I don’t normally bother with haters/trolls/online assholes because none of what they say usually affects me.
Say I’m ugly? You liar. Lolol.
Say I’m short? True what, and so?
Basically most of the time I’m very thick skinned and overly confident so no comments from strangers bother me much. Lolol.
But I thought a recent cyber bullying incident was something I should write about.
It started when Fatty posted this picture of Fighter on Instagram. Honestly we thought it was damn cute because Fighter was getting burped here after his meal and his yellow onesie and sitting position made him look like a duckling.
To summarize, these two users @ixirahon and @agentbabypink/@xiiiromaxiii came in and started urging to “pray for Fighter’s soul“.
I got very offended because I thought it was very pantang (taboo) to talk like Fighter was dying when he wasn’t! It affected me a lot because the truth is, the preeclampsia could have killed both me and Fighter, and the wounds (literal and figurative) and fear were still very raw, and here was this stranger, talking about my baby’s death so flippantly.
I calmed myself down though and decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. I replied, “can you please stop saying that? he is doing very well and is not on the verge of death. if you want to pray, pray for his health, not his soul.”
@ixirahon replied that she “thought he was about to die 😉 she really didn’t know, and she would not just pray for his soul, she would also pray for his health.”
At this point I still wasn’t sure what her intentions were. While her tone was nice enough, she didn’t actually apologize for what I saw as a curse on Fighter. And she put a winking smiley which normally signifies a joke. Was this a joke to her?
I also saw her leave similar comments about praying for Fighter’s soul on my other pictures but I assumed she had left them before I replied her so again, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and left it at that.
Then further down the thread, her friend @xiiiromaxiii commented that Fighter looked like an alien and included a thumbs down emoji.
I lost it. I replied:
The next day, I woke up to their comments flooding my Instagram page and Fatty’s.
These two were batshit crazy.
I thought about why I reacted so strongly to their initial comment and I think I figured it out. While they were saying ill of Fighter, the tone of the comments didn’t seem to be bad. So the scared emotional mom side of me thought “why would they say this? Do they know something I dont?”
But when they went all out to leave shitty comments it actually wasn’t so bad. Now I knew they were just trying to cause hurt and would say anything. I was angry but at least I wasn’t worried or scared.
They left a lot more comments on dozens of our pictures. Much creepier, they created a new Instagram account, @ixirandbabypink (which has now been deleted) on which they posted pictures of Fighter (stolen from our accounts), chanted condolences and accused me of taking “illegal drugs” hence causing Fighter to be born premature. -_- Dunno why must specifically say illegal drugs cannot be legal ah wtf.
A lot of people scolded them and looking at the way they replied and posted, they either were (a) genuinely nuts or (b) very very young and also crazy and unaware of how much meaning their words carried.
I found one of their Facebook profiles wtf which I will not reveal here. The shocking thing is, that girl had a university degree and a lot of her postings and pictures involved a little boy who was obviously her son or at least a child dear to her. I dunno I can’t read Tagalog.
The other bully on the other hand, I found was married. Because her husband came and tried to defend her actions. :X I honestly thought they were stupid teenagers — it was quite horrifying that they’re probably similar in age and situation to me.
So we are all educated. We’re all married and at least two of us have a son. And yet they can do what they did to me.
So I wrote this on her Facebook:
“i’m audrey, the person whom u and your friend have been harassing on instagram. from your fb, you seem to be a nice person who loves her own kid so i have no idea why you would try so hard to cause us pain.
tbh i was upset when you said “pray for my baby’s soul” because you seemed to imply he was dying. but i couldn’t tell if you meant it so i replied you civilly. but your comment about him looking like an alien tipped me over.
does it make you happy to keep saying my baby is dead? what if i said daniel or whoever your child is will die? at least one of you is a wife and a mom so i can’t understand why you can act like this. ironic but you started off saying to pray for fighter’s soul but now i’m telling you i will pray for your soul, you need it more. i hope you grow out of this and your baby is well.
I totally killed them with kindness lolol. If I continued to reply them angrily they would reply in kind .. so I thought I’d appeal to her humanity. And there is a conscience to her after all!
Since then, they have both contacted me and apologized. To be honest I’m not sure if I totally believed them since some things didn’t tally but I accepted their apologies and it’s over.
But I told them that I intended to blog about this to remind people that our actions and words can cause more damage than you think, because you might not know what someone might be going through privately.
Already had to go through a month of hell in hospital then now have to deal with these two imbeciles. What if I had still been in my depressed state? What if their stupid thoughtless comments pushed me over the edge and I committed suicide wtf. A bit far fetched la hahaha. But what if they decided to pick on someone with less support, less stable or weaker than me?
So the next time you want to leave a nasty comment, think again. I never understood people who do that anyway.
P/S: I just realized their cyber bully profile on Instagram, @ixirandbabypink is still up, and it’s still full of Fighter’s pics. although they have deleted the nasty captions. Can you guys please go report it for abusive content/harassment or copyright infringement or something? Thank you!
Here’s a compilation of the cuuuuuutest photos of Fighter we took recently.
And if you’re wondering, yes I’ve become that crazed adoring mother as seen (and heard) in one of Fatty’s Instavideos (not saying which one) in which I squeal and talk in baby voices to Fighter because…. he’s getting too fucking cute!!!
(okay have to stop swearing now so Fighter doesn’t pick it up)
Hello darling! This was actually a video still from this video. Fighter was in Fatty’s arms and I noticed him struggling to open his eyes. Thinking it could be too bright for him, I shaded his face with my hand. Right away he opened his eyes and looked up at us. *goes crazy from the cuteness
Fighter has graduated to drinking milk from the cup instead of the tube! We’re working on breastfeeding him but when I’m not there he drinks milk from a cup like a baby boss. The hospital doesn’t encourage bottle feeding cos of nipple confusion so they pour the milk into his mouth bit by bit so he can get used to swallowing. Sometimes he gets tired or sleepy though and they switch back to tube feeding.
