This morning (and the last) my neighbor’s very rude little boy woke me up at the ungodly hour of 8-9 am with his incessant shrieks at his pitiable Indonesian maid.It was pretty hard to miss him because he went on for about half an hour. Again this is why I hate children.
I finally fell asleep and dreamt I stalked into his house holding a meat knife and waved it in front of his face. When that didn’t work, I slammed his head into the wall.
Very cool right! I felt like the Terminator. *eyes shining*
Anyway, the past weekend has been a wonderful one for tops!
On Saturday, a mysterious parcel arrived from “Bobo” from Hong Kong. I ripped it open and tah-dah! It’s my green tank top that I ordered from Ebay that I thought had gotten lost in the mail!
And then later I went to Sungei Wang and got my Konkon top!!! *eyes shining more*
I call it the Konkon top because it’s the kind of top that Asami Konno of Morning Musume fame likes to wear.
I was lusting after this top on Ebay but while I was out and away from the computer, some sneaky woman stole in and outbidded? outbade? me!
You broke my heart, bitch. >(((((
I thought it was lost forever. I stormed around Sungei Wang hunting for a top that would take my mind off my love. And I found the same exact one!
I am so excited! I am as obsessed over this top as DarrenTan is over dota!
Let me show you:
Isn’t it the most beautiful top in the world?
And I have it! Cheaper than on Ebay too. Yay! *mexican wave*
And then I got a long grey top that the fourfeetnine shall wear as a dress. Only RM29.90!
I told you short people save money. And we live longer too.
But no pictures of the other tops cos everyone will say they’re all damn ah lian again and actually even the Konkon top is fugly >(((( (It is not.)
On a more serious note, I shall talk about my chinese medicine and sleeping habits.
For those of you who have been reading, I’ve been having some menstrual problems, i.e. my period has decided to make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
Western medicine hasn’t done a thing to make it return so Mummy Ooi has resorted to Chinese traditional medicine.
The sinseh said my body especially my kidneys (wtf?) is too weak so it’s like I have menopause now. Don’t look at me, that’s what he said.
So I have to drink a bowl of shitty-tasting soup twice a day. And the doctor says I have to sleep before 1am every night if not I’ll never get cured.
Sounds like bullshit to me but I’m not taking my chances because my period still hasn’t come back to me. And if it doesn’t come back to me, that means no Melbourne for sure.
So for the next few days you know what I’ll be doing – jumping and eating lots of pineapples.
Today after 1 and a half years, I decided to have another go.I got into the car and sat behind the wheel.
My brother’s face turned ashen.
My mother’s hands shook.
Only Suet sat back and relaxed.
That’s because she’s possibly a worse driver than me. HAHA.
I’m not that bad really.
I only got honked twice.
Both times by motorcyclists, one of whom was an Indian man who actually shook his finger at me. It wasn’t even my fault! He came from the wrong direction, even Mummy and Brother Ooi said.
If you must know, I’m finally getting some time behind the wheel because Suet and I have to go to Bukit Damansara on Wednesday and I’m hoping hopefully to drive us there.
Suet is hopeless / lagi cannot harap because she just got her P whereas *I* finished my probation period last year.
For lack of topics, some pictures!
Me and Brother Ooi.
The Parents Ooi
Ya thanks for making me look fat.
Ooi family excursion to Actor’s Studio.
Er Ooi extended family wtf.
Ok gotta go. Mummy Ooi is yelling from the top of the stairs telling me to go to sleep because of my stupid chinese medication.
More tomorrow.
Yes, I am aware that I haven’t updated for a long time but I’ve been a busy woman haven’t I?Hsin’s hospitalised with dengue fever. :((((((((( Get well soon, woman! I’ll come as often as I can and entertain you:))))
I’m on my second temp job, this time at this electronics company in Glenmarie, which is another name for Middle of Nowhere.
I like temp jobs because if you don’t like it, you can comfort yourself that you’re going to be leaving these pissy idiots soon.
My supervisor is driving me up the wall!!!
Everyday she keeps coming up to me to tell me that my clothes are inappropriate.
Just because I don’t have straightened hair and glasses like her, and my clothes don’t consist of black skirts, black pants and striped collared shirts!
