Today has been one of those days when I wish I wasn’t a mom.

Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve actually thought that.

The past few nights have been pretty rough with Penny waking up and crying more for milk more than usual.  But last night took the cake.

She woke up at 3.45 am for milk so I fed her and she went back to sleep. So far, so good.  But then an hour later she woke up again.

I thought she couldn’t be hungry so I tried patting her back to sleep.  Instead she got angrier and angrier because I think she couldn’t go back to sleep fast enough for her liking.  She woke up and had a full blown baby tantrum.  And when Penny tantrums, the world shakes wtf.

Nothing helped.  I cradled her, shushed her, patted her, walked her around, she kept getting louder and angrier.

Beside me, Fatty covered his ears with a pillow wtf.

She was so loud I thought she would wake Fighter in the next room so I brought her downstairs with me where she finally calmed down, although I dunno how long it took – I was that out of it.

And this morning I had to get up early to take Fighter to school so I’m feeling like ten kinds of shit.

I admit –  Penny is a very difficult baby.  On bad days I think that maybe because we had a smooth delivery with her (compared to Fighter), so now we have to go through a tough time.

My breastfeeding journey with her hasn’t been the smoothest of trips.  The first two months was fine but somewhere within the third month she started becoming very hard to breastfeed.  It got so that when I even laid her in the position to breastfeed, she’d arch her back and start screaming.

And once she starts, it’s nearly impossible for her to stop.  I’ve had her cry in my arms for two hours straight while I slowly went insane.  When she cries, she flails and kicks, and she just screams louder and louder.  She’ll spit out her pacifier, and walking, patting and rocking her does nothing to help.

Sometimes, very loud shushing does work, combined with vigorous rocking but it’s not 100% effective either.

Because she’s so hard to feed, what I have to do is basically let her cry until she gets so tired she goes to sleep.  Then when she’s half asleep I stuff my boob into her mouth and she drinks herself to sleep wtf.  Do you realize how that sounds?  That I have to let my baby cry so she’ll drink her milk?

I have no problems feeding her in the middle of the night cos she’s so sleepy then.

Can you imagine the amount of stress and crying we go through every day though?  When she cries long enough I feel like crying too.  And it sounds awful but when she doesn’t stop I feel like throwing her down or covering her mouth — anything to make her stop.

I don’t think she’s in pain or sick, because sometimes when we successfully distract her – usually Fatty taking over – she calms down fast enough and even smiles at us. -_- But then it’s like she remembers she was angry and starts again wtf.  Her temperament is impossible.  That said, I’m planning to take her to the pediatrician tomorrow just to get her checked.

It’s really taking a toll on me.  When she laughs and plays with me I’m so grateful.  But when she starts her uncontrollable crying, I want to jump out of the window.  I look at her crying face and I feel so sad I can’t calm her.  But some small sorry pathetic part of me wishes I had a different kind of baby.  What kind of mother am I?

So this is what I’ve been struggling with for the past two months.  And tonight Penny was asleep in her room.  It was Fighter’s bedtime so I washed him up and got him his milk.  I carried him into their room, where our nanny was.

She told me she would put Fighter to bed so I left.

Then I heard Fighter shouting and knocking on our door (our room connects to the kids’).

Penny had woken up thanks to his shouting so I told nanny to tend to her while I did the same for Fighter in our room.

Instead of going to sleep, Fighter walked all around our room, playing.  He heard Penny’s voice in the other room and wanted to go and knock on the door again. -_-  I wouldn’t let him for fear he’d agitate her further… and he threw a fit.  After all the Penny pinching he does, suddenly so caring wanna go see his sister?

He screamed so loudly I scolded him and threatened him with the naughty corner.  And this is where it got heartbreaking.  He hates the naughty corner so I saw him actually take a deep breath and try to stop himself from crying.  He gasped and hiccuped but still went on crying loudly.

Fatty was on the phone in our room and Fighter wanted to go to him, but Fatty waved us off.  It triggered another tantrum in Fighter who was probably confused and heartbroken why Daddy didn’t want him.  And Penny started crying again in the next room.

What ensued was me alternating between trying to soothe and hug Fighter who was struggling and screaming in my arms, and raising my voice and threatening him with the naughty corner again – something I’m not proud of.  In retrospect I believe he was too emotional to control himself but at that point I thought he was being willful, refusing to obey me.

He finally fell asleep hugging me.

While I write this, he’s still sleeping in the position I left him.

I know I don’t mean this, and tomorrow will be a fresh new start, but at this moment I wish I was single with nobody to look after except myself.  So I don’t have to feel like a failure.  So I don’t have to be the person I was today.

Hello!

So we’re back in the comfort of our own home, with our own beds and amenities.  We’re more or less recovered from our trip to Sydney – although some things will never be the same again wtf.

Will we be doing it again? Hell no!  Okay fine, never say never.  But definitely not for a long time to come.  I shiver just thinking about it. Maybe in seventeen years or so. Hahahaha.

We thought it would be hard, but we didn’t realize it would be Difficulty Level: Asian.

Now with things in the near past, we can look back and laugh a little at what we went through.  It was a tremendous experience wtf.  So I thought I’d do a blog post on things we’ve learned about traveling with young children, and about ourselves

1. Kids are terrible travelers

This was something that completely did not occur to me.  Fighter was a complete nightmare wtf.  He was irritable, threw tantrums at the slightest provocation, and was nearly impossible to put down for naps or bedtime.  He refused to even walk or sit in the stroller most of the time, demanding to be carried around as if he weighs as much as a feather pillow.  He turned down most foods, preferring to munch on fries and cookies mostly.  Towards the last couple of days, he even refused the fries.  Worst of all, he was constipated for four days until I resorted to feeding him stool softener.