This picture above is of him getting burped. His expressions are hilarious when he’s getting burped HAHAHAHAH. Here his face is like “are we done yet? No? Okay…”
Ahhhh his eyes. He’s wearing Angie’s minion shirt which is a dress on him lolol.
His mittens are preemie mittens and even then they had to tape the wrist up to fit him hahaha.
“If I smile now will you leave me alone later?”
“HAHA! They’ll never find me now!”
The nurse positioned him in the usual crouching position (apparently babies are most comfortable with it) and covered him with the giraffe blankie. I left the room to go to the bathroom. Came back and saw he’d kicked the blanket all the way to the side and burrowed himself under it hahahahah.
P/S: the Giraffe Friend is actually the size of a handkerchief. So you can imagine how small he is actually haha.
Fatty posted this on Insta. Caption was “Okay okay I give up” HAHAHAH his grumpy face is priceless.
Eating his own fingers. -_-
Holding MY fingers ahhhh don’t do this to me Fighter *swoons
One of the nicest pictures I’ve taken. Daddy + son bonding going on. Look at Fighter’s face like telling the daddy about his day. “And then I had some milk and fell asleep. Then I woke up because wowee what is that wet feeling in my diaper? But then I fell asleep again… It’s not easy being a baby.”
My attempt to take a family camwhore shot. Fighter never look at camera. -_-
Us on a day when Fighter was fast asleep and we didn’t want to wake him by picking him up.
Fighter is doing well! All tubes are off him except his feeding tube and patches stuck on him to monitor his vitals.
He only has three more goals:
1) gain enough weight (1.8 kg or more). Today he’s 1.55 kg. He’s taking a huge amount of milk now though, for a baby of his size — 35 ml every 3 hours.
2) master feeding on his own so he doesn’t need the tube anymore
3) be able to regulate his body temperature on his own without the incubator
Only three things on his to do list come on Fighter!
Oh and confinement ends tomorrow yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I’d like to pretend I’m special and unique and all but let’s face it, my biggest #firstworldproblem like every other vain-ish female is standing in front of my closet and going “I have nothing to wear!”
This week, we realized my son has the same #firstworldproblem.
This is him wearing a tshirt. Lolol. (He’s had all his IV lines off so yay he can wear clothes now.)
I read baby books when I was pregnant and they all recommended buying baby clothes in sizes 3-6 months or more because “babies grow in the blink of an eye” and we could just roll up sleeves until the babies grew into them. They said this was the best way to get the most mileage out of their clothes.
So I followed their advice.
How was I to know I’d have a preemie wtf. The 3-6 months clothes are so big for him he might as well be wearing MY clothes wtf.
We stopped by Mothercare on the way back from the hospital one day and they told us they’d stopped stocking premature clothing because there was no demand (?) No demand? I demand preemie baby clothes now!
I’m still in confinement so I shouldn’t be traipsing over town looking for shops so I thought Fighter would just have to suck it up and swim around in XL shirts for a while.
But today I received a package of preemie and extra small newborn clothing — sent by a reader in Singapore. Thank you so much Jolene!!!! You really saved us a lot of hassle!
Sometimes I get emo and think “why me? Why did I get preeclampsia” or “why does my baby have to be premature?” but then again I think that if someone else was in our situation, they wouldn’t have gotten the outpouring of care and support that Fatty and I did from our readers. So actually we are lucky. Thank you ^^
So Fighter’s #firstworldproblem solved.
Mine still in existence please.
These days I’m either in button down shirts and leggings…
or pajamas only.
Super motherly I beh tahan.
Like I’ve mentioned before, part of the reason I always wear button shirts now is for easy access for Fighter to breastfeed.
But jeggings is because I really cannot fit into ANY of my old pants or shorts anymore. Trust me I tried. On a weekly basis wtf.
Since childbirth (3 weeks ago) I’ve actually lost about 12kg wtf.
This was my foot (and leg) before HAHAHAH. Ooib said it looks very cute WTF. Ok this was also due to my very bad fluid retention la hahaha.
Now my feet look normal la hahaha like in the pajama picture above la. So all the water is gone but I’ve still got 4kg extra clinging on, probably all around my middle.
My tummy has gone down a lot although it’s not totally flat — it just looks like I ate a big meal. I read that this little pouch is common in women who’ve had C sections because after cutting through the skin and first layer, the doctor has to separate the abdominal muscles first before they can get to the uterus, and this separation of muscles is what causes the pouch.
So I have that pouch. And I seriously suspect that my hips (or pelvic bones?) have gotten wider. Does that happen with pregnancy!? Both hips and waist seem wider now although I can’t tell if it’s fat or did my pelvic bones separate and become wider?
Everyone says give it time, it will go back to normal. I kind of think that this is for forever wtf but ok la just give it time and see how. But in the meantime, is the Malay urut and bengkung something I should consider? Everyone says it’s damn good but then I thought the urut is to massage wind out or to massage your boobs for milk. I don’t think I have wind anymore and I definitely have milk wtf.
Others say it’s to massage your uterus back into place? But I’m pretty sure my uterus is also back in place now wtf, and it’s just fat around my tummy area. And does the bengkung really help? If you remove it won’t your flabby tummy just spring out again wtf. If anyone knows anything, please advise!
In the meantime, I need new and bigger clothes!!!
