This is something I’d been feeling for some time. I’d been wanting to blog about it too but I didn’t have the time and I wasn’t sure how I wanted to put it into words. But today something happened and I thought I MUST write it down here, if only for closure’s sake.
I don’t consider myself a jealous person. It could be because Fatty gives me A LOT of security and I’ve never had any reason to doubt him (thanks Fats!) so I’ve never had to be the jealous girlfriend in our relationship. And I’ve never felt jealous or envious of friends when good things happen to them partly because I am super uncompetitive and partly because if they’re my friend the happiness I feel on their behalf usually overpowers any feelings of envy I might have.
So when Fighter came along, I was totally unprepared for this huge wave of possessiveness and jealousy that engulfed me.
I’m lucky enough to have had a confinement lady for 1.5 months, and that Fatty got us a maid who lives with us to assist in the caring of the baby. Both were/are awesome – the confinement auntie did everything I expected and other things I didn’t even expect of her, and our maid has been fantastic with Fighter; she genuinely seems to care about him and takes a lot of pleasure in taking care of him.
But instead of feeling grateful or relieved, everyday I struggled with this ugly jealousy. The confinement auntie has done this for 17 years and our maid has 5 kids of her own so they’re obviously a lot more experienced than I am in handling babies. In the early days when Fighter got home, if he cried I couldn’t get him to calm down, but the minute the auntie picked him up he quietened down instantly and went to sleep. I felt inadequate and useless, even though it was my confinement and she was helping me.
And when the auntie went home, my jealousy stemmed from the maid instead. Like I said, she really seemed to like Fighter plus in retrospect I think she’s just trying to do a good job, so she observed how the auntie took care of him, and when the auntie left, she just picked up and did EVERYTHING for him.
I’d wake up in the morning with bursting boobs and find that she’d already bathed and gave him his morning feed. And instead of being busy with baby, all I had to do was lock myself up in the room and pump milk. Maybe that sounds like heaven for some women, but it drove me crazy. I WANTED to do all these for him but a stranger was doing all this, and way better than I was!
In retrospect, all this was easily resolvable because it was just a matter of managing her; she’s under our employment after all. And it’s a good problem to have because she’s just being overzealous and passionate about her duties lol. Wouldn’t it be much worse if she hated Fighter and neglected him? I talked to Wendy about this and that’s what she told me, but I struggled to see this.
The green monster of jealousy really blinded me wtf. When she bathed baby, she robbed me of the experience. When she bottle fed him, she took away my bonding time with him and relegated me to being a cow wtf.
Eventually, as we both got used to things we worked out a schedule of sorts. I do all feeds when I’m at home and I fixed Fighter’s bath times so I could make sure to be around for them. I do the night feeds as well, except for one because I hate pumping milk and if I have to wake up in the middle of the night, I might as well feed Fighter myself than pump.
And to her credit, I think she sensed my insecurity and made sure to defer to me or get my approval before doing anything.
And yet the possessiveness persisted. Fighter started learning to smile, and he seemed to smile at everyone except me!!! Even worse, he always smiled when he saw her. I nearly went mad wtf.
I searched “how will my baby know who his mother is” and “what if baby loves nanny more” so much until I think it’s saved on my phone already wtf. (it’s a common topic in forums I guess a lot of mothers feel this way FOL) Results seemed inconclusive – articles said he will recognize mother’s voice from inside the womb. But then how!!! I also talk to my maid what maybe he hears her voice and thinks that’s his mom leh!!!
I let it slip to my dad that I was worrying about this and he assured me that children will always know who their parents are, and that they know by the voice, smell and heartbeat. My grandma raised Ooib when he was a baby and he was super attached to her, but at the end he still knows who his mother is. I wasn’t sure about the first part but the second convinced me – if my brother still doesn’t know our mom I’ll eat my hat wtf.
Nevertheless, the feelings of insecurity still nagged at me although I told myself to stay rational and did my best to banish these thoughts to the back of my head.
But then, in the past week or two, Fighter has been smiling more and more…. and best of all, the minute he sees me now, he breaks out in the most beautiful toothless grin you’ve ever seen. :))))))))))))
Ok la I think he just smiles when he sees any human because he’s just an attention whore like that. Lol. But I somehow think… he smiles the most when he sees me now. 🙂
And today while visiting my grandparents in Penang, Fighter got cranky and started wailing. My mom tried to soothe him but he was having none of it.
So I asked her to pass him to me. And when I held him, he snuggled against my chest and fell quiet right away.
He knows his momma!!!!!
My finest moment yet wtf.
I was bursting with pride but I was like act cool, act cool.
Maybe he just likes me holding him, I dunno. But it’s amazing to know that after all the craziness and slogging day by day, he knows me and maybe loves me as much as I love him. 🙂