Mental vomit

Ok here comes the vomit.  No crafting my sentences so they’re all all beautiful.  Not going to care about paragraphing or grammar even.  And everything’s probably gonna be all jumbled up.

I’m sorry that all I am these days is emo wtf.  But honestly all I feel like these days is not blogging.  It’s changed so much from when I first started blogging 5 years ago.

Actually I’ve changed.  I looked back at my entries when I was 19 and holy shit was I pretentious wtf.  Perfect English and no wtfs.  I just wanted to sound clever.  And then I progressed to sounding a little bit more Malaysian (and natural) and I think my best entries were from age 20-23.  Nothing to stop me from writing what I wanted to write — if I wanted to complain about my promiscuous neighbor, I complained.  If I stole a mail cart from the post office, I wrote about it.  If I wanted to say I think I look freaking cute today I say I look damn cute today.  I don’t know if I was writing well but I liked what I was saying and my blog represented a lot of me.

Now everything I say comes with a backlash.  If I jokingly say I’m cute, someone will say fuck no you’re old.  If I wanted to write something about work, I better look for a job elsewhere wtf.  If I’m sad, someone will happily tell me that it’s karma because I’m a homewrecking bitch.

Maybe some of it is because of Tim.  Everything I do or every success I achieve is going to be because I am in a relationship with him.  If my traffic goes up, it’s because I’m milking our relationship.  If it goes down, I deserve it.  I’ll always be known as Tim’s girlfriend (unless we break up wouldn’t you like that wtf).  Even Project Alpha — god I can’t wait to see how many insults and hurtful words people are going to come up with.  Midget, ugly, old, money grabbing whore wtf (ok sorry that was actually a description of Hee Yit Foong I read on Wikipedia wtf)

I don’t know what to do or what I want.  Ok I want to be able to blog as freely as I did before.   I don’t want to care what people say.  Sometimes I dread looking at my comments in case I find some shitty remark inside.  Or maybe it’s because I’m in a different phase of my life right now.  And I have my first real job.When it comes to work, ok that’s something that I have to deal with because it’s just not professional to talk about work on a public space.

But… I blog because I want to be heard.  And yet I don’t want people to know the person I am.  Or I do want them to know me but I’m scared.  I’m not making sense huh.  I really don’t take insults well.  Maybe I’m a people pleaser and I want everyone to like me.  Or at least not hate me wtf.  If you call me a midget or ugly or whatever it doesn’t bother me because it’s true that I’m a midget, so?  And it’s not true that I’m ugly wtf so how should that bother me?  But I do get very upset that people actually take the time and effort to come in here and write comments full of hate and trying to hurt me.  I guess it would make you happy to know that your efforts are well rewarded.

I’m not writing well anymore.  All I’m doing now is writing about events and putting up pictures.  That’s not me.  That’s maybe 10% of my life and 1% of my thoughts.  If I’m scared I wanna be able to say I’m scared.  If I put up a picture, I want to do it without wondering if someone will come and call me stupid ugly midget wtf.  But I don’t know how to get back to me again.  I wasn’t insightful or smart but I liked what I wrote.  Now I can’t even bear to re-read my posts wtf.

Suet says she loves where she’s at now because she’s connecting with all her readers and she feels good about that.  But although everyone leaves such sweet and warm comments for me, there’s no connection because what’s in my blog is nothing and I think you can see that.  Most of my thoughts and feelings aren’t included and I am very frustrated that I don’t know how to put them in.

Stop blogging? But I like writing.  Write protected posts?  If I wanted that I would write in a real journal.  Switch blogs?  Yes.  I would if I could.  Switch to an anonymous blog where I can be as nasal and blatant as I want.  But shamefully, I need the ad money that comes with fourfeetnine; without it I would be up to here in shit with my tuition loan.

Maybe someday if I were rich. I would throw away fourfeetnine and just be Aud somewhere else.