I’m a bit tired of the usual F21, Topshop, Zara all but I don’t really know any good online stores! Some more now everyday back and forth from hospital no time to go to a mall anyway. So please leave recommendations for nice stores if you know ’em!
I don’t like too feminine or OL kind of clothing; aiya you all know roughly what I like la right hahaha. Sorry this post a lot of questions ah!
Thanks in advance!!
My #OOTD most of the time now – pajamas. With bra inside cos I’m very scared of sagging boobs HAHAHA.
Hello Kitty Peter Alexander pajama set and bedroom slippers from sister in law in Singapore. <3
I normally hate wearng slippers unless it’s in a hotel cos I like feeling the cool floor under my feet. I’m really making an exception for these slippers. Looks get you further in life lol.
Okla I know nobody really wants to hear about me you’re all probably like “enough blabbering la where’s Fighter” wtf.
Here he is! Wave to everyone Fighter!
Fighter’s been making a lot of progress lately. ^______^ Sedikit-sedikit lama-lama menjadi bukit. Slow and easy wins the race. wtf.
Milestone #1 – opening his eyes wtf. Not sure if this is a proper achievement but I count it as a milestone because in his early days he didn’t open his eyes! I could see his eyeballs moving behind closed eyelids and sometimes one eye would flicker open then close and he only started opening his eyes properly within the last week.
Look at those eyes! How could anyone not love this baby!? All the nurses in the NICU seem to, but maybe because he’s the tiniest baby there hahaha. Little heartbreaker, you.
Milestone #2 – Yesterday (Day 16) when I went to visit as usual, I was surprised to see his CPAP off! We did not expect it to be off this soon; the doctor told us they would get him up to full feeds first before removing the CPAP, which would be maybe next week at the earliest.
But apparently he kept pulling off his CPAP himself. -_- One day when we were there, he even pushed away his CPAP so it went into his mouth instead of his nose WTF. Then he just lay there quietly with the mask in his mouth lolol. So the doctor decided to try taking him off it and he’s been doing okay without it so far!
So proud of him for being able to breathe on his own! But don’t wanna jinx it la pray he continues to be okay breathing on his own. *crosses fingers
First proper look at him without the CPAP blocking!! *hearts in eyes wtf
Why so cute one!!! Me and Fatty’s genes are stellar or what.
Speaking of genes, for some reason Fighter’s brows are blond. Fatty looked at me all suspicious and said “is there something you wanna tell me?” lolol.
If you’re wondering, the tape on his cheeks are to protect his skin from being rubbed by the mask. And that is really hair on his forehead hahahaha make him look like Sun Wu Gong. The nurses said that it’s lanugo (hair that preemies are born with) and will fall off after a few weeks.
He has a new giraffe friend! I wanted to let him sleep with something in his incubator so when he comes home with us, it will still be with him and it will be something familiar in a new environment.
Giraffe blankie was a present from my friend Rose in Vancouver! We really got so many giraffe products hahaha.
Milestone #3 – We weren’t expecting this so soon either but today the NICU team decided I could try nursing him. D: D: He didn’t nurse before because nursing takes up too much energy, so he must be doing well enough for them to attempt it!
I said, “uhh then I have to remove my bra too?”
Nurse said, “you’re not wearing a nursing bra?”
“What’s that?”
Maybe tomorrow I’ll just wear a strapless bra wtf.
Shielded by the portable barrier they set up, I unbuttoned my shirt and gingerly took him in my arms. Fatty fluttered nearby in nervousness, going “careful his head! Hold properly!” lol make me even more stressed.
Luckily the nurse helped with the whole thing or I wouldn’t have known what to do. I was worried that uhh you know it’d be too big for him since he’s so titchy.
But like a trooper, he opened his mouth wide and took it in! Although I don’t know how successful we were cos he’d suck a few times then stop and we’d wonder if he fell asleep. Then the nurse would poke his cheek and he’d stir and suck a few times then fall asleep again! Hahaha. Dunno if he even got any milk for his efforts!
The nurse said it’s normal for a first try so ok la! Quite excited to try again tomorrow. Never thought I’d be so happy to have someone nipping at my boobs wtf.
And tomorrow morning they’re running an eye test to check for ROP (retinopathy of prematurity). It’s supposed to be a bit traumatic cos they have to hold his eyes open so we’re really hoping he’ll be ok… and his eyes too of course. T_______T
Keep on truckin’ Fighter!
Wendy once asked me what all the things attached to Fighter were. So I thought, okay maybe I’ll blog about the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) since Fighter is spending the first weeks of his life there, and we’re also spending the bulk of our time there.
To be honest, it’s proving harder than I thought. We’ve gotten used to seeing him hooked up but when I actually think about each piece of equipment, my heart dived and tears came to my eyes (stupid tear ducts are so accessible these days!!!!). Most of the time we’re ok but once in a while I still find it hard to believe that we have a baby… and that he’s under intensive care.
Every time I go to the hospital, I get into a mini fight with the security guard in front of the labor ward who demands a patient name or bed number, even though I tell him repeatedly “NICU”. The babies in the NICU are not on his stupid name list, maybe because not all of them even have names yet. I tell them that countless times but they don’t seem to understand and still insist on a bed number. It usually ends with me half shrieking “I’m here to see my baby who’s in the NICU!” then only will they open the door for me. -_-
Anyway here’s what the NICU is like, in our hospital anyway.
After you get past the dutiful security guard, make your way to the NICU. A nurse has to hopen the door for visitors because only parents are allowed inside.
For obvious reasons, the NICU is kept a very quiet place – so the babies can rest in peace (uhhh pun definitely not intended).
Babies are placed in a row, in a box or cubicle and hooked up to different equipment based on their needs.
