T_____________T
Did nothing today except wake up, eat, watch half of Walk The LIne, and write 968230952 pages of work.Okay so it was more like 5.
So are you sure you want me to blog everyday? Because I am obviously lacking something, like a life.
Because I am a big fat blog stalker and a bitch, and because I am suffering from a migraine, air in my stomach and full-time mengadaness, I shall talk about types of people I hate.
I was actually having this conversation with Angela in which she asked me, “Eh which kind of girls do you hate the most?”
I promptly answered, “Those who like to act cute and young and refer to themselves in the third person.”
For example, I might say, “Audrey is soooo happy today! Because her sWeEt AnD lOvInG BaBy bought her a new bag!”
Doesn’t that work better than a finger down your throat?
.
Why? Why? Why do you insist on making yourself sound like you’re an airhead lacking proper speech capablities with the mental ability of a 2 month old? I will never understand it. It’s not attractive, it’s not cute, and it makes me feel like you deserve to have your nose broken.
Angela asks again, “Then what kind of guy do you hate?”
“Those that cry.”
Hahahah ok not exactly those who cry, but I hate guys who try to act sa jiao/manja/teh towards girls and those that use fucking animated emoticons in MSN conversations.
You know, those that when you tell them you can’t talk to them anymore because you have to go eat dinner, they freaking put an emoticon of some unknown anime character flooding himself with tears.
Are you a man or not? Can you please stop snivelling on my shoulder? And while you’re at it, let go of my ankles.
I’m telling you, I don’t care how many times you whine “But I’m a SNAG!”*, no girl is going to even stand next to you if you’re going to keep looking at her with sad eyes and pulling at her sleeve *metaphor only la*
Girls want a real MAN ok, you know like those that wear loinclothes and thump on their chest?
Wtf wtf. No la, but they would probably like you a little more if you play it cool and don’t call her 5 times a day to ask her sweetly, “HI what are you doing” and if she asks you why you called, never say “No reason ark.”
(Alnother good thing to remember: Never call her and say: Oi where are you?”
Other types of people I find really annoying:
Girls who open their eyes so big when taking photos that you can see their forehead creasing. I always feel like squeezing my eyes shut when I see pics like that. But everybody hates them so I kinda feel sorry for them now.
Those that threaten suicide to keep the partner from breaking up with them.
Those that use random Japanese words and phrases in their conversation. God, do I hate them. They like to type “Angel des~!!” in their Friendster profiles and when encouraging a friend, write “Kanpatei” instead of Ganbatte, and also ask repeatedly if you think they are “kawaii desuka~~?”
Just thinking about it makes my migraine get worse.
I was watching this Taiwanese show where they were demonstrating how to curl your hair. And one of the models kept shouting at the top of her voice “Kawaii!!” everytime the camera panned to her. Oh yes, she would also tilt her chin down, open her eyes wide and smile with her mouth closed everytime the camera neared her too. I don’t know Chinese so I don’t know what she was saying, but I’m sure if I did I would have realised that she was referring to herself by name too.
ThOsE tHaT tYpE LiKe ThIs. But everybody hates them too.
Guys who think they’re all that and that every girl likes them.
But at least I’m not like Ben who says he hates “girls who are fat but wear damn little.”
* SNAG – Sensitive New Age Guy
I’ve written 4 lines of my anthro essay and I really think I deserve a rest.What’s that you say? Get B- for anthro already still dare to talk like this?
Okay la, At least one paragraph. Wait ar.
*tick tock tick tock*
There. One paragraph.
This at-least-one-blog-every-two-days thing is harder than I thought. Who knew I would have so much trouble thinking up a blog topic?
Thankfully, today something blogworthy occured.
Yalah another shittily embarrassing incident.
And if you’re wondering, no I did not shit my pants.
This afternoon, I went for my usual bout of diarrhea in the toilet. Funny, now that I think about it I’ve been having diarrhea ever since spring break, which, being almost two weeks ago, is quite a scary thought actually. Either I must have some terrible food poisoning or my bowels are no longer functioning normally.
Spring break, I spent so much time in Yen’s toilet that I managed to read the whole Encyclopedia of Music while sitting on the throne. I now know every musical instrument there is and a whole bunch of classical composers and which century they were born in.
