AudAngry AudRubbish

Fat Girl in the Rain, tra la la la la….

I’m sure everyone knows who Miss Malaysia is right?

I opened the papers this afternoon and saw a gigantic photo of her in a bikini.



I wanted to cover my face and weep.

Did you see her thunder thighs? The lapisan berminyak at her waist? Everybody in my family is very disgusted by it.

I really don’t understand how she managed to win Miss Malaysia. Which part of her qualifies as a Miss Malaysia? Her thighs? Her ass? Fine, you have to admit that she is quite pretty. But is she beauty queen standard? NO. I heard that Miss Penang was actually the favorite to win, winning 5 of those titles like Ms Photogenic, Ms Body Beautiful, etc.

But! On the final day, Andrea Fonseka was the one who walked off with the main title. So why does this happen? Hmm, this reeks of a conspiracy. Daddy Ooi and Leslie Cheung auntie’s theory is that she got the title because her mother who was Miss Malaysia last time probably has connections and therefore pulled strings to get her chubby daughter to win.

What’s that, you say? Maybe she won because she’s very articulate and could answer the questions really well? Yes, that may be so, but that is not the only criteria to win Miss Malaysia! I also can answer questions what and I can speak English properly! Does that mean I should win Miss Malaysia? NO. (But my waist and ass is nicer, not to mention my boobs like that also I have more cleavage than her! So hmm, maybe I should). If she is so smart, let her go and join Mensa and show off her IQ and speech there la!

This is a disgrace! How can they ask her to represent Malaysia? The papers stated before that she used to have low self esteem about her looks as a teenager. So? Is that why her mother made her get Miss Malaysia so she can feel she’s the most beautiful woman in Malaysia? What a crap reason. I had low self esteem too, as did every other teenage girl in the world!

Her body shape is like a tree trunk. A 100 year old oak tree trunk. She has no waist for god’s sake! Oh I just caught the repeat of Miss Universe on Star World. She didn’t even make it past the first cut. Btw, Australia won for those who are interested.

Quotes from the truthful Ooi family:

Daddy Ooi: Eh Audrey! Her stomach is bigger than yours! (gets zapped with a laser stare from Aud)

Daddy Ooi (while watching Ms Universe): “Toh pui poh boh thaan liao” (translation: the fat woman didn’t get in). And…
“You notice ar all the skinny ones are from first world countries, and the fat one is from the Third
World country! Why, too much lactogen ar?”

Aud: “I think if she gets Miss Universe ar, the newspapers wanna print her photo also have to make it double spread.”

Daddy Ooi: “Ya, and that’s only to cover her face.”

AudVanity

Stupid entry

Everyone likes Puss-in-Boots. Me, I like Pinocchio, man!!

Reasons why I like Pinocchio:

#1: His voice turns me on:P

#2: He’ll be the next Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 4

#3: He’s into kinky underwear

#4: He can’t tell lies! Very important quality in men

#5: Pokoknya, he’s damn stupid lar.. and I have a thing for dumbasses…look at all my exes! Kidding kidding! Ohmigod I shall be killed for this.

But he doesn’t have Puss-in-Boots’ eyes.

Oh well, looks aren’t everything. Haha look who’s talking.

Let’s all celebrate the rebirth of Jia Min’s car window!! After an unfortunate encounter with Lai Zhun Yein’s itchy fingers, it has been miraculously restored not by JMin, Kah Leong, Audrey or any of the Chung family, but by a heroic SS19 mechanic! Huzzah!

After a long, long, loooong time of not seeing them, I saw Malcolm, Cheryl, Mun Joon and Sanjay today. Malcolm still didn’t give me my 80 bucks back! But since he was kind enough to come and fetch me instead of letting me stay at home and rot, I will shut up about it for today. And the first thing he said when I got into the car was:

“You said you got bad hair day!” (as though I’m supposed to have a neon sign “WARNING: BAD HAIR ALERT” pointing to my head)

“Yalah, bad hair what!”

“It looks the same!”

“Yalah, that’s why it’s bad!”

Some people just don’t get it.

The thing I cannot tahan is everyone is cutting fringe! Why is everyone trying to pan cute? I am the original cute one! Stop infringing onto my territory:P This is why I need a haircut so badly. Either I start growing my fringe so I won’t look like everyone or I’ll make my fringe even cuter!