I’m definitely not a medical person la so whatever I say here is what I understand from the doctor and nurses in as much layman terms as they can manage so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
This is Fighter’s incubator. The incubator is essentially a plastic box he sleeps in. Temperature inside is controlled because preemies are unable to regulate their own body temperature yet. So even though Fighter is naked (except for his hat and diaper) it’s okay cos he’s actually all warm and snuggly inside. The incubator also protects him from germs and outside noise.
Bililights: special lights to cure jaundice. thankfully Fighter only had these on for a day.
Hello little man!
- Yummy milk: real name (I googled) of that bluish tube is the nasogastric tube. I’m not sure if Fighter can swallow himself yet, but swallowing takes up energy and coordination (which preemies have trouble with) so until he gets stronger, Fighter is fed through the nasogastric tube which goes straight to his stomach. A syringe is attached to the tube and milk passed from there.
- CPAP – stands for continuous positive airway pressure. Air is passed through the tube directly into Fighter’s nose to make it easier for him to breathe. It’s not exactly that he cannot breathe on his own, but his muscles aren’t developed well enough for him to expand his lungs. The CPAP pushes air to him for easier breathing.
- Golden bear sticker – to monitor his body temperature. Yea I find the bear cute too hahaha. They have two designs – bear and a duck wtf.
- Both his arms were splinted because he had intravenous lines in both arms. T___T Nutrients to supplement the breast milk is passed through the lines.
- Oxygen monitor on his foot – to track and make sure he has enough oxygen.
Last week he ran into some issues. 🙁
Since he was born, the doctor has been steadily increasing his breast milk consumption day by day — necessary to start with less cos some preemies are unable to ingest milk yet. The goal is to get up to full feeds of only milk (when he won’t need the IV lines with the nutrients anymore).
But last week I was gazing into his incubator like his biggest fan wtf when he suddenly started breathing hard – so hard his chest was heaving and two pockets (like holes) appeared under his rib cage. And he turned blue. T______T
The nurse came over and adjusted him and he turned back normal color. Then he turned blue for the second time.
I freaked out, the nurses said they had to perform some procedure on him and kicked me out of the NICU. I sat in the waiting lounge, tears leaking out, and texted Fatty. There was a couple in the lounge too who looked petrified at the sight of me. It was the worst five minutes of my life because I didn’t know what was happening and was imagining the worst scenario.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and barged back into the NICU. There I saw the nurses fussing around a red and peacefully sleeping Fighter. -_-
The doctor later told us that they couldn’t find anything wrong with him and he just likely regurgitated milk and then breathed it back in, hence the choking and turning blue.
Which is why in the picture above, he has a new splint on his leg – meant for transferring antibiotics in case of infection. 🙁
Today we saw him and the line in his leg is off though!
As a result of the choking incident, they went down on his feedings though he’s been slowly climbing his way up again. Doctor first estimated he could be out in 3-4 weeks from birth but he revised it and said it looks more like 5-6 weeks now cos his progress is a bit slow. Apparently premature baby boys tend to do not as well as girls. 🙁
So I guess we’ll see him home ….mid September if everything goes okay?
Edit: this post was actually written two months ago when I was five months pregnant! Obviously I’m not anymore as per my other updates and Fighter is doing great now but as this post was written during my pregnancy when I was still preparing myself for his arrival so please ead it keeping that in mind. ^^
Here goes my usual grandmother story that begins with “When I was at Mount Holyoke…”
Once upon a time when I was at Mount Holyoke… I had a debit card.
I loved it! Not only because it wasn’t the credit card issued by my dad which would ensure he saw what I bought (*stressed)h, but it was a world of convenience for me!
I’m horrible at remembering to go to the bank/ATM (still am) so I’m always caught with no cash outside. And always have to mumble “sorry I don’t want this anymore” while at the cashier and quietly go return my item to the shelf WTF.
So the debit card was the best choice for me! Every time I don’t have enough money I can just swipe my card and the purchase would go through easy peasy.
When I graduated and started working I tried searching for a local debit card too. I didn’t want a credit card cos… I already always forget to go to the bank what more remember to pay my CC bill. And I didn’t really like the idea of setting up auto payment cos I knew I’d forget to check my bill and wouldn’t monitor my spending very well.
But I couldn’t find a suitable debit card for my needs and resorted to applying for my own credit card.
Until now!!!
RHB Debit Cash-Connect Visa!
I needed to run some shopping errands anyway so off I went with my RHB Debit card.
That day was actually pregnancy needs shopping day.
First stop…
I’d been putting it off for some time already but it’s finally time to get…. new bras *sobs into hanky
Spent the last five months squeezing myself into my old but perfectly good bras but they’re so uncomfortable now every time I take them off I breathe a sigh of relief and scratch WTF. I can thank progesterone for that.
Nobody said that besides cup size the circumference also increases T____T No choice had to shop for new lingerie.
But hassle free with the RHB debit card. ^^ Just swipe, press pin number if required, sign and you’re set!
Next stop…
Concealer shopping.
Seriously I developed one by one all the side effects of pregnancy. Getting all sorts of rude brown spots on my face T_____T Basically freckles that suddenly got larger and darker fml just a few months ago I was all schadenfreude over Red Mummy’s pregnancy hyperpigmentation sigh karma’s a bitch.
Swipe and sign!
I love the convenience and knowing that I won’t spend more than whatever’s in my checking account!
Then to the pharmacy…
For bio oil *beams
For stretch mark prevention you know. At that time, tummy was starting to itch a bit from the skin stretching so I was hoping this will ward off ugly stretch marks. 🙁
I used it together with another stretch mark oil from Clarins and it really works leh!!! Just inspected my tummy after delivery and no stretch marks. *beams
Also stopped by Sasa.
