AudVerbalDiarrhea

Weight for it

I never thought this day would come.

That I would suddenly be able to…

…put on weight wtf.

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Back when I looked like the photo on the right (resplendent in Harry Potter glasses and an overbite that could stab you to death), and all the way through high school, I weighed… 32kg.

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All the way up to pre-u when I looked like this wtf.  Yep, had only one eye wtf.

Anyway the point is, I used to be freakishly skinny my whole life.  I ate a lot but basically wasted my parents’ money because I never put on any weight and when I went around with Hsin, we’d look like walking skeletons wtf.

I think my mom might have attempted deworming me at some point too, convinced that the food I was consuming was going straight to snakes in my belly wtf.

But to no avail it was just my Olympic metabolism!

Anyway I went to America, also got on the pill, got cold, and ate my weight in food every meal.

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I put on something like 8 kg in 3 months WTF.

I was horrified but was unable to resist the damn dining halls wtf.  Every lunch and dinner I’d eat one plate of salad, one main plate of food, and a bowl of cereal WTF.  Then sometimes if I was in the mood I’d have ice cream.

But when I got back in the summer I naturally shed some of the weight, I think to 36 or 37kg.

And it stabilized the next year because I finally exercised some self control and stopped helping myself to three plates of food per meal wtf.   I still ate like one or two plates at a time and had fries and coke nearly every meal -____- but that was still enough for my metabolism to handle I guess.

Then! I went to Japan, where people have the longest life spans of anyone else in the world.

Where the food is amazingly healthy, and portions amazingly small.  I’m terrified of being hungry because I get nausea and gastricitis very easily if I don’t eat enough.  So before I went to Kyoto, I wrote to my host family to forewarn them that I eat a lot WTF.

And they did give me a lot of food!  My okaasan gave me portions as big as my otousan’s (father) and otouto (brother) but it was still less than what I normally ate T3T  Embarrassingly, my host sisters and mother all ate what seemed like ten grains of rice each in comparison.

So I’d buy snacks and hoard them in my room to eat at night because I didn’t wanna bother them in asking for more food T3T.  I also walked (or ran) for the bus and train every day so my weight dropped to like 34kg and couldn’t go up no matter how much I ate.

Then like that lo.  Final year of college my weight stabilized at about 35-36kg (Angela bought a scale for our room so I knew my exact weight was 35.8kg wtf)

Then I entered the work force T__________T And thar begun the neverending spiral into weightdom wtf.

Okla I exaggerate.  I think right now I’m about 39kg which while still very light, is the heaviest I’ve been.

And the scary thing about it is that number scares me.  I know I’m nowhere near fat but I still fear putting on any more weight.  And it’s scary that I’m scared wtf.

We’re so obsessed with staying thin because that’s what the media tells us.  And that’s what other skinnier girls with blogs show us.  If everyone else is slim with legs that go on forever, why would you want to be the (fat) sore thumb that sticks out from the other knobbly fingers?

I’ve been lucky enough not to worry about my weight before this, and I know I have no place to say it because there are people who struggle with real weight and health problems, and I’m not one of them.  But I’m not the only one either.

I talked to Angela and she’s exactly the same.  She doesn’t like being too thin but once she starts to put on some weight she gets nervous about the extra pounds.

It’s tragic that we all feel we have to adhere to society’s standards of what constitutes a beautiful body and do so to the point of obsession.

Isabella Caro, a French model who posed nude for an anti anorexia campaign, died of complications recently (although there is more to anorexia than simply wanting to be thin la wtf)

Haih write for so long in the end after I publish this I’m still going to go back to worrying about my weight.  Probably for the rest of my life -_-  Sucks being a woman sometimes.

  • http://www.musicaholic-a.blogspot.com amelia

    I get what you are trying to say. I feel that way too! I know I’m in my ideal weight (even some friends said I’m too skinny and so they feed me like nobody’s business wtf), but once I put on like 1 or 2 kgs, I started to worry about gaining more T_T

    And I’m agree. Being a woman is hard sometimes. Too skinny, ppl will say you are anorexic. Plump a bit, they say you are fat T__T

  • Akiko

    the ending to your post was….eh….very disturbing…

  • http://www.bforbel.com Belly B

    I know! I’m supposedly at my ideal weight too but for some reason, I feel flabby! I think it’s more about being fit than being skinny though. If you’re fit, you won’t have that big of a problem because you know that you’re at least trying to do something about it.

