Due to severe pre-menstrual syndrome symptoms (which include first and foremost, plain sadness)and a broken heart, Audrey is not fit to blog at the moment.
However, her alter ego, *makeup biatch* will fill in for her today.
“Reporting to you live from the studio, I, *makeup biatch* regret to say that Audrey, though not grumpy, is highly unjubilant from what is suspected to be the dreaded PMS. Yet the period itself hasn’t arrived, making her even more irritable because she is dying to find out whether she is well and truly cured from her ovary problem, and only this period will set her mind at ease.
Also, she is not exactly broken hearted (*makeup biatch*, like Audrey, is prone to exaggeration – Editor) but is just down because she has found out that Mr Summer Fling-Ee is also interested in her but does not want to do anything because she is leaving.”
(*makeup biatch* runs over and thrusts microphone up Mr Summer Fling-Ee’s nose)
“Sir! Sir! Any comments for faithful audree.blogdrive.com readers?”
“Yes, this is what I said to her today: You’re going off already, we don’t start anything now.”
(camera pans to Audrey lurking in the corner, sobbing her lungs out)
AUDREY RELEASES PRESS STATEMENT:
It is not as bad as that ok!! I am as usual talking cock and exaggerating things beyond belief. I did not sob my mucous out, neither did I stab Mr Summer in the groin ala Kill Bill. But it is annoying, without a doubt. Of all guys, I had to fall for one who is serious in relationships and does not want summer flings.
POOH.
Games that require aim and/or strength are simply not for me.
Take foosball.
After months of playing (though inconsistent) I have the shooting skills of a starfish.
As for pool, I’ve decided to stop trying to play it, in the vicinity of anyone because of the sheer embarrasment of missing the ball entirely and my cue scraping the pool table cloth (It costs a few hundred to replace it ok, you think I dare?)
For Counter Strike, well, I get nauseous playing it. Need I say more? But then other people told me they get that as well, so not so bad.
What game am I good at then? Those that involves…..
…Physics.
Shit why am I only good at these kind of games?! Those computer games that require you to solve puzzles according to the laws of gravity, pressure and whatnot.
Oh yeah, I am also good at Snakes and Ladders.
*******
Summer Fling-ee is turning out to be a real disappointment.
Good: He knows I’m alive.
Bad: He knows other people are alive as well.
Good: He thinks I’m pretty.
Bad: He doesn’t know we’re supposed to be having a summer fling until I leave.
Good: He calls me.
Bad: He calls me to say he’s sick and can’t make it.
Good: He holds my hand in the cinema.
Bad: He drops it as soon as I get a jacket.
And I have to think he’s so cute, dammit.
| What Kind of Geek are You? | |
| Name | |
| DOB | |
| Favourite Color | |
| Your IQ is | frighteningly high |
| You are a | physics geek |
| Your strength is | you can understand and use slang |
| Your weakness is | electrons |
| You think normal people are | strange |
| Normal people think that you are | weird |
| This QuickKwiz by owlsamantha – Taken 51533 Times. | |
Physics geek! Should I be doing engineering then? I did like physics in high school. But what the fcuk is a weakness for electrons? This is too much! Will I get pulled here and there when electrons come near?:P
I am officially the world’s biggest lamppost. There is no defining the number of couples I’ve rudely intruded on, no limit to the number of dinners I’ve gone to and the couple whispers couply stuff into each other’s delicate shell-like ears, not to mention the number of times they pinch each other’s adipose tissue in front of me while I pretend not to notice and continue watching ESPN.
YES I AM SOUR CAN?!
Why do I weaken and say yes when they ask me on their outings?! I know they mean well, trying to teman a poor spinster with no life of her own, but I really don’t know what to do when you all giggle and make bodily contact with each other!
Scenario #1:
Lovebirds: “yadda yadda…love love…kiss kiss…mush mush….tee hee hee…”
Me: “Yeah, so how about those Lakers, huh… “(voice tapers off and I concentrate on empty cup of teh ais)
Scenario #2 (a):
(set in cyber cafe)
Everyone’s computer: “BISH! BASH! dushdushdushdush!! (machine gun fire)”
My computer: “…….”
