Ok here comes the vomit. No crafting my sentences so they’re all all beautiful. Not going to care about paragraphing or grammar even. And everything’s probably gonna be all jumbled up.
I’m sorry that all I am these days is emo wtf. But honestly all I feel like these days is not blogging. It’s changed so much from when I first started blogging 5 years ago.
Actually I’ve changed. I looked back at my entries when I was 19 and holy shit was I pretentious wtf. Perfect English and no wtfs. I just wanted to sound clever. And then I progressed to sounding a little bit more Malaysian (and natural) and I think my best entries were from age 20-23. Nothing to stop me from writing what I wanted to write — if I wanted to complain about my promiscuous neighbor, I complained. If I stole a mail cart from the post office, I wrote about it. If I wanted to say I think I look freaking cute today I say I look damn cute today. I don’t know if I was writing well but I liked what I was saying and my blog represented a lot of me.
Now everything I say comes with a backlash. If I jokingly say I’m cute, someone will say fuck no you’re old. If I wanted to write something about work, I better look for a job elsewhere wtf. If I’m sad, someone will happily tell me that it’s karma because I’m a homewrecking bitch.
Maybe some of it is because of Tim. Everything I do or every success I achieve is going to be because I am in a relationship with him. If my traffic goes up, it’s because I’m milking our relationship. If it goes down, I deserve it. I’ll always be known as Tim’s girlfriend (unless we break up wouldn’t you like that wtf). Even Project Alpha — god I can’t wait to see how many insults and hurtful words people are going to come up with. Midget, ugly, old, money grabbing whore wtf (ok sorry that was actually a description of Hee Yit Foong I read on Wikipedia wtf)
I don’t know what to do or what I want. Ok I want to be able to blog as freely as I did before. I don’t want to care what people say. Sometimes I dread looking at my comments in case I find some shitty remark inside. Or maybe it’s because I’m in a different phase of my life right now. And I have my first real job.When it comes to work, ok that’s something that I have to deal with because it’s just not professional to talk about work on a public space.
But… I blog because I want to be heard. And yet I don’t want people to know the person I am. Or I do want them to know me but I’m scared. I’m not making sense huh. I really don’t take insults well. Maybe I’m a people pleaser and I want everyone to like me. Or at least not hate me wtf. If you call me a midget or ugly or whatever it doesn’t bother me because it’s true that I’m a midget, so? And it’s not true that I’m ugly wtf so how should that bother me? But I do get very upset that people actually take the time and effort to come in here and write comments full of hate and trying to hurt me. I guess it would make you happy to know that your efforts are well rewarded.
I’m not writing well anymore. All I’m doing now is writing about events and putting up pictures. That’s not me. That’s maybe 10% of my life and 1% of my thoughts. If I’m scared I wanna be able to say I’m scared. If I put up a picture, I want to do it without wondering if someone will come and call me stupid ugly midget wtf. But I don’t know how to get back to me again. I wasn’t insightful or smart but I liked what I wrote. Now I can’t even bear to re-read my posts wtf.
Suet says she loves where she’s at now because she’s connecting with all her readers and she feels good about that. But although everyone leaves such sweet and warm comments for me, there’s no connection because what’s in my blog is nothing and I think you can see that. Most of my thoughts and feelings aren’t included and I am very frustrated that I don’t know how to put them in.
Stop blogging? But I like writing. Write protected posts? If I wanted that I would write in a real journal. Switch blogs? Yes. I would if I could. Switch to an anonymous blog where I can be as nasal and blatant as I want. But shamefully, I need the ad money that comes with fourfeetnine; without it I would be up to here in shit with my tuition loan.
Maybe someday if I were rich. I would throw away fourfeetnine and just be Aud somewhere else.
Caution: Probably the most honest I’ve ever been on my blog. But also please take with pinch of salt because I am just writing down everything in my head and am aware not much of it is sense.