PS. Sanjay is selling SmartTag. HAHahahah!! Anyone who wants to buy it for a cheaper price, pleaSe contact me for his number:)

PPS. Malcolm broke his back. I promise you if you need to go for operation (choi!) I will come and visit you with fruits. And if the operation goes wrong (even more choi!) I will definitely attend your memorial service.

PPPS. I saw a pink Roxy jacket which is so damn adorable but costs 200+. Whoever didn’t buy me a birthday present and feels guilty about it, please contribute any amount to the Buy Audrey A Jacket Fund! Thanks.

AudRubbish

Negaraku

I just discovered something amazing!

If anyone is using a laptop, do this. Hold the top of the laptop screen and yank it down. If person at laptop is intently staring at the screen, he will jerk head downwards in attempt to keep up with the screen! I am telling the truth!

Boys and girls, please try this at home (unless your dad happens to be an alcoholic grump who will beat the shite out of you).

**************************

Is it strange to want to stick stamps on the lefthand side of the envelope ar? The right side got no space what!

Instead, I kena laughed at and received a suggestion to put the stamps behind the envelope or worse still, put the stamps inside the envelope. Some more, you know those Mr Men characters? Like Mr Happy, Mr Angry etc?

The person said I should be Mr Wrong!

First of all I am not even a Mr! I am a female!

If I should be anything, it should be Miss Malaysia.:D

PKM! Brother Ooi stole my eyebrow tweezer and used it for God-knows-what! URRGGHH!! I don’t dare to use it again. Is anybody kind enough to buy me a new tweezer… or better still buy him a tweezer and some wax while you’re at it. He seems quite disturbed over his growing leg hair.

Regarding past entries, I have decided strongly that I am not vain. Vain is a person whose best friend is the mirror. I am not like that…. hor? Right? I am just particular about my looks. Because looks gives you the all-important first impression of someone, whether they’re likable or not. Not counting bitchy faces lar.

Oh, and if anyone has noticed that my English today is not so up to standard as normal, then good!

I have decided to use Malaysian English is my blog from now on.

Reason? I just received a DHL package from my uni today..a whole bunch of forms lar, nothing interesting. But then it occured to me that in the next 4 years, I shall probably get BRAINWASHED by all those ang mohs and *gasp* turn into a kwai mui myself! Okay lar maybe I’m overreacting, but I will still definitely miss Malaysian uniqueness. Therefore, I shall say as many lahs as I can before September. Byebye ESL!! *boots Perfect English into ionosphere*

Top 7 things I will miss about Malaysia:

#1: saying “lah”, “malou”, broken English, etc. Duh, this is like the most obvious one.

#2: saying Pukima!!

#3: Malaysian food: laksa in Penang, roti canai near Holiday Villa, kai fan at Success, pan mee at Tijuana, koay teow th’ng at Mee Yoke, nasi lemak at the dirty mamak down the road frm Mee Yoke, sambal, limau ais, soba (eh?)

#4: Malaysian weather, most of all. I know me being Ms Pah-pai, I’ll be the first one to complain about our temperature, but please! Remember that in winter, temperature over there reaches 0 degrees Fahrenheit! Sorry lah, but I don’t think I be setting foot in class during winter.

#5: Sungei Wang!! All the beautiful Jap fashion clothes will pass me by… Goddammit, I shall be relegated to children’s boutiques. I’ll be forced to buy, say a pair of jeans and snip out the embroidery of Goofy on the back pocket.

#6: hair dye meant for Asian hair:( The close friends (especially those that had to dye my hair in sufferable conditions) will know that my hair does NOT take hair dye for some reason. Apply the dye and it disappears. I swear! The only reason my hair is so damn ‘kam’ now is cos I dyed it a gazillion times already. Macam mana pulak itu hairdye yang dibuat bagi orang putih. How I’m going to redo my hair while I’m over there is still a big problem. Who has a good idea, please raise your right hand! And then use it to click on the tagboard and tell me.

#7: Most of all, the people here la! Family, friends, the Indian ah pek who sells papers outside Shell in 19… *sob sob* make sure you all keep in touch I tell you! If not you get a box from me.

Top 3 things I will not miss about Malaysia:

#1: poisonous-smelling and radioactive public toilets. And having to pay 20 cents for use of smelly toilets. And another 30 cents for tissue paper when you’re plain out of it but you feel you HAVE to because your bowels are just about to implode.

