Life in the hospital

Hello everyone my condition is more stable now!

I was going to take another rest after dinner when my parents left but I found when I lay down that my stomach acid instantly rose up my throat so I think Imma sit up for a bit and blog.

Anyway things have stabilized somewhat.  The bleeding and contractions have stopped and I’m on various meds to control my blood pressure.  The protein in my pee is increasing though (which is a sign of preeclampsia progressing) but on the bright side, liver and kidney functions are still okay.

I’m more or less stuck here in the hospital for now until I deliver, which will be premature la within the next few weeks.  I guess I’ve more or less accepted it.  At least we have the breast pump, stroller and car seat in hand now!  When Fighter comes out, he’ll probably be in the NICU for a while so at least we have the pump to express milk to feed him.

I’m still classified as a high risk pregnancy and the preeclampsia is considered quite severe actually.  Wah I never thought I’d have such a serious condition wtf.

So all outings are off limits for now and the doctor and nurses have been nagging me to cut down on visitors.  I was quite whiny about it wtf but I also did notice myself that whenever visitors came, my BP would spike quite scarily.  It’s not that I angry or kik or what!  But I think when people come, they’re my friends ma and I hate being quiet wtf so I invariably want to talk or entertain them and maybe it puts additional stress on my system.

Plus these new drugs have a side effect of making me a bit breathless actually so I guess it’s really not a good idea for me to have visitors now.  I’m very appreciative of those who came and sent things and sorry to those we had to turn away. :(

Breathlessness makes me super tired also.  I tried to make a round around the ward to stretch my legs a bit, prevent thrombosis and I was panting before I finished half wtf.  Luckily blogging is just finger work.

What else?  Oh ya I damn ugly now I cannot believe it wtf.

Permanently red face from flushing (meds side effect).  Hospital gown (btw the correct way is to tie it in front WTF I laugh at people for nothing and wore my gown backwards for 2 weeks nobody told me).  Anti embolism socks.  The drugs also cause huge water retention so I’m bloated beyond belief now — my legs I swear to god are 50% their original size.  My ankles are the size and shape of tennis balls.  Even my arms are chubby now and I feel exhausted carrying around all this water weight.  I hope it’s water la wtf later turns out to be fat fml.

Emotionally I’m not doing as well as everyone online thinks.

Maybe cos of the water, maybe cos I’m weak, I dunno but I find I’m unable to support myself standing up.  I have to hold on to surfaces and I bend over in front or else my back cannot take it.  I really dunno how other mothers carry to full term — isit cos of my current illness or isit cos I’m just a weak ass wtf.

Being unable to support the weight affects me a lot cos I really feel like an invalid.  And let’s not talk about the constant headaches, constant drugs, blood tests and the breathlessness.  It feels like one long asthma attack fts.  My self esteem and whatever strength I had has plummeted and I keep thinking if it wouldn’t be better for Fighter to just come out now.  Lots of people have said that they know 7 month preemies and they’re all wonderful!  Why wouldn’t Fighter be?

So I’m really not as good or strong or selfless as everyone thinks.  Every day it’s a struggle for me — on one hand I hope he’s ok in there and will continue to be, on the other I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen and secretly wish that something WILL happen so we can take action.

And I keep thinking why does everyone else get to have such easy births?  Why do they get to go in to the hospital for just a few days and reemerge with their healthy babies?  Why isit me that has to go through this and why do I have to put my husband and family through this?  Why do I have to leave my baby in the NICU and watch them stick him with tubes?

Obviously I know I’m not the only one in this situation but it doesn’t make it easier.

Imma stop now before this self pity party gets out of hand.  I know I have a lot to be thankful for either way so I just have to keep reminding myself.

Thanks for all the concern and all the stories about premature babies!  I think I managed to read most of the emails and comments already since I’m on bed rest so that was something nice to do. :)

P/S: Please try not to send me links or discussions about alternative therapies or cures or whatever!  I appreciate the well meaning behind them but I’ve learned that medicine is an evolving field and one study does not a fact make.  Some kind souls have tried to open my eyes to new studies or whatever, but reading all this conflicted sources only confuses and agitates me. :(  I fully trust my doctor and I don’t think this is the right time for me to be studying and trying to certify facts anyway.  Not good for my BP!

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