Ok here comes the vomit. No crafting my sentences so they’re all all beautiful. Not going to care about paragraphing or grammar even. And everything’s probably gonna be all jumbled up.
I’m sorry that all I am these days is emo wtf. But honestly all I feel like these days is not blogging. It’s changed so much from when I first started blogging 5 years ago.
Actually I’ve changed. I looked back at my entries when I was 19 and holy shit was I pretentious wtf. Perfect English and no wtfs. I just wanted to sound clever. And then I progressed to sounding a little bit more Malaysian (and natural) and I think my best entries were from age 20-23. Nothing to stop me from writing what I wanted to write — if I wanted to complain about my promiscuous neighbor, I complained. If I stole a mail cart from the post office, I wrote about it. If I wanted to say I think I look freaking cute today I say I look damn cute today. I don’t know if I was writing well but I liked what I was saying and my blog represented a lot of me.
Now everything I say comes with a backlash. If I jokingly say I’m cute, someone will say fuck no you’re old. If I wanted to write something about work, I better look for a job elsewhere wtf. If I’m sad, someone will happily tell me that it’s karma because I’m a homewrecking bitch.
Maybe some of it is because of Tim. Everything I do or every success I achieve is going to be because I am in a relationship with him. If my traffic goes up, it’s because I’m milking our relationship. If it goes down, I deserve it. I’ll always be known as Tim’s girlfriend (unless we break up wouldn’t you like that wtf). Even Project Alpha — god I can’t wait to see how many insults and hurtful words people are going to come up with. Midget, ugly, old, money grabbing whore wtf (ok sorry that was actually a description of Hee Yit Foong I read on Wikipedia wtf)
I don’t know what to do or what I want. Ok I want to be able to blog as freely as I did before. I don’t want to care what people say. Sometimes I dread looking at my comments in case I find some shitty remark inside. Or maybe it’s because I’m in a different phase of my life right now. And I have my first real job.When it comes to work, ok that’s something that I have to deal with because it’s just not professional to talk about work on a public space.
But… I blog because I want to be heard. And yet I don’t want people to know the person I am. Or I do want them to know me but I’m scared. I’m not making sense huh. I really don’t take insults well. Maybe I’m a people pleaser and I want everyone to like me. Or at least not hate me wtf. If you call me a midget or ugly or whatever it doesn’t bother me because it’s true that I’m a midget, so? And it’s not true that I’m ugly wtf so how should that bother me? But I do get very upset that people actually take the time and effort to come in here and write comments full of hate and trying to hurt me. I guess it would make you happy to know that your efforts are well rewarded.
I’m not writing well anymore. All I’m doing now is writing about events and putting up pictures. That’s not me. That’s maybe 10% of my life and 1% of my thoughts. If I’m scared I wanna be able to say I’m scared. If I put up a picture, I want to do it without wondering if someone will come and call me stupid ugly midget wtf. But I don’t know how to get back to me again. I wasn’t insightful or smart but I liked what I wrote. Now I can’t even bear to re-read my posts wtf.
Suet says she loves where she’s at now because she’s connecting with all her readers and she feels good about that. But although everyone leaves such sweet and warm comments for me, there’s no connection because what’s in my blog is nothing and I think you can see that. Most of my thoughts and feelings aren’t included and I am very frustrated that I don’t know how to put them in.
Stop blogging? But I like writing. Write protected posts? If I wanted that I would write in a real journal. Switch blogs? Yes. I would if I could. Switch to an anonymous blog where I can be as nasal and blatant as I want. But shamefully, I need the ad money that comes with fourfeetnine; without it I would be up to here in shit with my tuition loan.
Maybe someday if I were rich. I would throw away fourfeetnine and just be Aud somewhere else.
Caution: Probably the most honest I’ve ever been on my blog. But also please take with pinch of salt because I am just writing down everything in my head and am aware not much of it is sense.