Me: (poking Male Lovebird) “Eh, you all start playing already never wait for me? You only teach (insert Female Lovebird’s name) how to load the game, I still stuck in Windows you know.”
Scenario #3 (b):
(still set in cyber cafe)
Everybody’s Counter Strike avatars: “BISH! BASH! dushdushdushdush!! (machine gun fire)”
My computer: “You have been killed.” (or something like that)
Me: (poking Male Lovebird): “Eh you forgot something is it? Why never teach me how to shoot!?”
It is my cherished theory that perfectly nice and sensible people turn into inconsiderate fools around their other (better?) halves. You cannot blame them, it is a syndrome.
See, it also happens on the big screen.
Break it up, can?!
AGAIN, YES I AM SOUR.
Partly because, what the hell happened to my summer fling?? I was supposed to have a nice and sweet summer fling before I go off, ala Sandra Dee and Danny Zuko in Grease.
Unfortunately my target Summer Fling guy does not seem to be aware that we are supposed to have a summer fling. He only knows how to ask me stupid mou liu questions and annoy the hell out of me.
I have decided that if I’m a spinster for life, I shall not whinge too much about it.
I shall smile benelovently at everyone, be it man, woman, child or bangala. And I shall…
I shall take up gardening!
It certainly seems like a nice, mature yet healthy activity. And I’ve always sensed I have this affinity with nature. Everytime I stand out in the garden, I sure get bitten by flies. Yes, flies. Didn’t know they could bite eh? Vicious bugs.
I am talking cock again.
It’s back to perpetual boredom for me.
>Aiya, I’m losing the will to blog again!
As requested by Ruth, this is the wallet that we had to go to 3 separate places before I finally bought it. I purchased it just for the funky chain. Snatch thefts shall be a thing of the past for Audrey Ooi.
Oh, the other day I went shopping with Mummy Ooi. Bought loads of clothes. However, nothing that I bought will ever be accepted by Ruth, Hsin or Min as they will classify all items as the usual weird Audrey clothing and will never touch them with a 10-foot pole.
So I have decided not to post pictures as they will possibly get nightmares, develop insomnia, fail to pass their exams and never marry for the rest of their lives. (Touch wood).
I can predict what they will say to this.
Hsin: *punches aud* HEHEEHEHEH
Ruth: shit man, pompuan bodoh!
Min: hahaahah fuck u biatch!:P
If you’ve read Hsin’s blog, you would have known that I *ahem* was the cause for most of the troubles that happened today.
PYRAMID:
We were in Pyramid, with two purposes in mind: Min needed retail therapy badly and I was looking for The Pink Roxy Jacket. Hsin got no purpose, she says she needed shoes but don’t believe her, she’s got a lot. Min got her retail therapy which was her long-awaited Levis. Unfortunately The Pink Roxy Jacket was nowhere to be found.
Because it is a bad PMS day for some people (ie me) I could not live without the jacket, and thus we headed off to Midvalley with The World’s Safest Driver behind the wheel.
MIDVALLEY:
The World’s Safest Driver took about 72 years behind the wheel and by the time we got there, our legs were wobbly and we had white beards and nostril hair sprouting, but my zest for life kept us going to look for The Pink Roxy Jacket.
AIyaa!! Neither Surf, Dive and Swim or Quiksilver had it, so it was on to Bukit Bintang for the Quiksilver shop there (still with bad PMS-ing on my part).
SUNGEI WANG:
We fcuking got lost. Need I say more?
Actually, yes. Because the story is quite entertaining, is it not? Yes, we got lost on the way from Midvalley to Sungei Wang.
This is not my fault! I cannot help it that I am not sure of the way from MV to Sg Wang! Due to several misreading of signs, obsession with an ugly person’s digital camera and unable-to-decide-which-road-to-take-therefore-taking-wrong-one, we ended up in…
Taman Desa.