The first day I was wearing a green tank top, black half cardigan, white skirt and gold ballet flats. OK la shaddup if you feel like commenting about my color coordination.
Supervisor hurried up to me, mumbled something about my skirt being inappropriate and scooted off again.
What’s wrong! It’s just a decent length white cotton skirt with a jagged hem. Ok so fine, this happens to be the same skirt that went up my ass while I was walking around in Bukit Bintang last year.
But I checked and it wasn’t tucked up my underwear! Jealous issit my skirt nicer than her Comma black pants.
Then the next day I wore a white blouse (very see mun!) and knee length formal-like brown pants.
She beckoned to me and told me “we’re not allowed to wear shorts around here.”
WHO’S WEARING SHORTS! YOU THINK I’M SO STUPID TO WEAR SHORTS TO WORK? IT’S PANTS OK! PANTS! MORE LIKE CUELOTS ALSO!
The day before I saw another colleague wear a halter and a t-shirty kind of top outside! She can wear like that why I cannot!
I suspect she’s just happy to have someone lowlier than her to boss around.
When she’s not making comments on my outfits, she’s making me check people’s toll/parking receipts to make sure they’re not cheating the company.
I hate her.
I spent the whole of today peering at small faded pieces of paper, checking the numbers against lists and stabbing at a calculator (harder when I cannot get the numbers to tally), thanks to her.
Damn mean. I hope she stays at this job forever21 wtf.
Melbourne mission has been temporarily derailed. :((((
I have the most amazingly terrible luck with jobs. Dah lah I don’t even get callbacks or replies for most of the jobs I apply for. But for the ones I do get, something happens to a big portion of them, like they don’t need me anymore, or the event was postponed, or they suddenly can’t meet me, or it rains while I’m going to see the interviewer.
So this time, a Siemens job I was supposed to be doing has been postponed to dunno when. :((((((((((
EH FASTER INTRO ME TO JOBS LA WHOEVER KNOWS!
Moving on, I have finally returned to my bimbo roots and thus am going to talk about my hair today.
(Actually, I refuse to refer to myself as a bimbo anymore and I forbid anyone to call me one too because too many people are saying proudly that they’re bimbos and I don’t want to be same as them.)
(But I am really the original bimbo also original pink lover wtf)
Anyway. I got bored of my boring old bangs and stupid boring straight hair behind.
So I got a haircut.
Yucks. Boring two-toned hair with overgrown length.
Aiya cannot see properly.
Die la I lost my ability to camwhore. Actually I’ve been pampered by Angela’s power swivel screen camera and her power non-shaking hands. Whenever I have to take a picture, my hand has a will of its own and waves like Queen Elizabeth.
From the side. That’s not really the shape of my lips, I’m just doing my pan cute mouth.
Then I colored it. I think it’s a little bit on the bright side, even for me.
But I like it, and only RM75!
The color damn kam right?
Again, John Tang is god.
At coloring I mean, the cut is someone else.
Meow and I (with Min in tow) harrassed him at his house again, demanding that he dye our hair for us at ridiculous prices.
I am happy!!
But Meow is not, cos her color is too red and lala and only people like Audrey will like it so you better not ask her for her opinion anymore. :((((
Please pray that my Intensive Medium Blond does not change after washing to Poh Kong Gold.
P/S: Oh ya, my camera rosak already thanks to MEOW FONG so I had to resort to taking webcam pictures. :(((
Emailing Yen about what I’ve been doing in 3rd world Malaysia, I’ve decided to tell you people what I’ve been busying myself with recently.The past 3 days I’ve been working as a substitute receptionist at a Japanese shipping office. Everyone there is very nice and friendly, but there were a few weird characters.
TodayI picked up the phone, “(Company Name), good morning.”
“HALLO! AH INI SUZANA ADA?” (HALLO! AH IS SUZANA THERE?)
“Sorry, Suzana is on leave.”
“PERGI MANA?!” (WHERE DID SHE GO?)
“On leave, on leave.”
“MANA DIA PERGI?!” (WHERE DID SHE GO?)
(losing patience) “MANA AKU TAHU! DIA CUTI LA!” (HOW WOULD I KNOW!? SHE’S ON HOLIDAY LA!)