Comments (109)
hi aud! i think i understand how you feel but dont let those naysayers get to you! whatever you do you’ll still have ppl who love you for who you are supporting you 🙂
I am not gonna tell you all that “just be yourself” bullshit because it doesn’t make sense. ppl have been telling me “just be yourself” since I was born and I was like, wtf? how else can I be?
Of course, everyone’s style of blogging change. It’s all part and parcel of growing up. You’ve been blogging for like 5 years now, how can you even expect yourself to write the same way as you did before?
5 years on the Internet is like 15 years ok. You don’t even look the same right now as you did 15 years ago. How can ppl even expect you to write the same, right?
So yea, dunno how to end this comment so errr… just be yourself.
Hey Audrey,
I’ve been a silent reader of yours for a long time and this is my first ever comment. I feel the need to lend you some support this time around as I know how frustrated and confused you must be feeling with yourself.
It’s hard being a public blogger even though most ppl just see the glamorous side of it. But hope you will stay strong as there are majority of people (like me) who support u all the time altho we might not necessarily voice it out here. Me and my friends like and appreciate you for who you are.(Looking fwd to read yr posts each time!)
Take care kay. Sometimes it’s healthy to be emo! Don’t keep them inside and risk getting high blood pressure over unworthy ppl (wtf)
Love you! 🙂
Hugs!
No point being sad over what people think of you. People are entitled to their own opinion and you do not have to agree with them! I say, once you stop having fear only will you start living.
But seriously..I’m shocked at what some people call you. wtf man! Cheer up. 🙂
i guess that is the whole risk that comes with pouring out your heart out, the risk that someone will take it and stab it right where it hurt the most, and i’m not surprised that you hid the true Aud and gave them fourfeetnine instead.. it’s really not your fault..
but u must remember those are just words, and though sometimes it gets to u, and make u confuse and doubt urself… when that happens, remember that u have everyone u need in your life right now, and u def don’t need those people who doesnt give a damn about u, what u already have are those people who WILL stand by you regardless of what other people say, and i think those friends/families are those you need. 🙂 don’t give a damn about those who don’t care about u.. cos there are so many more out there who does 🙂
be proud of who u r and how u turned out! 🙂 *hugs*
Hey there Aud. I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now.
I’ve always admired your way of blogging, IMO it’s different.. and more real. Meaning you don’t sugar-coat what you say, you just say it like it is. 🙂
So, all I have to say to you is – and I quote from an anonymous source, There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can’t. What you’ve got to do is turn around and say, “watch me”
Changing is a part of life. It wouldn’t be called life if everything were going to be the exact same thing 5 years or more before. It just ain’t the same.
Achieving something doesn’t possibly relate you to some one, unless you are a gold digger *which you aren’t* Act naturally. If some words were to reach ur ears, and you don’t like it. Just take it in and continue on ur life. No point wasting time on such a thing.
Blogging is a way for people to link their mind and feeling with the blog and the readers. It is a way to communicate. There is of course lots of shit feedback, dont mind it.
This blog has already shown what is on ur mind. There isn’t any need to think about something else to write which is full of crap. Just be original, be natural and just like what kenny said, be yourself.
Wish you all the best. Don’t know what else to write. Just delete the comment if it offends you. Sorry.
Hi there, I’ve been stalking your blog for a few months now and I think you’re a very lovely, genuine girl and whatever other people think simply reflects their own ugliness and insecurities. Please don’t give up doing and being with what you love just because of their words. I hope you feel better and stronger and know that you have more lovers than haters here. 🙂
Would it make it any better if I offer you a virtual hug?
*Squeeeeze!
Like you said, no matter what you say, someone is going to say something bad back. But why let them have the better side if it?
But, I shall say you are funny and witty, and if anyone says anything against that, they have to face me! *Hides behind an elephant, Hrmph!
*Pulls a cute face and rolls sleeve.
I don’t know what to say to cheer you up, and it is reallllllly late, so I cant think straight
Hey Aud,
Cheer up, girl. Those ppl who write hurtful comments are just jealous of u…
I guess all bloggers will come to a stage where they feel too exposed and start filtering their blogs…
But watever it is..I LOVE reading ur blog..so..dun be sad, ok?