For nail strengthener (center in purple) cos my nails were growing super fast now (yet another symptom) but break so easily!! D:
*grumpy
Shopping errand done! Wasn’t looking forward to spending on boring things like large undies and nail strengthener but the RHB debit card made things a lot easier and quicker. ^^
It was very easy to get the card too. If you don’t already have a bank account with RHB, just go to any branch and set up an account and apply for the debit card (which involves just filling up a few forms and putting in a minimum of RM100 into your account). You get it on the spot and can use it immediately.
RHB Bank is running a contest for Visa Debit Cards. To enter, just spend a minimum of RM30 in one purchase/swipe with your Visa Debit Card and you are automatically in!
By spending with your RHB Cash-Connect Debit Visa Card, you stand a chance to win
- 1x Kia Rio 1.4 SX (Grand Prize)
- RM200 per day for 100 days! (Consolation Prize)
You also automatically qualify for 2 entries if you use your debit card online or when you’re overseas! (minimum spend of RM30 in one purchase of course)
Based on what I bought I guess I have like 4 entries already hahaha.
HUNNY I’M HOME!!!
Two days ago, the doctor decided I was showing enough progress to be discharged! My BP is still not normal but good enough. *notbad.jpg
I just have to keep monitoring my BP every few hours and take meds. *beams
With Fatty in front of the hospital. And my pregnancy pillow which is so awesome it’s now my forever pillow.
I was ecstatic to go home with Fatty and have things go back to normal. But they’re not really normal because now we had to leave Fighter in the NICU. 🙁 When I was there I was forever popping in and out of the NICU to see him just because I could. But now obviously the most I can see him is once or twice a day argh can’t wait for the month to pass so confinement ends and Fighter can come home with us!
It is awesome being home though and holding hands otter style with Fatty when we go to bed. 🙂 But now he super busy maybe making up for all the time he spent in the hospital the past month. Never mind I made him barley to drink today. #goodwife
Came home to a fruit bouquet sent by 76Style thank you Hama san and Hikky and everyone!! Edible flowers are from yummyflowerz which is run by Eric lol.
We received sooo many flowers and fruits and hampers and chicken essence lolol from everyone thank you so much guys!!! Also quite a few baby things which is really helpful because… I delivered so early that we haven’t finished preparing all the stuff yet.
I told Fighter about all the new things aunties and uncles got for him and he twitched and went back to sleep wtf. I think that was him saying thank you lolol.
Fighter’s own room is not ready yet so for the meantime he’s sleeping in our study, which is closer to our room.
This is the bed that Suet built. Early in my hospitalization I was still allowed home leave so I came home for a few hours and Suet came and set up Fighter’s crib for him hehe thanks Auntie Suet.
Sorry ah quite obsessed with this new effect on Camera360.
Came home and saw all his stuff laid out. 😀
Yea we got the Bugaboo Bee Special Colour Collection!!!! Posted about it on Instagram ages ago. This color is called Sunny Gold, next time Imma blog and review it!
It came while I was in hospital and I was so impatient to see it. Lol.
The huge present next to the Bugaboo is a baby swing from Joanne and Wai Sun thank you ahhhh! Haven’t unwrapped it yet to save space haha.
Diaper cake from Alison thanks Ally! I was also super reluctant to open it but I finally did so I could see what was in it and figure out what I don’t need to buy anymore. The answer is… less diapers to buy. Lolol.
We also somehow received damn alot of giraffe themed stuff for some reason – Sophie the giraffe from Angela, a giraffe blankie from Rose, and a lot of giraffe stuffed animals! Why ah is giraffe the cool animal now? Lol. Or maybe everyone secretly hopes if Fighter associates with enough giraffes he’ll confirm grow up tall wtf hahaha.
Super love this new addition to our home! A glider and footstool – a present Oeko Furniture. They read our blogs and gifted us this glider!
I hadn’t gotten round to getting a glider – for sitting and cuddling/breastfeeding so I’m damn happy! Thanks Oeko!
So what have I been doing since I’ve been home?
This.
My life has been taken over by pumping milk!!! Hahaha. Fighter doesn’t drink that much yet but the lactation consultant advised doing it every 3 hours to maintain my supply for when he is finally able to latch.
So right now my days are filled with pumping, then freezing and carting frozen milk to the hospital.
I’ve gotten a few offers to donate breast milk to us which I found really strange but I guess that’s what people do? The first time I heard of it I was quite grossed out wtf but some mothers cannot produce enough milk and they need it for their preemies. Desperate times call for desperate measures wtf.
After all I went through, luckily I can pump milk! Seriously imagine I already had such a shit month then at the end of it still cannot lactate wtf. At least now I feel better that I can do this for Fighter since we can’t do anything else at the moment.
Best shower ever. Cos I haven’t showered properly in a week don’t judge me. :X Chinese confinement means you cannot shower with water cos they believe that your pores open after delivery (:X) and showering with water will give you chills/future backaches/future headaches.
So Mummy Ooi went out and got me herbs to boil and shower with. Best feeling ever thanks Mummy!
Confinement also means you’re literally confined to your home to recuperate but I have to go to the hospital daily so I’m not that confined.
For the next month my OOTD is going to be Fatty’s shirts and stretchy pants don’t judge me again hahaha.
I actually lost 10kg over a week (most of whichI peed out omg) — I guess I didn’t actually put on that much weight, everything was fluid retention only — so yea I think I’m more or less back to my normal self. Except tummy which is still round. D:
Hence Fatty’s shirts which arebigger than my own. Also it’s easier to wear button downs cos when I do kangaroo care with Fighter, it’s easier to just unbutton my shirt and slip him inside to keep him warm.