  • Safiyya

    If your worrying is like an alert then I think it is just normal. I mean if you gain 2 kg and you do not think by yourself ‘I should lose that or it stays on’ before you know it.. again 2 kg added and THEN.. before you know it you’re 70 kg, you can change your blog name to *seventykeegee* ..eh wtf 😛

    Meh, but in my personal opinion being toned is what importantst..

    Anyways, <3 your blog, muah!

  • sibz

    dont worry about it, gaining weight isnt half as scary as you think! im exactly like you, no amount i eat seem to do me any good. dewormed myself uncountable times (i work with animals so the extra deworming is needed) but im still stick thin. gave up trying to gain weight, gave up worrying and it’s just so much better that way!

  • http://xlilda.blogspot.com Lil

    I completely empathise at the moment. ><; I get so paranoid about gaining weight even though I am probably a bit skinnier than I should be.

  • emi

    i’m like you! i was like 36-28kg and ppl are telling me to put on weight. now tht i’m 41kg (still not ideal)i freaked out cos i couldn’t button up my bottoms and have armpit fats. yet i’m afraid tht ppl will slap me if i complain i’m fat. *weeps

  • lol

    count ur bmi!

    anyway im considered skinny being 43kg cos im 164cm but everything i eat collects at my abs. which gives me a distended tummy most of the time even after shitting 🙁

  • http://cityspontaneity.tumblr.com kehrol

    the asian mentality of “fatness” doesn’t help either. if your face looks a little rounder, you are “fat” if you fill out a bit more, you are “pui”. and people start making snide remarks like “WAH VERY PROSPEROUS HOR.” or “WAH FOOD IN AMERICA MUST BE VERY GOOD!”

    it’s all fucking annoying. and awful for the self-confidence of a girl.

    i’ve fought this my whole life, pretty much, and i think i’m at a stage where i’ve accepted that i will never be super skinny, and you know what? i don’t want to be super skinny either. i just want to eat healthy, eat what i want, in reasonable portions, be careful and be happy. the annoying people can just go die wtf.

    eat while you still have teeth la wtf.

  • http://cityspontaneity.tumblr.com kehrol

    and no.2 has a very good point.. a lot of malaysian/asian girls are “skinny” but not necessarily fit…

  • http://www.wretch.cc/blog/meltsinangie Angie

    the anorexia woman still has boobs *upset wtf

  • Baz

    Why is it ok to tell someone skinny to eat more, but you can’t tell someone fat to eat less?

    That said, eat less lah fatty wtf.

  • http://jwxwei.blogspot.com Jwxwei

    you look like Yankumi from Gokusen in the Harry Potter glasses pic wtf *random

  • http://www.walking-ixus.net/blog abraxis

    You alluded to getting older last entry; when that happens (and you start with white collar work), your metabolism begins to slow down.

    Exercise is in your future! Ugh.

  • Jessie Ooi

    its that picture for real? the french model…

  • Hsin

    Am still a walking skeleton. 🙁 Know what you mean though *points at face fats*

  • http://whatiseatinganny@wordpress.com Anny

    i totally get you. i never had problem with my weight till recently. i was thin before and now normal weight and fitter now but it affects me every time people say I am fatter now, it makes me feel real fat. i have to make a conscious effort to stop saying i am fat lest i offend those really fat people. haiyah, we women are a real burden to ourselves ;(

  • http://twitter.com/suzieuda Suziemclean

    If you’ve been skinny all your life, it can be terribly daunting to find yourself putting on weight, especially as you age.

    But it’s a natural process. You grow older, metabolism slows down, you weigh more than before. You get pregnant, you eat for two (or more) and you’re bound to put on weight. It’s normal. So don’t fear it and fear other people’s insensitive remarks. They have their own insecurities too.