Have a great weekend..:P
Have been reading your blog for such a long time and you know what?
You are great!
Just ignore those people.
Live life to the max, no point being sad/emo because of them, right?
Cheer Up! *smile
xx
Be sure of who you are. You don’t need someone else to validate what you think of yourself or how you feel.
In fact you can tell that other person to go f off. It really just reflects poorly on who that other person is. Just how pathetic of them to say those things. And they really should know that!
I’ve been stalking your blog for 1 year now, and to know you more, i’ve been reading back all your old post.. WTF.. scary huh..
but i just wanna said u are lovely, cute and PRETTY!!
dont care those no brain idiots said, they are just JEALOUS!
Sometimes i really wonder what are in those idiots brain when reading thought some nasty comments in ppl’s blogs, why can’t they just be nice!
Why is it okay to hurt people like that?
Who gave them right to?
Arrrh.. but nvm.. i am not popular.. HAHAHAHA..
so.. cheer up.
I really do love your blog!
I never missed any of your entry since i start reading your blog/boo…
Cheer up!
Hi Aud,
Life is full of unexpected problems, finance, love life, study, etc.. but hey we all made it thru!
There are always lovers and haters in ur blog, so its up to you to pick up the good ones.
duno wat im writing, well.. yes just be yourself (in another way, anyhow u want to lead ur life, its YOUR life anyway wtf!)
it does bother me that ppl throw hurtful comments and i try my best to retaliate back or throw back harsh comments back at them and maybe ask them to try harder wtf!! and i agree with first commentor kennysia i think it is a part of growing up, and also the way we write is different because the number of people reading increased compare to when we first started and u dun want to hurt other ppls feelings (i have lots to say but i have to becareful of what i say). I know how it feels to have the money going into ur account (though confirm not as high as urs la) but then u still want the freedom to write whatever you want. But just find the balance between the money and ur freedom of speech and i’m sure you’ll find it easier. 🙂
this is something like Andy Lau Tak Wah’s case but yours a lot a lot better cause he now became bold already due to the revealed marriage and child or not whatever. Ha. You are a lot better than others leh. I blogged three years ago but people started to insult me since the first entry. My life is full with chaos since I was born lol FML.
i’ve been reading fourfeetnine too and i <3 you! 🙂
people tend to be judgemental & spiteful. as long as you know that you’ve not done anything wrong, heck with the hurtful words they say! smile smile! 🙂 you look SOOO cute when you smile, don’t frown aud! ar jia you jia you! 🙂
sigh … i’m sorry for all those brainless people who keeps on hurting you.
what i really don’t understand is, why do people throw such a harsh words online? is it because anonymous-ness makes them strong/brave enough to say some prank things to someone that they just simply don’t like? wtf corwards.
i feel your pain because i’ve been your shoes. and also few days i came across a forum where they talk bad about my father saying that he harrass a girl in his office WTF
but seriously no matter how much i think i’m used to the insults i still feel the pain whenever i see those. i really hate those brainless people who do this on the internet (or rather, who can do this ONLY on the net) i just hope they’re lifeless sober in their real life wtf
agree with kenny sia…aww..*hugs*
i’ve been reading your blog and Tim’s and Suet’s for like 4 months now, i always think that you are really cute.
This entry just hits me that you are a regular human being like all of us, your readers. We’ll support you in anything. i really hope that you can cheer up a bit.. *hugs*
I think you are really cute =DDD
I think short people are so much cuter than tall people okay!! (i’m like 178 cm and i think i’m a giant wtf I’m girl kay)
I wish I was short too =D
Hi Aud,
I’ve been a silent reader for a couple of years now. Just wanted to say that I can relate to what you’re going through as I have been on hiatus from my own blog for a while due to people reading my posts and then commenting (namely my dad who pretty much stalks me on FB, Twitter & my blog. I know, its weird).