I read on Wikipedia that kangaroo care is the best way to regulate a preterm baby’s body temperature — better than an incubator — and it’s true! Whenever I hold Fighter his temperature always stays at 36.6C only but if he’s in his incubator, it can fluctuate a bit. And his heartbeat which normally fluctuates too will calm down and maintain within a good range. God I’m awesome wtf.
Whatcha doing Fighter?
“Oh mommy you’re so funny! Tee hee.”
Taking up from where I left off, the five days or so after I delivered Fighter was quite an emotionally trying time for me.
Preeclampsia is supposed to resolve after delivery and I naively thought that once the baby and placenta were out, my blood pressure and everything else would go back to normal almost immediately.
In mild cases it does apparently but as my doctor never fails to remind me, mine was extremely severe and as such, it might not resolve right away. T_T
But I wasn’t prepared for worsening symptoms! I some more thought I’d be out of the hospital in a few days but instead my blood pressure got higher and higher WTF.
At times it was worse than even the worst reading before my delivery. I’m still at risk of having seizures which is why I’m still stuck here for observation and care.
But every time the reading came back high, I’d get very upset and cry. I worried that maybe my preeclampsia was so bad that it’s impacted me permanently. That I’d developed chronic hypertension at age 28 and was stuck dealing with it forever. And I worried about how it would affect my life and caring for Fighter and having future kids wtf. (Not that I want a lot of kids la I just like having options).
Coupled with the pain of a C section recovery… it wasn’t pretty wtf. Sitting up was already a bitch, what more getting in and out of bed to go to the toilet. So painful until I nearly asked for the catheter back up my pee hole so I wouldn’t have to force myself to get out of bed. Before the operation I couldn’t stand up straight cos I was too heavy, but now I cannot stand up cos it was too painful fml. I don’t know what recovery from natural birth feels like but I dunno why anyone would do an elective C section if they knew how shitty the recovery was gonna be. And painkillers didn’t even seem to work to reduce the pain.
Looking back on it now, it’s possible that it was post natal blues after all. I felt quite unhappy and irritable and even had trouble sleeping (which NEVER happens for me).
To be honest, I didn’t even want to have any visitors. My BP was still high so activity was still discouraged and I was actually thankful for that. The thought of seeing anyone and having to make conversation was exhausting. I knew people cared about me and wanted to know if I’m okay and I really didn’t feel like acting okay when I wasn’t.
I didn’t even tell my parents about this! They were already so worried and I dunno if they can take it wtf. One night only I confessed to Fatty and cried more. FML.
Then I also hated the way I looked. I was still bloated, my stomach still looked pregnant even though there was no baby — I thought it was gross how it was big but not firm like during pregnancy. I crazily thought I’d be ugly forever and I really didn’t wanna see anyone looking like this.
Thankfully two days ago it passed! I started peeing loads and lost 5kg in 2 days. Yesterday only I realized I could see my wrists again hahaha. My double chin (seriously I actually had one of those) disappeared. I actually had a tube (like a pool float) around my hips which was all wobbly and full of water and depressed the hell out of me but even that started to go down. So I started feeling better about myself.
Then as I recovered from the surgery I got more mobile and could visit Fighter more often! And I got to do kangaroo care with Fighter! Which made the whole world seem more colorful wtf.
Kangaroo care is supposed to be good for Fighter but I think it was nearly as beneficial for me too. ^^ Although the first time I held him I burst into tears. T___T Then Fighter also started crying and it was just a very emo experience hahaha.
Our first ever photo as a family! Too bad I look like shit. I’ve taken over Fatty’s role as the Fatty in our relationship wtf.
But this Fighter very smart leh! In his incubator he’s usually very restless and kicks around a lot even when he’s sleeping. But when I pick him up he straight
Happy feet. He’s very red because he hasn’t had time to put on fat yet and his skin is super thin. But I think yesterday and today he looks less red already!
My favorite photo EVER. Fatty put his hand in to touch his son and this Fighter just gripped his finger and wouldn’t let go. T_____T
Maybe he heard Fatty’s voice and recognized him as his daddy. And the look in Fatty’s eyes as he stroked Fighter… all the wonder and tenderness on his face made me fall in love with him a little more.
Fighter developed jaundice one day and they had to put him under the light. He usually wears a little preemie diaper but the doctor wanted to maximize the light on his skin so they let him wear a face mask (which will let in more light) instead. HAHAHAHAHA. The strings make him look like he’s wearking a bikini ahhahahaha damn cute.
Fighter holding Daddy’s hand again. He never hold my hand leh! Then can see this Fatty melting again. Clever ah this baby knows the way to a man’s heart wtf.
So in summary I’m doing much better now! Fighter is going strong and even managed to gain some weight the last two days and looks chubbier now. And while my BP is still high the past day looks like it’s slowly coming down bit by bit. I’m on the road to recovery!!!
Cannot wait till the both of us can go home and be a normal family.
So Fighter was born on Monday.
Hey Jude, don’t let us down. 🙂
It’s been a very surreal past few days.
On Sunday night I just told Fatty that I didn’t think my body could do it any longer. A lot of people posted encouraging messages telling Fighter to stay in and not come out yet, but the truth is it’s not up to him.
Not about whether he wanna come out leh! It’s my stupid blood pressure.
And on Sunday I felt like things were coming to a head now. My blood pressure had become increasingly harder to control and I was suffering from worsening symptoms – the doctor had nearly maxed out my BP medication by then; but besides that the meds were wreaking havoc on my system.
Preeclampsia comes with severe swelling due to fluid retention but the BP meds make it worse too. I swelled to elephantine proportions I kid you not — the last few days I gained 1-2kg of water weight each day wtf.