“BAGI SAYA DIA PUNYA HANDPHONE NUMBER SAYA TAK BOLEH CALL DIA!” (GIVE ME HER NUMBER, I CAN’T GET TO HER)
“SAYA TAK ADA ITU PHONE NUMBER LA!” (I DON’T HAVE IT LA!)
“ITU SUZANA BANYAK KESIAN TAU, AGENT DIA HUTANG DIA SEKARANG SUDAH MAU LARI DENGAN DUIT DIA!” (Suzana’s very pitiful, her agent owes her money and wants to run away with it now)
That was too much for me and I transferred her to my boss.
As you can see, two years in the States has also deteriorated my Malay unbelievably. (When we were getting Hsin’s sis’s present wrapped, I asked the wrapping guy, “Eh apasal itu wrapper kasi potong?” I’m turning into my mother.)
There was also this Indian man at the office who was very friendly to me and always stopped at my desk to chat.
“Eh Audrey so how old are you?”
“21.”
“Oh, no wonder you’re wearing that gold key around your neck.”
“Yea la, my mum gave it to me.”
“Not boyfriend gave wan ar?”
“Er, no. Why should boyfriend give key?”
“Got, key to unlock your viriginity!”
WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Cibai fucking gross la. I should sue for sexual harrassment.
As of late, I’ve also been helping (by help I mean kaypoh-ing and being a general nuisance to) my friend Xin Yu, who is making an artsy independent film for a competition . Cool huh?
I get to be the makeup artist and costume designer. :)))))))))))
Besides that, I also have to do important tasks like hold Ikea table lamps for extra light (we don’t really have proper filming equipment), draw/pull curtains when they tell me to, change the music on the laptop, etc etc. Overall, I would say I’m quite an important person in this project.
I don’t know if Xin Yu wants me to show you pictures of the movie, later copyright infringment dunno what, since I’m just the lowly lamppost. So I’m just going to show you the teeniest of sneak previews.
Xin Yu looking all professional with her linen pants (which I’m lusting after)
This is the only shot of the film you’re going to get. It was taken by me and the lead as you can see is Hsin. The reason I’m putting it up is because it looks damn artistic and everyone is quite amazed I can take such a photo because for all my camwhoring, I have no camera skills at all.
Me carrying out my important task of holding up table lamps, and pretending to be a ghost at the same time.
Me having some fun with my best friend, the lamp. This is my animal shadow impression of Usagi Chan.
This is Madame Butterfly.
This is Gef the talking mongoose. No la it’s just Lil Bow Wow.
This is Hsin destressing at Toys’r’us. As you can see, there’s a smiling monkey hanging down from her boob. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My signature pan cute pose has always been the fist thing at my jaw:
eh sorry wrong photo wtf.
I have decided to change it to:
Putting peace signs to your ears and shouting “usagi chan peace” because it annoys and confuses the hell out of people, especially Darren Tan.
Today the Oois were supposed to have a family day and go out to watch a movie.But unfortunately there were no tickets left. We didn’t want to take the risk of driving all the way to Pyramid of Midvalley or wherever and finding out no more reserved tickets either.
So we decided to cancel plans for tonight.
Fat Her came skipping down the stairs, crying “Let’s Go!”
“Eh daddy, some other time only go la, no tickets somore raining.”
“Har?! What does rain have to do with it? I got dressed up in my Sunday Best for this!” said Fat Her, smoothing down his shirt for emphasis.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Er, never mind la, go tomorrow okay?”
“Tomorrow I’m going to Ipoh,” grumbled Fat Her.
“Yes ar? When are you coming back?”
“Never again.” whined Fat Her and then he sulked in the corner.
HAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Last Saturday I went to Hsin’s 7 year old sister’s MacDonald’s birthday party.
Very fun okay! When was the last time any of you went to such a party?
There were party hats!
And the coolest cake in the world! The whole thing was made of jelly, from some shop in Puchong. I loved it and I don’t even like sweet foods!
Everybody. Damn poor thing, she invited 15 people and only 5 said yes, because the rest were off somewhere on holiday. However, only 4 turned up and one of them is someone’s older sister.
Incidentally, I also had a Macdonald’s birthday when i was a kid when nobody turned up except my best friend and my brother’s best friend and his younger sister. Damn sad ok! Wanted to cry but the day was saved by the cake and presents.