Yes, I can just hear you asking where the hell is that. No, it’s not some name that i just made up on the spot, it really does exist. We were driving past a sign saying Taman Desa Waterpark and it was time to call for back-up.
“Hello Darren, where are you?”
Darren is too busy in the cinema so he asked me to call Yeow Wei because Yeow Wei stays near the water park, apparently.
Yeow Wei drove out to rescue us, amitabha!!
Henceforth, anyone who makes fun of Yeow Wei’s hair answers to my fist. He is truly Jesus, our saviour. I feel bad laughing at his hair now. He has hair and is not bald ok! I eat my words because he is a kind soul who came to rescue the Ex-Girlfriend whom he has not seen in months and months.
After a few correct turns, we finally reached Bukit Bintang. There was a slight problem in Hsin’s parking.
What am I saying! My fingers almost got sliced off!
Unskilful Driver seemed to have lost all her car-parking skills as she tried to manuever the car 90 degrees in vain to park. The side of the car was exactly one inch away from being scraped off.
So Heroic Aud (who, btw, is NOT the Most Reckless Driver in the world) stuck her hand out and PUSHED the sideview mirror in to prevent it from being annhilated. Then she was forced to put her hand OVER the mirror to protect it further in case the Unskilful Driver continued to inch closer to the wall.
This was in constant terror that Unskilful Driver would scrape off her fingers by crushing them in betweeen the wall and Kelisa.
We got off with shaky legs and a need to vomit from hsyterical laughter.
Horrors upon horrors! There was no Pink Roxy Jacket in Bukit Bintang too!
How now?!? There was nothing left to do, but buy a Pink Roxy Wallet instead. I had to do it to save myself from the evil eyes of the Safest Driver in the World and the Unskilful Driver.
And all’s well and happy.
This is the continuation of the bald story. The source of the Bald Story was none other than Alex Tham.
I saved the entire conversation here! I found it hilarious; maybe not everyone will though, possibly only those who know Alex and/or Yeow Wei.
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
oh yah
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
just wana tell u
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
yeow wei is bald
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
hehehehe
*makeup biatch* says:
har??? wat u mean?
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
he got the hair that is as long as the hair on my hands
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
in other words he is bald
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
0.275 cm
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
long
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
hahahha
*makeup biatch* says:
HAHAHAHAAHAH he cut his hair ar???
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
saw me today and i cannot recognise
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
he shave his hair
*makeup biatch* says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH how does he look?
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
he wwwearing hat
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
i saw him no hair i look away
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then he “wei”
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then i “EI”
*makeup biatch* says:
AHHAAHHAAHAHAHAH
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then he “oi”
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then i “late for class weh”
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then i “where ur hair?”
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
then he far far away cannot hear me
*makeup biatch* says:
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH what hat he wearing?
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
some hat la
*makeup biatch* says:
cap or wat?
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
1st time i see the back of his neck man
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
yeah cap
*makeup biatch* says:
AHHAAHAHAHAHHAHA u damn bodoh!!!
*makeup biatch* says:
im going to save this convo
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
nooooooooooooo
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
4 wat woh
*makeup biatch* says:
ahahah i want to show hsin
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
aijio
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
y la?
*makeup biatch* says:
damn funny!
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
ah
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
so proud
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
weh gtg la
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
cannot tahan
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
sleepz
*makeup biatch* says:
heehheeheh okok goodnite!!!!
*makeup biatch* says:
see u tmr!
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
chaos
ALEXANDER ‘The Greatest Legend of All Was Real’ (you tell a soul, i take your soul) says:
nites
*makeup biatch* says:
byeee
Oh this is an orgasmic day!
La-di-da… I went shopping!
This time, there were no clothes, shoes or bags involved. This time it was concerning the very serious matter of….
SKIN CARE.
Let me give you an illustration.
::Loose powder, day cream, night cream, toner, eye gel (for puffiness and dark circles), anti-aging serum::
This is to protect me against harsh winter wind, no humidity in the air, people kicking snow into my face (which is comparatively nearer to the ground) and whatnot.
