Hello everyone my condition is more stable now!
I was going to take another rest after dinner when my parents left but I found when I lay down that my stomach acid instantly rose up my throat so I think Imma sit up for a bit and blog.
Anyway things have stabilized somewhat. The bleeding and contractions have stopped and I’m on various meds to control my blood pressure. The protein in my pee is increasing though (which is a sign of preeclampsia progressing) but on the bright side, liver and kidney functions are still okay.
I’m more or less stuck here in the hospital for now until I deliver, which will be premature la within the next few weeks. I guess I’ve more or less accepted it. At least we have the breast pump, stroller and car seat in hand now! When Fighter comes out, he’ll probably be in the NICU for a while so at least we have the pump to express milk to feed him.
I’m still classified as a high risk pregnancy and the preeclampsia is considered quite severe actually. Wah I never thought I’d have such a serious condition wtf.
So all outings are off limits for now and the doctor and nurses have been nagging me to cut down on visitors. I was quite whiny about it wtf but I also did notice myself that whenever visitors came, my BP would spike quite scarily. It’s not that I angry or kik or what! But I think when people come, they’re my friends ma and I hate being quiet wtf so I invariably want to talk or entertain them and maybe it puts additional stress on my system.
Plus these new drugs have a side effect of making me a bit breathless actually so I guess it’s really not a good idea for me to have visitors now. I’m very appreciative of those who came and sent things and sorry to those we had to turn away. 🙁
Breathlessness makes me super tired also. I tried to make a round around the ward to stretch my legs a bit, prevent thrombosis and I was panting before I finished half wtf. Luckily blogging is just finger work.
What else? Oh ya I damn ugly now I cannot believe it wtf.
Permanently red face from flushing (meds side effect). Hospital gown (btw the correct way is to tie it in front WTF I laugh at people for nothing and wore my gown backwards for 2 weeks nobody told me). Anti embolism socks. The drugs also cause huge water retention so I’m bloated beyond belief now — my legs I swear to god are 50% their original size. My ankles are the size and shape of tennis balls. Even my arms are chubby now and I feel exhausted carrying around all this water weight. I hope it’s water la wtf later turns out to be fat fml.
Emotionally I’m not doing as well as everyone online thinks.
Maybe cos of the water, maybe cos I’m weak, I dunno but I find I’m unable to support myself standing up. I have to hold on to surfaces and I bend over in front or else my back cannot take it. I really dunno how other mothers carry to full term — isit cos of my current illness or isit cos I’m just a weak ass wtf.
Being unable to support the weight affects me a lot cos I really feel like an invalid. And let’s not talk about the constant headaches, constant drugs, blood tests and the breathlessness. It feels like one long asthma attack fts. My self esteem and whatever strength I had has plummeted and I keep thinking if it wouldn’t be better for Fighter to just come out now. Lots of people have said that they know 7 month preemies and they’re all wonderful! Why wouldn’t Fighter be?
So I’m really not as good or strong or selfless as everyone thinks. Every day it’s a struggle for me — on one hand I hope he’s ok in there and will continue to be, on the other I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen and secretly wish that something WILL happen so we can take action.
And I keep thinking why does everyone else get to have such easy births? Why do they get to go in to the hospital for just a few days and reemerge with their healthy babies? Why isit me that has to go through this and why do I have to put my husband and family through this? Why do I have to leave my baby in the NICU and watch them stick him with tubes?
Obviously I know I’m not the only one in this situation but it doesn’t make it easier.
Imma stop now before this self pity party gets out of hand. I know I have a lot to be thankful for either way so I just have to keep reminding myself.
Thanks for all the concern and all the stories about premature babies! I think I managed to read most of the emails and comments already since I’m on bed rest so that was something nice to do. 🙂
P/S: Please try not to send me links or discussions about alternative therapies or cures or whatever! I appreciate the well meaning behind them but I’ve learned that medicine is an evolving field and one study does not a fact make. Some kind souls have tried to open my eyes to new studies or whatever, but reading all this conflicted sources only confuses and agitates me. 🙁 I fully trust my doctor and I don’t think this is the right time for me to be studying and trying to certify facts anyway. Not good for my BP!