What I must say is, don’t take those mean comments to heart as those people don’t know you and out of sheer boredom (I assume) that they attack your writing. I must say you have a flair for writing and it is your blog so you should be able to write what your heart desires and not give 2 hoots about what they say. If you want to write that you’re cute, by all means go right ahead. I find reading your blog very entertaining and helps me get through my day.
Keep up your writing and be strong! 🙂
can sorta relate to what u are sayin.. that is why i blog to stay annon… on one hand i’d love people reading it, on the other, i dun really want any shit to happen..oh well i guess in the end, i just want a place to record down things that had happend in my life..a place that one day i may just look at it and say, waa… i’ve been thru all these shit or waa.. i have finally made it in life.Or i may not even re-visit this place at all in the future…
bottom line is all trill seekers comes with some risks.. and its the risks that is actually thriling!! 🙂
Aud..you cannot satisfy the world need..why dont you just satisfy your own need??!
just ignore those people…ignorance is a bliss 🙂
“Jealousy” kill the cat?
No matter how please look at the brightside =)
Not everyone can deserve a good guy in their life and that’s why Aud received those negative comments. This show that tons of people are jealous with what you are having now and just try to hurt you with their words.
So stay strong and yeah again LOOK AT THE BRIGHTSIDE. Live your life but not control by others!
Cheers
i like your blog! visit here more often than kennysia.com or xiaxue. haha. PLEASE keep blogging. and i mean you can’t please everyone right? no point trying. i think you just gotta grow more thick-skinned and all will be well wtf. HAHA.
i mean you’re friends with kenny right? this seems to be one of the problems all famous bloggers face. ask him what he did? and feel better 🙂
i’ve been raeding your blog for quite a while (and totally loving it!) and i really dont know what to say but this:
fuck the world audrey.
you, audrey ooi, ROCK!
hey aud
there was this one time people were dissing me behind my back about my past. somemore i was having my exams and was uber stressed out and still had to deal with these incessant chatters about me.
something to do with my ex and the fact that i almost dated one of his friend’s brothers before i dated him. then came all the slander and harsh words.
i know right, wtf! none of your business who i date. gee its not like theyre blood related!
somemore after postbreakup its natural for the bf to give you the cold shoulder and the gf to be emo like hell cry all day long! and that was exactly it! and he didnt even lift a finger to clarify with his friends and i had to clear up every damn thg by my lonesome.
just sharing so you feel better.
a friend told me those gossipers just wanted to find some victims in their lives for them to pick on. some people dont even think its an effort dissing others, heck they do it just for the fun of it.
it comes natural to them maybe. maybe because they are rotten attention seekers who know their lives aint all that, clearly not enough spice y’all!
So there there, get up and smile again, because nobody can bring you down without your consent.
i know how u feel.. i stopped blogging about my feelings because there will always be an ‘Anonymous’ comment that slams me down… so i stick to pictures and captions. cheers, i’ve always loved your blog, before tim, before u became a ‘money sucking whore’ or whatever.
頑張ります！ ：）
Hi,
I don’t know what 4ft9 is for u but I can only tell you that I enjoy reading your blog.
Sometimes surrounding does nothing but to shape us to be better.Blogging style, ways of living and so on.
All I want to say is just follow your heart. Whatever it says,it is you. Whatever u do, u will be the one who endures. Sweet or bitter. It’s all yours.
I’m just a reader. Ur writing means something to someone out there. It may not be significant but u will never know.
Be strong.
=.=”
Forgive your enemies.
And i wanted you to be happy.
God bless you, Audrey!
cheer up! my sister has been through this stage before.. she gets hurtful comments all the time.. some people out there are just jealous and they start throwing hurtful comments hoping that those comments will make her feel like shit. but life still goes on..
i can see that you’ve got so much going on in your life. so why care bout what other people think..??