#2: bangalas and scary Malay buggers that give you the hamsap stare when you walk past them wearing tshirt and jeans. *vomits blood*

#3: Malaysian Censorship Board. Screw you la! Brady Bunch movie also want to censor! Siao lang. Haha porn here I come! Kidding!

AudVanity

Mug Shot

Obsession with hair has not died. In fact, it seems to have gotten worse.

While others were queue-ing up to buy tickets for Shrek (which btw, we did not get to watch thanks to overflow of hormonally-charged teens in Pyramid today), me and Min ran over to Kimarie aka GDO and carried out a nice long conversation with the people there about the 25% discount for haircuts that they’re having for the time being. And hair-obsessed and easily convinced people that we are, we almost wanted to cut out hair there and then. But willpower and fear – that we might end up looking like retards being so hasty – pulled us back.

Because as you all know, getting a bad cut is like going to hell and back. I feel sad everytime I look in the mirror, I wash my hair 23 times a day to make it grow faster, I put gel or whatever on my hair in a pathetic attempt to look better and I don’t feel like going out of the house until it grows. And most of all, you know that my haircut is not reflecting my true self as a pretty girl! (For me, anyway:P)

I’m kidding. The last thing I feel is pretty.

When I look in the mirror, I see this:

Maybe the reason why I keep feeling I wanna go shopping kau kau and buy makeup and earrings and new tops and shoes and that Dior bag, plus get a hair makeover and always doing my nails is cos I’m feeling depressed and low about myself. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe its just me mengada-ing, I dunno. So to make myself feel better, I either surround myself with a lot of people or dress myself up. And since its not possible to kacau people all the time, retail therapy is what I go for.

The best way for me to feel good is to look good. Yes, this is how shallow I am. And how much image and looks matter to me. But when it comes to others, it doesn’t matter how ugly you are, I will still talk to you and be your friend (unless you’re a biatch la). But for myself, it’s somehow so important that I look good. It’s as though the whole world will end if I don’t have my mascara or have greasy hair. To the point that when I was working, people in the office referred to me as Fashion Queen.

Which is actually quite annoying, as though I have no substance under my hair and clothes. Hmm, do I?

I feel so unfulfilled. 🙁

And I still need new hair to improve my mood!

AudVanity

Hair today, gone tomorrow (ha!ha!)

Hmm…everybody’s too busy to choi me so I guess I’ll have to make up my own entertainment. Which these days, other than GunBound is…… finding a new hairstyle to cut! I’m sorry, if you people love me enough, you’re gonna have to put up with my narcissim every now and then. 😀

Current hair is getting more and more common, ie. more copied ie. getting more and more irritating everytime I walk past someone with a similar hairstyle. I’m sorry if that sounds very bitchy, but I’m not known for liking having the same stuff or image as other people or vice versa. That’s why I never (hardly, anyway) buy stuff from places like Espirit, MNG, Ms Selfridge etc (other than the fact that they’re also fcuking expensive and don’t fit me) and always shop at Sungei Wang.

Current hair = fringe cut across forehead + very layered longer than shoulder-length curls x red color that looks to be turning brown as usual.

Problems with hair = hair growing too long for my liking + curls getting limper and straightening out + A GAZILLION PEOPLE CUTTING FRINGE AND PERMING THEIR HAIR!!!

Fcuk this, even Melissa G5 apparently got bangs! And looking at her, I thought she would be the antithesis of cutesy hair across the forehead. What is this world coming to… And would you look at the number of people on the street with permed hair. When me and Min first curled our hair, everyone else had straightened hair. Fine by me. But now just look at all those curly-headed cuties out there. It sickens me.

I’ve had my fringe my entire life (for reason, please refer to shiny bulbous forehead) and I permed my hair last year in an attempt to look less like a certain Jap star, which I dunno why some people kept saying I looked like, flattering but after a while, annoying. You can see how my quest for originality leads me.

But this hair is getting old fast. Which is why, I’ve decided to chop it all off. Bye bye, curls. Hello, funky hair (and possibly a cut that would make me look retarded or toad-like). Ha! Try to follow that then!

Possible cuts:


:: Not exactly the short cut I was looking for but I damn like the long things at the side!::

:: Don’t really like the hair but I like the fringe. What am I thinking? No more fringe!::

::Quite like this one. But maybe it’s due to model’s cuteness. Might end up looking like toad
with this::

::My fav! Especially the hair color. But without the strand poking into the eyes of course::

PS. Brother Ooi’s calves have taken on quality of sandpaper. Fantastic!