All the kids. What’s with the look on my face, dammit. The kid in the pink spaghetti strap top was damn annoying. She thinks she knows everything and she told me I was rude and had no manners because I was still eating my chicken while we were playing games. This is why I hate kids.
She also said she’s not ever going to get married because she hates boys.
I told her wait 5 more years and come say that to me again.
Oh ya, we had to play party games with the kids cos there wasn’t enough kids. I got kicked out first in every game because
(a) these games are actually pretty hard; please don’t look down on them.
(b) the Mcd’s organiser woman berat sebelah and kicked out the 3 of us old people for the slightest mistake. Padahal she gave so many chances to the 7 year olds.
Stupid 7 year olds and adults laughed at me because I dropped my jelly cake on my skirt when the rest of them ate theirs neatly and without incident.
We damn pretty hor. *runs away*
Dammit I didn’t want to talk about this, because every giggly girly gigolo girl wtf has been blabbing on and on about Forever 21 and how great it is.Hell no, it freaking sucks!
I memang didn’t have any hopes for it already. But as I neared the shop’s front, a treacherous surge of hope went through me because the decor looks exactly like the US stores.
But what a major disappointment it was.
The clothes were like less than half the variety they have in US. Fine la, cos after all they imported them here ma give chance a bit.
But I guess they also decided to tailor it to the Malaysian market also cos most of the clothes looked like clones of Topshop’s baju.
Langsung doesn’t catch the essence of Forever 21. I wouldn’t wear 90% of what they had there also because there’s none of the pan cute clothes that I only wear wtf.
Some more so expensive!
When I looked at their undies and saw they were selling for RM29.90, I nearly had a fit and tore the panties to shreds. Shit! In the US, they’re selling their underwear for USD1-3 okay! Don’t buy because it’s a freaking con job!
****Er, if anybody from Forever 21 is reading this, sorry ar.
I’ve decided that even if I die I will go to Melbourne this summer.
But Mummy Ooi says I only have a chance to go if I earn my fare.
So! Who has a job for me? Or who has agents they can recommend me?
Preferably I would like those event promo kind of jobs where you don’t have to see your boss’s face 5 days a week, where you get to stand around and hold handphones or flyers.
But since it’s quite possible that people will mistake me for a 12 year old dwarf, I shall settle for an office job too, if good pay and easy la!
So so. Please give me suggestions la:(
I’m back from my weekend in Penang, land of underage Ah Lians and Ah Bengs.Honestly. Sitting in McDonald’s in Gurney Plaza I felt like it’s high time I registered myself in the Little Sisters of the Poor Home for the Aged or something wtf. (That’s a real old folks’ home in Penang btw)
In concordance with today’s trend, Standard 6 to Form 2 students were seated in big groups galore, surrounding me and Brother Ooi and our fries, probably on their first group date.
The girls had either
(a) long black straightened hair with straight across bangs *touches own fringe self-consciously* OR
(b) bowl cuts forced on them by discipline teachers in their respective Chinese schools, no doubt
(c) Sungei Wang type halter tops with random prints on them
(d) Converse lookalikes with colorful metallic laces
The boys had
(a) 1 kati of gel on their heads to try to cool-ify their Chinese school short haircuts
(b) shirts, pants AND slippers
One poser went one up: he had a cigarette stuck through his hoop earring. When I saw it I almost stood up and whacked him on the back of his head.
Daddy Ooi said, “Wah, nowadays children so grown up already hor. Much more well-endowed compared to last time also.”
“Yalah.” Couldn’t say much as I was too busy grabbing fries so Fat Her or Brother Ooi wouldn’t have a chance at them.
“Last time at that age you used to be so ugly.”
WTF.
Brother Ooi chimed in, “Hahaha yalah! At form 1 you were still wearing the green frock!”
(The green frock in question was some British India creation with puffy sleeves and a skirt that reached below my knees, which had a tendency to get soya sauce and chinese tea spilled on it. Yalah I was still wearing those kinda things at age 13. Don’t ask why la I also dunno)
Today I brought up the topic again. Fat Her Ooi was looking at the array of photo frames we had of pictures of me in different stages of my life.
He scrutinizes a photo of us and 12-year old me at Disneyland. “Imagine, last time you used to look like that.”
“Was I that ugly?” I frowned.
