Fuck the world today!Macibai I’m fucking pissed today for a lot of small small things added together plus the fact that I’m probably PMS-ing (or pregnant, wtf).
What’s up with Malaysians these days? All fucking dunno how to line up for anything anymore, is it? How many times in the past few days I kena your elbowing and thick face antics already? And I dunno why I’m so fucking suay but all the people that piss me off just have to be Malay. I know Chinese and Indians can be equally bad when it comes to manners, but today they all just have to be Malay so for the moment I have to curse the race and probably be accused of racism, to top off the day.
Let’s start off with the bitch who in her haste to get to the Monorail ticket-eating machine ahead of me, actually used her fucking plastic-masquerading-as-leather handbag to wallop me just so that she can push ahead of me and save herself 0.183720492 seconds.
WHat the fuck is wrong with you woman! Already I’m not in a good mood today, already I had diarrheaed extensively in the office today and the toilet water just had to splash on my butt cheeks, ruining my day further, and now YOU miserable scumbag in your “pan” holy tudung and baju kurung want to mess with me now?! DOn’t hope la!
So I used both hands to shove her back with all my might. Ha ha ha! She stumbled to the side and whacked into someone else. And I managed to get thru the machine faster than her.
And then after that while I was lining up to buy my KTM ticket back, this Malay fucker had the nerve to stand next to me and try to cut in in front of me.
This time I thought I shouldn’t lose my temper so badly and was more civil to him. I just tapped him on the shoulder and said “Tahu beratur ke?”
He looked ashamed and stepped away from the line. Then he proceeded to cut queue BEHIND me instead. Asshole.
LAst week another queue cutting incident happened to me. I was standing in front of the KTM ticket machine in Sentral, fumbling for change. This (again Malay) motherfucking asshole reached his arm from the side and actually pressed the buttons before I could press them!
WAH LAO!!! I stared at him in total surprise because I didn’t think that anyone could be so thick face and cut queue so obviously. As he was pressing the buttons he started laughing and sniggering to himself.
I continued to stare at him cos I was shocked that anyone could be like that and also I thought eh is this dude mad ar why the fuck is he laughing like that to himself.
And before I could react, he moved off. Shit I hate myself! How can I let such a lowlife get awaywithout a good shout?! He was probably laughing at my stunned expression only la macibai.
My colleague also kena today. She was first in line at the food court for chicken rice but before she could place her order, the man behind her quickly yelled out “DUCK RICE!” to the people at the counter.
What’s your problem la people!!! Wait a while longer for your legitimate turn can die isit? Are you pregnant inside your beer belly and rushing to the hospital ar? What’s the emergency? Today is fucking Friday okay! You’re supposed to pray today! You pray to absolve your sins then you feel free to go out and do this is it? New batch of confessions coming up!
To think that on Tuesday, I was watching a Merdeka preview program at the 8tv program viewing at Ritz-Carlton and I actually freaking TEARED because I was proud of my country.
And this is the same country that produced such shitheads.
And we wonder why Malaysians have no patriotism.
Fat Her Ooi is sitting opposite me at his own laptop, googling his own name.Eat full too free.
So this morning I woke up, got dressed and stumbled downstairs to go to work as usual.
Opened the door, saw the rain pouring down. Thought of riding the fucking always-late KTM drenched in rain and mood dropped even more than usual.
I turned to Mummy Ooi. “Mummy, will you fetch me to office today?”
“All the way in KL? You siao ar?”
“Okay, then can I not go to work today?”
“Yalah, don’t need to go la. Tell them you’re sick.”
Wow.
Before she could change her mind, I SMSed colleague to tell him I was having diarrhea and wouldn’t be coming in today, ran upstairs, threw on my pajamas and jumped back into bed.
MUAHAHAHAHAH.
Employee of the Year.
My streak of suayness has yet to come to an end.What the fuckity fuck is wrong with me?!
Yesterday, I was supposed to meet Eng, Diana and Kok Kin at Lot 10 after work. Since I was already late obviously I tried to walk faster la.
Unbeknownst to me, I walked the entire Bintang area with my skirt tucked up my underwear.
I only knew when this lady came up from behind and tapped me on the shoulder and told me my skirt was somewhere up in the clouds.
Why la why la?!?!?!
