Okay so there was this thing going on for like half of 2014 with me. I never blogged explicitly about it but I guess I dropped hints here and there. If you hadn’t already guessed, it was a fight I had with a friend.
I didn’t want to air dirty laundry in public, but at the same time it killed me that I wasn’t getting closure! Maybe to other people, closure is just walking away but to me, closure means talking it out, telling the other person my side and listening to theirs so I could figure out what went wrong. Whether or not we manage to mend the relationship after that is irrelevant but normally I find that when two people talk it out in a calm manner, it almost always ends well.
(well for me it does anyway, cos I like to think my strength is I don’t have that much ego that I cannot see and understand a point of view different from mine. On the downside, I am very easily swayed and cannot join debate team or be a judge or lawyer cos Imma be like ‘oh ya true true good point’ wtf and have no rebuttal fml.)
But cos I didn’t have that closure, it drove me nuts. The more time passed, instead of calming down and forgetting, I got more and more upset. From a medium sized issue, it blew up into a huge thing inside my head and resentment kept piling on. All because I didn’t get to talk it out!
I guess I slowly started going crazy wtf. I raged that this person couldn’t even give me the peace of mind to move on, and I was stuck in this negative vortex of resentment. It didn’t help that this person was in my inner circle and I still had to see her at gatherings which further pissed me off. It bothered me so much I started to drop hints here and there that things weren’t right in this aspect of my life. It was as if everything was just simmering and now was threatening to boil over; in fact it did start to boil over and spill out in bits and pieces on my blog and Dayre already.
Maybe I subconsciously did it on purpose. Maybe I wanted to keep poking and poking so that the other person would finally have enough and agree to talk to me and I could let it out.
And on New Year’s Day, that happened.
We sat down (with a mediator, no less) and talked. I let out what I was feeling this whole time and then I listened.
And I realized that… she wasn’t really wrong. In my head, I’d built her up to be this super villain – this person who wouldn’t listen to reason, who did selfish things with no regard to how it would affect me, who was unethical, etc etc. But when I actually listened to her and found out the full story from her point of view, it wasn’t like that at all. A lot of it turned out to be horrible miscommunications and misunderstandings.
Sure, she had a part to play in exacerbating things since she was terrified of confrontation and therefore never spoke to me directly, resulting in tons of misunderstandings. But I wasn’t completely innocent either – I was emotional and rash. I didn’t realize it but I misphrased some things which came out sounding horrible and worsened the situation. And I placed blame without bothering to find us a proper solution.
For six months I convinced myself I was right and now I found out I wasn’t, totally. I wasn’t wrong, but neither was she. It was like we were both staring at a mug that had a different color on each side; we both saw the same mug but in a different color and while we were both right, we couldn’t agree what color it was cos we only saw things from our individual stand points. *philosophical
So that got me thinking. I’d always thought I was a good person. But in this case, while I won’t say I’m not a good person hahaha, I definitely didn’t do the right thing all the time. I was going to say next time I wouldn’t be so sure I was right in an argument. But it won’t be true.
It’s human nature to always think you’re right or that you’re good. If a bad person does a bad thing, do they think they’re wrong? No they’re likely justifying their actions in their head so their self perception still remains ‘a good guy’. For example, the hater in my previous post – he probably justified leaving hate comments for me as, “oh I don’t like her. I think she’s a bitch. Therefore she must be a bad person. Bad people don’t deserve nice comments. Therefore I am going to leave her a nasty comment HAHAHA! It’s okay to do it cos I’m a good person and she’s not.”
Or they may not even realize what they did was bad at all. Like me, in this situation with my friend.
Crimes aside, it’s not always straightforward deciding who’s good and who’s bad in a conflict. Most of the time both are a bit wrong and a bit right. Which is why I believe the best thing to do is to talk it out calmly and resolve it rationally.
Anyway, the talk was very therapeutic for us both. She’d never done it before so she said she felt ‘amazing’ wtf. Me, it was what I wanted so of course I felt awesome too. I apologized and she apologized. Once I talk it out and resolve things, I’m ready to forgive and forget immediately. It’s like a rainbow coming out immediately after the storm wtf. So that’s one relationship saved.
This happened on New Year’s Day, after six months of turmoil. I don’t normally trust in these things but I think it’s symbolic that resolution came on Jan 1. If what happened on the first day is a sign of things to come, I think I’ll have a very good 2015. 🙂