My limbs were swollen, my jaw was swollen, even my eyes were so swollen I could barely open them wtf. And I couldn’t move myself! By then I was only 7 months + pregnant but I already couldn’t stand up straight. My backbone went missing wtf I thought I was just fat but it was cos there was so much water pooled around my entire torso.
So I told Fatty I don’t think I can do this much longer. I thought it would be by the next week or so.
Turns out it was the next morning wtf.
The entire Sunday night I spent unable to sleep because I couldn’t get comfortable. My stomach was too huge and heavy and even if I lay on my side, it hurt because the weight of it was pulling itself away from my body! And I was having trouble breathing (what I thought was the baby pressing on my lungs)
Dr Teresa came in early in the morning, took one look at me and said “you have to deliver today.”
My face was bright red, my pulse was racing and I was puffing although all I was doing was lying on the bed wtf. I didn’t know it but fluid had collected in my lungs by then.
Off I went to the labor room to prepare for an emergency C section.
They plugged me all full of intravenous needles and the first thing they did was transfer me magnesium sulphate. Seizures are very common in preeclampsia so the drug was to prevent me from going into fits as well as to stabilize baby’s brain since he was going to be so premature.
Then they shoved a catheter up my urinary tract. Found it damn uncomfortable like I got a permanent UTI T____T
The magnesium sulphate was so horrible!! First I started feeling hot. Then my wrist (the drip was on the back of my hand) started aching. Then it felt like someone was repeatedly taking a hammer and banging my entire forearm.
Then I threw up. Exactly like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.
The nurses slotted a vomit pan in front of me but I still managed to puke everywhere! Totally cannot control lo I managed to puke all over my hospital gown, my own (lower) legs, the bed, the nurses (FTL).
At this point I really thought death would be better wtf.
I was in sooo much pain and discomfort — the uncontrollable vomiting, what felt like a broken arm, the stupid catheter in my pee hole and the thought of giving birth later — I really wished for a lethal injection by then hahaha.
But kudos to the nurses who were so efficient! They managed to clean me up, change my gown, AND change the sheets while I was still on the bed. By then the worst of the nausea had passed and I think I half passed out at this point also.
My reaction to the drugs also slowed down a bit so while I still felt arm pain and some nausea it was quite bearable after that.
Then they rolled me into the operating theater. I was exhausted by then but still quite scared I think I was shaking.
I saw my mom hovering worriedly outside the OT and luckily Fatty was allowed in with me! 
Saw this pic he took later on — I guess they got him to change into scrubs and crocs. Ok la I can make exception this time for the crocs ahhaahha.
I remember being rolled in and how cold the OT was. I remember Dr Teresa (my obstretician) sitting studying a file calmly and I blearily thought good good she prepare to the last minute because that’s the kind of student I was — the super irritating type that reads notes until the exam starts hahahaha.
The anesthecian, Dr Chua, injected something into my spine. Actually I still dunno what the procedure was exactly but he was damn good! If I was more awake I’d be terrified at this point (cos Wendy told me epidural needle is like a satay stick), but I hardly felt anything. A blood test hurts more seriously.
In seconds my legs felt numb and I remember Dr Teresa telling me that the drug is working.
I don’t remember much after this point actually even though Fatty told me later they were asking me questions and I was responding.
I remember holding someone’s hand and at one point it was Fatty but it could also have been a random Indian lady wtf. Dunno what’s true and what’s not hahaha.
I do remember being rolled because I could feel the motion and realizing that it was already over. I forgot to ask if they gave me meds to sleep also or just anesthesia actually.
Within the hour I was back in the labor room so I think it was super quick!
The first day (immediately after surgery) I was still super out of it I didn’t realize it’s considered a major surgery! They were still monitoring my pee output with the catheter and I was only taking liquid in through a drip (I guess to check if my body was clearing water) so I was bedridden.
The anesthesia also lasted a day so I really didn’t giving birth was that bad hahaha. Second day only eat my words wtf.
I only got to see Fighter a day later! Everyone (Fatty and the grandparents) all got to see him before me because I couldn’t move and he was in the NICU in an incubator. 🙁
I got so much more to blog about but I think I’ll keep it purely about his birth and the C section this post!
Fighter is doing well considering his birth weight (1.1kg) and the prematurity! It’s a take a day at a time thing for now, but he’s doing well so far! Brain scans are ok so far (although problems can crop up any time touch wood), lungs are immature but ok enough that he’s not on the highest concentration of oxygen, and no other signs of impairment so far.
And the most encouraging news – breast milk is super crucial especially for a baby like Fighter because he didn’t get antibodies from my uterus (T__T). Some preemies cannot take breast milk but his neonatalogist tested him on 1ml of breastmilk every 4 hours and he took it! So they’ve actually been doubling his feeding everyday and he’s been responding well so far which we take for a very good sign!!!!
As for me, I’m still in the hospital because my BP still hasn’t come down yet. Yesterday only Dr Teresa told me that I was actually in a lot of danger I guess she didn’t say explicitly earlier dowan to scare me. :X She said when they opened me up there was water everywhere. Even Dr Chua said he had to ‘press’ water away from my backbone first before he could inject me. Damn scary! Luckily no more water in my lungs now, just the rest of my body. They’re not letting me out yet until I stabilize more because I can still kena a seizure any time. But it’s okay because Fighter is here too! I get to go in and see him any time I want so it’s a good trade off I guess.
Best thing of course is I get better (and skinnier and less bloated) and Fighter comes home with us la!!!!!! But I take what I can get.