It wasn’t actually tucked up my undies la but it was made of light cotton and fluffy all over, so when I walked at superspeed, the fucking skirt somehow naik and just wouldn’t come down again.
Some more you know what kind of undies I was wearing or not?! SOme kiddy underwear which was white and had cutesy prints of manga all over it in red!!
No wonder random Malay and Indian men kept coming up to me and calling “Ah Moi!”
I take comfort in the fact that they approached me from the FRONT and so wouldn’t have seen the back of my skirt.
I won’t be going back to Sungei Wang anytime soon.
Today another horrid incident occured.
I wore my fucking shirt inside out. Need I say more?
I only realised it two hours after I stepped into the office.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEGRITY OR DIGNITY LEFT! EVERYBODY IN KUALA LUMPUR WILL KNOW ME AS THE GIRL WHO GOT DRESSED BLIND AND TUCKS HER SKIRT INTO HER UNDERWEAR AFTER PEEING.
Never will I wear a skirt again and never will I step foot into Bukit Bintang again.
This has been a most suay two days for my eyes.
On Sunday night, while eating dinner at Esquire Sungei Wang with the Oois, chillied soup splashed from my bowl into my right eye. Cried even more than when Darren left.
Then the same night, whilst yum-chaing at Burger King with Eng, Kok Kin and Diana, A FUCKING MOTH FLEW INTO MY EYE. I saw it zooming straight at my left eye and before I could even react, a sinking coldness spread through my eyeball.
DAMN FUCKING SICK OKAY!!! SINCE WHEN DO MOTHS KAMIKAZE INTO PEOPLE’S EYEBALLS?!
For some reason I still wanted to act cool and nonchalantly swiped at my eye with my hand, hoping that the fucking moth was gone. Thank god it was la.
Nobody else has had this experience, I don’t think. Therefore I declare myself Queen of Moth Haters. Move over, Hsin and Angela.
Then today during lunch, a piece of curried rice from my nasi kandar flew into my right eye again. Again I cried bucketloads of tears and sneezed and dripped mucus. Good la Audrey, keep it up and you might just go blind.
Okay moving on. Let me talk about my prospective career as a chef.
See, I lost a bet with Darren and Jia Min, what the bet is we don’t need to talk about la, too long story.
If I won the bet, Darren was supposed to cook for me a Jap dinner. If I lost, I would have to cook a Chinese dinner for him and Min.
Obviously I lost.
So I had to cook. Let me emphasise that this is my first time cooking anything other than microwaved maggi mee and rice.
Hero lah both of them still die die want me to cook without any assistance.
SO here is the evidence.
::This is me washing the vegetables.::
::This is me chopping up the pork.::
::This is me not knowing what to do next and so kena marah from Mummy Ooi. ::
::This is me putting the salted vegetable onto the pork.::
::This is me chopping luncheon meat.::
::This is me cooking the luncheon meat.::
Aiya all right all right, in the end Darren cooked the luncheon meat because frankly, I was too afraid of the fire and spitting oil. People got pyrophobia can?!
::Ta-dah! Finished product.::
::Me being exhausted after cooking. KNN, I cook until hand shake ok! How I know the spatula so heavy!::
::Food Recipient No. 1, and me, SHADDUP LA I KNOW IM DAMN FAT HERE::
::Food Recipient No. 2 and me. I may look fat here too but I am actually puffing out my cheeks::
Okay, this is my second day at work and I have to say that I have spent at least half of my working hours either:(a) playing minesweeper
(b) blowing my nose (kena flu)
(c) waiting for my computer to reboot (it is that laggy)
(d) MSN-ing
(e) reading CLEO and PC.com
(f) sleeping in the toilet.
Yes, I typed that right. While my colleague was telling me informative information on media and advertising, I was trying my very best not to pass out on her desk and not to get lockjaw from desperately clenching my jaw shut when I yawned.
In the end, I gave up and went to the restroom, locked myself in one of the cubicles and promptly fell asleep on the toilet bowl.
Other than that, have been quite emo the whole day between naps in the loo and the odd work task or two.
Hate hate hate sending people off at the airport. Why must people move around the globe to study leh? Freaking stay here and study can?! Fucking Malaysian education system, can you please improve and not cause people to separate and run across continents just to get a decent education?