“Ya, quite worried at that time. We thought ‘si lah, boh sui eh’. (Die lah, so ugly wan) Luckily you turned out fine.”
“How did you even love me then?” I sulked.
Fat Her laughed and skipped up the stairs.
Okay I must talk about this stupid idiot who’s pissing me off.To protect ITS privacy (okay la, not to the extent of hiding the gender la, it is actually a she), I have decided to give her a pseudonym.
Let’s call her Repulsa.
Cause she’s a repulsive bitch.
Hahahahaha. No la I wouldn’t call her repulsive. But she’s horrible enough.
Even before I met her, she already hated me. Why, you ask? Because I am friends with her boyfriend and when I cut my hair short, he commented it was nice and casually suggested to her that maybe she would look nice with my haircut.
And ever since then, she hated me from the bottom of her black little heart.
Makes sense ar, you tell me?
Things got even worse after that cause I came back from the US, and went for lunch with Darren Tan. Darren Tan decided to call out Repulsa’s bf (who I repeat is also my friend and had been even before Repulsa met him) Repulsa found out about it, threw a bitch fit and broke up with him.
BROKE UP WITH HIM BECAUSE HE YAMCHA WITH ME!!!
Oh, I’m such a slut! Why am I going around drinking tea with other people’s boyfriends? Why didn’t I bring along another chaperon, other than Darren Tan?
Honestly, I should give myself a good smack for not stopping Darren when he called up Repulsa’s bf. Where are my morals? Goodness, I do hate myself.
Fuck off la!
Is it my fault that your bf just commented he likes my hair ar?
Did I strip naked and dance in front of him while whipping my head from side to side, beckoning him to admire it ar?
Should I wear a wig next time? Or shave my head? CIbai have some sense la.
I thought I was a jealous girlfriend, but obviously not, compared to this nutcase who broke up with the boyfriend because he met up with me (with Yeff!)
It wasn’t even me who called him out!! Can go crazy with these kinda people.
Last year, at Darren Tan’s farewell, Repulsa showed up too (even though I doubt she likes Darren too much either).
Keep in mind that I have never ever seen this deranger (deranged + stranger, get it? HAHA).
I turned around and she happened to be behind me.
She was staring at me so I automatically raised my hand and waved and smiled at her.
She gave me the Stare of Death.
Which is her lips pursed, her head tilted back a bit, and her eyes shooting daggers at me.
Then she went to eat her dinner which, that night, was one slice of watermelon because she’s not really into food.
When she went to Melbourne to visit her bf, he happened to mention my name, which provoked her to whisper secretively in his ear, in front of Darren Tan.
Wah how I feel like giving her a good kick in the pants. I don’t know if she was talking behind my back, but she’s certainly capable of that seeing as to how she called someone else’s girlfriend a “piece of shit” behind her back right after meeting her for the first time.
Why, is she jealous because I’m thinner than her and I don’t have to skip meals to be this way?
Argh just thinking about her makes me itchy all over.
Got such people in this world. Buy some brains la stupid.
Like a thousand other people, I went to watch Grease at Dewan Plenar/Plenary Hall.And I hated it, not because the moral of the story sucked, but because they exercised full creative license and freaking changed the whole story.
Actually I have nothing against the story line of Sandy changing her identity to fit in more with Danny and his friends. There’s no need to be so politically correct / righteous / have such a big stick up your ass.
So she changed her dressing for him. He also changed for her what. From a bum / hardcore bad boy, he took up track and started wearing a letter jacket what. It’s just a light story la no need to get your panties all in a bunch over it.
Speaking of politcal correctness, there are these two girls at Mt Holyoke who are freaking uptight. See on Facebook, which is like Friendster, except for college students, we have Interest groups like Friendster too.
So there’s this Facebook group called “I’d Trade my One Card for a Night with Johnny Depp”.
(One Card is the MHC all access card for entry into buildings, swipe card for meals, ID etc, aka v. v. important piece of plastic)
Then those two idiots, who are very tight-assed and feminist and politically correct, came up with their own Facebook group to retaliate =.= “I Would Never Trade My One Card for a Night with Anyone Because I Need It”.
Like WTF!! Get 20 cents and go buy yourself a sense of humor, can or not?