AudRubbish

Don’t know much about history

ANNOUNCEMENT #1: All those who are eager to learn more about Brother Ooi’s haunting experience or would like to follow in his footsteps to macho-ness, please visit his blog for more information.

ANNOUNCEMENT #2: I found my 50 bucks! It was not actually stolen, I forgot that i put it into the back pocket of my jeans 😀 before going to Hock Yau’s “concert”. My mother found it when I put my jeans in the washing machine. Apologies to Min and Ruth for worrying them.

Brother Ooi’s leg hair is growing back (much to my glee and joy). Better not come near his legs, they will probably poke you to death.

Went for Hepatitis B first jab yesterday. Fucking painful, I almost wanted to deal with hepatitis B itself instead. Ah, another 2 jabs and I’ll be all immune and healthy and able to breath in air from Hepatitis B patients without worrying.

Ah, it looks like everyone is busy going through exam stress and growing new white hairs (with the exception of Brother Ooi, who’s still sprouting black hairs on his legs). I have two words to say: Ha! Ha! No, I’m kidding, I am! *takes into account how many people are facing exams* Best of luck people! I will be glad to help anyone who needs it, proofreading, finding sources, etc. Or anyone who needs a push to get started on their studies, I am quite handy with the cane.

Have resolved to take up knitting. I’ll show you, Kah Leong and Lai Zhun Yan!

Don’t know much about history


AudRubbish

Smooth as a baby’s bottom

Though I did nothing today, others seemed to be more productive, specifically Brother Ooi.

HE SHAVED AND WAXED HIS LEGS!!!!

I was sitting on my room floor, minding my own business, listening to MDs and waiting for my nails to dry, when who should burst in but Brother Ooi, asking if I still have any wax strips left. I stop waving my hands about in the air and stare at him.

I think: This will be wonderful entertainment.

I say: My nails are wet. Open up my drawer and take it out yourself.

Brother Ooi proceeds to do that and then stick the wax strips onto his shins. He follows precise instructions from sister and rubs strips between his palms to warm up wax before carefully pressing down strips to avoid capturing air bubbles. Then according to sis, he must yank out the strips in an upward direction, in a “fast and steady” movement to pull out as much hair as possible. He does just that.

“EEEEYAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” goes Brother Ooi.

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!” goes Sister Ooi.

And the dialogue repeats itself a few more times. Unfortunately, Sister Ooi had only 2 strips of wax left so Brother Ooi was left with two very glaring patches of shining white BARE skin surrounded by mountains of scraggly hair.

So he decides to shave the rest off. Unfortunately, was unable to get any pics of him doing so, due to the fact that he slammed the door in my face when he saw me holding my camera. So boys and girls, use your imagination.

Now he has even smoother legs than I do. I can’t wait for the regrowth.

AudAngry AudAtMoho/USA AudSocialButterfly

Oh say can you see…

Bloody shite, trip to US Embassy was a waste of time. First of all I had to wake up at bloody 7pm which is 4 hours earlier than my usual time. Then I clambered into the car and felt carsick all the way to KL.

THEN. At the embassy, those ang mohs were so bloody “pah-pai”. All of us who wanted to enter had to line up OUTSIDE THE GATES OF THE EMBASSY in the bloody hot sun. FOR FUCKING NEAR 2 HOURS! When we finally reached the security door of the embassy, the big beefy bald guy (who looks like he might have a night job jaga-ing the entrance of Atmos or something) let my mother through but stopped me with a almighty thrust of his hand (which btw, looked the size of a football).

Me: Wha..?!

Beefy guard (in thunderous voice): ONLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME.

Me: …… (still stuck outside sweating profusely in glaring sun)

Beef (swinging open door again): NEXT.

Me (marching in and muttering): Why embassy also got bouncer one ar…(quickly keeps silent when notices that Beef is staring at her menacingly).

We go through TWO body and bag checks before we can finally enter the embassy. And inside, we discover that we have to line up once again to submit my visa application. When it’s finally my turn, I go up to the guy at the counter, who’s young and actually not bad-looking. I pass my application form to him. He glances at The Visa Photo and giggles: hur hur hur.

I stare at him in aghast embarrasment.

He flips open my passport now. “Hur hur hur”

My eyes get even bigger. 0_0. “What?” I say defensively.