P/S:
What really gets my BP up is…. breast feeding evangelists!!!!! Already so sick and dealing with so much physical and emotional suffering and I still have to read comments from idiots telling me to breast feed.
WHICH PERSON WITH NORMAL ACCESS TO INFORMATION DOESN’T KNOW THAT BREASTFEEDING IS GOOD?
You might think that you’re only doing your moral duty to let me know about the wonders of breastfeeding but let me tell you this, benefits of breastfeeding is not a breakthrough revelation. Everyone knows about it. If you think that I – despite being so connected and educated – still don’t know then you must think I’m stupid. And you’re very condescending and offensive.
2ndly, even if I’ve been hiding under a rock somewhere, I have been hospitalized for 3 weeks now, surrounded by health professionals. If I didn’t know about it earlier don’t you think I’d know it by now and that I don’t need you to superiorly remind me to breastfeed? Or do you think I don’t care enough about my baby? I fought to keep him in my uterus for 3 weeks do you not think I wouldn’t consider anything else I can do for him? I don’t know about you but I’d take breast feeding over battling preeclampsia any time.
All the comments I got – the way they’re written and the timing just makes me think that the only reason why anyone would do this is so they can feel superior about themselves. That they’re ‘doing a good deed’ and ‘being a better mom cos I’m breastfeeding my kid’. Well the only thing you’re doing is make people angry.
The info is all already out there. Some people decide not to breastfeed or are unable to for some reason; whatever you say will not change this. So please do everyone a favor and just be quiet.
Ok rant off and zen mode on. Waiting for Fatty to come so we can go see Fighter again!
Hello everyone my condition is more stable now!
I was going to take another rest after dinner when my parents left but I found when I lay down that my stomach acid instantly rose up my throat so I think Imma sit up for a bit and blog.
Anyway things have stabilized somewhat. The bleeding and contractions have stopped and I’m on various meds to control my blood pressure. The protein in my pee is increasing though (which is a sign of preeclampsia progressing) but on the bright side, liver and kidney functions are still okay.
I’m more or less stuck here in the hospital for now until I deliver, which will be premature la within the next few weeks. I guess I’ve more or less accepted it. At least we have the breast pump, stroller and car seat in hand now! When Fighter comes out, he’ll probably be in the NICU for a while so at least we have the pump to express milk to feed him.
I’m still classified as a high risk pregnancy and the preeclampsia is considered quite severe actually. Wah I never thought I’d have such a serious condition wtf.
So all outings are off limits for now and the doctor and nurses have been nagging me to cut down on visitors. I was quite whiny about it wtf but I also did notice myself that whenever visitors came, my BP would spike quite scarily. It’s not that I angry or kik or what! But I think when people come, they’re my friends ma and I hate being quiet wtf so I invariably want to talk or entertain them and maybe it puts additional stress on my system.
Plus these new drugs have a side effect of making me a bit breathless actually so I guess it’s really not a good idea for me to have visitors now. I’m very appreciative of those who came and sent things and sorry to those we had to turn away. 🙁
Breathlessness makes me super tired also. I tried to make a round around the ward to stretch my legs a bit, prevent thrombosis and I was panting before I finished half wtf. Luckily blogging is just finger work.
What else? Oh ya I damn ugly now I cannot believe it wtf.
Permanently red face from flushing (meds side effect). Hospital gown (btw the correct way is to tie it in front WTF I laugh at people for nothing and wore my gown backwards for 2 weeks nobody told me). Anti embolism socks. The drugs also cause huge water retention so I’m bloated beyond belief now — my legs I swear to god are 50% their original size. My ankles are the size and shape of tennis balls. Even my arms are chubby now and I feel exhausted carrying around all this water weight. I hope it’s water la wtf later turns out to be fat fml.
Emotionally I’m not doing as well as everyone online thinks.
Maybe cos of the water, maybe cos I’m weak, I dunno but I find I’m unable to support myself standing up. I have to hold on to surfaces and I bend over in front or else my back cannot take it. I really dunno how other mothers carry to full term — isit cos of my current illness or isit cos I’m just a weak ass wtf.
Being unable to support the weight affects me a lot cos I really feel like an invalid. And let’s not talk about the constant headaches, constant drugs, blood tests and the breathlessness. It feels like one long asthma attack fts. My self esteem and whatever strength I had has plummeted and I keep thinking if it wouldn’t be better for Fighter to just come out now. Lots of people have said that they know 7 month preemies and they’re all wonderful! Why wouldn’t Fighter be?
So I’m really not as good or strong or selfless as everyone thinks. Every day it’s a struggle for me — on one hand I hope he’s ok in there and will continue to be, on the other I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen and secretly wish that something WILL happen so we can take action.
And I keep thinking why does everyone else get to have such easy births? Why do they get to go in to the hospital for just a few days and reemerge with their healthy babies? Why isit me that has to go through this and why do I have to put my husband and family through this? Why do I have to leave my baby in the NICU and watch them stick him with tubes?
Obviously I know I’m not the only one in this situation but it doesn’t make it easier.
Imma stop now before this self pity party gets out of hand. I know I have a lot to be thankful for either way so I just have to keep reminding myself.
Thanks for all the concern and all the stories about premature babies! I think I managed to read most of the emails and comments already since I’m on bed rest so that was something nice to do. 🙂
P/S: Please try not to send me links or discussions about alternative therapies or cures or whatever! I appreciate the well meaning behind them but I’ve learned that medicine is an evolving field and one study does not a fact make. Some kind souls have tried to open my eyes to new studies or whatever, but reading all this conflicted sources only confuses and agitates me. 🙁 I fully trust my doctor and I don’t think this is the right time for me to be studying and trying to certify facts anyway. Not good for my BP!
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