Cannot take a joke ar? It’s just a freaking Facebook group, I’m in it and I dont even think Johnny Depp is that hot.
Okay so back to Grease.
I hated it because the two leads were terrible. In the movie (which I loved), Sandy was this innocent, sweet, naive person who was very endearing. In the musical, I was stuck with the feeling that Sandy was only pretending to be sweet, BECAUSE OF THE WAY HER VOICE SUDDENLY SUDDENLY SWITCHED OCTAVE AND BECAME DAMN GARAU AND FIERCE.
WTF!! It’s like watching a transvestite in action. (No offense to transvestites) Or Ursula in Little Mermaid who sometimes acts sweet but halfway thru, her voice always changes register and she starts yelling in a hoarse man voice.
Now to Danny Zuko. I fell in love with John Travolta in the movie okay. But this stupid Danny Zuko was damn wimpy – hardly said anything, even gave up the Greased Lightning song to Kenickie to sing *sobs*.
What a complete waste of money.
The best time we had the whole day was taking pictures. Heehee I love this one.
We bumped into Jolene! I was too busy looking at her shoes to notice it was her:D
I am back! *stands with arms on hips and stares off into distance*I would have blogged earlier but I was impossibly busy with impossibly important things like:
a) going through Malaysian dishes bit by bit – no more chicken cordon blue, mexican rice, Texas BBQ sauce, General Tso’s chicken, curry that tastes like dhal, etc.
b) forcing Brother Ooi and Suet to watch Sex is Zero with me
c) forcing Mummy Ooi to watch 1 Litre of Tears with me
d) taking a shower twice a day, which is like 4 times my usual amount. Hahaha sorry la for shoving this tasty tidbit into your face! But US very cold and dry ma, why shower and wash away my useful oils. wtf.
e) re-reading Stephen King’s The Stand. Dunno why for the past year I had an insatiable urge to read about the end of the world again and almost resorted to buying it on Amazon
f) embarrassing Hsin in front of Alvin Lam
g) beating jetlag
Interesting things that happened during my flight home:
a) much next to my dismay, sat next to stern-looking Taiwanese woman on flight from Chicago to Tokyo gave me disapproving looks when I told her I was majoring in Asian Studies in US and who brought her own Tupperware for juice refills
b) got my eyebrow tweezers confiscated in Singapore because they were worried I might stab somebody with them. Dangerous things, those. =.=
c) was only helped by kwai lous with my luggage. Asian men tend to pretend they don’t see your arms being pulled from your sockets and only help when you drop your stupid pink suitcase with a loud thump on your own foot and your eyes fill with tears.
d) This is by far the worst! I cleverly decided not to bring my laptop case with me cos very heavy. Instead I fit my laptop into my polka dot shoulder bag and then also inserted a bottle of water in it.
When I reached Chicago, I was horrified to find that the whole inside of my bag was wet and the water kena my laptop also! Murmuring with fear, I wiped it off best as I could and TURNED IT ON. It worked so I put it back into my bag.
Later on, in the plane I turned on my laptop again to watch Hello! Morning. Watching halfway, the picture froze and the screen went black and they said something about not being able to boot!?!?!?
Panicked, I TURNED IT ON AND OFF 4 TIMES IN A ROW AND ALL ALSO CANNOT.
Kept seeing the stupid black screen where they say they can’t boot the system or something and asking me if I want to change any options, like which do I prefer to use to boot, the internal HDD system or CD drive or dunno what, which might as well be in another language to me, all the use it did.
I finally gave up and resigned myself to a fate of being yelled and beaten by the Oois and no chance of ever going to Melbourne.
But but! In the transit hotel in SIngapore, I turned it on again and as usual cannot. But then suddenly I became damn smart and started fiddling with the options. Then I restarted it. And it worked!!!
Till this day I thank god several times a day.
Before I forget,
Happy Anniversary to Me!!! (and to Darren Tan.)
Maybe I should start acting more grateful for his existence and post more pictures of him because he is possibly more pan cute than I am.
I keep telling him we’re the cutest couple in the world but he doesn’t get it.
Yah, thanks a lot, boyfriend. Leroy looks cute and constipated too. wtf.
Eating fries and gravy in downtown Toronto
Who’s cuter? No, seriously. This is the source of many of our uh, disagreements.
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