    I have to stress the importance of eating healthily no matter what your age is. You may not put on weight from maintaining a regular diet of fast food and junk food, but trust me, it can mess up your insides especially your heart.

    Cholesterol doesn’t show on your weighing scale but it sure fattens your arteries. That’s why you hear people of normal weight and as young as 33 dying of cardiac arrest.

    So yeah, enjoy your food but be mindful of eating for your health, not for your weight.

  • shaza

    true..being a woman does sucked..my parents will always say it to my face that I need to lose more weight..they’ll always be like ‘ you’ll look prettier if u lose some weight’..and what’s ever sadder is I believe them…is being beautiful really what matters? it always is..no matter how many ppl say it isn’t…

  • http://vivienne-vvt.blogspot.com vivienne

    same! but im still OK i guess..just flabby..gonna do alot of firming i think=_= AND MY HEIGHT hasnt change since primary school!!!!! it’s still 4ft plus ONLY!! so i think i can fit into a 10-yr-old’s clothes and act kids..=p oh the perks..

  • Claire

    ? I honestly think that you look great and have nothing to worry about. But I totally get what you mean, I worry every day about my weight and I’m on a restricted calorie diet, it’s working fine so far.

    And speaking of anorexia, Jezebel recently posted about Kenneth Tong who’s championing some sort of ‘managed anorexia’. This guy is so ignorant that even Simon Cowell has called him out.

  • Lavenderfields

    Exercise my dear ! Sweat is the elixir of youth, not to mention they also increase your ‘food quota’. Appearance only last for a period of time ( we know tat everything goes downhill after hitting the big three O’ ). Haha, humor personality and intelligence is ultimately what that lasts and is remembered !!!

  • http://fourfeetnine.com Audrey

    Baz: you talking to (about) me?

  • http://fourfeetnine.com Audrey

    Baz: Sorry, its me Fat her

  • Lucy

    Now I know I’m not alone on this! I’m 5’2″ and my weight is around 40kg-43kg. I am really skinny and I really hope I may gain a few kg so that I can have curves! And just recently I gained 2kg and I got nervous too because my friends said it doesn’t really shows on my body, but it shows on my face 0_o My face is rounder now but my body remains skinny.

    And I know I have no right to be worried about it because there are much more people out there who have to deal with real weights and health problems. So I’m thinking I’m being a total b*tch for just being worried about my weight.

  • http://mccgurl.blogspot.com yinxian

    you look so cute when you’re in the photo beside the Harry potter-ish photo!!
    btw, I’m ngam ngam 5 feet and last time I used to be really skinny and always get complaint by my ah ma. and my dad said I looked like popeyes wife. T.T
    erm, until I’m entering my 18(after SPM, ntg better to do), I eat eat eat eat eat , then sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. I gained 6kg in half a year from 39 kg to 45kg.WTF.and lose the 6 kg in NS.When I was back, I dined at BBQ plaza and kimgary so often that, I gained all my weight back.
    and now it never drops.
    actually, I don’t mind about the pounds. I want my whole body to be fit and cannot find extra fats. If there’s something to push all my tummy fat to my breast, I will do it!
    and everytime I told my fren that I wanna work out, they will gimme those stare.T.T. but in fact I’m having a 26 inches waist. WTF. when I wear dress esp empire dress, I look like I’m pregnant lo.

  • tze

    baz: i agree! chris rock was going on about something like that in one of his comedy shows. If you tell someone thin to eat more, you’re ‘caring about her health’ whereas if you tell someone fat to eat less you are ‘patronizing her’. doesn’t make sense. what makes you think that when you tell me to eat more it doesn’t make me feel like shit that i look horrible skinny?

  • http://imsydney.blogspot.com sydney

    omg…. you changed a lot!! :O

  • Mindee

    Aud, i think u r very cute, sweet and a nice person 🙂

  • http://www.kayjen-ong.blogspot.com kayjen

    thanks for posting this. especially the last reference to isabella caro. i was quite sad when i heard about her passing 🙁

  • Waterlily

    Im having da same prob as u babe.. Sigh