Last time during wartorn times, men had to leave their wives/girlfriends behind while they went to fight. Now no war, but people still have to leave their other halves isn’t it? What’s the difference? Maybe you say the difference is people who go off to study instead of fight would not die. Ya true la. But what if the person goes off and finds some other partner, won’t the old partner feel like dying also? Same thing right!
And who knows when they’re going to meet again? And what if when they do meet, things are not the same anymore?
Somebody better fucking hurry up and invent a Doko De Mo Doa/Pintu Suka Hati so I won’t feel so shitty anymore.
Again I have lost the will to blog.Once again I feel I’m writing posts just to cater to people and to make them laugh.
I have nothing of depth to write.
What do people care how my hair looks like now or my latest dumb action? Who in the world is interested in seeing the latest chubby photo of Fat Her Ooi?
I don’t even read the news (shaddup la I know I’m katak di bawah tempurung) or have anything intellectual or thought-provoking to say.
I don’t have anything to comment on Sarong Party Girl’s boobies.
Or Kenny Sia’s rambutan texture legs.
I don’t do stylish things like consume drugs and write reviews about them.
I don’t write emo poems or analyze intellectual matters like Taiwan and China.
I’m too forgetful/lazy to whip out my camera and take pictures, unless they’re of myself and I’m sure everybody is quite sick of me “pan-ning” cute.
People’s brain cells are combusting just by clicking on this pink page.
WHy is she so fucking stupid? All she talks about is her balding problem, losing her plane tickets and her diarrhea!
Yes, all I talk about is myself (in boring tones) with the odd day dream or hallucination thrown in. My English not even that terrer!
Half of me is even starting to feel like I don’t want to disclose so much of my life online anymore.
Got meaning meh, I ask you?
Maybe it’s time for a hiatus. Hor?
*raises hand* Hsin has tagged me.It’s about time! I thought nobody was going to bother about asking me what 3 things I like. I became sour grapes and cursed at every blog I saw which had this thingy on it.
But now I have been tagged and the world is pink again.
Also I am infinitely bored. And having a quarter life crisis. So here goes.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01 Audrey
02 Aud
03 Uhh…aud001?
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01 Uhh…aud001?
02 aikurushii aud
03 princess chibi
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01 height la! fuckers out there who complain they’re short, shut the fuck up at least you reach 5 feet.
02 no hair
03 big ass
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01 height, duh *stares daggers at mum and dad ooi* thanks a lot, pals.
02 the Ooi nose. By the time I’m 40, my nose would have grown to roughly the size of a potato.
03 Amazing ability to lose keys, cell phones, ICs, plane tickets, retainers etc.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01 My mother’s voice shouting my name. Omfg what did I do again?
02 The dentist
03 dying ugly
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01 makeup – lots of it because without I don’t look human.
02 laughing
03 Internet
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
01 Ayumi Hamasaki
02 Dongbangshingi
03 Elvis Presley
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS:
01 Jang Nara – I’m a Woman Too
02 Siti Nurhaliza – Bukan Cinta Biasa…wtf?
03 Free Style – Please Tell Me Why
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01 Must be bodoh and make me laugh
02 Can keep up with my talking
03 Cannot scold me
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01 The nose! Must be straight and sharp
02 Good hair and skin
03 Funky dressing. No baggy Tshirts and slippers and jeans.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
01 Cutting off my spilt ends
02 Watching Gakkou E Ikkou
03 Taking naps
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
01 Take a shower
02 Fucking cut and dye my hair la what else. Look like pontianak now.
03 Use 20 cents and buy myself a life.
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
01 Istanbul
02 Disneyland, anywhere
03 Not South Hadley
THREE KIDS’ NAMES YOU LIKE: (even though I really don’t like kids)
01 Ali
02 Ah Chong
03 Muthu
No really, Liesl, Chloe and Audrey Junior. wtf.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01 Visit all the countries in the world.
02 Stop habit of playing with my hair.
03 Become Queen of England.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
01 The way I sit, anywhere. Sure chao kong wan.
02 My hate for emo-ness and drama.
03 I have no tits. Haha!
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
01 Makeup. Three cosmetic bags of it.
02 As if it’s not obvious enough, the obsession with pink.
03 Uhh… I wear a bra? To make it LOOK like I have boobs, you understand.
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
01 Hideaki Takizawa
02 Ken Miyake
03 Doraemon
Eh isn’t there a section where I have to say the 3 people I’m tagging? I make one myself. I tag:
01 Leroy Tan – I know you damn free now.
02 pesky 😀
03 expectation?