Comments (76)
hi aud, ive been a reader of yours for a long time (from england, hi!) but have never commented until now. anyway, just wanted to say good luck, and i hope you feel better soon and that fighter is okay, and that all of this gets better for you, tim and your family. keep fighting (≧ω≦)ｂ
Hello audrey! It’s nice to hear updates from you & it’s good hearing that your condition has stabilised! Jiayou okay!!! I already find you super duper strong to have gone through all that! It obviously isn’t easy physically and mentally. Stay strong!!! 🙂
Hi Audrey, i’ve been a long-time reader and always thought you and Tim were really sweet (and hilarious) but now i can really see the depth of the love between you guys and it’s so brave and strong of you guys to be sharing this journey with everyone online… It must be really really tough and I think you are so amazingly brave and strong… the fact that you can admit to all your fears and doubts only make you more inspirational to everyone. Really wishing you and Fighter all the best… and hope that everything will go more smoothly for you… and that in a few months, you will be spamming your blog with adorable baby posts.
hi audrey! be strong! :)ni don’t want to brag but i hope this make you feel better. i was born 7 month premature but i’m doing all good now. i even went to elementary school when i was only 4 years old and finished college at 21 years old. i’m 25 now and super healthy.nkeep figthing for fighter. they said 6 or 8 months are risky but 7 months premature will be okay! nhug from indonesia. 🙂
Try to be positive…best wishes to you and fighter.
Fighter sure BOLEH!!! 😀
Aud, wish you & Fighter well! You would pull through this. Take care!
take care, Audrey and all the best. hugs!
Hello Audrey,nnThank you for sharing as before. You are doing the right thing by counting your blessings and not be overwhelmed by your emotions. Though I won’t ever know how you feel, I can only say I know it must be very, very difficult. A lesser woman would have gone out of her mind and have broken down mentally so you are a very strong woman to go through all these and have the strength to write about it. I can only pray that you and baby stay healthy. May your liver and kidney functions remind fine. Take good care.
I shared ur blog with my hubby to read and he was so impressed with ur bravery. Pls remain positive n strong. Many of us really hope everything will turn out well eventually! And after this turn of events, I m sure I love ur personality even more! Will always support u:)
I’m sure Fighter is a real strong baby who fights against all odds, just like his mommy and daddy! Stay positive, things will turn out fine eventually. All the best and do take care.
You’re a really strong mummy!!!!! Don’t worry, Fighter will love you so much and wish the best for you! He will know what to do! 😉
Keep fighting Aud!!!!!!!
stay strong Audrey! a mummy w/ such bravery is beautiful will never be ugly no matter what. good luck n all the best to u n lil fighter! jiayouss!! 🙂
Will pray for u and Fighter! Love from Malaysia!
Hello fourfeetnine!nnLife is never a bed of roses not to even mention giving birth! Stay Strong , positive and healthy. nnxoxo, na reader from Singapore 🙂
Keep fighthing!! =) Pray for you 🙂
Hang in there Audrey! I’m a 7 months pre-mature baby myself and i turn out pretty well, no health complications whatsoever (except for my extreme bimboness and clumsiness) fighter will turn out to be fine! My mum had to deliver me early because my doctor reckon i was getting to big inside her belly to an extend i stop wriggling around and they thought something went wrong =___=.
Jiayou audrey!!! nstay strong. will be praying for you and fighter 🙂
Hi Audrey, you re a strong woman cuz you have been fighting hard for Fighter and this already makes you a great mum. Don’t compare ur self with other people or experiences! This is a challenging time but keep in mind this will only makes u stronger and a better person. Most importantly you have @timothytiah and your family as your rock. Love 🙂
Wishing you the best from Hawaii! I am almost in tears reading many of these posts. You are so strong. It’s so good to hear that you truly trust your doctor, and I’m glad you added the P.S. at the end. I completely understand what you mean, and I hope others do too.
Hi Audrey, I have been read your and your fatty’s blogs quite a period before this. You both are just great supporting pillars for each other!Now my daily routine is to pray for you and fighter for winning this ‘war’! God bless and take care! Rest well and keep going on!
mayb u shld read dis:nhttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/10231010/Why-my-life-will-be-more-fulfilling-without-children.html
Wishing your family the best!
Hi Audrey! I wish you and fighter all the best from The Netherlands. I have always enjoyed reading your blog but never left a comment. Through the years I have seen your relationship with Timothy grow and this makes you guys so much stronger. You two can do it! Don’t be too hard on yourself if you have a weak moment. You are only human. nn@ming: how can you ever be so insensitive! The woman is having a child and you are saying that a life without children will be more fulfilling? It makes me sick!
It’s nice to get updates from you. I agree with you on “why does it happen to you”… I also ask why a nice girl like you has to go thru this. 🙁 it’s quite sad to read sometimes but I feel that you are very strong even tho it’s not easy. Just sending virtual love from Singapore that I’m keeping you and your family in prayers 🙂
Hello Audrey! My daughter reads your blog diligently and I am a doctor and a mother myself. I agree with you- your doctor knows you well and knows how best to manage your pregnancy. But remember to report any signs that you might find abnormal, even if it is only a niggly twinge, because you know your body better than anyone else does. That said, I think you are doing a splendid job despite the circumstances, so hang tight!