But a few days in, we realized what Fighter’s problem was.  He was in a new environment which he was uncomfortable with.  He was also probably over stimulated, hence the difficulty in going to sleep.  And since he only ate fries, no wonder he became constipated, which further worsened his mood.

Penny on the other hand, was the perfect baby.  She fed and slept on the go wherever we were, and was happy as long as she was in her carrier or stroller.

Lesson learned is – if you’re going to travel, go when baby is too young to know better!  Do it when all they do is eat and sleep.  Jet lag may not even affect them much seeing as they’re sleeping most of the time.  

2. Bring a baby carrier / stroller   Fighter is a lost cause but these two items were life savers for Penny!  Mostly she traveled in her Ergobaby (got it from Bloom and Grow Malaysia) strapped to me and she’d sleep for two hours straight (her normal naps are 45 minutes max -_-) then wake up to feed and either be in a good mood, or fall back asleep. Win!   She slept well in the stroller too but I felt more secure with her in the Ergobaby.  The stroller was super useful for putting diaper bags, blankets, and random baby paraphernalia though.   If you’re planning to travel, either one of these items is a must.  Having said that, I’m glad we brought both; it worked out best for us. 3. My husband is a hero and we make a fantastic tag team Our roles in marriage are like this – Fatty brings home the bacon and I manage the house and kids.  Very straightforward.  But on holiday, he really stepped up!  He took on Fighter so I could be free to care for Penny. Before this, Fatty had never even bathed Fighter but he did a fantastic job!  Sometimes we switched kids but for the most part, Fatty fed, bathed, dressed and kept watch of Fighter. He even put him to bed and slept with him. And left me enough peace of mind and sanity to take care of Penny without worrying about whether Fighter had pants on wtf. To be honest, I was a bit doubtful of his abilities since at home he mostly just plays with them.  But it’s hot wtf.  Made me fall a bit more in love with him hahahaha.

3. My son loves me!

Ya as though I didn’t know this before wtf.  But at home with the helper, in the day time I end up spending most of my time with Fighter, if I’m not feeding Penny.  Fighter can get super clingy (and slightly jealous of Penny) so while he’s awake I try to spend more time with him and nights with Penny.

But in Sydney I had no choice but to be full on Penny.  I thought Fighter would be okay since he loves his Daddy too, plus his grandparents were around.  And most of the time he was okay playing with everyone, but at times when he saw me coming, I’d see his eyes light up at the sight of me… then his face fall when he realized I was holding Penny.

A bit heartbreaking but he has to accept it la hahahahaha.  And I secretly love it cos it means he really loves me! #glasshalffull

4. More than one kid is like a mine field

When one cries, it invariably triggers the other one to start screaming too.  Soon you’ll wonder if you still have ear drums.

5. Book a hotel instead of AirBnB

This is purely personal preference of course, but our experience in Sydney left me thankful we stayed in a hotel instead of an AirBnB.

Of course, with AirBnB you get the comforts of an entire house (if that’s what you booked), access to a washer, kitchen, etc.  But what you don’t get is daily housekeeping.

Because shit happens.

Any parent will know that things can get very messy with kids.  In our case, Penny tends to poop with a lot of force.  What happened was I was holding her, wondering if it was time to change her diaper, when she farted, and suddenly my arms were warm and wet, and I heard a loud splat coming from the bed in front of me.

Stunned, I shifted my gaze to the bed and saw a yellow splotch.  Then I saw it this time.  A stream of poop shot out from ABOVE Penny’s diaper, flew to the bed, and enlarged the yellow splotch.

Poop started dripping down the bed.  And on to the carpet.

So yeah.  Never was I more thankful that I could call housekeeping and not have to deal with it myself.  I had to pay for laundry services to wash our clothes but it was worth it wtf.

6. Bring spare clothes… lots of them!

Because, you know, shit happens.

7.  The bonding makes it worth it

We were suffering.  We were counting down the days till we got to go home.  We were secretly discussing going for another holiday to recover from this one.  But even as we were going through hell, we knew this was an invaluable experience.

On one of our last days, Fatty turned to me and said, “You know despite everything, the best part of this trip is that we really got to bond with the kids.”

Exactly what I had been thinking!  Because we weren’t out at work, or events or meetings throughout the day, we spent literally every second with our kids.  As I said, our nanny watches Penny in the day while I take Fighter to school, walks, and do other duties and good as she is, she never figured out Penny’s schedule.

But after a few days of me taking Penny, I figured out her schedule is actually super predictable.  She gets sleepy exactly 1.5 hours after her last nap, and hungry the minute she wakes up.  Nanny couldn’t catch her sleepy cues so Penny would get immensely cranky at home. T_T  I felt like I finally had special quality time with Penny that I didn’t really get cos I was always distracted by a clingy and attention demanding Fighter, and got to know her personality – she’s actually super cheerful, but a bit timid.  And she loooooves attention hahaha.

As for Fighter, he learned that he could depend on Daddy to take care of him.  Fatty learned how to properly look after him so I think they really bonded too.

So that’s what we learned.  Now to go plan our next holiday.  Without kids. Hahahaha.