So anyway, after my diarrhea, I went back to my room and did some work (when I say work, I mean stalking Friendster, and when I say stalking Friendster, I mean click ing on cute girls’ profiles and feeling jealous and ugly:( )
When we went out for dinner, only did Angela (and I) realise that I had, after going in the toilet, unwittingly tucked a foot-long length of toilet paper into my pants and was going around with it trailing behind me.
Let me die, let me just die.
Angela was so shocked that she could only stare at the back of my pants while I asked her impatiently, “What? What?”
If you must know, I always put toilet paper on the seat (who knows got what bacteria germing there? Maybe I got my bladder infection that way you wouldn’t know! Cannot take risks!). I must have kepited the paper in the elastic of my pajama pants when I pulled them up again. Shit.
My life just has to be chock full of things like tucking toilet paper into my pants, tucking my skirt into my UNDERWEAR and walking around with my fly undone.
At least I made Yen laugh.
Honestly, I really should blog more. This blog used to be my prized possession (next to my abundance of cuteness HAHA), but now it has lain neglected for more than a week with no other activity than Leroy being a pest in the comment box.From now on, I shall blog at least once every two days. My life is passing me by day by day and I should have something to chronicle it at least.
Anyway, the reason why I’ve been too busy to blog is because I actually have a life.
Yes as a failure. My life is a failure. No la no la my studies are a failure.
I’ve been spending my time (trying to) study because I am, apparently, a BAKAJO aka Stupid Girl.
I studied the whole spring break for my Japanese midterm, while Angela studied on the plane on the way back to Vancouver and Yen probably studied 2 minutes before the test, and they got a B and an A for it respectively, while ME AUDREYBAKAJOOOI got a shitty B- which is the lowest grade I’ve ever heard anyone get at Mount Holyoke.
I also got a B- for my Anthro midterm because I obviously don’t understand questions too well.
Maybe I should blog in Japanese now because practice makes perfect.
Also, during student workshops for my Creative Writing class, a girl told me I should go to the SAW center (center for teaching writing/language usage) because apparently my grammar sucks as much as my Japanese and Anthro.
So,
failure in studies
failure in money because I’m broke
failure in work too because nobody will offer me a job
:((((((((
I am so homesick that visions of home are flashing in my head every few minutes.And I’m not even doing my usual exaggerating this time.
I counted, and by the time I return to Malaysia in May, I would have been away from home for 8 1/2 months.
EIGHT AND A HALF FUCKING MONTHS.
In the time I’ve been away, someone could have gotten pregnant and given birth! Think about it: I’ve been away long enough for a human being to be created. Who knows, I might come home and find Jia Min/Hsin cradling a baby at their bosom.
No small feat, I must say, for someone four feet nine, and considered a child by many.
It certainly does not help that Stupid Angela keeps rubbing it.
“Oh! I really want to go home soon! I miss it so much!”
“….. you just came from there yesterday.”
“Oh! I miss Ben!”
“…..shouldn’t I miss Darren more?”
“Oh! My period still hasn’t come; it’s 3 days late!”
“…..My period hasn’t appeared in over 2 fucking months.”
Yes, it’s official. I am apparently turning into a MAN.
Medicine doesn’t seem to be working fast enough to cure me, so the only sign that I am a girl (boobs don’t count since I have none) has disappeared.
Mum & Yeff did some online research and came up with some symptoms that people with my condition have, and surprisingly I don’t have that many after all.
1) People who eat red meat are more prone to this illness – I hate beef!
2) People with this disease are fat – I’m practically anorexic
3) People with this disease usually have excessive body hair for eg. on the back – I don’t even have enough hair on my head how to have excessive body hair?
4) Acne – not a problem either
5) Male pattern balding or thinning hair – fuck. Don’t tell me I got this one?
What if this condition can’t be cured and my body starts releasing male hormones more than female and I seriously become mannish?
OMG please la I don’t want to turn into a boy!
Barry Ooi will have a brother instead of a sister!
I’ll have to change my name to Aubrey! Or Andrew.
Darren Tan will have to break up with me or turn gay.
I guess Hsin, Jia Min, Angela, Yen etc will gain a gay best friend.
I’ll have to start wearing Quiksilver instead of Roxy. Don’t want la Quiksilver always likes to make their products blue or grey only. And I hate the color blue the most of all.
What else? I’ll fail to get my next visa for US cos they’re more strict with guys.