My epidermis is ready for the States.
Skin care is essential. It is true that at age 19, we are growing older and our skin is not what it used to be. Eyebags are jumping out, laugh lines are forming and some people even have train tracks on their forehead, for some poor souls, oil seeds are even forming around the eyes (and that, my friends, is irreversible).
I have decided that since I cannot be funkily dressed anymore (how can anyone look good in long johns?) or have great hair anymore (my curls will be flattened by a perpetual beanie on my head), I will thus have FANTABULOUS skin.
Time shall not erase my beauty and youth! *ahem*
At 50, I predict I will have the best skin around without Botox. It will be so smooth that a G-2 pen cannot write on it.
It will be as clean and clear as Fat Her Ooi’s plate after dinner.
It will be as white as…Jia Min’s skin.
Excess eyebrow hair will magically stop growing so I will have perfect brows without ever needing to pluck. My face shall be as smooth and hairless as….YEOW WEI’S HEAD!! Hahaha! *
*a source has told me that the Ex has shaved his head. I cannot wait to see this. Quoted from the source: “For the first time I can see his neck!”
I am digressing.
Anyway, I will have fantastic skin and be asked to model for Oil of Olay. But I shall refuse because Diorskin offers more money and besides, I really really like John Galliano’s bags.
My current wish-list (because I am self-obsessed):
1. ABBA compilation CD
2. Kiroro CD (forgot title)
3. Pink Roxy jacket
4. Origins lip stain
5. Dior Girly bag (losing hope)
6. Peace on earth (this includes Mummy Ooi to stop nagging) and no more starvation
7. Immunity to cold weather
8. Another date activity other than movie, dinner, yam cha. What else can we do??
9. No more long johns
10. A haircut and a new hair colour
‘Twas an infinitely boring weekend.
I arrived in Penang at precisely 3pm on Saturday.
I left Penang at precisely 4pm on Sunday.
Over this period of time, I slept approximately 19 hours.
I even fell asleep on the parquet floor because it was too mind-numbingly boring.
And to make matters worse, when we reached my grandma’s house, she told us that my third uncle had gone to the doctor because of a severe case of rashes. A while later, he came back and me and my mum started talking to him. Then after about 15 minutes, he went off and my mum turned to me and very calmly said, “He has chicken pox, you know.”
Good, mum, good. Do it more often. Thanks for telling me 15 minutes after I stood there breating in pox-y air.
And if THAT is not bad enough, the icing on the cake (figuratively speaking) came when it was time to get into the car for the journey back when Brother Ooi came up to me with a sadistic smile on his face and gleefully announced:
“Cheh, there’s dog-shit on your shoe.”
What the!!
I raced outside to see, yes indeed, my beloved right Converse sneaker had been violated by some dumb dog with bad aim. There was even turd on the shoelace.
I whined to Mummy Ooi about it and she proceeded to say at the top of her lungs (in Cantonese): “Which dog shat on Audrey’s shoe?”
As though the canine culprit is going to raise its right paw and admit it was his doing.
That was my weekend.
I have decided to change back to the BigAss font because it is infinitely cooler and besides, I really have to strain to read the words in the tiny font.
Does nobody else have that problem?
Actually I have nothing to blog about. My life is infinitely boring. (I have decided I like that word a lot and will use it infinitely).
Therefore, I shall talk about…..
(Shit, I’ve been sitting here for the past 15 minutes nervously wracking my brains for something, anything to talk about!)
No, my life is actually not inifinitely boring. On the contrary it is awesomely interesting. But everything interesting that has happened is 18SX, so cannot write.
I AM KIDDING LA!!!
Since we’re on the topic of 18SX, we shall discuss what is so good about sex. Everybody’s doing it, your parents (hehe, didn’t have to bring that up, did I?), your pet dog, porn stars and whatnot. Should YOU be doing it too?
Personally, I think if a person does not want to wait until marriage, that’s okay. But what I do believe in is that you should truly love the person you are sleeping with.
