Things can never be the same again even though I said they could.

I know that I definitely don’t warrant this little respect that you gave to me, but what you did made me doubt myself. Did my actions somehow ask for the kind of treatment that I’m getting? Maybe my attitude towards certain things are too casual. WTF am I sayin! I fucking do not deserve this!

I trusted you and you abused that trust. You may have thought its no big deal but you thought wrong. You may not think its anything much but what you did has already scarred me and I can never look at you the same way again.

I am so so scared ok.

Comments for this entry are not welcome. I don’t want anyone to ask me what happened or offer notes of sympathy. Any comments left shall be deleted.