I’ll have to burn all my bras. Or give them to someone’s sister. wtf.
Oh well, the only thing is I don’t need to change schools since Mt Holyoke accepts sex changed girls.
While I’m still a pretty girl (I hope), I shall post as many pictures of myself as I can.
*****WaRnInG CaMwHoRe aLeRt!!!****** HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WTF
While at Ayaya‘s place over spring break, we became very bored. So we decided to be Nozomi Tsuji and Aya Matsuura. =.=
This is Nono pretending to be a crab.
This is Ayaya pretending to be Mafia.
This would be nice if I weren’t suffering from male pattern balding.
This is Ayaya pretending to be Paris Hilton, ie. scraggly animal in purse concept.
Nono being short-sighted.
Because furry things make everything else cuter.
Nono was nauseous.
Ayaya’s face powder.
On Fat Her’s orders, we went to downtown Boston and took touristy pictures.
Me and Amy, somewhere in Boston.
Somewhere in Boston.
Somewhere in Boston..haha no I know this is Boston Public Garden. I’m sitting on a metal duck/golden goose, whichever your poetic preferences lie.
Me looking at something in Boston.
Which is this! Forgot what it is though.
Trying hard to remember where this is. Somewhere in Boston.
Back home, I was too happy after a invigorating walk somewhere in Boston.
Met up with Erna! Not just anywhere in Boston, but at Penang in Chinatown.
No comments about size of mouth, nor redness of face.
Is it my imagination or are middle school/early secondary school kids getting too grown up for their own good these days?At the mall today with Yen, I realised that we were surrounded by middle schoolers dressed like college students, but better.
AND I LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE ONE OF THEM!
This is also partly due to the fact that I have turned into a hobo/bum and only wear jeans, tshirts and hoodies.
They are actually better dressed than me with their oh-so-plucked eyebrows, Abercrombie tops, nose studs and act-adult Coach handbags.
Do we detect a hint of jealousy here, boys and girls?
Yes, it’s because the only handbags Mummy Ooi would buy me at age 14 were those from Petaling Street with the words “Nike Must Do it” embroidered on it.
Because at age 14, I had purple (in effort to be cool, referred to it as lilac) metal framed glasses, was still four feet nine, weighed probably 30 kg, a gap between my front teeth, wore carrot cut BOM Equipment jeans and had no need to wear a bra (though I wore a training one religiously).
Let me show you this picture again. At age 14 there was actually not much difference from how I looked above, at age 11.
Whining about what has happened to kids these days would only serve to reveal my age, but I don’t care.
A quick check (by check I mean stalk) on Friendster and a MSN conversation with Jia confirmed my worst suspicions. This trend has spread to Malaysia.
Apparently, form 1 and 2 kids in Malaysia prance around in tank tops, short skirts and heels.
They can dye their hair and pierce their ears multiple times without worrying about a whipping from the discipline teacher.
They apparently don’t need to wear a camisole under their baju kurung anymore and if you wear one, people call you a nerd.
In my time (there I go sounding old again), people who DIDN’T wear camisoles were called sluts (okay so that was the other end of the spectrum).
Jia Min says they probably dress up better than us 21 year olds and men our age will probably choose them over us and we will end up growing old alone in a spinster’s existence.
Dress better than me, Audrey Ooi? Don’t hope!
It is merely a slump that I’m wearing jeans, tshirts and hoodies! (Is this why the Interviewer From Hell said I dressed badly?)
I will perservere!
I will redye my hair every 2 months!
I will get hair extensions!
I will curl my hair everyday!
I will put fake lashes!
I will put makeup gao gao!
I will be the best trophy wife ever!
Yes, looking at the list above, I have decided I have the qualifications to be the shiniest trophy wife ever, which will in turn provide me with the financial means to get Botox later when I need it.
I can’t wait to go home and see what teenagers have become.
In Weather Today, let’s take a look at a little town in Malaysia called Subang Jaya. Sources are reported as saying a huge storm, first of its kind, has hit the hometown of famed original pink lover and all-round pan-cute-er, Audrey Ooi.Taking a closer look at what damage this mini hurricane has brought:
“The storm uprooted my pomelo tree!” a distraught resident, a Mr Ooi Eng Hong whinged.
“I didn’t even get to eat my first pomelo from it!” He continued. “Sob!”