He points to The Visa Photo. “So happy.” He snorts again before finally uruskan-ing what needs to be uruskan-ed and telling me I need to sit and wait again until my number is called.

So I sit and wait for 15 minutes until my number is announced. I go up to the counter and much to my irritation the fat lady there tells me I can’t submit my application now because I don’t have the I-20 form (which is for students). I stare agog once again and my mum tells her that we were told we could apply first and submit I-20 later since it takes so long to apply for a visa.

Fat Lady: No, you can only submit your application early without I-20 if you’re a boy. Applications for guys take longer than girls so they can submit it earlier. You as a girl don’t need to apply so early. So u can wait for your I-20 form then only come and apply.

This means I have to make another trip to the embassy next month. Cakaplah awal sikit!! Aku tak payah tunggu lama di luar itu embassy dan ditakutkan itu bouncer yang besar. Bitchiness.

So after that to make up for it, I went to Sungei Wang! And bought sculpting lotion for my precious hair. 😀 *happiness*

And then I went to watch Troy with Min, Hsin, Yee Mei and Ferinna. Me and Min sat across the aisle from the rest and entertained ourselves with clever jokes. And I became teacher of the day and enlightened Min all about ancient Greek mythology (due to self as nerd child reading about it in encyclopedias and such). We decided that:

#1: Hector is our hero.
#2: Nia Vardalos would make a better and more Greeklike Helen than whatsherface. (With one swing of her body, she would take down the whole of Troy. But then if she were Helen, I can tell you there sure wouldn’t be a war).
#3: Orlando Bloom looks like Francis in Malcolm in the Middle and is a pukima.
#4: Hector’s baby doesn’t look Greek either.
#5: Helen looks like a bitch. Her lips are really thin.

Then at night, we went for Jacky Cheung’s concert in SUnway Lagoon. Thanks Hsin! But turns out, he is another pukima. He bloody started BEFORE 8.30pm! So by the time we reached, he sang 1 1/2 songs before they announced it was time for the autograph session etc etc.

#1: I got two bloody aching legs thanks to running to the concert place to see him and from being unable to stop running because it was downhill
#2: I also got a blood clot each on both my big toe nails. God knows why.
#3: I was smart enough to ask Sam to carry me up so I could at least catch a glimpse of Hock Yau in the flesh. Unfortunately when he picked me up, the blinding white light flashed into my eyes from the stage and I couldn’t see anything at all. Of course, I didn’t tell him that, after all his help and energy to pick me up.

So after the terrible disappointment that was an excuse for a promo concert, we headed to Breakers. And there:
#1: I fucking lost RM50! Only discovered it today when I had no money for lunch. Dunno what happened to it, whether it dropped out or somebody took it from my wallet when I was foos-ing. Stupid me happily left my bag in the corner near the stairs and went off to play. Fuck whoever took it and may you die being stabbed in the eyeballs!
#2: Hsin and I practised our 70’s dance poses everytime we scored a goal.
#3: Stupid dunno-what staff of Breakers asked us for ID!! Malou.. and to think we’re already one year past the legal age!
#4: Sam let down whoever was on his team by not looking when the game was started and by knocking the ball into his own goal. (But I shouldn’t compain cos he caught me stopping and fiddling with my mascara in the middle of a game)

The End

AudNerd

How I love my ABCs

Today was my first day as a *ahem* uni student! Though technically I was a an illegal alien in Monash. And though I attended just one tutorial.

But who gives a fuck! Haha I went for class! *sigh* People get excited cos they’re going clubbing, I get excited because I’m going to school. Cheryl, Hsin and Yee Mei were astonished at my enthusiasm, including the fact that I panicked because I thought we were going to be late for the tutorial which was: DESIGN OF SCIENCE. Didn’t want to miss a minute of it. The spirit of the nerd lives.

In the class, I was happily sitting next to Yee Mei, devouring their Design of Science assignment, which seemed v. interesting to me even though everyone stared at me like I was insane. It’s cos I have nothing to do plus I really really miss academics:( Also I was very happy to see all you guys! Missed all of you so much. Anyway, just to tell you people that I’ll be glad to help you with your assignments… ahem… what are friends for? So bring it on, babes!

Tomorrow, am going to the American Embassy to sort out my visa application and prove to them that I’m not a Muslim terrorist/Nazi/drug dealer/prostitute. Wish me luck, people! Also, am going to wear skirt and pants combo. It’s a luck thing.