Caution: Probably the most honest I’ve ever been on my blog.  But also please take with pinch of salt because I am just writing down everything in my head and am aware not much of it is sense.

  • Darryl

    nawww…*pat head*
    u’ll b fine…don’t worry k

  • ap

    being your faithful albeit somewhat late reader, i think i am faithful for the sake of the posts where your shining self shows through, whether your sentences are all all beautiful or not(lol i connected with this sentence in particular cause i’ve had to suffer through my own sentences) but whether you choose to filter those self-reflecting bits or not you will always have your readers, haters included. i believe such an audience is the most valuable asset of fourfeetnine and it did not happen by accident.

    “In life you will meet a lot of assholes, remember that it’s stupidity that pushes them to be evil. It will prevent you from answering to their nastiness.” this bit came from one of my favourite movies, Persepolis 🙂

  • Kiran

    Hi Aud,
    What I want to say has all been said by the rest of commentators here 😀 Hang in there buddy 🙂 Don’t take this too hard on yourself. Be open to criticism and don’t expect the unexpected. It’s just a waste of your valuable time. Being famous comes with a baggage. Dealing with it is not easy. But knowing u have the support of your honest readers and friends would get you through during one of those emo days 😉 Cheers!

  • goingkookies

    it;s tough esp when u re in the limelight. yeah maybe cos u re partially tim’s gf…

    but even then.. u stay in the limelight for ur very own u.. ur style.. ur personality..

    that’s what makes ppl to come back.. and perhaps when tim blogs about u n him.. ppl will come to ur blog wondering who is this amazing girl..

    so screw what others think and u just continue on being u!! =)

    nobody can ever please everyone!! and ppl who have bad comments are probably just jealous!! =p

  • seeyan

    Hey gal… I am also a silent reader of ur blog as well..
    let me explain how do i come accross ur blog…
    I did not know that bloggers exist in Msia (pardon me for being so biased against Msia standard), so one fine day, I googled Msian bloggers, and I came by ur blog.. By the time I came across urs, I have read a few other Msian blog as well..
    And to be frank, when I read ur blog in the beginning, I was thinking, wtf, this girl is so ‘zi lian”..
    But after a while, i found that ur blog is interesting! about ur life, happenings, and the lame jokes.. I like it! the way u write, the things u write..
    It has been almost a year now since I follow ur blog, and I still enjoying it.. As for Tim, I dunno who is he until two months ago (from ur blog).. all i know b4 that is that he is ur bf..

    I share this to you because I still want to read ur blog!

    So, Pls keep it up! I am sure there are alot of silent readers out there which is a lover of ur blog, not critics!

  • Anonymous

    I am a silent reader. I enjoy your writing. Don’t give up.

  • isabebe

    Understand how you feel. For me it was because i am older and working and thus feel the need to seem more mature and responsible and not make serious, older ppl raise their eyebrows when i declare that im cute.
    But don’t think that you are doing well just cos of Tim, you were doing very well even before you met him, if you are getting more work and money it’s because the internet has become more and more of a mainstream thing, more and more people are online and internet blogging has become a much bigger thing than ever. Money grabber? That’s funny, you seem well to do yourself.
    Thing is my dear, there will Always be bitter, jealous, mean people who will say things just to hurt you. EVen if you weren’t blogging, a percentage of the ppl you’d meet would be like that as well, cept they wouldnt b able to tell You nonsense anonymously as they’d b too scared to.
    No. Noone who isn’t a jealous, hateful bitch would like to see you and tim breakup so don’t bother about them.
    All the best and wishing you happiness

  • curryegg

    Hi Audrey.

    Although I just started reading your blog, I realized you have an interesting and unique personality by the way you write and speak in videos and photos. It is not because of tim or anyone else, but it is yourself who bring those values and qualities.

    People might not understand and agree with us, but what we can do is to understand ourselves. Find and get back the excitement and joy you have before. There is nothing can stop you unless yourself.

    So.. Kah yau.. 🙂

  • Polprav

    Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?