Yes, my pomelo tree got uprooted in the damn storm and I wasn’t even around to see it die. Btw, Mummy and Fat Her are working to replant it, all the while praying that it’s going to bring the tree back to life. Weather Today will keep you posted. Stay tuned.
Moving on, we look at yet another small town, this time in Massachusetts. South Hadley this year is defying all previous temperatures and bursting out on the scene with temperatures reaching 15C. Yes, in March!
Needless to say, a certain student at Mt Holyoke is ecstatic. Having been wearing thermal underwear (YES DON’T LAUGH) for the past 5 months or so, her delicate skin broke out in some bitch-ass rash the other day. Probably a reaction to all that wool.
Rash looks like mites burrowed under my skin, made holes in it then crawled out T_T he good news is they’re gone now.
To celebrate this beautiful weather (and our AKP acceptance!!!), we went to Amherst for lunch.
::Rafia, me, Angela, Yen::
Just because my hair color nice here.
HAHAHAHAHHA!! This poor sap sitting in front of me on the bus forgot to take off the price tag off his cap!
Other random pictures:
Me and Angela were playing “Happy Spirit, Sad Spirit”. It’s a
game we made up that doesn’t entail anything other than one person
taking a pic of herself and the other acting like whatever
Spirit. Angela is Sad Spirit.
I’m Happy.
Korea Nite the other day. Yen, Angela, Mild, Elise, me, Karmen.
Me and Elise looking tall next to each other.
My ice-cream looks like shit. Shit.
A pretty picture to take your mind off all that ugly brownness. This was our dessert on Valentine’s.
Ok, thank you.
I am so stressed!I am as stressed as Jeannie who takes 92834 science classes & labs
and has some variation of “I am stressed” written on her MSN everyday
and eats to destress.
I’m so stressed that I have a permanent frown on my face, so let me
just take a quick break to rub my forehead cos I don’t want no wrinkles
on it.
There.
And here it comes back. Shit.
I’m stressed because I’m 21 and I’m an adult and I’m doing adult-like
things like checking out internships and applying for internships and
not getting any replies to internships and getting wrinkles and cussing
and shit.
I bet this is why adults get white hair, doing all these adult things.
AM I INVISIBLE TO THE WORLD? DOES NOONE SEE MY EMAILS?! AM I TOO INCOMPETENT TO GET A JOB?
I am surrounded by overachieving, people who take 13430 classes, a shitload of extracurricular activities and work 3 jobs a day.
I hate them.
They make me feel damn incompetent, like I have to up my ass and grow 6 more arms so I can do all this too.
I guess that’s why I’m growing this permanent wrinkle, maybe it’s just one more step closer to 8 arms.
Guess who’s going to Japan?Me! That’s who!
*throws back head and laughs”
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
I’m going to Kyoto for a whole year!!!!
So.
Me and Angela decided that we would be fit and go swimming.
Trooped over to the gym.
Wondered if we should do stretching exercises before going in, so as to
not get cramps. Firmly decided against it as did not want to stand by
pool with goggles and bathing cap while trying to touch own feet.
Goggles because neither of us can see underwater, and bathing cap
because we feared ruining our dye jobs and because we ambitiously,
naively thought we were going to do this shit every week.
Struggled for a while with bathing caps. Angela’s was too small
for her large head and mine was too big for my thumb-sized one.
Cleverly we exchanged caps. Mine fit her nicely, making her face
look like a perfect circle.
Hers still did not fit me! Next time I should just wear a condom on my head la dammit!
I got it on and it covered my eyes, making me unable to open them,
which added to my non-sight caused by my goggles. (Goggles had strange
way of pushing fat around my eyes to further surround my eyeballs and
making eyeballs pop out. Later, tightness of goggles proved useless, as
water seeped in through them regularly, further blinding me.)
Struggled with cap more, then decide that I would rather have bad hair
for the next few months than wear that monstrosity of a cap.
Spent at least 5 minutes getting into kononnya heated pool.
Spent 15 minutes alternating between swimming a few strokes and pouring water out of my goggles.
Decided that that’s enough exercise for a day and run shivering back to the locker room.
Getting out of the pool, hit knee on pool ladder and now knee is a scary shade of grey.
Realised to our horror that both of us have turned yellow and have headaches and stomachaches.
And there ends our swimming experience (forever).
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