Do it because you love her, not because you are horny or because you are thinking, “Fcukshit, all my friends do already la! How now? Takkan get left behind?”
That’s another thing. Getting left behind. I am not sure about this (please correct me if I’m wrong) but from what I have heard, Getting Left Behind is one of the worst things to ever befall a teenage male.
Is it so embarrasing to be still a virgin when all your friends are not? Who is going to prove that you have already had sex? Guys don’t have hymens. And I don’t think there’s a sticker on their willies that shows whether they’ve done it or not (like expiry date tags).
So what if you have done it? Is it so the next time you watch porn, you can think to yourself, hmm…that looks familiar, yes I think I have used that position before.
Sex is a damn complicated issue and something you should consider seriously before you take the leap. It is the most intimate thing you can ever do with someone else. You don’t even let your own mother (whom you came out of her vagina from) see you naked and you’re willing to let a stranger from some club strip you? If you made the wrong choice, you will seriously regret it later.
I don’t think it’s very funny to wake up the next morning with a hangover and think, “Eh? Who’s the skinny naked bloke next to me? And why is there a cottage cheese-like substance at my vagina?”
You are not going to look back with fond memories of your younger days if you simply go around bonking random people. What are you going to tell your grandkids?
“Oh, him, honey? That was #462, if I’m not mistaken.”
I am not trying to be damn holy and preach to people. There are things I’ve done that I may not have regretted but am definitely not proud of. But seeing the way things are going these days, somebody would make a lot of money if they created a spin-off from Friendster, instead of a friend list, people can have a sex-partner list and see how they’re connected to each other. *shudder* Sexster, maybe?
Why am I being so serious? I should go write to The Star la.
All right all right, I’m back to the small font, due to popular demand.
I am depressed (yet again. It’s that time of the month)
And of course, its got to do with guys. Yet again.
I should be happy! This is after all, the first time I’m having a crush after 4 years! I never let myself get crushes because as it is quite obvious, guys do not fall for twerps with big and thick glasses, buck teeth and no breasts.
At least with all these ugliness on me, I thought I still have a heart that’s intact.
When I got more presentable looking, I still did not have crushes. If guys came up to me, I would consider them but I never got crushes on them, even if I did like them in the end, the feeling would just grow on me, not in an infatuated way.
But now! This is all different!
I feel like I’m 12 again!
The giddy giddy feeling I have when he calls, the perpetual smile on my face, the clicking on his Friendster to look at his pictures…
Oh, I am so geli-fying.
Not to mention the irritation when he doesn’t answer my messages.
So that’s what I’m feeling now. BUT! That is not the reason why I’m feeling so down now.
The reason is…
At this young and carefree (relatively lah) of 19, what problems do you think people like us have? Failed exams maybe? Quarreling parents? Maybe a little unrequited love at the same time?
No, we get infidelity, domestic violence, sexual harrassment and whatnot.
All this are really happening to us, happening to us directly, not to family members or anything.
WTF! How is it possible? But it is and has been proven.
I feel so grown-up. Like I’ve stepped into the world finally and seen what can happen. Sometimes people that you think you really know can really up and fuck you up.
I don’t really know what I’m getting at. Thoughts are buzzing through my head and I can’t put them down on the screen!
You said you’re sorry and I said ok. I said to forget this whole thing, but truth is, I simply cannot. What you did was too shocking, too terrible. This is one thing that will haunt me for the rest of my life, the damage is done.
Things can never be the same again even though I said they could.
I know that I definitely don’t warrant this little respect that you gave to me, but what you did made me doubt myself. Did my actions somehow ask for the kind of treatment that I’m getting? Maybe my attitude towards certain things are too casual. WTF am I sayin! I fucking do not deserve this!
I trusted you and you abused that trust. You may have thought its no big deal but you thought wrong. You may not think its anything much but what you did has already scarred me and I can never look at you the same way again.
I am so so scared ok.
Comments for this entry are not welcome. I don’t want anyone to ask me what happened or offer notes of sympathy. Any comments left shall be deleted.
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