Okay lor I promise not to call you short anymore! Can I give you shit about your card-losing capabilities and cardigan-dunking skills then? I’ll buy you lunch if you let me! 😛
sara: thanks sara!
kennysia: 15 yrs ago i was 9 yrs old hahaha. but ur right la. it’s just that i thought im blogging worse now than i did 🙁
chennie: thanks chennie! im touched that your friends like my blog 🙂
solitary rose: ur right:) maybe i let it affect me too much
angie: thanks angie! its just something that i need to remember kua
alya: i like your quote! i also think it takes a lot of guts to say that phrase 😛
cheong hao: thanks cheong hao:)
jan: thank u! i’ll try to remember that haha
lisa: yes it would! *hugs back. thank u:)
pao pao: ya..after filtering for a while it starts to feel fake to the blogger themselves 🙁
jialin: thank u jia lin!
joisle: haha thanks! i dunno who these ppl are though
dolly: hahah why u so hardworking wan read all! but thank u:)
limbh: haha thank u!
mustardqueen: is that why u closed off your blog! how can i read ar:(
kylie: hahaha ur comparison very funny. why so bad wan all those people 🙁
apple: ya ur right as long as i know i did nothing wrong right!
kei: ya i think anonymity gives ppl courage to go out there and hurt ppl
vivienne: hehe thanks!
laura: ya im just like anyone la we’re all the same haha T3T
kristine: hahaha your dad damn cute. thank u!
totally: ur right! i want my blog to be a place where i can come back and revisit memories… not a front for someone i’m not 🙂
raymond: thanks raymond 😀
tian chad: awww thank you haha u deserve a lot of fans in your fb 😛
laura: thank u! haha ya i think kenny goes thru a lot of shit too. but he’s probably better than me at facing it 🙂
puripuri: hahahaha don’t la fuck the world wtf
sj: oh no sorry to hear that 🙁 but ya ur right la some ppl just do it for fun!
abby: yaaa exactly! thanks abby
miki: hai ganbarimasu!
wyee: thank u so much i really appreciated ur comment T3T
jimmy: haha thank u jimmy!
mich: ya i guess i have to get over it huh 😀
lunch buddy: ok as long as i dont have to be ur footstool wtf
not so much of the ending..think bout what u gain throughout the journey.. isn’t dat more important? n there is no way that 100% of the ppl in the world will like u..n of course..there is no way that 100% of ppl will hate you.. be wat u r for the ppl who like u k…
Ppl always demand for attention. Ppl always want to be famous. But once they are famous, they couldn’t handle the pressure and start to complain how they wish they could be the way they are back then.
So it’s either you choose to be famous n have haters (because u can’t possibly please everyone) or you be a nobody n have true frens n family with you. Life is always about opportunity cost.
Since u chose to keep this blog for money, then u juz have to stay strong n face criticism from readers. Who says life is fair and always beautiful?
there is a saying that the smallest dog bark the loudest. those who put hurtful comments are weaklings,trying to act tough to bring people down. don’t give them the satisfaction. I like reading blogs (yours, tim and kenny) because it gives me insight to how people live their live and how I can make my life as interesting as other people.
So…just be strong! You have a lot of readers being your support pillar. more than the weaklings who hurts you. Ever wondered that there’s more loving comments than hurtful comments on your blog?
I love ur blog! I love ur style! I love ur pics! I love everything u are..
HRPphm…
Without sounding too smothering, I don’t know why but I have this bizarre thing where I always feel the need to mother my friends…sorry I can’t help it… so you’ll just have to bear with me.
I don’t know if it would make you feel better that I tell you that I know what you mean – I doubt that helps but well… just know that you’re not alone in feeling like that. It doesn’t quite solve the problem but atleast you know that you’re completely NORMAL. Just like everyone else… or like me anyway (and I’d like to think I’m nearly normal).
But with my two cents worth… Don’t take the easy way out i.e. going anonymous or stop blogging…etc…
In life, there will be times when you feel like people have shat on your face and dragged you by your feet, face planted in the gravel. You can either go the easy way – get up, wash up and… get a plastic surgeon and fix your face and run away. OR you can get up, dust yourself off, and walk back up to them, shit in their eyes, and walk off head held high – scars and all and maybe even buy a house next to them as a neighbour.
Which would in the end feel better?
Am I making sense?? Lol… sorry if I don’t and I sound like a maniac.