Best wishes to you all from Wisconsin– I hope you are soon blogging about how much better you feel and how busy you are as a new mom! (crying along with many other readers at some of the previous blog posts and expecting there will be cute baby photos and plenty to be happy about soon)
Despite all the hurdles you face, it will all be worth it in the end when the little one is born. Having gone through some rough times during my pregnancy I know how you must feel now. Mother insticts are always best so just do what makes you the happiest. Just think of your bed rest a good “holiday” to re-energise before fighter comes along. Also watching carebare and gummybears might brighten the day 🙂
hey Audrey, glad to hear that you are in a stable state now.nIf things have gone down hill recently, it only means that things will get better from now on right?nStay positive and happy, you have all of us behind you 😀
Audrey the great mummy we are so proud of u!!! Stay positive And wishing u the best!!!!
Hi Audrey I’m not a permanent reader of your blog but I really hope for al the best for you!! Like really I was sincerely worried for you!! Hope you will have a smooth delivery! Go fighter!!
I had the same thought about other people having easy births as well.nnMy first child wound her umbilical cord around her neck. Her heartbeat disappeared off the monitor and I had to do an emergency C-section which freaked the shit out of both my husband and I.nnThen I was assured that 70% of women who have had a C-section manage a normal vaginal birth subsequently but after 36hours (!!!) in labour for my 2nd child, I was still not dilated and had a second C-section.nnSo don’t be too hard on yourself. Childbirth is not easy at all.
Stay positive and take care, Audrey! I was born prematurely at 7 months also, and grew up very healthy! Wishing your family all the best from NZ
Pregnancy and child birth are tough and you are an absolute champion for hanging in there and having to go through what you are currently going through. All the best for you and hope you feel better soon.
Stay strong! You’re a brave mother and woman! And so is ur husband and fighter!
I think you’re pretty damn strong 😉 even if you don’t think it yourself. But that’s my thoughts mah!! Anyhow… hugs and keep on going! It’s cliche but I don’t know how to end this comment already.
Aud stay strong and tough ok!! good to know that your condition has stabled already. will continue praying for you and fighter. take care!
Keep fighting Aud.. Not every pregnancy is easy like in a book or movies.. But I think you are strong enough.. Im proud of you.. Even Im just a reader, I consistanly worried and thinking of you like you are my cousin or sister.. 🙂 and its okay if you feel down just write to release your stress and we will support you! Hope you get well soon…
I don’t think anyone judges you for feeling down. It sounds like u are getting better actually 🙂 I think it’s a miracle you could have fighter with PCOS and it encourages me that one day maybe I will be fortunate enough to have children too. I think that it is incredibly brave of you to share your journey with us. With that I give thanks and pray you and fighter have a safe and smooth transition.<3
I dunno where to start so this comment might sound incoherent. First, I’d like to thank you for sharing your journey with us. I know that it’s not easy having to reveal your raw feelings to the world but thank you, at least we can pray for you and give you moral support. 🙂 It’s normal to feel the way you are feeling so… *HUGS* if things don’t get better it’s not the end. <3 You’ve been through so much, keep fighting! We can’t wait to see Fighter too, but most of all, we hope you and Fighter will be safe and healthy!
Hi aud, rest well ya… =] I believe everything gonna be ok..! Rest well =)
sit back, relax and dont progress to eclampsia! not a good time for alternatives medications. they might complicate.
You’re such a great mother Aud! Fighter is lucky that he has a mum like you. Stay strong and know that there are so many people out there who love you and care for you.nBtw, you still look mad chio in all the pics timothy posted la wtf.nLove from one shorty to another.
aud, you’re small but you’re strong. With the love and encouragement from your beloved husband, family and fans, you and fighter will definitely pull through. Gambate!!
I think you are very strong and you are allowed a moment of “weakness”. My thoughts are with you and the baby!
Audrey! I’m a quiet blog reader of yours… and I just want to let you know that I’m rooting for you and appreciate your honesty throughout all of this. Wishing you the best!
God bless
*keeps fighting Audrey and Fighter* nnDon’t feel bad. I think every mom goes through different situations. I myself were a kinda ‘hibernating bear’ type when i was pregnant. I don’t walk much, i don’t like shopping with the extra heavy weight. I was mostly lying in bed, even lying on the floor i will feel much better.nnKeep positive Audrey ! Think of Fighter, whose traits he will adopts more ( yours or tim.. ) but try not to get too excited thinking too much either.. don’t want your BP goes up again. :pnnSending lots of loves to you !
Best wishes from the USA!