Gahaha! Aud Ooi is a free woman!The last few days of my life were spent in misery and anxiety because I thought I was going to go to jail. An American prison, no less.
Being an international student in the States, I was supposed to send in some tax return forms to the IRS by June 15th 2005.
Angela kindly reminded me about it a few days ago. Logging on into the website, I realised with some horror that I was supposed to submit TWO forms, one of which had been mailed to me while I was still at Mt Holyoke, and which I, thinking it was junk mail or something of that importance, either packed it into storage in US or even worse, threw away with the rest of my garbage.
Sei fa hai how like this?! I remember the form I received had my name specifically printed on it, meaning that I cannot simply go find it anywhere online and print it out. Some more the deadline is June 15, what day is it now? Even if I somehow get the school to send me another form, can reach in time meh? Don’t tell me go to jail ah? Or kena expelled from Mount Holyoke?
They probably won’t throw me into prison straightaway.
First they’ll kenakan a fine.
Which I won’t be able to pay since I die die am not telling Parents Ooi, whatever happens.
So for not paying the fine, they’ll toss me into jail and throw away the key.
And Mummy and Daddy Ooi will be taking comfort in the fact that they have once again sent their daughter safely off to US for her higher education when in actual fact, I WILL BE ROTTING AWAY IN A US PRISON WEARING AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT EATING NOT CURRY AND RICE BUT GRAVY AND BURNT GRUEL.
And Angela will have to find a new roommate cos obviously I won’t be around, duh, and I’ll have to make her smuggle in Jap fashion magazines, koala biscuits and facial wash for me.
She said she would ask to be put into jail together with me, but I doubt they would do that. Isn’t it a waste of the taxpayers’ money to put her in jail when she didn’t commit a crime?
I’ll have to pretend that I’m really into geology and ask for a rock pick and then prove I really like rocks by carving chess pieces out of stone. Then every night when everyone else is asleep I have to use the rock pick to dig my way out of prison. It’ll take me 10 years and by that time I will be 30, no, 29, but that is still young and I can still finish my degree and then move to Kyoto to live.
Quite cool leh! I’ll then be known as the chick who escaped Shawshank and have to attend press conferences in a nicely cut white Chanel suit and then write a book about my experience.
Anyway none of that will be happening because the IRS lady has just emailed me this morning, saying that I am mistaken and that I don’t need any form to fill out except for one that I can get online.
So, no Shawshank adventure for me. 🙁
Damnation. I have realised that after redoing my blog layout, all its contents can not be viewed using Internet Explorer. Can only see using Mozilla Firefox. I also dunno why!
*curses*
*waits patiently for koneko shaun and koneko darren to finish exams*
Everybody else using Internet Explorer also has to wait patiently for the problem to be corrected. Many sorries.
Last weekend, the Oois took cheapskate advantage of our one night free stay in KL Hilton and packed our bags and moved there for the night.
::Fat Her Ooi posing maut. Pretending to be hardworking.::
Incidentally, this picture was taken after Fat Her had a terrible encounter with the toilet bidet. After wiping his ass, he decided it would be cleaner and more fun to use the bidet.
So he turned it on. In a canggih manner, the bidet cranked out of the toilet bowl.
To his horror, Fat Her Ooi saw that there was SHIT stuck on the bidet. Fat Her Ooi tried to make the bidet withdraw, but in his haste turned it ON instead.
The water sprayed at a senget angle, so it HIT THE WALL. Father Ooi frantically pressed at the buttons, causing another jet of water to spray.
In the end, the whole toilet was drenched.
Management tried to bribe us over this shit incident with chocolates. We senang terpedaya.
Other pics:
::Mummy Ooi::
::Tai Yee aka Big Auntie. Not an Ooi, though ::
::Cis. Me at an unflattering angle. Why the three of us cross legs wan?::
::Brother Ooi, Leong Tai Yee, Mummy Ooi and me::
::View of hallway that looks like a mirror::
::Blurry family portrait taken by nice but obviously lousy photographer/Indian man/hotel staff::
::The siblings Ooi. I barged in on Brother Ooi’s solo camwhoring::
::Fat Her Ooi took pics of his offspring in compromising positions::
WHERE OR WHERE IS MY TAGBOARD?
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