Auds, I don’t yet know you well enough to say what I think you should do (but I will anyway… hahaha). Hold your head high and don’t ever let anyone look down on you or make you doubt yourself. You’re beautiful and you’re funny asssss!
If it helps then, take a break and then come back to writing things that make you happy – things that make you smile, laugh and pee yourself. They are ones that are the ones that are WAY worth remembering too.
*hugs*
hey.. Patty here from the PH. I’m a Nuffie in Manila and I like reading your blog!
Like you, I’m “fun sized” and i get teased a lot by people about my height. I always tell them, I don’t need to be tall to feel tall. 😉 Besides, ;), i think us petite gals have more fun.
We can’t please everyone. Whats important is we stay true to ourselves right? In the end, that’s what matters. Wouldn’t it be nice to look back and tell yourself, i lived it the way I wanted to. To hell with them. They’ve got so much negativity that it spills over to other things… They are just jealous. (Maybe they have crappy boyfriends. hihihi). anyway, kidding aside…
Always be a first rate version of you. And I think that’s what you’ve been..doing it YOUR way. I think that’s like totally awesome. Keep having fun girl! 🙂
hi aud =] your awesome haha if your blog wasnt entertaining then i wouldnt have put it on my bookmark toolbar and check it as part of a daily routine ahhaha! oh no’s i feel embarrassed saying that =/ but its true ! me and my girlfriend started saying wtf at the end of things and she has no idea why we do it…fourfeetnine is my guilty little secret and its staying that way haha
write whatever you want, we all wouldnt be here if we didnt enjoy it =]
thanks audrey, you make my life less boring wtf
be happy!
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.
-Dr.Seuss
Just blog about what you want and don’t care about the hateful comments. Like my friend says, people who are good at something doesn’t get haters. People who are really successful at something get haters.
yeah it was closed a while ago but i open back when i went back to KL for winter hols, it’s open back already haha why u so slow wan!!
stay strong girl!! everyone who has had a blog has gone through this, i wish u so much luck and success, don’t worry about what the haters say, you have a lot of support in your readers!
aiyo im late! anyway i’ve already said what i wanna say.
actually right if u read your archive i think u probably wrote something like this before no ar? i think i wrote something like this ten times before wtf. hopefully it really is just a phase? like when we get mean comments then we feel like ah fuck this blogging shit then we write an entry about it then we feel ok and be like normal again.
ah burden of beauty WTF i miss u and angie remember how we kept saying this phrase to make ourselves feel better wtf
muahhhh ♥
Hello Audrey! I’m a reader from Singapore and i honestly didnt know who the hell Tim was (i read your blog for you!) so im sure there is a percentage of readers who genuinely support you and not from tim… (if that helps lol)
Anyways tim is lucky to have such a cute girlfriend like you! =D Stay strong!
well yup,i too don’t handle people’s comments very well.i am too confused whether i’m a people pleaser or not.but the thing is dat the people surrounding make us sooo confuse of wat is right or wrong.and sometimes make us wonder if we ever did the right thing.and the next thing u know u have no idea who u r.u just got lost.ppl always seem to know u more than u know urself as they claim.like hmmmm…
to tell u d truth,i dun even know wat wud b d best advice or tips in handling dis matter.all i do nowadays is,to make decision which make me the happiest and just stick with it.doesnt matter if others think it’s coward or wat. u being happy,dat matters most.and just try ur best to go thru wif d outcome of ur decision n not let others waiver it.
wishing u d best of luck aud!
I guess this is just a phase where you become more and more popular and with that, there are more reader who love you, as well as who do not. Those who leave abusive comments have got nothing better to do; some are jealous of you, some are just taking advantage of the technology to be bitchy on the net without getting caught. Hope you can pass through this phase without much despair, because, we (including quiet readers like me) will always love you for who you are. fourfeetnine is always fourfeetnine, small but mighty, and no one can change this fact.
P/S. no i don’t think ppl know you as tim’s gf, as least i don’t, cos i read ur blog first before moving on to his, everyday.